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A nurse, home health sitter, and assisted living director who know or have met my father have all advised that he will react horribly and it will put my aging mother through the announcement too many times if we tell him or prepare him in advance. They all say he will refuse to go. They say that he won’t remember anyway, so we shouldn’t upset him ahead of time. It just feels wrong. What’s best for the parent with dementia and the one without? We just don’t know what’s right. We just know his behavior is too much for my mother, she’s said repeatedly she, “Can’t take it any more." My father is 85 and mother 83.

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I would tell him it’s for a “while”. The dementia probably prevents him from marking time accurately. My mom is moving soon and I will be doing exactly that. When she asks about going home, I will tell her she’s being released “next Saturday”. She has been with me for 9 months but she believes it has been anywhere from a few hours to a few days depending when you ask. Her comfort is most important so I don’t worry about lying or misleading or any other term. Keeping her happy and adjusted is all that matters. She is happy thinking she will go home after the next Dr appt or when she is released.
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Try not to let your anxiety transfer to LO - know that you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances - and frame on the day as “taking a special ride for VIP” or “going on an adventure”
Queenly wave optional.
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It feels 'wrong' because you believe you are interacting / communicating with your father as he was mentally / cognitively before his brain started to change. When the brain changes, he will not be able to comprehend as he did before.

When you realize that his brain and functioning has changed, you will understand that the primary objective is to keep him as calm and even emotionally as possible. The way (or one way) you do it is to tell him he's going for a drive (,,, to where depends on what works best ... to visit a friend (his or yours)... to lunch ... to a museum ... to a garden.

Go to TEEPA SNOW's website and watch some of her videos. It will help you understand how to talk to your dad - for the best way for him.

It hurts. You have lost the dad you know.
Understanding that he is a different person inside (his brain, perhaps not his heart***) will help you feel 'better' knowing you are doing what supports him the most.

*** My client who has advanced dementia responds to me with a smile and emotionally 'moved' when I tell her I love her. I gave her a kiss on her hand today and she gets it. She knows she is loved. She talks 'giberish' - I never know what she is saying to me although I respond as if I do: "I understand ... I'll have to check into that... Once in a while she will actually respond to me. I say "Hi M" and she says Hi or something like that.

Telling your dad that you love him will matter and make a difference.
Learn to 'speak to him' without many words. Tone of voice, touches, smiles (you can learn all this on Teepa's website).

My heart goes out to you.

Gena / Touch Matters
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MSAMS23: Do not tell him ahead of time and use EMS when you do. Emergency Medical Services has the wherewithal to handle the transport successfully.
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I did not tell my mother early that I was moving her from my house to AL. She has mild/moderate dementia and her care had become too much for me and my husband and too disruptive to our lives.

I told her Sunday night, hubby and I set up the apartment on Monday (while caregivers were here with her which was sooooo helpful) and Tuesday I had her over there for lunch.

She was NOT happy. Cried and cried. Until the caregivers came and they did so much to pull her out of that. She's a people pleaser so she didn't want to be a big baby laying in her bed crying all day when she had company! Anyhow, she has adjusted pretty well and forgiven me for making her move.

I did not tell her almost exactly the reasons you are being told. I know she would have argued with me, cried, bargained, tried every trick in the book because I knew from prior convos that she was NOT interested in moving to AL. I knew she would ask me the same questions over and over and over and I just can not stand that dementia behavior so it was best for both of us for that to be avoided.

So, it's not a perfect solution but it's the less problematic choice.

I agree your mom should not be a witness to all this hoopla. Can she go somewhere to be with a relative or friend?

I would hire an ambulance transport (not the same as calling 911). They will be able to handle it.
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Don't tell him until you are literally moving him out. He isn't going to remember it being explained to him and God forbid he gets into a dementia loop about it and keeps repeating about it and your mother can't calm him down.

I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen every kind of dementia. It's never the right decision to tell someone something like they're moving or some other bad news. All it does is upset them then they don't remember why they're upset. This can often lead to setbacks for them that makes caregiving for them even harder.

I recall when an elderly dementia client of mine lost her husband of almost 60 years. I put a sign on the front door saying that she has dementia and if you're visiting to please not pay your respects or offer your condolences. All it will do is upset her and it will be like she's hearing it for the first time, everytime.
Well one friend with zero self-control who maybe saw these people once or twice a year, had to come in crying and offering her condolences.
My client got hysterical, crapped her pants, and lost the ability to feed herself for almost a month. The upset really set her back.
You could tell your father they're going on vacation. Or that the house needs renovation so they (your parents) are going to stay in a hotel while the work gets done. Tell him anything that will minimize the upset.
Just don't tell him in advance.
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AliOJ58 Jul 2023
Adding “dementia loop” to my lexicon today - (we’ve been referring to “the Loop” and have a rule of 3 (successively shorter responses and then no response)
also first I heard “benevolent trickery” - appreciate your perspective
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From experiencing this with my mother, who had advanced dementia and had to move to memory care, it is best to follow the advice of the experts. He won't remember, he'll feel anxiety for days in advance, instead of just during the move (and often for some time after the move). It will be hard on your father. All moves are hard for seniors, particularly those with dementia. But remember that it is for the best, both for your father, who will be getting the care he needs, and for your mother, who is a stressed-out caregiver for your father. He may want to "go home" for some time after the move. Be gentle about assuring him that he needs to be in a place where he can get the right kind of care. Good luck!
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You feel that telling him “feels wrong”, but can you consider the fact that he no longer has the capacity to reason, and consider what he actually needs to be safe and cared for?

