I really need to prevent my mom's access to the refrigerator for her own health. Is it legal to lock the fridge?

So, have you applied for Medicaid so that your mom can get the 24/7 care she needs?

I can't imagine why a doctor would deem her competent. It sounds like it's very dangerous to leave her alone. I would consult with a doctor who handles dementia patients and explore filing for Medicaid.

She needs more supervision, and "we can't afford it" is not an adequate reason for her not to have it unless/until ALL possible financial solutions have been explored. Have you looked into Medicaid? Do you realize that Medicaid provides in-home care as well as financial help with nursing homes?

Have you actually looked at nursing homes that accept Medicaid? Don't make the assumption that they are inadequate compared to those who only accept self-pay.

As to your specific question, I don't see a problem with locking the fridge, especially if she has access to a reasonable number of snacks and plenty to drink during the day.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing your utmost to help keep Mom healthy, and yet her own behavior is self-destructive. How frustrating and painful! You obviously have to work, and there she is, unsupervised, and offsetting all your hard work!

I suggest expanding your focus to advocate for some kind of financial aid for Mom. I know you are already overwhelmed with managing her health concerns, but in the long run spending some effort in getting her financial help to afford the daytime care she needs could be a very worthwhile investment.

Continue to do your best. But also accept that this is not entirely within your control. Your mother's inability to help care of herself is Not Your Fault. (It is probably also Not Her Fault, if that helps any.) Take pride in all the care you are providing, and PLEASE do not fall prey to guilt feelings. You are doing an awesome job!

LostNLoopy, I read your profile and I hate to be blunt here but she sounds like a spoiled teenagers... good heavens, she spends 15 to 20 hours on-line in chat rooms? But won't wear pull-ups, thus you have your hands full with cleaning up after her. She diffidently is bored.

Do like anyone would do with a spoiled child, no pull-ups, no computer time.

As for the food issue, keep those items that would give her a sugar spike out of the house, even if it mean stopping by the grocery store on the way home from work every day. Find fresh veggies that don't have a lot of natural sugar. I can't vision your Mom finishing off a stock of fresh carrots.

ff, so Lost stops at the store on her way home every night. She buys a quart of milk. And then what? Dumps out the 2 cups they don't have for dinner, to avoid having it in the fridge tomorrow? Likewise with the orange juice -- dump it out after breakfast? Feed 3/4 a loaf of bread to the squirrels every day, to avoid having extra available? What do you do with box of crackers after you've had enough with your soup? Should Lost never buy a box of Cherrios? And must she buy oranges 2 or 3 at a time, instead of the more economical bag?

Frqflyer, I don't remember enough of the details of your situation -- do you have diabetes? Ever lived with someone who does?

I'm trying to think of how I would "keep those items that would give me a sugar spike" out of the house. Since with the exception of non-starchy vegetables, pretty much any food that has carbohydrates can cause a sugar spike in someone who has diabetes. Sure, the wrapped candies I keep in a pretty bowl on the coffee table would be easy to remove. No problem. But, no milk in the house? No fruit juice? No fruit? No cereal? Crackers, bread, frozen hashbrowns? Wow. It would tremendously expensive to buy only one meal worth of such items at a time. I think that this solution would be a big burden for Lost. Locking up the "dangerous" foods makes more sense to me.

Jeanne, at one time I had a wheat/dairy intolerance so I learned from that.... there are other food products one can substitute for meals. Example, for breakfast oatmeal with a small handful of walnuts and almonds, no milk. For lunch make a sandwich using lettuce as the "bread". One can get creative when the need calls. At McDonald's, hold the bun.

Lock the refrigerator. There's no law against it.

But freqflyer, it is NOT the goal of a good diabetic diet to eliminate carbs. It is to have a controlled amount. It is NOT to never have an orange. It is to not have three oranges at a time. If you are trying to lose weight you don't decide not to have any food ever. If you need to manage blood sugar you cannot decide to not have any carbs ever. That is an essential part of a healthy diet.

And why should Lost suffer even more by not having what she likes in the house? No bun on a burger at McD's, for Mom? Fine. But never any buns or bread for the caregiver at home, either? Way too burdensome for the OP. And eliminating carbs is contrary to the American Diabetic Association advice, as well as that of most certified diabetic educators.

