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My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.

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It is not over if you have placed her. When our family made the choice to place mom after she nearly burned down her apartment we all just made a promise we would still be in her life.

We visit often, we take her home for the weekends and holidays. When we go on vacations we take her. Now we know things will not always work like this but we make do with the time we have. We come by regularly to give her a bath, sing songs we brought her guitar and we play together. We made her room as close as we could to her apartments old room.

How I get through it, no matter how bad things may get my mom never gave up on us, and we will not do the same. Find the good moments when you can, and understand you are doing what is best for her , but at the sametime she does not have to be alone through it.
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AlvaDeer gave me some great advice that you need to rethink your g words. It's not guilt but grief. I am grieving my mom (the mom I knew and loved and let's face it fought with). She is still there in bits and pieces but her body is failing her and basically turning against her. I am doing all I can to ensure her safety and care for her, but we take everything day by day.

You are a good caring daughter! You are giving her love, comfort, and safety just as she did for you when you were young!
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My mother had been living alone, underutilizing the care agency I’d engaged for her, and falling for 17 years. She finally fell 3x in a row and the hospital finally did not release her home She went to rehab, and I ( I am 400+ miles away) activated her LTC policy, without her agreeing . I helped set her up there, but cried every day, and felt guilty. It is a heart wrenching experience for us all, I think. Mom had been there 2 years now. She is wheelchair bound, and safe. Things get better, the sadness and guilt level out with time…. Take Care…..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
That has to be hard to manage things from afar, but you got it done!

Sending hugs your way!
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You are not taking away your mom's independence, longevity and ill-health did that. All you are doing is making certain she is safe and comfortable. Your mom is lucky to have you looking out for her best interests. If you feel guilty about that, then we need to have a conversation!
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My mother is not in a nursing home, but she is in a nice assisted living. But she's there reluctantly. She has guilt us for the whole month that she's been there. However, a couple of weeks ago she fell in the AL. She didn't fall hard, but slide and ended up on the floor and couldn't get up. The aide was making her rounds and heard, "Help me! Help me!" That's when they found her. I had never been more thankful that I had her there than in that moment. She forgot that she had the button around her neck to push for help, but because of their normal rounds they found her. Now, if she would have been at home, she would have laid there for hours. She would have been there long enough to be dead or her muscles breaking down and kidney failure starting. I know this because it's happened so many times before. Does it suck that she fell in AL? Yes. They will still fall. The difference is more people around to have eyes on them. I'm sorry that this is not what she wanted. But I'm also sorry that she never planned for this scenario either and just "hoped she would die of a heart attack in her sleep".
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DesertRose7: You are feeling grief because you are human. The early morning hour of 1 A.M. when I left my mother in the nursing home was devastating to me as I had to go home (that wasn't my home) to an empty house many states away from mine. There is nothing wrong with you.
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It is not you, but rather her body that has betrayed her.
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I totally understand and completely empathize with your feelings of guilt and betrayal. My mother was placed in a rehab/ nursing home. My mother had been disabled for many years due to an aneurysm and stroke. My dad and my sisters, we took care of her for years. She had fallen a few times here and there. That usually happened in the dead of night or early morning.
My sisters and I grew up and spent our teenage years into adulthood helping my dad with caring for our mom but we all moved out to go to school or work, marriage.
In February of 2021 my dad had a stroke and was going to be needing help as well. My sisters and I all stepped up to care for both of them with the help of a live in caregiver which ate away all our savings. Not complaining about that. That’s just what happened.
Everything was going ok. My dad got well enough to the point where we didn’t need the live in help so we got some help from IHSS about 124 hrs a month.
then my mom had a bad fall in the early morning and broke her hip. This happened in October of 2021. She has been in the nursing home ever since.
I always thought we could take care of her at home but after that fall, we knew that she would require more help than what we could give at home. We visit her all the time. She really is being well taken care of. I just wish We had unlimited funds to get someone to be with her at home but we don’t.
The tears are rolling down my face as I’m typing this.
I’m going to see her today.
I love her with all my heart as you love your mama❤️
I visit her weekly( I live over 100 miles away)
I bring her yummy food and take her out every time I visit.
You have done what you can for her and it is hard to let go but there comes a time when it is unsafe to keep them home.
This fall that broke my mother’s hip happened on our watch at 4 am.
Please give yourself a break. It is the right thing to place her in 24 hr care. The staff will be there for her at all hours of day and night. They will keep her safe. Visit her as much as you can. I unfortunately live far but if I lived closer I would be visiting much more often than 2x a week.
The best to you and your mama.💖
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InFamilyService Jul 2023
Thank you for the beautiful response.
At a point your very best and all your time and energy is not enough for their care. My dad passed in 2020 at his home with caregivers and hospice. Many hospitalizations, surgery & rehab proceeded his death. Mom followed him in 2022 but passed on day 2 in a very nice nursing home. She had become bedridden and had dementia. At present I am helping take care of husband's 94 year old aunt. She has 24/7 care and now hospice.

