My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.
We visit often, we take her home for the weekends and holidays. When we go on vacations we take her. Now we know things will not always work like this but we make do with the time we have. We come by regularly to give her a bath, sing songs we brought her guitar and we play together. We made her room as close as we could to her apartments old room.
How I get through it, no matter how bad things may get my mom never gave up on us, and we will not do the same. Find the good moments when you can, and understand you are doing what is best for her , but at the sametime she does not have to be alone through it.
You are a good caring daughter! You are giving her love, comfort, and safety just as she did for you when you were young!
Sending hugs your way!
My sisters and I grew up and spent our teenage years into adulthood helping my dad with caring for our mom but we all moved out to go to school or work, marriage.
In February of 2021 my dad had a stroke and was going to be needing help as well. My sisters and I all stepped up to care for both of them with the help of a live in caregiver which ate away all our savings. Not complaining about that. That’s just what happened.
Everything was going ok. My dad got well enough to the point where we didn’t need the live in help so we got some help from IHSS about 124 hrs a month.
then my mom had a bad fall in the early morning and broke her hip. This happened in October of 2021. She has been in the nursing home ever since.
I always thought we could take care of her at home but after that fall, we knew that she would require more help than what we could give at home. We visit her all the time. She really is being well taken care of. I just wish We had unlimited funds to get someone to be with her at home but we don’t.
The tears are rolling down my face as I’m typing this.
I’m going to see her today.
I love her with all my heart as you love your mama❤️
I visit her weekly( I live over 100 miles away)
I bring her yummy food and take her out every time I visit.
You have done what you can for her and it is hard to let go but there comes a time when it is unsafe to keep them home.
This fall that broke my mother’s hip happened on our watch at 4 am.
Please give yourself a break. It is the right thing to place her in 24 hr care. The staff will be there for her at all hours of day and night. They will keep her safe. Visit her as much as you can. I unfortunately live far but if I lived closer I would be visiting much more often than 2x a week.
The best to you and your mama.💖
At a point your very best and all your time and energy is not enough for their care. My dad passed in 2020 at his home with caregivers and hospice. Many hospitalizations, surgery & rehab proceeded his death. Mom followed him in 2022 but passed on day 2 in a very nice nursing home. She had become bedridden and had dementia. At present I am helping take care of husband's 94 year old aunt. She has 24/7 care and now hospice.
All this has taken a terrible toll on my health, stroke & heart surgery in 2022.
My sister has long haul covid after effects and many health issues she will have her entire life. Two other siblings are estranged and never even called.
Thankfully my husband has his only brother & wife very actively helping with Aunt.
One day at a time and just do what you can. Please take care of yourself.
You are not responsible for taking away your mother's independence and betraying her, so don't accept false guilt. Your mother's age, frailty and physical limitations are what has taken away her independence.
Don't be taken by surprise that you're upset and stressed, because it comes with the territory. It's hard to watch, it's hard to make decisions, it's hard to care for someone who can't care for themselves, it's hard to process.
It's the hardest job we never wanted.
Your mother's care and safety are what is important - not necessarily where she receives it. You're doing what's right for her.
Peace and blessings.
You are making sure Mom gets the care she needs. You are a caring person . That is not a betrayal.
It is extremely difficult to make these decisions when necessary - for the welfare and safety of the loved one. It is a major life transition.
Feel as you feel. Allow your feelings to come up and out. Cry as you also acknowledge the love inside you for doing what is for her best interest. What you are doing is loving her.
Watching / observing a loved one slowly - or not so slowly - decline is difficult. We want the / our parent to be as they were. We do not want them to decline / die. This is human nature. As declining is.
Be present and love her as you are and can.
There is ABSOLUTELY nothing 'wrong' with you. You hurt, you love her. This is normal. You do not want her to suffer.
Gena / Touch Matters
He is better off where he is, he is getting better care than his daughters could give. He actually is doing better than he was his last year at home.
I am still managing my mother’s in home care and working on placing her there as well. No guilt about this either.
I know it is hard but try not to get too emotional about it. It doesn’t help. I’ve done what I’ve done out of love for my parents and I am sure you are too.
You being stressed out of your mind won’t do anything for your mother. Nobody could give that kind of care 24/7. Her being taken care of properly and you living your life as her daughter and advocate will help make her remaining years as good as they can be. Please, take care of yourself and her, as you know you should.
