Is it normal to feel offended when the parent you take care of views you as his/her hero?

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Is it normal to feel offended when the parent you take care of views you as his/her hero?

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I'll be the first to say it. I shouldn't feel this way. I really shouldn't.

Having said that, is it normal to feel that way after being the caregiver for so long, giving up almost everything, getting very little help or rest, and you're beyond ready to kick caregiving to the curb? Or is it a sign that I've been right all along about not being cut out for caregiving duties and someone else should've been chosen when the caregiving first started?

Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships

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I want you to Google F.O.G.- Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You need to learn to say "no mom, I can't bring you that food. It's not healthy".

"No mom, you are going to need to learn to get out of bed by yourself or bring in help".

"No, Mom, I can't turn the heater on. It's not healthy to be in a room this warm. Here's a sweater."

Start cutting WAY back on what you do.

1. Call the Area Agency on Aging and get a needs assessment.

2. Get mom to the doctor and ask for OT, PT, home health and a shower aide.

3. Start looking at Nursing Homes or Assisted Living facilities, whatever is recommended by the doctor and AAA.

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It's not her wanting the heater on. It's her not wanting to turn it down while there's still a chance for cooler temperatures.

Stuff like this is why I wish she taught me to stand up for myself. No one ever taught me how to stand up for myself. She believes that standing up for yourself is something you learn on your own. Either she really believes that or she used that as an excuse not to do that and I almost feel like its the latter. I feel like she did that in order to keep me from rebelling.

Extra help is needed, but because of her being afraid of getting Covid and having her things stolen, she won't get the extra help. For the last few showers of hers, I wish she would get someone else. I haven't seen anything private at any point, but I've have to hold the shower head for her before putting it in it's spot. I've also had to help get her gown on after her shower. I would have to help pull it down and sometimes get one of her arms through the sleeves.

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It's even more difficult when they view your partner as the hero!

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for my mom, it's her 'friend' former housecleaner" who is paid for 2 4 hour shifts weekly. (shower, tidy up, out to lunch, salon for manicure, etc.) Mom sings her praises every day I see here, does the same to my sister on the other days of the week. Mom get 3-5 hours of 1:1 personal attention from one of her daughters on 5 days of the week, and manages safety check, evening med, and evening meal on the 2 'friend' days.

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As we often say in my local caregivers support group, "there's only one Savior and it's not you,"(or any of us)so please start taking care of yourself and start looking for what is now best not only for your parent, but also for yourself.
Not all of us are cut out to be caregivers and that's ok. That's why there's many choices for in-home care(from outside providers)and many choices when it comes to placing out loved ones in the appropriate facility.
I wish you health and happiness as you now put yourself first.

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That's one of the things I've wanted to tell her. One friend who tried to offer advise years ago told me I had become my mom's god. She was right then and even more right today.

I just wish she would put more faith in God than in me. I'm not God and I can't do everything. If I could, this mess would've ended a long time ago.

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You are burnt out - plain and simple. Nobody can caregive without help or respite. The offense your feel is a sign that you have struggled too long without a break. Reevaluate what would need to change in order for your to continue being a caregiver. Find volunteers - family, friends, members of faith community... - and paid help. Line them up to take tasks off your shoulders and give you free time - daily and weekly. If you can not gather enough help, it might be time to turn to other caregiving options.

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"Hero" can certainly be a trap. Others use it to indicate there is something special about you that makes you such a good caregiver - with the implication that they lack this special quality so therefore can't be expected to do anything.
Your mom will increase the compliments any time she senses that you are thinking about setting limits or making changes.
My suggestion would be to start seeing a therapist with experience in caregiving who can help you choose what you want to say and practice role playing it...sets the words so when mom balks/cries/love shames you, you won't be sucked right in.
Look into hiring a caregiver for 4 hours 2x/week. And leave the house. Be available by phone, but make it clear to your mother that you will return at the appointed time. If she refuses to let caregiver help her, she can just wait until you return.
If she is rude to the caregiver, tell her you will try once more, with a different caregiver.
If that doesn't work out either, then you will find her a place at a nice care home and will visit her a couple of times weekly.
You need to have your own adult life - how the heck can you get a haircut or medical or dental care or an uninterrupted cup of coffee? And it's ok to tell her that.

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very wise advice, Claires.

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I think most of us who don't like these words of praise from our family member we take care of is because we aren't doing it necessarily because we want to, but because we have to..... and we resent it. So, we definitely don't want praise. I wish I felt differently about the caregiving, but I don't.

