Is it okay to not want my aging mom to move in with me?

I get it! You are facing your truth. Stick to your decision. After all you are still doing your part of caring for your mother. Everybody won't do the same tasks. Hang in there. Pray for strength 🙏

Yes, it's not only ok, but likely best for you, mom, and all the family.  It's not good for mom to be moving around from one home to another either; hard on anyone, especially older people.  Best to bite the bullet now, and make a move that she can live happily, safely for many years.

You're likely better off to sell her house, size her down, get a good RE agent as suggested here, and find a good assisted living home, hopefully, near more than 1 of you.  Find a home that will transition if she has other medical issues later, i.e., dementia, etc.  This way she's set in her own home, people to help her 24/7 with medical alert in place, and family to fill in the things she loves and/or needs, plus family visits.  Please don't let anyone deduct mom's home, medical care, etc. costs from whatever inheritance may be left you; you'll need it, too. 

Talk to an attorney about whether there's any way to afford the assisted living home you choose without going through all her home profits, so you'll have that for her other needs and wants through the years. 

Keizer,

You already know the answer to your question. Yes. It is ok. We all know in our heart of hearts what we can and cannot deal with. It sounds like you have already been through the ringer. Don’t feel guilty. That is Satan messing with you. Sounds like you are a hard worker and would be spent by the time you got home and would have to pay someone to take care of your mom during the day anyway. But if she is needy, clingy, and demanding, taking care of her after a hard days work would wear you out mentally and physically sooner rather than later.

No aging parent wants to go to assisted living or a nursing home, but it sounds like you and your siblings need to have a united front and find a place for mom. It is eventually going to be a necessity in the future anyway.

Take advice from a caregiver of over two and one half years, for a needy, clingy, controlling, demanding parent (that I love very much). I am very depressed, have gotten fat and unhealthy, have no life or friends, do not get to enjoy activities outside that I enjoy, feel trapped, and spend my life taking her to the doctor on a regular basis (my only outings), and dream every single day of packing my bags and driving off into the sunset. I am spent and can not see any bright future ahead for myself at this point. I will say that it would have been 100 times better if I had made mom move in with me instead of me giving up my home and moving into her home with her. That’s where my first mistake was, because then it’s HER home, HER things, HER way or the highway. I would have had so much more control over my own life if she had moved in with me. At least I think so. And I lost my job for taking off of work so much to take her to the doctor. I’m an only child. But that is neither here nor there now.

You need to take care of you. You don’t have to be a Martyr like me. You don’t have to be in my situation. You deserve a life too. You and your siblings need to place your mom in a good home where she can be taken care of 24/7 and you don’t have to worry about her.

Im sorry, I didn’t mean to make this post about me but thought it might help you not to feel so guilty about your feelings.

You state so clearly what you feel are your limitations regarding your mother's living situation. That is not selfish but admirable. You are not abandoning your mother. You simply want what is best for both of you. I could not live with my mother but I still provide for needs she has outside of the AL facility as well as am in frequent contact with her. You deserve to look out for your own emotional needs. This decision is truly better in the longterm for both of you. You will be a better son emotionally and realistically if you find a living situation that is suitable. In my present right mind I would never want to live with any of my children once I am older. I would like to be in close proximity to at least one of them but not under the same roof. You are making a decision that is based on a well thought out reality of what will benefit both of you. You will not be a better individual if you are emotionally compromised by a choice you know will not suit your well being.

If you already know you can't handle having mom move in with you, or it would be too much, on top of your son going to college and you working full time, then don't even consider it . Just tell her no. That you can't. Unless you pay someone to watch your mom while your at work, she's going to have to find someone else to live with, or look into other options if need be. Be sure to double check the prices, and if you can afford it, or if she can, if someone will get paid to watch her at home. Because, call me crazy, when I looked into companies, a lot of them were not cheap at all, so please rethink everything, and then sit down and have a talk with mom and your siblings . If she needs so much help, you might have to consider nursing home or assisted living . I know, no one wants to hear it, I hate it, I'm going through it right now. But if I could tell anyone one thing it would be this, look into ALL your options NOW ! Not later, now. The sooner the better. You don't want to wait till your literally running out of time, and you only have days, to weeks to decide where to put your mom . I wish you the best. Please keep us, updated.

Hi Keizer,

I think so many others have told you that it is fine to go with how you feel, that you don't even need my comment. But I will share it anyway.

