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I actually got a vacation this past week. My youngest two sons watched my mother so I could have some time to myself. When I got back today, Mom was on her way to the bathroom. After she came out, I went in to use it. She had messed the bathroom up again. Feces on the toilet and on the floor. I went out and asked my sons if they had to clean the bathroom while I was gone. They said they had no problems with her using the toilet. So is she messing up the bathroom because I'm back and knows I have to clean it or was this a true accident? I have asked questions on here before and got great answers and suggestions...finally taking a break was one. But her nasty attitude towards me has always been there. I'm not going to talk about that now. Thank you.

My mother had pretty doggone advanced dementia and said things she KNEW would upset me, on purpose, and that she'd kept quiet about for decades! Now, YOU tell ME what that's all about! Elders with dementia are NOT out of their minds 24/7 and to suggest such a thing is to not understand how dementia presents itself.

I worked at a Memory Care Assisted Living residence as a front desk receptionist. We had a resident named Cindy who was as sweet as pie to everyone, nice as could be. The moment her husband showed up, her fangs came out and she started cursing at him and calling him foul and disgusting names, in front of everyone. It was awful, he was the nicest man with the patience of Job. Again, she turned on and off like a light switch, knowing full well what she was doing, undoubtedly.

Many folks with dementia are shrewd and manipulative, there is no doubt about it. Unless they are bedridden and comatose, there's a good possibility mother is playing you like a fiddle and punishing you for having the nerve to leave her for a vacation!
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Scampie1 Jun 17, 2024
lealonnie, thank you for clearing this one up for me. I wondered about this too. I had a client like that who would be okay when she had company or was out, but the minute the company left, it would be heck to pay. She would say the ugliest things to me.
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This is what I think - even when someone with dementia is doing things that are obviously manipulative and malicious it's still the dementia that is causing them to be this way, unless of course they have always been that way and in that case I wonder why anyone would even consider providing hands on care.
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Reply to cwillie
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"I went out and asked my sons if they had to clean the bathroom while I was gone. They said they had no problems with her using the toilet. So is she messing up the bathroom because I'm back and knows I have to clean it or was this a true accident?"

Sounds like mom did this on purpose based on your sons saying she had no problems using the bathroom while you were gone. Time to start looking into moving your spiteful mother into a care facility.
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Reply to anonymous1768885
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Just a guess.. Mother didn't want to go while the boys were there. Or didn't remember to. Held on too long & then had urgency & an accident.
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Anxietynacy Jun 17, 2024
Oh that's very possible, I would of never thought of that.
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I had a cat that would do that when I'd come back from vacation. I had a pet sitter take care of him while I was gone, and he was perfect for her.

The cat didn't have dementia, just a bad attitude.
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My daughter and her fiancés dog will have accidents when he gets excited . If he hasn’t seen us for a while or if the owners go away and come home .
My daughter calls them “ happy dumps “.

But a person , ummm , some would do this on purpose . I can’t say if your Mom did . However , the fact that this was done I would be sending Mom for placemat .

We had my FIL ( with dementia ) temporarily with us when we brought him from another state to be near us in assisted living . I got so tired of cleaning up poop fingerprints from all over the bathroom . I couldn’t wait for him to leave. He wasn’t doing it on purpose . He just could not take care of himself properly.
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Reply to waytomisery
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I've been wondering the same thing about my mom. She has ma wait on her hand and foot, but then I see where she has gone outside and slid her rocking chair 40 feet to have shade. Makes me wonder why can't you walk a cup 20 feet to the kitchen.
Then i see her struggling with the simplest thing and I feel bad for getting upset. I need to mention, my mom is also a narcissist with mild dementia so there's that playing around in my head too. Talk with her doctor alone and see if you can get some advice, help, or whatever you might need.
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Rbuser1 Jun 17, 2024
My Mom does things like that too. The old, I do what I want to, when I want to, comes to mind. Then you do all the rest.
So far, she can toilet herself and use her pull ups as needed. I'm not sure hoe I would handle poop everywhere but op's Mom seems like that was an on purpose thing.
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It's a considerably valid question to wonder about the faking. My father has now taken to tipping his cup of tea into his urinal bottle. when I questioned him about it, he played dumb and started rapping on about something totally irrelevant. He is sneaky and hides things like feces on pajama bottoms and his pull up night diapers. He doesn't wash his hands after going to the toilet and there is evidence on doorhandles. he makes me sick with his filthy habits. I wonder just how much dementia is real, or is he doing things to deliberately annoy me.
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Reply to LaGorda58
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Hi,
I'm glad to see someone else ask this question. I asked something similar to this about a month ago. I think my dad did this as well before going to a facility. In my opinion it is something deeply psychological towards me because he as often treated others better than me. No one wants to clean up feces. He now eats things he knows will cause loose bowels( has accidents often) and he has to use the bathroom multiple times per day. I know the staff at the facility are fustrated. I know that this their job but I know it is challenging. He is on a limited diet but he takes it upon himself to go to the snack machine and eat things he is not suppose to.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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Uarew, I guess the real question is, how long are you willing to give up your life for this person called mom? Because she has always been ugly to you and that won't change unless she is comatose.

You say she makes to much, has to many assets to receive any help but, that's not necessarily true. If you are not trying to preserve assets then you can do a Miller Trust and get her placed in a LTC facility.

Personally, real accident or intentionally spreading feces is a one way ticket to care. No way I could care for anyone that led me to wonder if this behavior was intentional. Take your crap to a facility! Bye-bye!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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