I am swimming in a sea of guilt and regret. My husband and I finally built our dream home after planning/saving for 5 years and made the decision to have my 92 year old Mom move in with us as it seemed to be to only financial solution and the "right thing to do." Mom is mentally and physically sound ( hard of hearing only) and was living alone for 2 years after my father passed. She has a paid "helper" 3 days a week for errands, light house keeping, and to drive her like Miss Daisy. She is slowly eating away at the small nest egg ( less than 80k) and uses her SS payment to pay this helper/ food/medical needs. We dont ask for any financial assistance.
The problem? She is having a lot of difficulties with our boundaries and need for privacy. She acts like it's her house and pushes the limits of every No we give her. She wants to be the third person in our marriage and can't understand why people who have been married for 30 years want to be alone in their house. My sister is zero help 2 states away and one step from homeless. My brother is 4 states away and lives in a modest, small home, no room for Mom. After being empty nesters for 8 years ,this has been an extremely difficult transition. We both work demanding jobs and just want to enjoy the piece and tranquility of our new space. I don't see how her funds would pay for independent/assisted living and when I mentioned that idea she said she "doesn't want to live with old people." Having her "helper" should help, but instead it often feels like having a second person living with us. I fear this has been the undoing of my relationship with my Mother and I am shocked at her selfish/ self-centered attitude of entitlement. I can't imagine ever making the demands or expectations on my own daughters if I were the one with no place to go. I want her out and am berating myself for those thoughts.
I am sorry; there's no good way out of this but grieving it. You will grieve it and so will your Mom and all others involved. Your intentions were good. It has not worked. Not everything can be fixed. I wish you the best. My heart goes out to you in your grief, and to your Mom, but this has an answer, if a tough one.
People make mistakes all the time b/c we're human. What we have a hard time doing is admitting it. Once we do, however, that's when everything changes. Humility allows us to accept our humanity with grace and allows the other person to do so as well.
Once the elephant is out of the room, then you and mom can go about finding a new place for her to live. Whether or not she wants to live with 'old people', she IS an old person herself! Being in a senior apartment complex, she'd have lots of others to socialize with and that would be a GOOD thing, so present it to her in that light. When I had to move my folks here to Colorado, I knew dad was a bit tight with his money, so I found them an older senior apartment building that had great reviews. The rent was a lot lower b/c it was older and didn't have the fancy bells & whistles that the newer chain places had. They wound up with a much larger unit as a result, and loved it there for the 3 years they were residents before AL became necessary.
So stop berating yourself for wanting your home to yourself. I would HATE having anyone living with me and my DH and I say it out loud all the time. It's my right to feel that way, too, and there's nothing wrong with it! I've earned that right at almost 65 years old, too. So have you!
Good luck!
He didn't think it was funny.
Have you said to mom what you have said here?
If she is disrespecting the boundaries that you have set then have a sit down talk with her and tell her that after the New Year you will both have to begin looking for Independent, Assisted Living or Senior apartments for her and that by Feb 1st you expect that she will be moving out. (In IL or AL she may be able to do away with the "helper" so that will no longer be an expense)
Hopefully you are your mother's DPoA so that you can help get a cognitive/memory test at her doctor's and then consider transitioning her to a care facility (that accepts Medicaid) where she'll have far more social interaction with different people and opportunities to participate in activities and events. I wish you all the best in working through it -- you are certainly not the first adult child to have this problem and you won't be the last. May you gain peace in your heart in the process.
You say that your mom does not have dementia and does all right health wise which is good. That being said, what you have on your hands is a senior brat. A senior brat is the same as a child brat only old. You deal with them the same way though. You stop allowing your mother to behave like the lord of the manner in your house. This means your word is law and that's the end of it. If like a child brat she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way, totally ignore her. Remember something, you're not a kid anymore. You do not owe mom an explanation for anything you do or anywhere you go. You don't want her living with you and made a mistake letting her move in. Stop beating yourself up with guilt about it. Everyone makes mistakes.
Find her an AL or senior living community and tell her she's moving in. If she gave you any money to build your dream home, give it back. I'm sure she'll give you a hard time about it but too bad.
Could your almost homeless sister be an option? Like the two of them move into a place and mom pays her instead of her 'helper'?
Granted, this possibility will sell your sister into slavery, but it would beat being homeless.
Have you thought about putting a Tuffshed tiny house in your backyard? It's not just a shed when fully set up, it's a full on in-law separated unit. No dementia or ADL loss? She should be able to maintain "independently" in there and pay her aide/housekeeper/driver. She presses on you for more free labor and stuff beyond that, that's when you bring up Medicaid as you're not Bank of Free Stuff or Director of Socialization.
The unit would also be an appreciating asset. Once your mother passes or is out of there, it can be used as a rental or down the line housing for an aide should you yourself need one.
Have you straight out told her that she is going to have to move if she keeps it up? This is YOUR house, you ARE the mistress and she is not?
Explain that she doesn't need to understand, she needs to respect your desire for some private time with your husband.
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