My sister lives with my Mom and has for a long time, even before my Dad passed away twelve years ago. She is the most giving person I could ever imagine helping Mom. I have a high functioning adult daughter with special needs as well as her Dad, my husband, and there is no way my Mom would even feel comfortable with the thought of coming to live with us. And I have explained to her that I cannot come live with her or even be there more than one night as I must get my sleep to not have my own mental health issues as I must care for my own family. I really don't have diagnosis but just know that is the case. I know what I am saying sounds self-fish to some too, but I need to stay able myself to help my own family.

I am very sad that my younger sister who cares for Mom has had so many issues recently with facial skin cancer. I think the care giving role may be taking a big toll of my sister. Mom didn't like hired help coming in so that is not an option right now. Mom wants to stay in her own home which and rightly so. Mom worked many years to have her own home. Recently my awesome sister had multiple excisions on her face after her biopsy and still cancer cells remain and more surgery would disfigure her face per dermatologist. So they are proposing using some "cream" and no more surgery. Reading up on that "cream", the sample size is so small and the cohort group is 70 years plus. My sister is only 53!! ( I am the older sister!) I am not comfortable with that plan as she is my only sibling. Somehow I feel her having been Mom's caregiver has contributed her health issues and I probably am being selfish saying I cannot do what she does.

I am happy to assist my Mom and have recently for my sister to go to all her appointments. Mom has called me "bossy and controlling" and that I am. I cannot do "butt lifts" off chairs and now with my sister's issues, Mom knows this. And Mom helps get up now! But the minute my sister returns home, she requests the same "butt lift" assists from my sister who should not be lifting right now anyway!

So now I worry I probably will lose my Mom soon, but also my only sibling. But I will tell you that having Mom come live with me will not work. She hasn't come to my house for holidays or birthdays in over three years as she has worried about falling. (Fortunately she has never broken a single bone although she has fallen.) So it is best she stay in her own home. Like I said, I can help her for a decent amount of time. But after nine hours straight it just doesn't work for us. Plus my daughter needs my assistance to continue her courses at the junior college as classes just resumed for fall. My Mom taught her to read years ago and I thank Mom for that as it has let my daughter do things I would never have imagined! But I cannot be in multiple places at the same time. If I could, I would be with my daughter, Mom, and at work all at the same time. But that is not realistic even for someone like me who thinks they can multi-task just fine. In my "middle" age now, I have learned that I cannot.

So I think you are doing the correct thing to go with your instinct on how it feels to you. If it doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing, don't do it! Just explain to everyone involved how you feel. I had to explain here that I must sleep at night to keep myself able to function well for my family, daughter, and job although I am only working part time now. We can only help others when we are well ourselves. I hope this doesn't sound mean and self-fish to others. But it is what it is. Oddly enough, my Mom has become able to assist me in helping her stand up and we have had a pleasant eight hours a couple of times.

God's peace be with you and wishing you all the best.

Your sister said you all need to help out...period. If you are working full time and still have a son in college (at home), you wouldn't be able to provide caregiving anyway, so IF she were at your house - would you have to pay someone to stay with her, would all the siblings pay for her day care needs, or does she have the financial means to pay for this herself?

Tell sister you can help as work permits. There is all kinds of help to make things easier on your sister. You could take mom to dr appts or go sit with her when your sister needs to be away from the home. Perhaps you could go there for several days to help mom if sister leaves town, vacation, etc. Hire housekeeping service for the household, someone to bathe mom about 3 times a week, do mom's hair at the house, etc.

If sister wants everyone to help (and I don't blame her) - then figure out how you can help mom at sister's house. Other siblings can share in the help as well so that sister who has her FT does not burn out so quickly. It will actually be easier on mom if she can settle in one house and let the help go to her.

Yes, it is okay to have mom not move in with you.

Not having read the other answers, I am going to hope and guess that the others here feel your pain and appreciate your wise and insightful take on the situation. I know there is probably no desire to blame mom's for our own mental health status, but damn it, sometimes the reality is they DID contribute to how we are, for better, and sometimes for worse. It's so sad that many here have been so giving, so caring...so much of their lives for multiple people in their families...but you know your limitations. It's a sad situation, but my guess is that in the end you will only feel worse if you try to help...and then can no longer. It seems clear that your own well-being will be at risk if you try to help. Your instincts are telling you that. So I would also guess the best you can do is to be honest with all, as you have been with yourself. Do what you can to help mom and the others help find her a place to be, perhaps an assisted living or other senior housing that is subsidized. Maybe you can offer respite by giving your siblings a vacation or days off if she is that dependent on someone being there. Look into Caregiver Support Programs through your local office on aging. Depending on how they are set up there may be financial assistance enough to cover 24/7 care for a few days off at least. Do not feel guilty. Back to the analogy of being on a plane when the 02 masks drop: put your own on first and then help others. Sending hugs...