Being diabetic is NOT like being sensitive or allergic to particular foods or food groups that you can learn to avoid. It is needing to control how much and when you eat the foods you need to eat. Huge difference. And in this case it seems Mom is out of control if left on her own.

Does your mom have any cognitive impairment? If she does, then some of her behavior may be beyond her control. But if she doesn't, then why are you jumping through incredible hoops to keep her healthy when she has no obvious concern for her own health? Why should you be more concerned about her health than she is? I don't understand. Your relationship sounds pretty enmeshed to me.

If your mom does have cognitive impairment, then she needs to be in a place that can handle her needs and you need to go back to being a loving daughter and not the food police/nurse/maid/poop cleaner.

If your mom doesn't have cognitive impairment, I'd give her the option of behaving like a responsible adult, or she's out of your house (assuming she lives in your house and not the other way around). You've taken on wayyyyy too much responsibility for her if she doesn't have a mental impairment.

I've now read your profile. I agree with blannie, and I think your mother must be cognitively impaired. You state her primary ailment is general age-related decline. But normal aging does not result in peeing all over the house without any concern about it. Just because a doctor doesn't think she is impaired enough to be legally declared incompetent doesn't mean she is aging normally.

Most persons with dementia cannot live alone beyond the very earliest stage. Your mother is alone while you work. That simply isn't adequate. Not Your Fault. Not Her Fault. But something must be done.

Given your career I'm sure you'll quickly become an expert and finding resources to make it happen.

And speaking of your career, it must be especially galling to you to see your mother's self-destructive behavior since you say, "All my professional life has been about helping people take more control over their own lives, and being responsible for themselves as adults. I am at a loss regarding how to deal with what is essentially, willfulness on the part of a competent adult."

Certainly your mother's behavior LOOKS willful. Even with dementia it is a best practice to encourage the person to take as much responsibility as they safely can. BUT with dementia there is a definite limit to what can be expected from them, and that limit gets lower and lower over time. There is physical damage to the brain and the person truly cannot always control their behavior.

There is a huge difference between falling short of the legal threshold for an "incompetent" ruling, and actually being "a competent adult."

Her doctor obviously knows she is not compliant with her care plan. Have you also told him about other behaviors at home, like not wearing incontinent briefs?

From what you've said, I believe your mother is mentally impaired.

If this is truly willful behavior then I agree with blannie and freqflyer. It is time to take charge and stop putting up with this disrespectful and harmful behavior.

(Tough love simply doesn't work with dementia and that is what I think you are dealing with.)

Lost, I also have read your profile as well as the above discussion and my reaction is that I would never consent to living with someone who destroyed the peace and order of my continually and left all the messes for me to clean up. I wonder if you feel trapped by obligation - your mother needs oversight and you are the only one available to provide it, even you can't be there all the time and she's plenty noncompliant when you're not around. What I see is that she is making your life extremely difficult and unpleasant and she doesn't seem to care at all. The refusal to wear incontinence briefs - my word - if someone did that in my house, and refused to clean up after themselves, they'd be gone. Even if it were my mother.

Yes, you can put a lock on the fridge. I've watched shows about families of Prader-Willi children and they lock up everything when the kids are alone, and overnight. Lock the cabinets too if there's cereal, bread, crackers, or anything else she should be having in excess But essentially I agree with what was said by jeannegibbs above - your mother seems to be mentally impaired. It may be time to let her be moved to a nursing home. And, in either case, take control of your own home back. If she's not mentally impaired, you need to stop putting up with this disrespectful and harmful behavior (thank you jeannegibbs!). Caregivers have rights too!

I read your profile too.

I wonder if you're under additional pressure because of your professional background. Just like the doctor's children always being the ones who are ill, I can only imagine how desperate the idea of your mother's care not being 100% brilliant must make you. You are, like it or not, a bit of a role model. Your higher level of expertise does mean that people will be watching you to see how it's done; and I don't envy you one bit.

But, especially because of your professional background, is it maybe time to have the quality of life debate with yourself? That is, with yourself and with others you trust - your mother's doctor, maybe colleagues, people you network with and whose opinions you respect?