You “just know that his behavior is too much for” your mother. She too deserves peace and safety. You have been told by trained care givers who know your father that it is not in HER best interests for him to be told.

Sometimes the care of someone with dementia requires decision making that is not comfortable or pleasant for any of the people concerned, but yet absolutely necessary.

If you can access a mild, calming medication from one of your father’s doctors, it may help.

It will be very difficult for all of you, but the end goal must be to get him to the new facility, and leave him as quickly as possible in the care of those who will be caring for him.

Remember as you move forward, that you are all working towards doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you.
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What’s right is for Dad to have the care he needs. Assuming your your mom is not a skilled geriatric nurse, so it’s right for her to have whatever is needed to keep dad safe and well as he progresses with this horrible disease. Staff will help to regulate dad in his new environment.

Wishing you the best outcome possible.
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For what it is worth, my mother - who was not significantly demented, but had mobility issues due to the repercussions of a spinal infection post hysterectomy - was moved against her will from her independent living apartment into the "care" center of a high end continuing care retirement community. She had a psychotic break two days before the move. She recovered, but the move was detrimental to her well-being and led to an extreme decline in her quality of life. (To provide her with some quality of life, and advocacy, I moved and spent the last 5.5 years of her life with her each day - outside of when families were banned during COVID. During COVID we obtained a court order to put up a 24/7 camera in her room.) The CCRC did not permit more than 12 hours of care in one's independent living home (which I now know is against the law under the Fair Housing Act).

The bottom line: Based on my mother and what I observed when others were moved against their will, you should expect some change in your father - anxiety, depression, anger, and/or some other negative emotion(s). That being said, while each situation is unique, I disagree strongly with anyone who says, "he won't remember" so don't worry about it. He may not remember in the sense of being able to verbalize to you what is going on. However, people with dementia still have feelings and the vibration and resonance of a situation make an imprint.

Best to you all.
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Do not tell him because both his brain is broken and it will not help your mother. There's also no point in upsetting him.

On the day of his move, I agree that your mother should go ahead and then he can be told that he's going to see her.

Our dementia counselor, whom my husband hired to help us with his dad, calls it "benevolent trickery."
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AliOJ58 Jul 2023
We’ve been saying it’s “therapeutic lies” - I ❤️ “benevolent trickery”
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MSAMS23,

You may feel as if you should tell your dad ahead of time but I don’t see the point of telling him early. If you tell him earlier, he will get upset. Then your mom will get upset too.

I would also ask about meds to help with anxiety. Reassure your mom that he will be properly cared for.

Allow an ambulance to transport him. If he does get upset with EMT workers, they will know how to handle it.

Transitional times are the worst! When the dust settles, you will see that you made the best decision.

Wishing you peace as you move forward in this difficult journey.
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Katsmihur Jun 2023
My mom acted totally different with the EMTs when I called 911, than she did with me. She has always followed instructions of any professional over me, so transport from her home to the ER was wonderful. Thank God for our emergency responders!
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Why does it feel wrong to do what is in your father’s best interest given his brain is broken? That he can’t understand?

Why would you want to torture him so you can feel better about things?
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I would wait till u got him there and a do think a low dose of something to keep him calm is a good idea. I took my Mom to an AL and later LTC and both times she was told she was going to a new apartment where she would live and make new friends. I saw no reason to tell her before, she would forget anyway.
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It really depends on your father's personality and behaviours, there is no one size fits all. The tone of your post implies he is violent and mistrustful and likely to endlessly ruminate over the move, in that case I agree with not telling him. If, on the other hand, he is just lost and confused and the behaviours your mother "can't take any more" are related to that then you might be able to have a productive conversation with him about the need for the move, that can be affirming for everyone even if he doesn't remember later.
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I would get some short acting anti anxiety meds from his doc for the day of the move and I would hire an ambulette--non-emergency medical transport for the trip.

My usually cooperative mother tried to wrest the steering wheel from my husband in our car. Dementia makes people unpredictable and safety is paramount.
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I agree. You may need ambulance transport. He is less likely to fight them; they will be reassuring with him. Mom will likely lead to his being more agitated and she may become so frightened by it all she is in danger health wise. She should not be present if that is possible during transport to ambulance. That will leave EMS able to tell him that they are taking him to her. She can go to the facility in another car.

So sorry. This won't be without angst. It is something you simply have to get through to get it over. There's no way around it.
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anonymous1732518 Jun 2023
He could still be combative with EMS, especially when he sees the facility.

Poor guy, what a sad way of spending the rest of your life.
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