PLACING MOM INTO ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY WITH MEMORY CARE AND PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR LEG/HIP BROKEN, FROM FALL, I'VE HEARD FROM OTHERS AS WELL AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE FACILITY TO LEAVE MOM AT FACILITY FOR A WEEK WITHOUT VISITS SO THAT SHE CAN GET USE TO THE PLACE, HOWEVER I THINK THIS MIGHT ENRAGE HER MORE, I'M AN ONLY CHILD , HER ONLY CHILD, IN WHICH GETS THE BLAME FOR EVERY AND ANYTHING POSSIBLE. HAVE OTHERS HEARD OF THIS SITUATION?
First, please don't type in all caps. It's hard to read and understand. (no judgment, just a comment)
You need to come back with some more information. Just, how old is mom? DO you normally care for her? IS this change new to her? Is she combative and scary?
A week seems excessive, but we don't know your mother. Talk to the NH director in person and ask straightforward if one or two VERY short visits will be OK. She's not in prison.
Sounds like the worst she could really do is yell at you...my mother threw a bedpan at me. (Plastic, empty, thank goodness)....
The "only child who gets blamed for everything".....nope, we've never heard of that....J/K....it's all over these boards.
Please just calm down. The facility is FOR people like your mom. If she is "raging" at the staff, they will likely sedate her, mildly, so she can be moved and such. This is not their first rodeo.
I would think that the NH just wants her to settle into a routine w/o "meddling" family members micromanaging the care. I doubt it's personal to you--so ask someone if you can still visit, but make them short and sweet and get out. She will acclimate faster if not being fussed at.
Do come back, if only for moral support.
I didn't follow this procedure with my Mom and don't think I interfered by visiting in the beginning. I guess it's all individual. Use your own gut instinct about this is my advice.
You need to remember that you matter too. How you feel. What you have been through and are going through is just as important as what your mom is going through. Deep breath. Check in with yourself.
If you are truly terrified then it's for sure time to take a step back. Find someone who can go in your place to check on things and make sure your mom is okay and has what she needs for her therapy. And then take a break. Get some rest. Whatever you do, do not spend all your time with your mom. Allow her time to settle in and have her needs addressed. She is there for therapy. Therapy is hard work.
Take this time to get therapy for yourself. It can make all the difference for you and mom. You might send mom a card and let her know you are thinking of her and will see her soon. But take care of yourself.
Calm down. Eat healthy. Take walks. If you still feel terrified then it's too soon to go see her.
Why are you worried about being blamed?
You have done nothing but follow drs orders. Right ?
Did you break your moms leg?
This is what happens to everyone when a bone breaks if they get care.
Think a little more of yourself.
How dare she be angry. My mother had a saying. She can get glad the same way she got mad.
You are not her personal servant.
What is she going to do? Spank you?
If her temper is as bad as you write then she will probably have a stroke soon. Will that be your fault too?? What made you so powerful?
And what are your options ? What can you do besides take her for care? If you go back and she is ugly you need to walk out and do not come back until she can behave. She needs to be worried about you being angry.
And know this, there is often only one taking care of an elder regardless of how many siblings there are in the family. Don't take that as an extra burden. Straighten up and fly right. You need to care for yourself a little better to get through this. Hugs
There's a new you I bet with some rest and time to take a breath.
I know its hard to see your mom in a nursing home. It is a stressful time. Do what you feel is best for you. If you want to see her, then go see her. If you want to give it even an day or two than do so. If you still have a lot anxiety or guilt, consider talking to social worker, therapist or counsellor or joining a support group.
Not seeing her only child might make her feel abandoned.
I honestly feel repulsed and disgusted by the suggestion by the director that you stay away for a week. I do understand that that might be necessary in memory care, but not combined with post fall recovery.
Recovery from a fall is a time when family especially need to be there to provide support. Suddenly she's lost her independence and is reliant on others, and she'll feel alone at night or when someone she doesn't know takes her to a shower and disrobes her.
There's another issue and that is that PT and OT are going to exhaust her. She'll become disoriented, fatigued, feeling abandoned and I can't see how this could possibly be beneficial.
And yet another critical issue is that she will need someone to interface with staff for her, to ensure that she's helped with meals if she needs that assistance, that she's able to get to the bathroom timely, to ensure that her meds are proper, that she gets extra blankets if she needs them, and that she stays warm and comfortable. And these are all important issues.
I've found that rehab facilities typically add unnecessary meds, such as anti-diarrheal or even laxative meds, anti-reflux meds, and sometimes psychotropics. One of the first things that I would do if I were you is to ask for a list of the meds they're giving her, and be prepared to argue your case on why she might not need all that extra medicine.
but it sounds like and I've witnessed w/my mom that they are both going to get along well in their new surroundings from terrified
Anyway, when I walked in last night I saw her in the common area, she was leaning her head on this lady's shoulder and the napping. When she opened her eyes and saw me she looked like she couldn't believe it was me standing there. Then she sat up and started making these noises like she was sobbing, but there were no tears. I decided to take her to her room because the others were trying to watch TV. She sat in her favorite chair that I had brought when she moved in and she just kept begging me to get her out of there. I calmed her down and then she seemed okay, but she told me that she felt so alone and that there was nothing to do. I encouraged her to keep going out to the common area and get to know the others. She said she didn't know how to do that, so I had to explain the introduction process to her. The problem is that she's very shy until she gets to know someone. I also asked her to check out the activities, but maybe it's too soon for that. I stayed for an hour and when I left, I took her back out to the common area, as I don't want her to stay in room all the time. She seemed just "ok" and I hated to leave. I know that seeing me upset her so I guess I may have to stay away again for a few days. It's heart breaking because she can't remember anything and doesn't know why she is there. I'm sure that she will eventually get used to things.
You sound sooo much better and I'm glad your mom is better too!
Thanks for keeping us up to date.