Just wondering how much your life changes when your elderly mom moves in with your family?

I was doing the same thing. I would bring her to my home for a few weeks at a time, than go stay with her for a while. I gradually had to convienece her she could not live alone. Packed her up, sold her home and she moved in with me. That was 7 yrs ago. At first my siblings were taking her is Saturdays, weekends. I had time for me and my life. That all changed slowly. As my Mom got deeper into Dementia, I became a fulltime caretaker for her. I still am. Than Covid came. I had to take her out of adult daycare. Long story short, My partner moved out with our son. It changed our life's. However, I don't now or in the past would put her in am home. My life will resume again. Hers is ending. It's an individual choice.

If you bring her into your home, it will only be harder to get her placed later. Save your sanity and move her to a facility now. You can visit as often as you like!

If you move her into your home, you will lose your freedom to do something as simple as go to the store. You will lose your privacy. You don't mention if you are married, but it takes a toll on a marriage. It is mentally, physically and financially draining. If you have other options, choose them.

The thing is ....you don't know what symptoms are going to manifest. As she worsens, is she going to be up all night and try to get out of the house while you are asleep? Is she going to turn the stove top on and start a fire? Is she going to become incontinent and soil all of your furniture? What if you become ill and need a surgery...where would she go? It changes things drastically.

Think long and hard about this because who she is today is not who she will be in a year. There is no reasoning with dementia.. My mom doesn't understand how to flush the toilet or turn the door knob of the bathroom door to get out. She starts pounding on the wall for someone to help her. They become someone you don't recognize. It's not easy. Don't do it....

My mom has ladies that she talks to and eats lunch with at her memory care facility. She can't remember their names or what they talk about, but it is socialization on her level. I would recommend that you point your mom in that direction.

If your mom still has an adequate source of money, what about a home healthcare agency suggesting/implementing a care plan (with certified qualified caregivers to come into your home and take care of your mom's needs). At least she would be close by for you to visit with her and not have to drive countless miles to visit her in her assisted living facility. Believe me, I have several friends who have their parents in assisted-living and that is no panacea either.

Please remember, physical deterioration comes next. When I first started caring for my Mom, she used a Walker. I took her shopping, we went to garage sales - all was well... we'd go out to lunch.

Then she needed a Wheelchair. Now she's bed-bound and needs a stretcher and an ambulance to go places. Plus incontinence has arrived, also. Plus, I have to bathe her, feed her, etc now. And, generally worry about her all the time. At least I don't have to worry about her falling anymore, though. But, there are many other worries.

This situation may start out just fine, but it will become harder over time until you are in way over your head and desperate for a way out. At some point of time in the future there will be much lifting and much expense for supplies. Not to mention, endless worries and lack of sleep do to incontinence needs during the night and also when she calls out during the night, waking you up.

In a nutshell: Be prepared for the situation to start out fine - and then, over time - become more physically & mentally difficult than you could ever imagine.

There are no days off. No vacations. No sick days for you unless your Mom or you have the finances to pay for a replacement Caregiver, or a family member that will step in. We do not, and that is quite difficult for me to not ever have a day off. Ever.

Your mother moving in and progressing through dementia would completely take over your life. It would be a terrible choice for you and your family. With Home Care hard to come by, moving your mother to an apartment or AL closer to you would be a better option. Moving her into your own home is the very WORST option.

Move her to a care facility now while she has the capability of learning! She can learn the people, learn the routines, get used to things and as her brain fails more feel safe. Moves are difficult on older people especially with dementia.
We failed my Mum, she moved from house to independent living then to assisted living (one month stay) then to memory care. She should have gone straight to assisted living and she would have learned the routines to be able to stay there longer.
Do NOT bring her to your house. One worn out person caring for her is not sufficient for her future needs.

Sadly it was bad and only got worse. My mom moving in with us was years well before the health issues (physical and mental/cognitive) as she was virtually broke, in so much debt and had gotten fired from her last job as a receptionist (like who cannot answer the stinking phone). But I am an only child and dad passed when I was a kid 50 years ago. So she moved in.

The initial period worked ok, as she had an expense free life in our home and could pay off her debts. We gifted her some funds and with that, her social security and my dad's annuity checks in time she was able to get out of hock and actually save up a bit but her non-stop gambling was still there. The gambling was the route cause of all the debt. But like with a alcoholic, one addicted to gambling cannot start recovery until they recognize they have a problem. And that recognition never came into place.