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I get you. I went 50 years without my mother's approval. Since i (stupidly) let her move in over a year ago, now all of a sudden it's "What would I do w/o you" "You'll never know how much I appreciate you" "It's amazing to see how much you do" and my favorite, " I never knew you were such a good person"! It makes me sick to my stomach.

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Although I admire you for not wanting to accept praise and not allowing it to inflate your ego. Isn't your loved one just thanking you for helping them. At least, they have the common sense to finally come to terms with appreciating those that are kind to them.

I have the opposite experience. I stupidly allowed my mother to move into my home 3 years ago. I receive nothing but, "You do nothing for me". "I hope your brother kills you". "You don't help me". These are comments that are ill placed. This is based on her logic that despite me bathing her, washing her clothes, grooming her, cooking for her, providing for her essentials (clothes food) of which she can not afford, providing for caregivers to come in daily to help her while I work......somehow, I am the enemy. She finds ways to insult me. She always has as a child and was so relieved when I left her home at 17.

To this degree, I must say, don't let the thanks inflate your ego. However, appreciate the fact that this person has turned over a new leaf, is intellectually aware of her advocates and can say thank you your sacrifices.

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Agree with Derambler.
My Mom does the same thing. Praises me to everyone and tells me she can't do without me. And flatters me. I have realized that she is manipulating me so that I won't leave as her carer. My 2 siblings won't care for her 24/7 like I do.

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And don't worry about a career and about finding a girl. Thirty years isn't at all too late to find a good wife. And especially you, who gave away your prime years, [willingly or unwillingly-it doesn't matter here] to help your mom, God will not forsake you. I'm sure that you'll be blessed with luck in your every endeavor. Because God repays to anyone who helps out their parents in a special way. And you sacrificed A LOT for your mother's sake, so you fit the criteria.

Wishing you a happy life, Belle

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God really may not play a hand in helping find a mate or living a life after caregiving. Know two people who stayed home to caregive both are older with no real assests, no mate (no one wants to hook up with a tired, broke 60 something).

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Poor Blickbob. After reading all your responses, I got a better picture of what's going on. If I would be you, I would also want to slap the hero cape on someone else.

And perhaps you could? I would suggest you read the answers of "Feeling Guilty". That guy is in a very similar situation then you, and there is a lot of helpful advice over there.

Hope you find the perfect way and strength to tackle this problem very soon!

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blickbob, tell your mother that being her hero for the last __ years has taken a toll on you, has exhausted you, has drained you of your strength. In other word, "mom, I am tired of being a hero, I need a break, I need help, I need you to be a hero instead. If I don't get help, I am going to explode."

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Grr... I just cringe inside when I hear:

You're my hero.
You're a saint.
I'm so lucky to have you.
Your mother/father/LO is so lucky to have you.
You're so lucky your mom/dad/LO is still alive (with dementia).

blickbob, what you're feeling is actually normal. Don't feel bad or ashamed for having that normal feeling. I totally get it.

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I'm thinking of "love bombing" when I read this. Specifically, attempting to influence a person by giving them attention and affection. I have an aunt who did this to me for years:
*You're the only one I can TRUST
*You're the only one who UNDERSTANDS
*No one CARES the way you do
*WHAT would I do without YOU
*You're always THERE for ME
*You're ALL I've got
*You're such a SPECIAL person
*You're such a GOOD listener

Sounds innocent enough, but it actually became quite abusive and frightening over time as her demands on me increased, the yelling also increased, and she dropped her filter (which allowed me to see what I was being sucked into). I bristle at anything anyone says about me being just SO great. However much time I have left here on Earth I will always have that lingering fear that someone is trying to "love" me into submission.

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That almost sounds like my mom. The praises are legitimate and she does tell people how much of a blessing I am and tells me she appreciates what I do, but some of the sayings are used in a way to keep me around.

A few years before the caregiving duties went up, I was wanting to go out of state during New Years for a few days and she tried to talk me out of it. She almost succeeded. One of the lines was "I need you around a little longer." I was involved with one of the campus ministry groups at my college and she also said "you're MY campus ministry." She was emotional when she said those two lines.

This was late 2013. I was in college at the time. I was a fully grown adult and I was old enough to drink. She was afraid something bad would happen to me. Ultimately, nothing bad happened at all.