Your mother, you say, is competent but wilful. You could say that about any person who smokes, drinks to excess, eats to excess, fails to take sufficient exercise… She is taking risks that many, if not most (it's most), adults take with their health. It's only a matter of degree.

The key difference, of course, is that you feel responsible for her welfare. Are you? In fact? And how far?

If no, then she can eat and drink what she likes. You can advise, you can provide a high quality diet, you can encourage and educate and inform. But you cannot decide.

If yes, then by all means lock your refrigerator if you judge that best. Your house, your responsibility, your decision. The only thing is, then: what are you trying to achieve? It isn't very likely, even if you do take that or similar steps, that you will be able to get your mother to A1 fitness. If you can get her to healthy and happy, then it's worth it. But slightly healthier and miserable? I wouldn't see that as a good enough reason to take away more of her autonomy.

I don't think you're going to cure boredom in three weeks. If she is snacking for that reason, is there anything else that could be done to divert her? Any voluntary organisations in the area that provide befriending services, outings, just something to occupy her?

I'd also look for resources online to find no-holds-barred pictures of diabetic complications and pin those up in the kitchen. Go to diabetes.org as a start - they also have an 'in my community' section which might have helpful ideas. If the threat of a nursing home made her shape up (briefly, alas), then surely amputation, blindness… get as gory as you like.

I'm curious about her computer usage. Is there any room for negotiation on that? If it's your computer you can just sell it and make her go cold turkey… wishful thinking, I guess? But it might be worth taking a closer look at what she's getting out of that chat room and seeing if you can't wean her onto something parallel that doesn't keep her immobile for so many hours at a time. Deadly.

You can get washable absorbent pads, by the way, on a practical point, to go on chairs. They're not expensive, hold up to a litre of fluid and save a lot of tears before bedtime. You wouldn't pick 'em for your loose covers, but there's a choice of colours so they don't have to look terrible.

Perhaps the one key thing is to remember that you do not have to carry all of this responsibility alone. Even if your mother were not competent - and I can't agree that making foolish choices is proof of dementia - you might feel more comfortable remembering that there is a whole community of people who will gladly support you; and I would have thought the diabetic community above all will get how difficult this challenge is.

Truly, I do understand how it feels to feel responsible for someone who Will Not Comply - for no good reason, yet! - and it is torment; but don't set yourself impossible goals for how much improvement you can achieve. It'll drive you round the bend and, worse, make you angry with your mother. Good luck with picking the battles, please come back to us.

Thank you for your replies. My mom is not eligible for Medicaid, and I have looked into the facilities in the area, and really, I would not trust her care to such places. She is not intellectually impaired to any great extent. There is some memory loss and technology confounds her. For instance, she cannot remember how to log into her online banking but once logged in has no difficulty reading and understanding the bank statement and she can balance her check book and do that math herself with pencil and paper. She can use a landline phone but not a cell phone or cordless phone. She can use a basic microwave but not the fancier ones with too many buttons and options.

She keeps very odd hours, and due to her diabetes, really needs to be on a regular meal schedule. Without that, and with her raiding the refrigerator all the time, her sugar has been out of control. That leads to fungal infections and UTIs and her refusal to get up and walk enough leads to pressure sores. Her doctor told her that to avoid a nursing home, she has to be on a regular meal schedule and go to sleep around the same time every day and bathe regularly. I have gotten her to bathe regularly by telling her that no, I will not help her log into this or that program until she bathes. Her refusal to use pull ups ... to be honest, a good deal of that is that she doesn't care that someone has to clean up after her. The way she sees it, she changed the diapers and bathed five babies, so one of them can clean up after her now. She actually shorted out her old power chair with urine, and now wants another power chair. I told her if she gets a new one, she has got to wear the pull ups and pads inside them and change the pads as needed, and if she doesn't do that, it will be back to a wheelchair. She can walk, but she has an extraordinarily low pain threshold and walking hurts her arthritic knees so she refuses to do anything but the bare minimum. When I say low pain threshold, her doctor was lancing a skin infection to drain it and she passed out cold, and when she has blood drawn, she gets faint at the pain from the needle prick and someone has to hold her arm or she will jerk away from the needle. This is not something new, she's been that way since I can remember. She has always refused PT because they focus on her walking, which she won't do. She won't take pain killers because she thinks they will damage her liver or kidneys, depending on the pain killer in question. I tried to point out that she is 84 years old, and being with less pain and possibly doing some long term damage might be all right in terms of quality of life. I spoke to her doctor about a PT consult, focusing on helping her with what she needs help with and will actually do ... she has got to be able to stand up and sit down with greater ease, and get in and out of vehicles.