All this has taken a terrible toll on my health, stroke & heart surgery in 2022.
My sister has long haul covid after effects and many health issues she will have her entire life. Two other siblings are estranged and never even called.

Thankfully my husband has his only brother & wife very actively helping with Aunt.

One day at a time and just do what you can. Please take care of yourself.
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Yes; feelings are normal associated with the grief associated with change; in this instance the change being the placement of mother into facility care. You are grieving, she is most likely grieving. Valid decisions for a loved ones care and safety and, the health and well being of all , ( in this instance placement in facility) are often accompanied by grief . Be sure to get support for yourself via pastoral, or other spiritual, grief support and, have supportive pastoral and/ or social worker visits go to see your mother.
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Well, she made it to 94 in her own home. My mother was 90 when she could no longer live in her home safely, and I brought her to live with me.

You are not responsible for taking away your mother's independence and betraying her, so don't accept false guilt. Your mother's age, frailty and physical limitations are what has taken away her independence.

Don't be taken by surprise that you're upset and stressed, because it comes with the territory. It's hard to watch, it's hard to make decisions, it's hard to care for someone who can't care for themselves, it's hard to process.

It's the hardest job we never wanted.

Your mother's care and safety are what is important - not necessarily where she receives it. You're doing what's right for her.

Peace and blessings.
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Very common feeling . ((((Hugs)))).

You are making sure Mom gets the care she needs. You are a caring person . That is not a betrayal.
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It is very 'normal' to feel this way.

It is extremely difficult to make these decisions when necessary - for the welfare and safety of the loved one. It is a major life transition.

Feel as you feel. Allow your feelings to come up and out. Cry as you also acknowledge the love inside you for doing what is for her best interest. What you are doing is loving her.

Watching / observing a loved one slowly - or not so slowly - decline is difficult. We want the / our parent to be as they were. We do not want them to decline / die. This is human nature. As declining is.

Be present and love her as you are and can.

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing 'wrong' with you. You hurt, you love her. This is normal. You do not want her to suffer.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Absolutely. No matter how necessary. ❤. My mom knew we were looking for a place--before she ran out of money for 24/7 in-home care--but her money lasted longer than expected and she was able to die at home after just a few days on hospice. She was able to put a brave face on it, but would ask me how much longer she had at home. I was thrilled when she was offered a place (with about 24 hours notice...my sister and I agreed nope) and I was able to tell her we'd decided against it...
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No I did not betray my father by placing him in a NH. I feel bad that his body continues to hold on. There is no quality of life yet he lingers. It would have been a mercy for him to pass before he deteriorated to the point that this was the only option left.

He is better off where he is, he is getting better care than his daughters could give. He actually is doing better than he was his last year at home.

I am still managing my mother’s in home care and working on placing her there as well. No guilt about this either.

I know it is hard but try not to get too emotional about it. It doesn’t help. I’ve done what I’ve done out of love for my parents and I am sure you are too.
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Rose, I am so sorry. There is nothing wrong with you, you feel this way because you love your mom and you’re grieving her losses and your eventual loss of her. She’s not going to the nursing home because you failed, she’s going because it’s the care she needs to minimize the risk of something awful happening. It was wrong of the so-called experts at rehab to overlook or perhaps deliberately downplay her problems which sound so obvious. I often wonder what these people are thinking when they send an obviously incapable patient home on their own.

You being stressed out of your mind won’t do anything for your mother. Nobody could give that kind of care 24/7. Her being taken care of properly and you living your life as her daughter and advocate will help make her remaining years as good as they can be. Please, take care of yourself and her, as you know you should.
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I hated it! I felt sooo guilty, hurt and sad. But I also told myself that I could not take care of my daddy. He was six feet 246 lbs and I had to go to work. I was bless because the facility he was in was close enough to work and home that no matter what day it was I could visit him daily.
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It was heartbreaking to even think that my father might have to go into assisted living in the future. But when he needed assistance for daily living everyone knew it was the right and only decision.