Later the mental, cognitive and physical decline happened. She refused to do anything to help herself. We redid her bathroom to be safer, grab bars, no lip walk in shower, structured shower seat, hand held shower device, higher/taller toilet, even the toilet tissue holder was a structured brag bar. She had a private bed/bath suite on the first floor of our home, no stairs to negotiate, huge room (20 by 25 feet).

But the cognitive decline (later given a clear dementia diagnosis) was just impossible. And physically, she could barely walk but refused to use a walker. She would not leave her room, TV blaring 24/7 as refused hearing aids. Every meal eaten in her bed. Eating nothing but junk food and not eating home good home cooked food (made by me) because she'd rant at me "you cooked it in your dirty oven, so I am not eating it." (PS my oven is not dirty.)

The outbursts were awful, allegations "you stole X, Y Z." Forgetting what conditions she had and refusal to take her Rx med or mixing them up (no, would NOT allow me to take them/manage them as that just caused another outburst). Up all night, no one could sleep. Wandering in the house at 3 am, setting off the alarm when she tried to open the door. How many times did I have to call the police and say, "NO false alarm we are ok no need to send officers" (our county police dept charges one for too many false alarms on your home alarm system - yikes). She was unable to do anything. Just trying to get her into a car to take her to her various doctor apts was a two-person task. And the now awareness made basic hygiene hard. I was only allowed to change the sheets on her bed 2 freaking times in nine months, and she has incontinence. Can you imagine. But changing the sheets would have required her to get out of the stinking bed, so that would have been an utter meltdown. I left the stinking bed, stink.

A bad fall, landed her in the hospital for 2 weeks, with a discharge to Rehab and from there (same facility/same nursing home -- NH -- I did all my homework before) she is now a permanent resident in their long term care facility and finally after 8 month of spending down, she is on Medicaid long term care.

After 16 months at the NH she has not acclimated, the awful outbursts continue so I have had to go "no contact" for my own mental health. Her healthcare team is great (board certified geriatrician, geriatric psychiatrist and neurologist on staff there, and wonderful RNs, nurses and aides who I just could hug them all). All other medical stuff handled right there, even the podiatrists comes by every 8 weeks or so. OMG I was having to handle all that too at home, trying to do proper foot care/nail clipping w/her screaming and kicking me; she is also diabetic so proper foot care is very important.

It will take me years to get over this. Yes, I have a great therapist.

DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOUSE!

Everyone talking boundaries….with dementia? Sounds easy but it is not. So if setting boundaries before the move in is set do we really think they will stick

I did it and my mom prefers to live alone, so she stayed in her room. It wasn’t good at all. Mom was getting depressed because her life had changed and she felt like a burden. I also spent all of my aware moments thinking of her (it is like having a child). So, I found her an apartment in a AL facility that she could afford. So much better! She loves having her independence and her own place. She is a very private person. We went in just to try it and they had a deal for 3 months. In 6 weeks mom was permanent. She came in during covid so meals were in her apartment. I got a echo show and drop in to see her and she can call me. Our relationship became better because she is not in my daily care. The facility, at an extra cost, provided for shower help and dressing and lotions but mom refused their help. They had to do what she said. So, I hired a part time person paid by me to be with mom every week to shower her and do her hair and lotions. As mom progressed in her dementia, she would sleep all the time. So now I have 2 meals delivered and a caregiver come in every day in the afternoon 2-6 (4 hours) to shower her 3 times a week, take her on walks and to events and walk her to dinner and back. The 4 hours was the minimum time and the caregiver I got is the same 2 people so mom is getting bonded and trusting of these wonderful ladies. I guess living with me wasn’t easy for her or for me because she has embraced her apartment. When she was more aware and in the first 3 months, she liked it so much, she asked for a tour of the available apartments and proudly announced to me she has the best apartment! We only did the live in for 8 months but it was taxing on all of us.

We did this 2.5 years ago, it was a big change. Travelling back and forth more than 2 hours to assist her was draining us and closer was going to be less stress for the family.

She had a lot of changes, new doctors, city, new PSW workers, cleaners, etc. This took several months to get sorted out. She lost access to her friends in the previous city, they were going out less often and she was not going to her clubs, so I think this was going to happen whether she moved or not.