I know that she can do for herself, she simply refuses to in a lot of cases. She can cook, she can wash dishes, she can bathe herself, she can dress herself. After a recent doctor visit in which her doctor mentioned a nursing home, due to her non compliance, she agreed to a regular schedule. So she gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same times every day, and an hour before breakfast she bathes and then I watch her take her meds and I test her sugar and give her the appropriate amount of insulin. So things have improved except for the refusal to wear pull ups other than at bedtime, and the snacking. Her doctor scared her with talk of a nursing home, and she's been far more cooperative since then. Getting her bath ready, doing her laundry,taking care of her meals and meds, and mopping the floor are what I do to assist her. She folds and puts away her own laundry and does her own dishes when I put my foot down about it and tell her I am going to turn off the computer until she takes care of things. While she likes to go out for rides and to get her hair done, and to lunch, she is not really interested in socializing with people her own age. She prefers her online communities from which it is difficult to pry her away for more than a few hours. Until about 8 years ago, she was an avid gardener and belonged to a gardening club, but as her arthritis got worse, she stopped moving around, and once she got online, she got out less and less and has been in a pretty rapid decline since then. She doesn't need constant care or supervision. On good days, about three hours spent with her all told, with a few minutes here and there throughout the day checking on her and reminded her to elevate her legs, mop the floor, fix whatever she's done to mess up her computer, etc. Days she has appointments, a lot longer.

My mother was never "mother of the year" ... always short tempered, always quick to spank or worse. Of her children, I'm the only one who has any tolerance for being around her, carrying on a conversation, taking care of her because my siblings have long memories and do not forgive. My attitude has always been that she did the best she could as a mother, whether that best was dreadful or not, so in good conscience, I should do the best I can for her. Where we live, I am her de facto caretaker and can be held liable for neglect so there is no moving her out to anywhere but a nursing home and she will not hear of that. I'm pretty much stuck with her and trying to make the best of it.

She could manage assisted living, but she wouldn't have the servant that she has in you. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling because I can't imagine putting up with what you're putting up with being healthy for you, either mentally or emotionally.

Your mom has put you in an emotional prison of guilt - I cleaned your diapers so now you clean my urine and feces. The difference is that a child doesn't know any better and had no choice on being brought into the world. Your mom KNOWS better and can DO better and chooses to be non-compliant with her entitled attitude and disrespect for you, her daughter. My heart goes out to you, because you've got quite a burden to carry with your mom. I couldn't do it and wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Just a side note, I wish doctors wouldn't use the threat of a nursing home as a "time out" to get a patient to comply. There will be a time when a nursing home is the only high level of care one has, and they will think they did something wrong.

Yes, she cleaned up after five babies, but I'll bet you all wore your diapers and pull-ups when you needed them, because if you didn't, you were spanked...or worse. You want to do the best you can for her, but that should work both ways. She should be doing the best she can for you too, not pissing on your floor because she doesn't care that you have to clean it up afterwards. Her behavior is disrespectful bordering on abusive. You deserve better than that from her.

In your place, I would move her out. If she's actually capable of taking care of herself (except she won't), I'd move her into whatever little senior apartment she could afford on her own income, and I'd tend to her minimum needs at her house. I'd stop preparing nutritious meals altogether for someone who refuses to follow the meal plan and snacks indiscriminately the rest of the time. I'd make sure she took her meds, check her over for injuries and worsening of symptoms, and leave the mess behind me when I walked out the door.