It turned out to be far better than I ever imagined. All the daily therapy, activities, and social stimulation has allowed him to regain strength and now he has a much better quality life. A lot better than laying in bed all alone!
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Lisa, thanks for this. I remember how much you did not want your dad to enter care. I think it's admirable that you were able to change when you saw it working for him.
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When they need 24 / 7 Care and you can no Longer Life them or Make sure they are safe that's the time to Place them if you can't afford in Home caregivers .
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Like me, when I turn care over to paid caregivers 3 days a week, I first asked myself, "how am I not taking care of my mom?" The ladies we have are angels and I would sell the gold fillings in my teeth to keep them in our family if that's what it takes. They are now like my other moms. I don't know how we were so graced, but we were.

I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me, 'how is arranging care NOT caring for your mom?'

We all feel this weight like it's our responsibility when it is actually help and assistance, and acting responsibly. Especially when you have secured finances, safety, security, medication, medical care... How is that a betrayal.

A betrayal would be like, I don't know, dumping her on a curb and saying "who are you?" Arranging OUTSIDE care is not a betrayal. It. Is. Still. Care.

Right now what you can do is make sure the facility is looking after her carefully and properly. That's the important part. Is it up to you to 24/7 your mom? No. Keeping your own mind, heart, and health intact, while overseeing the same for your mom is not betrayal, it is care. And if said facility sadly falls below that standard, you do like we all do and move on to the next that will better oversee her.

I have a mom that at any given minute would be worthy of walking away from, as many of us on this forum have. But the fact that you have a plan in place? How is that betrayal. "Hey mom, I looked out for you." Whisper that every day. Then ask yourself if you betrayed her.

Because you have not.
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Hi,
Bless you! I understand! I know that my dad will eventually need assisted living but I do feel guilty. But.. I feel better about it after posting here. I got some great responses! As you said , it is for her safety and if you are like me, you can not be there 24/7.
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It is upsetting, but none of this is your fault and you shouldn't feel you are betraying her or feel any guilt. Old age took away her intendance, not you. She is capable of caring for herself and a facility is the best place for her to receive the level of care she needs.

My mother was being cared for at home and was suffering as no one was capable of providing her the level of care she needed. Placing her in a facility was the best thing we could have done for her. Her health has drastically improved, and she is happy as she is getting more socialization.

I am grateful every day that my mother is in a facility, and I can care for my own kids, have a career, travel and enjoy life. Not all facilities are bad and if your mother needs a high level on hands on care, will be the best place for her.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Mountaingyrl. I really appreciate all of the responses and support of this incredibly hard decision. It’s so difficult but I do believe this is best for her. I can’t possibly give her the degree of care that she now needs and the facility can. It’s as simple as that. Thank you for your response.
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It is absolutely normal to feel as you do, but it’s erroneous.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you PeggySue2020, and I agree. I am working on putting the whole situation into a more positive light.
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Desert,

Please don’t question your decision to place your mom. You absolutely made the best choice for her. You’re being responsible!

I truly admire you for knowing your limitations instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits.

I wish I would have been able to see things as clearly as you have. I was one who continued to push myself way past my limits. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. I ended up in therapy.

Thank God, I had a great therapist who worked with me and helped me to realize that I didn’t have to be superwoman!
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you. I’m glad you were able to get through your “superwoman” stage okay. For me, I’ve been in an anti-anxiety meditation since last year. Hoping I won’t need it anymore after my mom is settled in her new lifestyle.
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Poor mom.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
To Cover909. I have thought about your response since it appears you are not a fan of my mom going into assisted living. Poor mom is true. This will be a challenging transition for her. But which situation is best for her? Her staying alone in her home, sitting in a diaper, unable to use her walker or wheelchair to get off the chair in which she sits to watch TV unless I am there to assist her. She has to do this because I am at work. No, I can’t afford to quit my job. Or, better for her to make this difficult transition to a facility where staff is always present and willing to engage her, assist her, and entertain her. Plus, I get to visit her and be her daughter again instead of her part time nurse maid. It’s an incredibly hard thing to put someone you love dearly into a facility, but given the choices of life I’ve listed, I think the facility is best for her health and her safety.
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DesertRose, I bawled like a baby every single time I saw my dad for weeks. Feeling bad about this transition is completely normal.

