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As stated in my previous posts, I have been my father's primary caregiver since the passing of my mom 21 years ago. I sacrificed and gave up so much to remain in my hometown. My father and I have also had a tense relationship and he has always put me down since I was a child and he still does. Last night, was the last straw. He told me that all of my struggles were my fault. Long story short, he does not seem to understand why I struggle financially. I retired two years ago and one of my main reasons was to be available for him. But I will be going back to work full time this fall and I want to move away. I even told him that I wish I had left years ago to have better opportunities and he said it is too late for me now. If I could afford to move soon, I would but I'm going to try to work towards doing so.

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NeedHelpWithMom: My husband (93) is consistently astonished that he's still here. Neither of us took particularly good care of our bodies until our 40s (we met when he was 47 and I was 39). Late nights and partying in our 20s-30s probably weren't conducive to good health in our later years, but we've been pretty fortunate so far. He has some short-term memory issues but they're manageable at least for now. I think his brain may even outlast my back!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Elizabeth,

When people told my mom that she was going to live to be 100, she would say, “I hope not!” I think perhaps she would have felt differently if she had been in good health. She struggled as her Parkinson’s disease progressed.

That’s wonderful that you and your husband have relatively good health. I hope that you will continue on this path. 😊
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Yes!
Never too late 50 or 80 to start over or rather restart our lives post caregiving.
As somebody once wrote we owe to ourselves after caregiving to live the best possible lives. Think big!
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NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you for the kind words. We've tried to plan as well as we can, but frankly we didn't anticipate hanging around this long! Except for the occasional outlier, neither of us has particularly long-lived ancestors.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
I hear you, Elizabeth. My mom would say to me that she was surprised to be in her 90’s! She died at 95. Daddy died when he was 85.

When she turned 90, I said that I was going to put 90 candles on her cake. She said, “Oh honey, please don’t. I don’t think I have enough air to blow them out!” LOL 😆

Mom’s side has longevity. I have a cousin who is 100! She is still active. My great aunts and uncles lived until their late 90’s. Mom’s brother died at 96.
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I didn't START my career until I was 41. Worked pretty low level clerical jobs right out of college, had three babies in rapid succession, went back to grad school at 36.

My mIl went back to grad school at 35 and got a PhD. My mom STARTED her undergrad work at 62, got her BS Summa at 82.

I don't think it's ever too late.

Sign up at www.bogleheads.org for good financial advice.
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I didn't even find my voice until I was nearing my 50s. I wouldn't say I've started over entirely. But I've started a new career. We moved into a different house. DH had to take early retirement due to illness and apply for disability and I became the sole breadwinner. Our youngest daughter, who lives at home and attends college, was diagnosed with Autism.

So while not exactly starting over - the applecart flipped upside down and we had to turn it back over and rethink our entire life plan all at one time.

So heck yeah you can start over in your 50s.

You can start over until you can't. Which is when you no longer have breath in your lungs as far as I'm concerned. The stakes and options may not always be the same. But you can always learn and grow and change as long as your are alive.
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YES! Absolutely! However, you have to have the confidence and the motivation to succeed and to get past all the obstacles.

You need to leave your Dad. He is tearing you down (constant criticism) rather than helping you grow. Yes, he doesn't understand you and on top of that, does not appear to be grateful for what you are doing for him.

You need to put procedures in place so that you can leave with a clear conscience:

1. How is he going to take care of himself? Is he going to hire caregivers or just live alone? Is he going to a senior living facility?

2. If something happens, like a fall, how will he contact someone for help? Is someone going to check in occasionally?

3. Who will be taking him to his appointments, or to get groceries? Does he take medications? Who will be ensuring that he takes his medication?

4. Does he cook? How will he get his meals?

5. How will he get done, what you help him do now?

These are just some of the things you will need to put in place. Once you leave, you only want to come back on planned, scheduled visits, if even that. He has already shown what damage he can do to you.

There are many, many people who have had to start their life all over at 60 and even 70 and 80. You can have a life that has less adversity than the life you have now. However, you need to make plans to gracefully exit the one you have and plan and have the confidence to do something different than what you are doing now.

Good luck to you!
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Golden,

I agree with Elizabeth. Your answers are always spot on. 😊
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Golden23: Again, you're spot on about health issues. Until I turned 80, I was doing great. Now, not so much, although I'm still mobile--and reasonably competent. As of today, I can perform my ADLs/IADLs. (Y-a-a-y for me.) My husband can still do most. He voluntarily stopped driving 3 years ago though.

We hope to avoid moving although I realize that there are no guarantees. Our current residence is a single-story manufactured home in a "55+" community, very close to stores, our healthcare providers and other essentials. Our/my husband's adult children live in the area, but we're determined to avoid disrupting their lives to the maximum extent possible. There are several elder facilities locally, although we'd really rather make our Final Exits prior to needing them!!

