Just wondering how much your life changes when your elderly mom moves in with your family?

I did what you are considering 4 years ago and I wouldn't recommend it. The mother you bring into your home won't stay "that mother" very long. The move into my house caused my mother's dementia to become much worse and with that came depression, anxiety, anger and mood swings of all the above. The stage where our parents are still a bit cognizant they are losing an important part of themselves is frustrating and tough to navigate for all involved and we didn't get her appropriate anxiety meds to help her handle all that soon enough. Then came the falls...the cane, the walker, the wheelchair. No more taking her out to eat. My husband and I couldn't/can't leave the house together without a sitter. I never thought I would have issues to battle with my mother over hygiene, but I did. There was a period where every shower was a big fight. And helping her with the shower was not my idea of fun afternoon even without the ugly argument beforehand. We got through that phase but I found myself needing to take over her denture cleaning and dental hygiene. When she got where she couldn't tend to her toileting needs boy, I was thinking back longingly for the days when all I had to worry about was the fight to get her into a shower. My mom is still with us, on hospice, mostly bedridden, dependent on us for everything. All her meals have to be soft now and we've started needing to help her eat. It feels like a full time job and has almost the entire four years she's been with us, the duties have just changed. I understand the covid worry, but if I had it to do over again, I think getting my mom into a nice AL or MC place at the onset would have been easier for everyone. She would have still been early enough in the disease to adjust, meet people and maybe even enjoy the activites. I love my mom very much, bottom line...it has been huge and I didn't expect it to be because my mother was so capable. Also remember that if you're married, this is going to be a big disruptive change to your spouse and it definitely adds stress to the marriage. My husband has taken on a huge brunt of responsibility and sacrificed more than I ever should have let him. Good luck.

Are you old enough to remember watching The Waltons?

Grandma and Grandpa Walton lived with Mama and Daddy and all the kids. Everyone was happy with this arrangement. They were all generally happy with this arrangement. You'd see them all gathered around the radio. What a happy home.

I pictured that when my mother moved in.

It was the exact opposite.

Nobody shows Dementia on TV.

Six weeks of h----, and at the end, I was bedridden from the stress.

Read, read, read about burnout on this site, before you make your decision.

Best wishes to you.

Sadly it was bad and only got worse. My mom moving in with us was years well before the health issues (physical and mental/cognitive) as she was virtually broke, in so much debt and had gotten fired from her last job as a receptionist (like who cannot answer the stinking phone). But I am an only child and dad passed when I was a kid 50 years ago. So she moved in.

The initial period worked ok, as she had an expense free life in our home and could pay off her debts. We gifted her some funds and with that, her social security and my dad's annuity checks in time she was able to get out of hock and actually save up a bit but her non-stop gambling was still there. The gambling was the route cause of all the debt. But like with a alcoholic, one addicted to gambling cannot start recovery until they recognize they have a problem. And that recognition never came into place.

Later the mental, cognitive and physical decline happened. She refused to do anything to help herself. We redid her bathroom to be safer, grab bars, no lip walk in shower, structured shower seat, hand held shower device, higher/taller toilet, even the toilet tissue holder was a structured brag bar. She had a private bed/bath suite on the first floor of our home, no stairs to negotiate, huge room (20 by 25 feet).

But the cognitive decline (later given a clear dementia diagnosis) was just impossible. And physically, she could barely walk but refused to use a walker. She would not leave her room, TV blaring 24/7 as refused hearing aids. Every meal eaten in her bed. Eating nothing but junk food and not eating home good home cooked food (made by me) because she'd rant at me "you cooked it in your dirty oven, so I am not eating it." (PS my oven is not dirty.)

The outbursts were awful, allegations "you stole X, Y Z." Forgetting what conditions she had and refusal to take her Rx med or mixing them up (no, would NOT allow me to take them/manage them as that just caused another outburst). Up all night, no one could sleep. Wandering in the house at 3 am, setting off the alarm when she tried to open the door. How many times did I have to call the police and say, "NO false alarm we are ok no need to send officers" (our county police dept charges one for too many false alarms on your home alarm system - yikes). She was unable to do anything. Just trying to get her into a car to take her to her various doctor apts was a two-person task. And the now awareness made basic hygiene hard. I was only allowed to change the sheets on her bed 2 freaking times in nine months, and she has incontinence. Can you imagine. But changing the sheets would have required her to get out of the stinking bed, so that would have been an utter meltdown. I left the stinking bed, stink.

A bad fall, landed her in the hospital for 2 weeks, with a discharge to Rehab and from there (same facility/same nursing home -- NH -- I did all my homework before) she is now a permanent resident in their long term care facility and finally after 8 month of spending down, she is on Medicaid long term care.

After 16 months at the NH she has not acclimated, the awful outbursts continue so I have had to go "no contact" for my own mental health. Her healthcare team is great (board certified geriatrician, geriatric psychiatrist and neurologist on staff there, and wonderful RNs, nurses and aides who I just could hug them all). All other medical stuff handled right there, even the podiatrists comes by every 8 weeks or so. OMG I was having to handle all that too at home, trying to do proper foot care/nail clipping w/her screaming and kicking me; she is also diabetic so proper foot care is very important.

It will take me years to get over this. Yes, I have a great therapist.

DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOUSE!

It will be just as hard. Instead of being off for two weeks, you will be working 24/7 without two weeks off.
Instead of her having all your time every two weeks, she will have to share you with your family every day.
You will feel you are ignoring someone all the time. Much as you probably feel now.
She will have a hard transition now and another when you realize how hard it is for everyone and you decide to place her. Hopefully there will be some good times in between.