Watching our parents lose the life they knew, we knew, is very sad and worth mourning. BUT, be as positive and upbeat about how much it is the right thing around your mom as possible. If you show any hesitation, it will give her an opening to work on you being her 24/7 caregiver or it will create fear for her, neither one is going to be helpful for the move.

You got this. You know in your head and heart that she now needs a village and you are ensuring that she has one. That is the most loving thing you can do for her.

I would encourage you to be her tour guide, meaning, join her for events, help her meet new people and meet them yourself. Homemade sweets are a HUGE icebreaker. I loved this time of year, I could do yummy fruit based deserts and not feel bad about jacking anyone up on sugar :-).

You will be her advocate and her daughter and that will be more beneficial for her then killing yourself to keep her home.

Great big warm hug! I found placing my dad to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, time does make it easier.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Isthistealyreal. I appreciate you sharing your story about your dad and how you felt when you went to visit. My mom has spent the month of June in a local short stay rehab facility and I literally cried my way home after each visit. I appreciate all of these responses from folks who have lived through this. I know this is best for her and I have new encouragement to look at this in a more positive light. Thank you.
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It sounds as though her needs will be better met in a SNF where there will be three shifts of caregivers available to give her around the clock care. You will not be able to come close to doing what these people will be doing for her. She needs to be where her needs are met.

Do not feel any remorse. You are doing the the best thing for her. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to get this done.
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
What nursing home is this with three shifts?
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I think you are feeling rotten because your mom has declined. You realized that she needed 24/7 care and you made a wise choice to place her in a facility. 👏 Bravo!

Now you can return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.

You have shown her that you care by placing her in a facility where her needs will be met.

You can help by being a wonderful advocate and oversee her care.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you NeedHelpWithMom. Yes, I feel a surge of relief when I think about simply being her daughter again. It’s been awhile since I had that kind of relationship with her. I’ll leave the caregiving to the professional staff and simply enjoy visiting her and helping to be sure her needs are being met by the staff. Thank you.
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Feel remorse, guilt, betrayal and grief. Then power through it. Backing down now will only make it harder for the next fall and trip to ER, when you will be telling yourself, "why didn't I follow through the last time?" You can still care for her when she is in a stable environment by keeping an eye on her and communicating her needs to the staff.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you GAinPA. Your response is helpful in so many ways. I may simply have been in some denial that her condition had deteriorated to the point that it has. It’s critical now for her to get the help she needs. I will definitely be in contact with the staff and be sure her needs are met.
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What you are feeling is totally normal. Sometimes we need to put our head before our heart. Instinctively you know that this is the next most logical step. Does that make it any easier? No, it doesn't. But from what you have described your mom doesn't have any independence so you aren't taking that away from her.

You are not betraying her. You are saving her from more falls, falls that could possibly really cripple her.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You are doing the right thing.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Gershun. Your response makes a lot of sense and helps me to put this into better perspective. She has been in steady decline for the past several years and I think I just have chosen to ignore the inevitable. Making this tough decision is best for her safety and I know it was the right thing to do.
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You are feeling GRIEF.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. You are human and have limitations and cannot be a 24/7 chief cook, bottlewasher, nurse, doctor for your Mom. We have seen people here get strokes from this. We have seen them have breakdowns.

You have done what you can. You have told her you are sorry and cannot go on and you love her I would bet, and she has told you it is OK, which will hurt you even more to your core. Anger is always easier because it gives you something to think about other than to stand witness to the awful --the DREADFUL pain and loss upon loss upon loss.

You are grieving. What kind of person would you be if you couldn't grief this loss. And is it not worth your Mom's tears, all she must go through, whether you stand witness to it 24/7 or not. And to know she is a burden to her beloved daughter, because the honest truth is (I am 81 and know) that's what we become, no matter our good intentions.

I am so sorry. There is no way round this grief but moving through it. Remember, guilt belongs to felons and they NEVER feel it. Just love your mom. Just love her. And please love yourself and accept that you are not god, you are not even a Saint. It's a bad job description anyway, I always say. It's a kind of hubris to think we can be perfect. We can't. We are human beings.

My heart goes out to you.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Bless you AlvaDeer. Your kind words have really helped me to look at this situation differently. Yes, I do see myself as grieving and know that I need to move through it, much the way I did after my dad passed. My mom has been in my care ever since, the past 12 years. She was relatively independent at first but over the past 6-7 years she has been in steady decline. Your response to my post is so helpful and I thank you for it.
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