You had a feeling in your stomach...TRUST YOUR GUT!
You are wise to know your limitations--and you sound much more generous and helpful than most people--now accept that knowledge and enjoy the rest of your life. Best wishes.

Keiser--it shouldn't be just YOUR share of any inheritance that goes toward your mother's care in a facility or at home with hired home care. Her assets should be used as long as there are any. If there are assets left when she dies, they should be evenly divided among her heirs, including you. Your siblings are trying to "shame and guilt" you. Ignore them. Stick to what you know is right for your own sanity.

The short answer is YES. I'd suggest that you sort this out in therapy as guilt, overwhelm, and boundary setting are issues you need to deal with for your own physical and mental health. You need to first and foremost take care of you. If you do not do that, you likely will feel extremely resentful, angry and those feelings will be present with how you would relate and care for your mother. It is not an easy situation you are in so muster up your resources and support team. Ask yourself what quality of life you want and how you can participate in her care.

And continue to vent here. Perhaps get in a support group. Whatever you need to do to gain clarity and feel as okay as you can in a difficult situation requiring very difficult decisions. Know that you are NOT alone

Short answer - YES, it is ok to not want your Mom to move in with you! You know what you can handle and you also know that it will not get any easier over time. Take care of yourself and continue to help out as you can. Best wishes

After my dad died my mom went downhill. She had spent all her energy caring for my dad for 8 long years. She came to my house one day for a family get-together soon after, and when my sister was taking her home she just fell apart. She didn't want to go back to her empty home. So I told her to stay, which she did and that was over a year ago. We eventually had to build on to our house to accommodate her, and go through all that is involved in a person transitioning to a new life. My mom has regained all her energy and health as much as she can at her age. I have to say that it has been a tough year for my husband and me. My mom just turned 95 and I am so glad she's happy again and healthy. But it's been an infringement on our lifestyle and takes a lot of adjustment. I also have had to have a real talk with myself so I don't take all the responsibility and be intentional about getting my siblings to take on some of it like taking her to the doctor or caring for her when I travel.
What does the future hold? I don't know. My husband and I have been married for 40 years and raised 5 kids and now have grankids we enjoy. So after struggling with our relationship after taking on this extra burden, we decided we will continue our lifestyle as well as we can but not abandon my mom.
I also have had to have the conversation about financial help with my mom, and have had to be very honest with her about a lot of stuff and listen to her too. After all, she is in my home! We brought her stuff for her room which she can decorate as she wishes, but I won't feel guilty about wanting to continue doing things my way.
The truth is when things get difficult I have to remember what a wonderful mother she was and that I want to return the love she so selflessly gave to me and to our whole family.
I think we each have to decide what's best for our situation. I would never judge you for being straightforward about what you are able or not able to do. I'll be honest, after experiencing what I have, I might not be so quick to tell mom to stay! But what's done is done and God helps us to carry on.
God bless you!

Been there, and sympathize with your concerns. I dealt with elderly parents financial and medical needs until dad died 2 years ago. 90 yer old mom stayed on in big house until medical issues put her into hospital and rehab. I had her live with me for 6 weeks to monitor her health and we both recognized it was a bad idea to continue.

Problems included her mild cognitive issues, physical debilities, lack of space in my home for all her medical equipment, differences in routines and diet. I am neat and tidy, she is a clutterer wanting all her stuff visible. She has the tv on all day watching the news and old cowboy shows, I seldom turn it on. My home is small so there was no where to get away from her or the constant noise.

I was still working and was out of the house all day leaving her to sit alone 8-10 hrs a day. I was becoming her mother dealing with medications, laundry, cooking and cleaning, etc. .

I love my mom and she is sweet and not intentionally demanding but I know I do not have the patience to deal with her issues all day everyday. I have never had children but can imagine that the experience is similar, constantly having to watch over them and be worried.

My siblings are grateful to me that I took over this responsibility and will step in if asked. It was my intention to retire and enjoy a well earned rest that I have been working for for 50 years so I knew if her living with me became permanent I would be angry and resentful toward her.

So we found her a good Assisted Living place between my brother’s home and mine, we both visit weekly and take her on outings. I get to have quality time with her instead of being unhappy on a daily basis. She has made a few friends and is taking part in activities. It’s not perfect but let’s face it, she has had 92 years living on her own terms.

Good luck with finding a solution and don’t feel guilty about not wanting to take on the 24/7 responsibility of an elderly person. Not everyone is cut out to be that person.

Kaizer, when you sit down with your siblings to create a plan, gently (but firmly) remind them that you have made - and are currently making - huge contributions.