It turned out to be far better than I ever imagined. All the daily therapy, activities, and social stimulation has allowed him to regain strength and now he has a much better quality life. A lot better than laying in bed all alone!
I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me, 'how is arranging care NOT caring for your mom?'
We all feel this weight like it's our responsibility when it is actually help and assistance, and acting responsibly. Especially when you have secured finances, safety, security, medication, medical care... How is that a betrayal.
A betrayal would be like, I don't know, dumping her on a curb and saying "who are you?" Arranging OUTSIDE care is not a betrayal. It. Is. Still. Care.
Right now what you can do is make sure the facility is looking after her carefully and properly. That's the important part. Is it up to you to 24/7 your mom? No. Keeping your own mind, heart, and health intact, while overseeing the same for your mom is not betrayal, it is care. And if said facility sadly falls below that standard, you do like we all do and move on to the next that will better oversee her.
I have a mom that at any given minute would be worthy of walking away from, as many of us on this forum have. But the fact that you have a plan in place? How is that betrayal. "Hey mom, I looked out for you." Whisper that every day. Then ask yourself if you betrayed her.
Because you have not.
Bless you! I understand! I know that my dad will eventually need assisted living but I do feel guilty. But.. I feel better about it after posting here. I got some great responses! As you said , it is for her safety and if you are like me, you can not be there 24/7.
My mother was being cared for at home and was suffering as no one was capable of providing her the level of care she needed. Placing her in a facility was the best thing we could have done for her. Her health has drastically improved, and she is happy as she is getting more socialization.
I am grateful every day that my mother is in a facility, and I can care for my own kids, have a career, travel and enjoy life. Not all facilities are bad and if your mother needs a high level on hands on care, will be the best place for her.
Please don’t question your decision to place your mom. You absolutely made the best choice for her. You’re being responsible!
I truly admire you for knowing your limitations instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits.
I wish I would have been able to see things as clearly as you have. I was one who continued to push myself way past my limits. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. I ended up in therapy.
Thank God, I had a great therapist who worked with me and helped me to realize that I didn’t have to be superwoman!
Watching our parents lose the life they knew, we knew, is very sad and worth mourning. BUT, be as positive and upbeat about how much it is the right thing around your mom as possible. If you show any hesitation, it will give her an opening to work on you being her 24/7 caregiver or it will create fear for her, neither one is going to be helpful for the move.
You got this. You know in your head and heart that she now needs a village and you are ensuring that she has one. That is the most loving thing you can do for her.
I would encourage you to be her tour guide, meaning, join her for events, help her meet new people and meet them yourself. Homemade sweets are a HUGE icebreaker. I loved this time of year, I could do yummy fruit based deserts and not feel bad about jacking anyone up on sugar :-).
You will be her advocate and her daughter and that will be more beneficial for her then killing yourself to keep her home.
Great big warm hug! I found placing my dad to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, time does make it easier.
Do not feel any remorse. You are doing the the best thing for her. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to get this done.
Now you can return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.
You have shown her that you care by placing her in a facility where her needs will be met.
You can help by being a wonderful advocate and oversee her care.
You are not betraying her. You are saving her from more falls, falls that could possibly really cripple her.
Don't beat yourself up about this. You are doing the right thing.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. You are human and have limitations and cannot be a 24/7 chief cook, bottlewasher, nurse, doctor for your Mom. We have seen people here get strokes from this. We have seen them have breakdowns.
You have done what you can. You have told her you are sorry and cannot go on and you love her I would bet, and she has told you it is OK, which will hurt you even more to your core. Anger is always easier because it gives you something to think about other than to stand witness to the awful --the DREADFUL pain and loss upon loss upon loss.
You are grieving. What kind of person would you be if you couldn't grief this loss. And is it not worth your Mom's tears, all she must go through, whether you stand witness to it 24/7 or not. And to know she is a burden to her beloved daughter, because the honest truth is (I am 81 and know) that's what we become, no matter our good intentions.
I am so sorry. There is no way round this grief but moving through it. Remember, guilt belongs to felons and they NEVER feel it. Just love your mom. Just love her. And please love yourself and accept that you are not god, you are not even a Saint. It's a bad job description anyway, I always say. It's a kind of hubris to think we can be perfect. We can't. We are human beings.
My heart goes out to you.