Good luck with the sale of your home and relocation to a new condo. Smart move to wait on your pension to age 70. Wish I'd done the same with S/S.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Elizabeth,

You sound lovely. I bet you have a wonderful relationship with your children.

You’re kind, wise and considerate.
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Absolutely! Your life isn’t over.

My friend took a leave from work to care for her sister with Down’s syndrome and dementia. She was paid a small amount of money serving as her sister’s caregiver.

She is in her late 50’s. She was able to resume working as a paralegal.
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Yes, and also in your 60s and 70s.
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See if your local Community College has a counselor to help you find a job ur suited for. A friend of mine was such a counselor and could tell you if a job would still be there after graduating from college. Maybe there are scholarships available for women trying to get back into the job field.

My husbands personality is...you don't tell him he can't do something because he is going to prove you wrong everytime.

My Dad was like yours always "you can't do that "
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golden23 Jun 2023
Joann, I identify with your dh. Your dad was quite discouraging
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"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time" Mitch Alboom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.
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That’s the wonderful thing about being an adult, you get to choose what to do. And it’s never too late to change course. In my 50’s I’ve changed jobs to something completely different than anything I’ve ever done before, nothing like what I went to college to do, and am finding it quite enjoyable. I also stopped thinking I owe explanations to others for my decisions, sure which I’d learned that one way earlier. Your dad is being a jerk to you, there’s no excuse for his rude comments, and I hope you won’t listen to even one more of them. Look out for yourself and your own well being, I wish you the best
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Honestly it is not really "starting over" it is Starting. If you have put your life on hold for 21 years you owe it to yourself to begin your life as you should have 20 years ago.
You go girl! Spread those wings and FLY
And do not look back!!!
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Good heavens, no!!! I'm 85 and on my way to a new life in a condo when I can get this house sold.

I divorced when I was 60, worked until I was 73 and met someone when I was 71. We are still together looking forward to the future.

The most important thing is to look after your health and look after your finances. I only started saving for my retirement when I was 50 and I am comfortably off now partly due to working so long and building my pension.

You can do it. Yay for you moving away and going back to work. Your father is only saying it's too late to try to keep you there in the same role. He wants to control you. Cut the chains!
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Hopeforhelp22 Jun 2023
What a fantastic story, Golden23...you're truly a success!!
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faithfulbeauty - use your father's words to "fuel you" to do bigger and better things...in spite of what he said! When I've come across those in my life who tried to keep me down - or put me down - I knew their insecurities and selfishness caused them to say words that were untrue. So if anything, that was exactly what made me try even harder to prove them wrong!

You will do the same!
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CaringinVA Jun 2023
Yes!! Use it as fuel for your future. Well said!
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I have reinvented myself so many times I am dizzy from pivoting around.

50's is not too old, go for it, don't waste another moment.

Make a plan, and follow through!
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OMG 50s saw me having breast cancer, moving from LVN to RN with education and starting a whole new relationship which survives happily today in my 80s.

So I sure hope to say it's possible.As the mom repeated in Moonstruck "It ain't over till it's over".

And you aren't starting over unless you died and found out it's all about reincarnation. You don't start over. You continue, and as you go you choose different paths (or not), you learn (or don't), you discard what wasn't working and gather in what will (or you don't).
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I was married 20yrs and divorced at 45. I met my Soul Mate by accident a year later, and fell in love and started over again! I never planned it and was pretty bitter about men....yet those was the best years of my life!
We only had 6 years of happiness, remodeled the house, went to Maui 5 times...then he was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, given a year to live.

At 52, I was alone again and devastated. I met a new group of people and slowly made new friends, and they all still are friends 17 yrs later. I struggled financially, yet by 2018 (at age 64) I paid off all debt, and retired in my paid off house. It was a big comeback!
I was so bored, I got on the local Planning Commission for 2 yrs, then was asked to run for City Council in 2020 (at age 66), entirely financed by clean money donations. I got 6,000 votes and missed winning by only 700.
My 50s were amazing and not what I ever expected!
Don't think your life is over at 52! Whoever tells you that is jealous they aren't 52.
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Hopeforhelp22 Jun 2023
wow - Dawn - your story is so motivational - and of course, inspirational!!
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It's never too late to start over. That's the great thing about life! I just hate that you're waiting until fall to get back to work, as the sooner you start, the sooner you can get the heck out of Dodge.
And please no more excuses as to why you can't work/leave. You deserve so much better than what you have put up with the last many years.
I still am not sure that you believe that as if you did, your last sentence wouldn't say, "If I could afford to move soon, I would but I'm going to TRY to work towards doing so." It would instead say that no matter what I am moving out and getting away from this unhealthy situation as I know that I deserve so much better.
There is power in words, so choose yours carefully and intentionally.
God bless you.
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50 is not old and it's never too late to better your life. Do you already have a job and housing lined up? I know what you're going through. My parents were very critical when I was growing up. I felt like everything I did wasn't good enough
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