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If your mother is “working me to death and refusing to get extra help because of her paranoia regarding Covid and getting robbed”, just stop. You can’t be forced to do this. It isn’t mother’s choice to refuse other help and demand it all from you. If you stop, it will take about 24 hours for her to realise this. She won’t starve to death or die of infection in 24 hours.

If you are as fed up as you sound, stop being bossed around by paranoia. You are clearly a good man, but being too good doesn’t help you – and it increases her dependence on you. Stand up for yourself! Deb Ambler says “I feel the leash tightening around my neck”. The leash around your neck could slowly choke you.

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She won't die of infection, but she can't get out of bed by herself and I have to be her hands and feet. I'm the one she leans on to lift her on and off her bed, potty chair, shower chair, wheelchair, and car seat. I have to bring her her pills, food, and drinks.

A part of me wants to tell her to get extra help and at the very least, take some of the load off of me. Ultimately, knowing her, I know what the answer will be and it won't be in my favor.

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I see the shape of a plan..

"I just want to be a normal person".

Yup. I get that. Fair enough. Do you live together?

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Yes

That's been the case since I graduated college. I turn 30 later this year.

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blickbob: While it's nice to receive a compliment, most caregivers find the words "You're a saint" trite.

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Resentment is your cancer.

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what a wise warning.
i'll keep it in mind!!

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As long as you are doing what you believe is right it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If it makes the person you are helping feels better about themselves just consider it part of your assistance to them and know that is just like anything else you do to help them, Unless, of course they are just trying to get you to more than you feel able to do. After all, you are just trying to be helpful

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I get it.

Every time my Uncle sings my praises to me and everyone else, I feel the leash tightening around my neck for the following reasons:
-He can’t live without me
-I’m the only one who can help him
-because I’m so great he doesn’t need anyone else to help
-It tells everyone else he’s doing great and we’re happy as clams
-He’s pacifying me so he can be in control of the me and do NOTHING to cooperate with his care. Classic Narcissistic Misogynist.

However, not everyone is as calculating, manipulative and passive aggressive as he is.

I gave care to my parents, two brothers and my uncle’s wife who have all passed in the last 10 years. His wife, my Aunt (my mother’s side) three years ago when he captured me. When they all thanked me for being there for them I only wished they didn’t have to. When he goes on about how great I am I feel suffocated. It’s almost like the three bites of a vampire to make me his.

Being called a ‘hero’ by SOME
seems intended to put higher level of expectations and commitment on the caregiver. In my Uncle’s case it has proven to be pure manipulation of my good nature.

This may not be very helpful but taking the time to examine what’s going on in my life and expressing these feelings has been for me.

Bless you all ❤️

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i understand you!!

"Being called a ‘hero’"
"Uncle’s case it has proven to be pure manipulation of my good nature."

hug!!

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It's like being called a 'saint' by a family member when we know darn well we are NOT a 'saint' b/c we certainly don't FEEL saintly for being cast into this role of being a caregiver. We feel angry & resentful, we yell or lose our cool when we probably shouldn't, yet here's these people calling us SAINTS when we know better. You are being called a hero when maybe you don't feel like a hero, deep down inside. I get it.

Considering you a 'hero' also obligates you to KEEP on BEING a hero because hey, if you give up and stop the caregiving gig, then you're no longer a 'hero', are you? Being assigned a label such as that does serve a purpose, you know. Wink wink. Make no mistake.

In my humble opinion blickbob, it's time for you to resign your role as a Hero now & look into alternative care options for your parent. It's okay to now take on the role of Son and get rid of the obligations that are now threatening to overwhelm you. Enough is enough.

There is nothing wrong with, and no shame in, crying uncle. And letting your parent go into Assisted Living or another type of managed care option. I honestly feel like my mother lived as long as she did precisely BECAUSE she had the great care and socialization she was offered in Assisted Living and Memory Care later on.

Wishing you the best of luck thinking about YOUR life now. You deserve to.

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You sound like you have caregiver burnout. Try to arrange things so that you get some help and breaks. Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you on your options and those of your parent who you are caring for. Your parent might be eligible for aides paid for by Medicare. You might be eligible to be paid as a caregiver. Also look into options such as your parent moving to assisted living, if you really can't go on. A lot will depend on your parent's finances. Try to balance your caregiving with some you-time to do things that you enjoy, see friends and family, or further your career, if you have one. All the best to you both.

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So you get offended because all your patient can do to show their appreciation is call you their hero? If something as simple and sweet as that tells me you are burned out and need to step back. You are no longer doing this because you want to. You're resentment has built up to the point where even a compliment has offended you. Again, you need to step back and get some rest.