LostNLoopy, I read the things with a lot of empathy. You're not the only one who is working with a parent who is hell-bent on self-destruction. There is often no way we can keep them from doing the things that hurt them without destroying our own lives. We can't be there every minute of every day to keep them from eating when they shouldn't. We can only do the best we can do.

It is hard to not try to control what they do when we know that it would be better. But we do have to remember that they are adults and inside feel that they are the same people as they were when they were younger. In some cases if you did things like lock away food, the person could become destructive. I don't know if that would be the case for your mother. There is so much that we just have to play by ear.

I find it better with my bull-headed mother to approach her at her level. If your mother wants treats, buy some of the sugar-free jello snacks or similar things that may satisfy her cravings for sweets without adding a lot of extra sugar.

If nothing works, it is something you can't control and you'll have to make hard choices -- to continue to keep her at home while she goes downhill or to get professional help for her. It worries me that she sits in her chair all day without bathing and with bed sores, but I know you can't make her do what she won't. My greatest concern here is for you. You happiness is being totally consumed, along with all the food in the refrigerator.

It sounds like you and I are about at the same point on this downhill ride. I am personally ready to say "Enough! I have to get my sanity back."

LostNLoopy, you got answer to whether you can legally lock your refrigerator.

You got a lot more advice than that -- because as caregivers we can empathize with what you are going through and we'd really like to see your life improved.But your attitude that you're "stuck with it" and that there is a "reason" why every suggestion for change won't work means, I think, that you are indeed stuck in the situation. Could you get unstuck? Oh sure, but not with your present attitude and belief system.

That's OK. You are entitled to any outlook on life that you choose. You think your mother did her best and now you can do your best. Your life, your decisions. But I sincerely hope that you can accept your limitations gracefully and NOT go into the black hole of guilt.

So who's she talking to online? I'm just wondering if there are any walking, talking real-life versions of those people in your neighbourhood.

Um. What are you going to do when she can't manage as well as she is currently doing? Will you be able to get help lined up ready for that time?

I'm afraid with the pressure sores and lividity that the time is approaching quickly. Those pressure sores can be the devil to deal with when they grow, open up, or become infected. LostNLoopy, you may want to look around to make a plan for when it happens. Sometimes there is nothing we feel we can do at the moment that will work, but we can always get the ducks lined up for the future. This can include things like having all the legal paperwork done, locating resources or facilities that meet your mother's needs, and figuring out where the money will come from. Having a plan in place can keep us from feeling powerless when facing these strong personalities we are caring for.

If she is not eligible for Medicaid - why not? She has resources and or insurance then? The idea that you are "stuck" in this situation and there is no way out - is simply not an answer. What will you do when her health worsens - as JessieBelle notes? I would not find this an acceptable way to live, and I hope that you will not continue to do so either. It's not healthy for ANYone in your home!

Lock the fridge if it makes it easier on you and don't feel guilty for doing what you have to to protect her from herself. I haven't had to do that...yet but I have locked the microwave and taken the knobs off the stove so we don't burn down the house. I also lock all the bedrooms except her because she started moving my personal things from one room to another, losing them and leaving things around for the dog to chew. This protects her, my things and the dog. It also give me piece of mind that I don't have to come home to chewed up things, hunting for lost things and wondering if they were thrown away. Too tired in the evening to deal with that. I would rather spend quality time with mom. Check into some day care places also. If mom is bored maybe you can find one that takes medicaid or maybe look into volunteers (maybe check with churches or senior groups in the area) to sit with her and just chat and keep her company for an hour or two while your gone. Her hygiene might get better if she knows company is coming. good luck

My heart goes out to you...you must be worried the entire day while you are trying to work. I have a few ideas ...give her a cooler or a small refrigerator in her room filled will healthy snacks to choose from...i.e. veggies; sugar free yougurt etc...or get a small refrigerator where you can store the foods she shouldn't have...put it in your closet ...lock your bedroom door rather than locking the refrigerator.

You mention that your Mom is bored. There are Senior Centers and Adult Day Programs that are income based. I don't know where you live or I will be glad to look those resources up for you. There are also programs in every state for in home care...call your Area Agency on Aging to find out how to have your Mom assessed. There will likely be a wait list but at least you would know that she will eventually get services. In the meantime, adult day programs and senior centers provide a healthy warm meal, socialization and activities for older adults...hopefully she would be engaged in something other than the TV and food and that would be a better quality of life for her.

