Anyone know what I should do? Mother, 91, still pretty "sharp," in nursing home and from all reports, happy as a clam during the Covid sequester. The problem is that she refuses to call me or return my unanswered calls. This is in sharp contrast to her extremely demanding dependence on me for years. This new reliance upon a now-closed community is meeting her social and emotional needs but her "ghosting" behavior is a little unsettling for me.
I think they're all flipping out, truthfully. Either they're super clingy towards us or writing us off completely. When dementia is at play (as it is with my mother), I believe they're all declining pretty quickly with the circumstances that are in play right now.
I don't know why your mother is acting this way towards you right now, and she probably doesn't either. But you can take comfort (as I do) in knowing she's being cared for and in capable hands where she's at. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace to settle in your heart, in spite of the difficult circumstances we're all facing at this time.
It’s not unusual for elders to form attachments to the ones who are caring for them. I’ve seen small children do this also. Under the circumstances that seems like a good thing. A bit of adjustment for you I’m sure.
There is little you can or possibly even should (even if you could) do about it at this point. Again, glad she is doing well.
Normal mothers would never ghost their adult children, or anyone for that matter
... But within the realm of psychologically manipulative mothers ... ghosting or giving silent treatments to anyone = normal behaviors.
If you have siblings, contact them, they might have had completely different life-long experiences with her.
It's easy to dismiss her actions as age-related, but abusive personalities tend to show-up clearly, as their bodies grow older, as hiding their abusive ways becomes more difficult after their frontal lobe starts to deteriorate.
If the aforementioned applies to your situation. Don't react. Stay silent and enjoy the silence.
To ease your guilt, contact the facility - so they understand that you're still present in your mother's life,and to check-in about your mother.
Since normal mothers wouldn't fathom ghosting a family member, then it's VERY possible, if not guaranteed, that your mother will deny that she ghosted you, whilst pretending that you're over-reacting. For the record you're not over-reacting.
Maybe it's best to use this time to online resarch more about mothers who ignore their daughters/sons etc.
If she has suddenly acquired (always hid) a manipulative personality, then she is trying to get you to react, and to worry about her. She is getting empowered by the stress her deliberate silence is causing you.
Thank you -and everyone else here- for responding with affirmations, care, and valid advice. Much appreciated!
I've had the same phone number for 41 years and she has never bothered to learn it.
A couple of weeks ago a neighbor of mine who plays Bingo with mother called me up and read me the riot act for 'neglecting your sweet angel of a mother'. WTH? I had been sick with shingles and not talking to or seeing anyone. And she has my number, no reason not to call me--except she wanted her friend to see how terribly concerned she was about me (not at all).
I told her friend (whom I have known for 30+ years) that mother is playing games and I don't want to be a part of anything she's playing at. I told her that she won't return my calls, won't call me and so that's that. If she wanted to continue to think Mother is some kind of maligned neglected woman, she can, but the truth is, she's narcissistic and actually kind of mean at times. I have set very firm boundaries about what I can let her talk about with me. (sadly, I found myself being the same way mother was being, with my own kids--to a small degree and they called me out pretty darn fast on it)
I can't change her. I can't even hold a conversation with her anymore. Triangulating this other woman into the 'relationship' and playacting that she was concerned and loving just ground my gears.
This woman can think what she wants. I can't change her either.
The thing is, I don't see what mother gets out of being this way? If you're concerned about someone, call them. End of story. Every single time I see or talk to mother (admittedly not very often) she asks about all the other kids and their kids...I always say "if you're concerned about them, call THEM."
So, I have very limited contact with her. I will phone her once or twice month to engage in a very brief neutral conversation.
I have accepted there will not be any meaningful conversation with her. It is more like small talk that I would have with anyone.
I finally gave up on resolving issues. I no longer try to control a situation that I can’t change. I do not have the power to change anyone else’s outlook on life.
I am sorry that things are difficult for you. Relationships can become complicated with our families.
Many of us have experienced awkward and disturbing situations within our families.
I am actually relishing this break from her usual 'extremely demanding dependence' on us and quite dread its return when things go back to normal - though as the UK government are talking of isolating over-70s for a year, it might not.
Try not to worry, and maybe try to see the good side of this change, as no doubt someone would let you know if your mother had any real problem.
I was lucky. My Dad was a pain but a loveable pain. Mom spoiled him. Waited on him hand and foot. He was a teaser but sometimes he stepped over the line and it became truth said in jest. As he aged, it got worse. And because I was the easier to upset, I was usually targeted. I told my brothers I would not be the one to physically care for him. TG he passed before Mom. But before he died, I started to set boundries. My Mom was easy compared to some but I set boundries. I was tired of being the oldest and expected to be there all the time.
I can understand why those with mothers that are munipulating keep allowing it to happen. You may be looking for something u have never had, love and attention? After years of this, I would think your tired trying and just let it go. Take a deep breath and say "I am not doing this to myself anymore".
So, enjoy the peace and quiet. Don't try to figure it out, Enjoy!
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