Living in our house and we had to make a lot of changes, structure, access, floors. This took more than a year. She needed to have a space where she can live with us, but be her own and it needed to be safe for her, safe space was a big job and expense.

The PSW problem is the same regardless of either location, I switched companies to someone who was more reliable, when one was off, they could send a replacement.

Boundaries and rules need to be clear for everyone living in the house and everyone needs to show respect. In some cases, that means that we do not have guests over. If one of the family inside is ill, we have to isolate ourselves as there is a person living in the house that is vulnerable.

There were pros and cons in both cases, moving is a big decision and a change, but not unsurmountable. In our case, she moved from an apartment to our house and now had access to a garden and a yard, this was a good change for her, and she started to walk and excersise more.

let me just say im willing to sleep in my car to get the hell away from this trapped situation.

If you can I would advise not moving her in with you it’s sad but my mum has got worse regarding the dementia and it’s hard work believe me can’t you source other carers? There must be some that don’t have Covid I have got my mum carers and this helps she lives round the corner from me but know of people who have moved elderly parents in then they deteriorate really quickly and life becomes stressful good luck

It's a big change for everyone which is to be expected. If you have a good relationship with your mother, you'll likely be able to find common ground. It'll save commute time but keep in mind that everyone in your family must make adjustments. To make it work, you'll need to talk with your mom and your own family to figure out a routine that works for everyone. Set expectations before she moves in - and listen to her expectations too. Truth is, your entire family will need to pitch in. Bring some of her familiar things to help her get settled in her bedroom (bed, dresser, art, quilts, etc). Dementia patients thrive when they follow a regular daily routine and they need constant supervision. To give my Dad as much independence as possible, I set up baby cams in the open concept family room/kitchen and an audio monitor in his bedroom (in case he fell or needed help to the bathroom at night). I could monitor him from other rooms in the house to respond to his needs without him knowing why I was entering the room - but he 'ran the show' in the TV room (none the wiser). We dined together for every meal and at the dinner table. I posted a dry-erase whiteboard in his room and wrote down his schedule for the next day (then we talked about it). I got him a "dementia clock" to help him adjust to the time of day when he could no longer read a wall clock. When he began to wander, we installed keyed deadbolts to keep him inside at night. Call Hospice to help - it's not just for end-of-life care. They'll come out and give you a free consultation. My dad was in at-home Hospice for 1 1/2 years. They provided a daily caregiver to help bathe and dress him, social workers, and nursing care when needed. Hospice can also help you find the financial resources to get Mom the care she needs at home. Medicare picked up the tab + provided medical equipment for us. Sure, there were challenges but oh how rewarding this experience was for him and for me.

It is incredibly hard. My husband and I have been caring for his mother going on 4 years now. His brother is no help so in that time frame no vacations, no date nights, and if you still working you need daytime care or to work from home. Whatever you do, if you have a spouse, they have to be 100% on board with the plan. However, there are upsides of course. Not having to travel so much will be easier and less expensive on you. Being around family is going to be best for your mother, if you can do it. But don’t feel guilty if you can’t not everyone can make it work. It’s a struggle every day, that’s just a fact. But research home care help and hospice help if she qualifies. Our hospice care team of nurses and social workers are excellent we are really lucky in that respect.

Have you taken any classes for dementia caregiving? Even if she stays in her home for a bit longer, or if you move her in with you, some additional education may help. I know my mom felt lost for a long time with my grandfather. She had a really hard time transitioning from treating him like her dad and having expectations that he would react to things in a cognitively normal way, to treating him like still her dad (not a patient or a child) but being ready for all the unusual things people with dementia do and say.

From your profile: "I have been taking care of my mom since my dad died 5 years ago. I stay with her 2 weeks out of every month. I have a husband and a family, and it’s taking a toll. My sister and my brother do nothing, absolutely nothing! They just live their lives. I am worn out. She is showing signs of dementia, I’m trying to get guardianship. It’s so hard with covid. She needs assisted living. But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home. I just can’t continue living from suitcases. She is stubborn, gets mad at me when I remind her to take meds, etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my Mom, but I have no life and my family is being sacrificed."

You want to know if you should move your mother in with you? Can't you see that you have answered your own question in your profile?

Interesting that your siblings do absolutely nothing. Why did YOU step up? Now you've done your time (5 years). Don't you deserve the freedom your siblings have? And what about your family????