I am sorry to be so negative. It isn’t easy being you right now. I wish you all the best and an easy landing.

Your life will be gone, you become your LO slave, prisoner. You can’t leave them alone! So any personal life you now have will be gone. No appointments, like dental, doctors, or just out to lunch, no family events, like a BD, or wedding, or baby shower, and heaven forbid if you have an emergency you can’t leave unless you decide to bring them with you everywhere you go. That was the the worst part of it for me.
My mother moved in with me & my husband 31 years ago. It was fine she was able to live her own life, except she was needy always around all our vacations she came along, all our events, dinners etc. the past 5 years was when I became her prisoner/slave. As I explained you can’t leave! It did get better she had LBD, she lost her balance and ability to walk, but she wouldn’t accept this fact and kept getting up & falling that’s why I could not leave to even do a grocery shopping. But as her disease progressed she came to realize she couldn’t get up, and she had no strength to do so. It was still hard but I didn’t worry as much about her falling, but it was harder she couldn’t dress, toilet, get her meals, bathe etc. that’s when the slave part came in. I did love her but I was tired! And her mind she no longer knew who I was. At the end was basically taking care of a body in a bed. She eventually couldn’t eat, not even very loose hot cereal. Or puddings etc. I was spoon feeding her liquids, then she refused all liquids. That was the end. It was expected but 31 years is a long long time and before I have my freedom again.

From your profile: "I have been taking care of my mom since my dad died 5 years ago. I stay with her 2 weeks out of every month. I have a husband and a family, and it’s taking a toll. My sister and my brother do nothing, absolutely nothing! They just live their lives. I am worn out. She is showing signs of dementia, I’m trying to get guardianship. It’s so hard with covid. She needs assisted living. But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home. I just can’t continue living from suitcases. She is stubborn, gets mad at me when I remind her to take meds, etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my Mom, but I have no life and my family is being sacrificed."

You want to know if you should move your mother in with you? Can't you see that you have answered your own question in your profile?

Interesting that your siblings do absolutely nothing. Why did YOU step up? Now you've done your time (5 years). Don't you deserve the freedom your siblings have? And what about your family????

Right now this is just really hard on you for two weeks a month. If you bring her home it will be hard on everyone 24/7. Is this fair to your family?

let me just say im willing to sleep in my car to get the hell away from this trapped situation.

If your mother needs you there for two weeks at a time, it sounds like she has a lot of needs that you and your family would need to care for when she would move in. There will be a huge change in how you organize your house, your schedules, and your family will be impacted by that.

My mother has early on-set dementia and was diagnosed at the age of 55. By the time she moved in with me she had no money, no job, no car, or anything to help support here. Due to her age she had no social security and no place to live. Her fiancé was dying of lung cancer and he needed care as well. I had two small children at the time and we didn't realize the amount of care and struggle we were about to take on. At the time she moved in we knew she was having cognitive decline, but had not been diagnosed so it was early stages. She was in complete denial with her illness and that took a huge toll.

Her depression and anxiety became so much worse when she lived with us. Her behavior became erratic and dangerous. The arguments about why she shouldn't be driving (she had totaled her car earlier in the year), her lack of cleanliness and self-care was a lot. She would leave the house and try to hitch hike places she wanted to go or ask my neighbors to take her places. My husband and I worked full-time so she spent many hours home alone and we didn't have the money for in-home care. We had to hide our car keys, put a lock on our bedroom door to hide her sleeping pills (she would take too many and not realize it). She became aggressive with my kids because she didn't realize what she was doing. We had her on depression medication and dementia medication but it didn't help. Eventually she became manic and a harm to herself and others that we had to put her into a psychiatric facility and then into memory care. We just didn't realize what the right medication was for her at that time.

My kids felt the stress and changes a lot. They also started to become anxious and had issues at school. My husband and I were fighting a lot and it really took a toll on our marriage. There are many people on this site who do take on full-time care giving and while there are many struggles there are some great memories that they build. However, their life becomes your life. You mentioned having a family so I'm assuming you have a spouse and kids. You have to weigh how much you are willing to give up to take on this responsibility. It will for sure change your lifestyle and have a impact. Keep in mind you can still have a relationship with your mom even if she lives in a facility. My mom's depression improved so much when she moved. She had friends and activities and a life I wasn't equipped to provide her. I wish you nothing but the best in making this decision because we all know how difficult it is.

Upon reading these responses, it occurs to me each is unique and specific to their own situation. And that is what you should keep in mind. Each of us has our own set of circumstances and deal with the unique personality of our loved one. There may be similar things going on, but your story is just that. YOUR story. I found that I faced each day with a different problem or problems. I had to figure out how to proceed. Always, I had the ‘head’ versus ‘heart’ argument. Not easy most days to figure out the best solution. Thank God for my husband to bounce things off. If you have someone close that you trust, that is such a help. Speaking of God, faith and prayer were huge for me. I believe that God has His plan. We need to trust that. Being a ‘fixer’, this was difficult for me to remember. However, after 5 years, God’s plan was clear after mom came down with pneumonia and sepsis. She could not return with us, she went to a facility for rehab and she stayed, in the skilled nursing area. Thankfully, her body recouped, but her mental status deteriorated. Maybe that was a good thing for her. She seems to be doing fairly well, in her peaceful world. That was my story, with all the difficult details omitted. You are living yours now. Good luck. Trust your goodness and good intentions and good heart to lead you to better days. No decision worth making is ever easy. You are worth it to make this decision. Your loved one is worth it to make this decision. Only YOU can make it.