You were the primary for Dad’s care. Do not allow anyone to discount that because it was in the past..... or because your monumental effort looked simple and seamless to those with some distance from the nitty-gritty.

And now. You maintain Mom’s home. That is no small feat. (Outsourcing it would drain the family budget.) And the need for that upkeep will continue - whether Mom is in her own home, with a sib or in a care home.

Word to the wise: When it comes time to sell Mom’s home, do not “sell by owner.” Do not offer - or cave to pressure - to save a measly 6% by acting as a sh*thouse real estate agent.

Trust me on this.

Leave the barrage of calls, emails and texts to a professional.

Let the flakes, a**holes and no-shows waste someone else’s time - not yours.

Let someone WHOSE JOB IT IS slog away at the.... Appraisal. Marketing. Showings. Inspections. Municipal testing. Reams of paperwork.

Let someone WHOSE JOB IT IS assess every tire-kicker’s credit-worthiness.

I speak from experience.

I can tell that you - like me - are a pleaser with an overdeveloped sense of accountability.

When emotions are running high, we “pleasers” forget to protect ourselves. We identify with the fantasy of creating a good outcome.

We fail to recognize the price we pay to make things more convenient for others. Until we are frazzled beyond belief. Surrounded by smiling users who “don’t see what the big deal is.”

You are a fantastic son. Choosing to honor yourself does NOT contradict that. (((big hugs)))

Side issue: Have you and your Mom done any research on increasing her omega-3 fatty acids to treat rheumatoid arthritis symptoms -- krill oil, avocado oil, olive oil, etc.? I know it's hard when someone is resistant to change in their diet.

Go with your gut. Your wise to know your limits.
As a professional nurse care Manager in the past, you have to take care of yourself first before you can are for others effectively.
Perhaps a family meeting with your siblings would be beneficial for all. Ask what does your Mom really need to be safe, and have her needs met. Look into what community support is available for her and your siblings, there are a lot of programs out there that are not advertise by non profits or states.
My three siblings and I took on different tasks, like bill paying for one, medication set up for another, etc.
A big need she may have is companionship, so I'm a big fan of Adult "care" Centers. Some are Medical models and some are Socially inclined. Sometimes folks hesitate to get outside help due to cost while sitting on a next egg for that rainy day. Ask yourselves and Mom is this that rainy day.
Blessings.

What you posted says it all. Tell your family exactly what you posted. Never be guilted into something that your gut says something else. A mistake a lot of us make.

Get down on your needs and thank god for listening to your own personal gut instinct - that you have more than enough on your plate and given your mother's physical/mental states, it would be a horrible situation for you to allow her into your home. You have done far more of your share than most people and you have a son to help out. This is the time for you and your son to live life to the fullest and have a life. She had her turn. In many cases, older people's personalities change and they can become ugly, difficult and demanding and in the process destroy the lives of those around them. DO NOT ALLOW HER INTO YOUR HOME - IGNORE HER RANTS AND RAVES. DO NOT DO IT. Instead seek out a suitable living place for her where she has a caretaker or consider placing her. Please, please do NOT allow her in your home. You will never a minute's peace and you will go down hill fast, and your son too. Love her and care for her - but at a distance. Please, please protect yourself. Once she is there, you are stuck and may never be able to get her out again. Don't do it. - Never.

You are absolutely right not taking her in. You've done more than enough caregiving and have proven that you are reliable. There are always other alternatives whether she or your sister like them. Who has power of attorney for her? That usually helps determine who gets to make the decisions.
Speaking from experience, be honest about your feelings and needs. Offer what things you can do to help, maybe moving her, cleaning out the house, Financial assistance, finding a care service, grocery shopping or visits. But only take on what you can. Only you can protect you. And if you run yourself down physically or mentally, then you are NO good for anyone. BTW, get that 22 year old involved in Grandma's care and helping you out. He needs to learn the value of family support. Someday you'll want him to help you, and you need to be a good role model for him. Running yourself down is not a good role model. No one wants to sign up for that if they think that is the only way it works. It's all about balance and boundries! You can do this...you're strong and you've proven that. It's time to take care of you and NOT feel guilty or let others dictate your feelings! Best of luck and Blessings.

Your post doesn’t say who’s legally in charge, but it seems straight forward. Sell the house, put it in an interest bearing account, find a Assisted Living. Sister can have her life back, too. Your mom needs more care than she probably thought, too. End the shuffling around and give her her own place with round the clock aides.