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HI! Surely Debambler’s post explains to you that a compliment may not be ‘simple and sweet’ - in fact it can be highly manipulative. And saying to virtually any carer that “you need to step back and get some rest” is almost as bad – like it’s your own fault that you feel overworked and overstressed.

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Is "offending" the word you really want. Generally we take offense when someone criticizes us. Not when someone praises us. Praise may make us ANGRY as we may feel we are doing something because we feel forced to, not because we want to.
If you feel angry, feel you are being forced to give up your life for your parent, I would see a counselor to iron out my feelings, my thought for the future, and possible long term care placement so I could live my life. You do seem to be questioning whether you wish to CONTINUE to do this demanding care. We all have our limitations. I could never have done it for a day. So I never considered trying. And I was a nurse who loved her job.
Best wishes ironing out how you really feel, and what you need to do about it.

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not every hero is wearing a cape.
:)

you know what?...i think we should all turn up to our LOs, with a cape!!
i'm totally doing it.

i'll see my LOs soon, and wear a cape throughout my journey (car, etc.), to my LOs' house.

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I’ll wear my Underdog cape.
:)

Poodle

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Your feelings are your feelings nothing “wrong” about what you are feeling but feelings can also change, they are based on gut reaction, experience and information. My first reaction to your question is confusion, why do you feel offended by a compliment? What I read and receive as a compliment anyway. Based on your description about all you have done and the toll it’s taken, is taking on you I would be calling you my hero too in her place!

Its so much harder as a caregiver to feel unappreciated or taken for granted So no, not wrong but maybe some reflection about why it either doesn’t feel complimentary or why you are uncomfortable accepting compliments.

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I don't want to be a hero. To anyone.

I just want to be a normal person. Caregiving has destroyed my life.

I'm not a hero. I'm not Superman. I'm not Batman. I'm just a man. A man that's tired and overworked. Her working me to death and refusing to get extra help because of her paranoid regarding Covid and getting robbed shows a lack of appreciation.

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Don't be offended. I've been taking care of my 86 year old father for 2 years, with no help from my siblings. Yes, I do it all alone. Dad didn't ask me to help, I just did it. Dr.s appointments, bills, wound care, showers, sickness, surgeries, and I did it all working and taking care of my own life too.

There were days that I'd cry all day out of sheer exhaustion from no sleep and no help from anyone and was at the end of my rope, but you know what? I'll help until it reaches a point to where I can't do it anymore.

He's always telling me I'm his hero. It makes him smile and he does appreciate all that I do for him. I am here for him and always will be. So, if he wants me to be his hero, I'm proud of that. And I'm also proud that he was my hero when he raised me thru childhood and was always there in my adult life when I was in need of help. So, I tell him that he's always been my hero, for 86 years years now.

You only get one chance to be a hero, so wear it well my friend.
Enjoy being a hero to your parent, there will be a point to when you'd give anything to hear those words again.

Best wishes
My dads' Hero.

I

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hug!!!

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Does it matter, ultimately? You’re in the same caretaking position either way. That isn’t going to change.

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It's Friday night here. OK by me to pour emotions out.

My next impressions are you are a little caught in 'black & white' thinking. Like I'm a hero vs I'm useless.

Caregiving (like life in general) is so so many shades of grey!

No-one is a perfect caregiver. What's a hero anyway?
The dictionary defines "hero" as "a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his or her brave deeds and noble qualities."

If your Mother thinks you are a hero, wear that cape with honor. She means she loves you & thanks you ❤️

Or is the term 'hero' being looped around your neck as a device to keep you as her servant...

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It's more like a cape of disgrace. There's nothing positive about caregiving. Absolutely nothing. It sucks. Plain and simple. All my peers around farther ahead of me in life and I've been left behind in the dust.

I just want to be a normal person. That's it. I don't want to help my mom 24/7 anymore. I want to slap the hero cape onto someone else and let her work someone else to death for a while.

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I'll be the first to say THIS: feel however you feel! They are your feelings, unique to your human existance. They are yours. They are valid.

I haven't even read past that line, sorry. Will cont...

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You're just so right! Perhaps this pattern of thinking might be OCD?
And a word to blickbob: If your parent is calling you "hero" then you're doing something right. Be proud of yourself.

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Is it normal to feel offended when the parent you take care of views you as his/her hero?

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