By chance was your Mom a veteran or married to a veteran. There is a program for war time veterans and their surviving spouses to assist in paying for care in the older years.

Hope these ideas help! Sandra

Only one idea based on my experience. I put a small refrigerator in my walk-in bedroom closet and keep things in there that my Alzheimer's husband doesn't seem to have the ability to control. I also put a keypad lock on the door so he can't get in the closet. We have talked about it and he understands. He doesn't really like it, but we openly discussed it before I set it up and he did not resist. Now he has forgotten that it's there.

Oh I feel for you.... Here is what helped us. We have been taking care of mom for 13 years and finally the vascular dementia got to be too much, even though it is the beginning stage of dementia, her delusions and hallucinations were terrible. Our county has a Senior Mental Health facility, about a year ago I was told while in the ER with her that I should get her evaluated there. But my "feelings" of caregiving would not allow me too. Finally the hallucinations from the Vascular Dementia got too bad and I placed her there for a 7-10 day inpatient evaluation, Medicare pays. It was the best thing we have ever done. They not only helped mom, but they helped us to find a Personal Care Home - That we could afford!!! We tried to find one thru the companies that advertise online but they would send us to ones way out of our budget. Like you, NO money to speak of, but they found a place that would take mom for what she could afford. There are only 5 ladies at the home and they are all buddies, enjoying every minute together. We still have to pay coincidentals, and meds but in the long run it is cheaper than I first thought because she is not running water for 10-20 minutes to wash her hands, forgetting it is on, etc. Utilities and food bills have dropped, weigh all the actual cost you are dealing with, not just the ones you can easily see. Plus she loves it there, treated very well, and is doing great, I am sure the meds are helping her also for that part. There is help out there you just have to dig for it, even for PCHomes thru the CCSP program and Money Follow the Person. Unfortunately our state is out of money for any new Medicaid help except for nursing homes, has been since September, and will be until the new budget is signed, in other words, we can't hold our breath that long because there will be a mad rush for money when it does open again here. Good Luck and don't give up your search, it has taken over a two years to find help for mom but she is happy and it warms our heart....

No legal reason not to lock fridge. As for the pull up issue, if shes going to act like a child treat her like one. She responded to doctor now you need to step up, if no depends then no computer. Its easy enough to do. I would not put up with that for a minute if the person is like you not mentally impared. She sounds like she knows whats shes doing. I do feel for you. I know you are trying.

Meant to say like you said not mentally impared

Have you applied for Medicaid to cover Assisted Living or Nursing Home Costs? We have my mother in AL - covered by Medicaid as her income is to low to cover the full costs. Look into it - Call your local Human or Social Services and ask to speak to their Adult Programs Supervisor/Medicaid. You should not have to go through all the stress and worries you have at this point. Best wishes on your journey.

Lost, something sounded familiar with the uncontrollable eating/needing the fridge locked. I know someone who was told by a Dr. that he is a "food addict". As in once he starts eating something often times cannot stop until it's all gone. He said he doesn't mean to do it, just kind of zones out and does it, then realizes it and feels very bad afterwards. Said he would stop at a grocery store in the middle of the day doing errands, with plenty in his stomach from breakfasts and lunches, buy something like a 6 pack of cream horns, eat them all. He said after the Dr. told him that he talked with his wife, and started to think about it. Said many times after he found himself standing at the store looking at items like that, realized he was doing it before hand and stopped himself from buying them. It sounded like a long term struggle. I don't know if there was other treatment involved, or something at the root of it, I know his parents were very poor when he was young. Food, especially any type of "treat" was pretty sparse, they had a lot of boys in the family. He said he'd been hungry most of his preteen childhood while parents were young and broke. Something to think about, ask the Doc, or read about maybe? Yes, with the diabetes in mind, guess I'd lock the fridge, and maybe one cabinet with the potentially more dangerous items in it. Don't feel guilty, you are doing the best you can.

No money for nh, must work, mom left alone. Set out food for her, lock up the fridge, cook a hot meal when you get home, repeat