Everyone here keeps saying she should not move in with you, but you have already decided that. The issue seems to be your guilt. I can tell you that at first I didn't understand my brother's non-involvement with our mother after our dad died (suicide). Brother will only handle the finances a bit and talk about our mom with me, help with decisions, and I'm fine with that now. I realized he could not be around her often after witnessing his anxiety when confronted with her memory issues. He simply cannot do it. You have already done care giving for your wife, so you know what it involves and you know you can't do it for your mom. It's great that you know that. And what you say about requiring alone time is very understandable. I too absolutely must have considerable alone time or I'm a wreck.

Good for you for recognizing your limits before putting yourself into a bad situation. I hope all the support you are getting from this forum will alleviate some of your anxiety about what you can or cannot do on your mother's behalf. Don't let siblings guilt you into anything that is bad for you.
And savor your alone time. I totally appreciate your need for privacy and calm.

Keizer - As many have told you, go with your feelings. I have been basically the sole caregiver for my Mom since my Dad died 15 years ago. What once was a great relationship has turned into very few words between us daily. She is 89, with multiple problems, RA being the main cause. The last 5-6 years have been so very draining on me. I work full time at a rather stressful job, then come home. I have 2 sons that I can’t get away to visit - one on each coast. I have 2 brothers who live out of town and cannot seem to help much. Please research caregiver burnout and anticipatory grief - both topics are so true for me. Then, after the anger, resentment, and anything else you are feeling, the guilt pops up. As much as you love them, watching the slow, painful decline of their lives and bodies is the worst of all. My Mom does not want to leave her home - I get that - but there will come a point when I will no longer be able to do this daily grind. Please take care of yourself and do what’s right for you and your son. Wishing you strength....

That's FINE.

It's also MUCH better than being unrealistic about it or, worse, fabricating reasons why it can't be done that lay the blame at somebody else's door. Just look around the forum to see how often that happens!

There are plenty of other ways that you can "pull together" with your siblings. Could you stand your mother if you were under your sister's roof for, say, an evening or a weekend every so often? - if so, then you could offer to "mother-sit" while your sister takes a break.

Or, you could offer to research respite care - strictly speaking, the bill for that should go to your mother; but if it would never happen or your mother doesn't have the money, perhaps you could bear some or all of the cost?

Just don't let your sister run away with the idea that you're not interested and not bothered. But recognising that you and your mother and one roof are a seriously bad formula - good for you. No one is to blame for that, and no one can or should try to blame you for that.

If you do not want someone, even your mom, to move in with you, do NOT do it. It does NOT make you a bad person, not at all. You're honest about your limitations, and that is a good thing.

Sounds like she'd be best off, as you said, in a permanent place of her own. Assisted living? Or if she needs more care, a SNH. Will your siblings get on board with this idea? I think it would be a win-win. Would you be willing to be in charge of the work of finding a place, etc.? Does anyone have POA or is mom able to make these decisions for herself? Time for a family meeting?

Well, I spent some time writing my sister a really long email and just sent it this morning. It outlined all the things I'm capable, and willing to do to help out with mom. I appreciate all those who responded to my thread. I actually feel wiped out and have a knot in my stomach since yesterday when I found out mom is coming back home. I really thought it was working in MN. I've come to the conclusion that its never a good idea to have an aging parent move in with you. Actually I don't think its a good idea to have any friend or family move in with you for any long period of time aging or not. My wife's gramma once said that house guests who out stay their welcome start to smell like bad fish.

You question should have been, what kind of help. Then your answer, this is what I can do. Then if sister gets uppity u remind her that you took care of ur wife, father and now are caring for Moms house. But that is hindsight.

Apologize to sister but set boundries. Tell her you are willing to do what you can but if taking Mom in, that won't happen. Your job is too physically demanding to come home and have to wait on someone hand and foot. You could spend a weekend so sister can get away.

I do think its time Mom makes a decision on her house. The money she uses for utilities, upkeep and taxes could go for her care. Sell her house. Make sure u get a good price in case Medicaid is needed in the future. Put the money in an interest bearing acct. I could then have a contract written up that Mom pay rent to ur sister. (Will need this for Medicaid) You nor your sister should be out of pocket. Moms SS and any pension should cover her expenses. Like prescriptions, supplimental insurance if on Medicare, special foods, clothing ect. I am big on if they have money, thats spent first before I spend mine.

My MIL was always crying poor to me. But, she could always buy a new purse and shoes. Said she had been wearing the same clothes for 20 yrs. Doubt that, she had lost 30lbs. Joined those CD, DVD and video clubs. Found lots of them never opened. Joined those figurine clubs. When she passed my BIL found she had $48,000 in CDs. He had given her money for a new pump because "she didn't have it". She tried to get it from my husband but he didn't take the bait.

Sell the house and find a nice AL for Mom using the proceeds.

Very good and honest answer.