Your life will be gone, you become your LO slave, prisoner. You can’t leave them alone! So any personal life you now have will be gone. No appointments, like dental, doctors, or just out to lunch, no family events, like a BD, or wedding, or baby shower, and heaven forbid if you have an emergency you can’t leave unless you decide to bring them with you everywhere you go. That was the the worst part of it for me.
My mother moved in with me & my husband 31 years ago. It was fine she was able to live her own life, except she was needy always around all our vacations she came along, all our events, dinners etc. the past 5 years was when I became her prisoner/slave. As I explained you can’t leave! It did get better she had LBD, she lost her balance and ability to walk, but she wouldn’t accept this fact and kept getting up & falling that’s why I could not leave to even do a grocery shopping. But as her disease progressed she came to realize she couldn’t get up, and she had no strength to do so. It was still hard but I didn’t worry as much about her falling, but it was harder she couldn’t dress, toilet, get her meals, bathe etc. that’s when the slave part came in. I did love her but I was tired! And her mind she no longer knew who I was. At the end was basically taking care of a body in a bed. She eventually couldn’t eat, not even very loose hot cereal. Or puddings etc. I was spoon feeding her liquids, then she refused all liquids. That was the end. It was expected but 31 years is a long long time and before I have my freedom again.

Are you old enough to remember watching The Waltons?

Grandma and Grandpa Walton lived with Mama and Daddy and all the kids. Everyone was happy with this arrangement. They were all generally happy with this arrangement. You'd see them all gathered around the radio. What a happy home.

I pictured that when my mother moved in.

It was the exact opposite.

Nobody shows Dementia on TV.

Six weeks of h----, and at the end, I was bedridden from the stress.

Read, read, read about burnout on this site, before you make your decision.

Best wishes to you.

Right now this is just really hard on you for two weeks a month. If you bring her home it will be hard on everyone 24/7. Is this fair to your family?

I did what you are considering 4 years ago and I wouldn't recommend it. The mother you bring into your home won't stay "that mother" very long. The move into my house caused my mother's dementia to become much worse and with that came depression, anxiety, anger and mood swings of all the above. The stage where our parents are still a bit cognizant they are losing an important part of themselves is frustrating and tough to navigate for all involved and we didn't get her appropriate anxiety meds to help her handle all that soon enough. Then came the falls...the cane, the walker, the wheelchair. No more taking her out to eat. My husband and I couldn't/can't leave the house together without a sitter. I never thought I would have issues to battle with my mother over hygiene, but I did. There was a period where every shower was a big fight. And helping her with the shower was not my idea of fun afternoon even without the ugly argument beforehand. We got through that phase but I found myself needing to take over her denture cleaning and dental hygiene. When she got where she couldn't tend to her toileting needs boy, I was thinking back longingly for the days when all I had to worry about was the fight to get her into a shower. My mom is still with us, on hospice, mostly bedridden, dependent on us for everything. All her meals have to be soft now and we've started needing to help her eat. It feels like a full time job and has almost the entire four years she's been with us, the duties have just changed. I understand the covid worry, but if I had it to do over again, I think getting my mom into a nice AL or MC place at the onset would have been easier for everyone. She would have still been early enough in the disease to adjust, meet people and maybe even enjoy the activites. I love my mom very much, bottom line...it has been huge and I didn't expect it to be because my mother was so capable. Also remember that if you're married, this is going to be a big disruptive change to your spouse and it definitely adds stress to the marriage. My husband has taken on a huge brunt of responsibility and sacrificed more than I ever should have let him. Good luck.

It's hard to say what changes will happen for another's family.

If you move her in (even if you don't) PLEASE! Get your paperwork in order! POA (medical and financial...even with a diagnosis of dementia it doesn't preclude her being able to assign POA if it hasn't advanced too far) Advance directives, Will. Insurance beneficiaries, Insurance medical and auto, arranging for when you take the car away, What is going to happen to her home, access to bank accounts or not, TOD for bank accounts or investment, etc etc etc

It will be just as hard. Instead of being off for two weeks, you will be working 24/7 without two weeks off.
Instead of her having all your time every two weeks, she will have to share you with your family every day.
You will feel you are ignoring someone all the time. Much as you probably feel now.
She will have a hard transition now and another when you realize how hard it is for everyone and you decide to place her. Hopefully there will be some good times in between.

I am sorry to be so negative. It isn’t easy being you right now. I wish you all the best and an easy landing.