Is it common for a spouse of many years to exclude their SO from their inheritance?

Seems odd that he would put the account with only one son's name on it. Without knocking the other children, is that son the more responsible one? Would he be more likely to share with you in the event something happened to him or with all siblings in the event something happened to him and then to you? Or is there a possibility this son might be the child who would encourage his dad to put money in both names so that son could move it if hubby happened to need facility care? Like it or not, some kids would blow through any money they can get their hands on and to H3LL with anyone else.

I think I would ask him. There is every possibility he did it thinking it was better for you and him to do so. If he doesn't have a good reason, I would ask to be added to the account so that you would have it should something happen to him first. If he doesn't think you need it and there is any doubt whatsoever about what sonny would do with the money, you should think about how to rat hole some funds of your very own.

This is a conversation you need to have because you DO have to know what you will be living on should he pass first...you BOTH need to know that.

Have this conversation with your husband.

You should both go to see an elder law attorney and get advice on the best way to be sure the surviving spouse is protected and the estate is organized properly. Sounds like your husband is doing some amateur estate planning. But, again, talk with him about it.

I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ three years ago, just as we were working on setting up our Estate and all the legal niceties. My DW and I after a lot of discussion decided that the best route for us was to set up a Living Trust in only my DW's name. Ownership of all of our property was put in her Living Trust and I released all ownership in property, we also put in a statement saying " I am making no provisions for my husband." We named our adult children and one of my BIL's as alternate Trustees. This way we will be sure that all of our ;property would pass to our children in equal shares. We sat our adult children down and made them read the entire Trust, and gave them a chance to ask any questions about it.
I also stated in my Pour Over Will, I have made no provision for my oldest (38yrs Old) previous marriage, due to his receipt of a personal injury lawsuit my DW and I financed with no help from his mother. He fired me as his Trustee a couple of years after the lawsuit and named his mother Trustee, he then blew all of his settlement money. What he received in that settlement far exceeds anything our three children will ever get. My oldest got his share and I wanted it spelled out in case he tried to contest my will. I don't believe he would, because, I explained all of this to him. We have about 2 1/2 yrs until the Trust will be established for five years and my DW will have everything to herself. All the other paperwork, medical directives, DPOA, burial requests etc was done by the Estate Attorney's and looked over by an Elder Law Attorney offering advice to review the Trust after a couple of years to make sure all is still compliant with our State Laws.
These actions are unique to our marriage, which is rock solid, We've practiced our faith together from the beginning the time we started dating. We've never had a fight in our 25yrs together including dating yrs and married years. We both sleep better at night.
Finally, I want all who read this to take stock in our advice to take a look at what is best for your family, and take charge of settling your affairs so there is a lot less stress for your DF once you pass away. Yes, this takes Faith and Commitment, we are happy.

While I have NO experience in this arena - or area, I'd say:
1. Talk to your husband first. It seems to me that this is the major important detail for you to know before allowing yourself to spin into emotional and psychological painful scenarios.
1a. I question or wonder why you didn't talk to him first, before asking here in this forum?
2. Tell him you are going to an Elder Estate Attorney and ask him if he wants to go with you (he might if he is handling things as his inheritance asks).
2a. If he says NO, he won't go (and perhaps asks "why are YOU wanting to go?), how will this affect your relationship with him - now? Trust issues, hurt.
3. Share with your husband how you feel and clear the air.

Seeing a lawyer sounds like a confrontational act. But it is up to you to do what you can, now, to try to secure your future in the event you outlive him, or you don't remain married to him. Do consult a lawyer and/or qualified financial advisor to protect such assets as you already have control over. It's the smart thing to do even if there is no funny business afoot.

Ask your husband. This needs to be sorted out now. I’m trying to deal with questions now that my husband can no longer answer because of his dementia.

Daughter2peeps, have you talked to your husband yet?

Lots of questions to be answered. 

My thought was maybe MIL had advised Hubby that the $ was for the children. My mother had accounts that she had told me were for my son for his education. When she passed I went to the bank and had any of those accounts placed in my name in trust for him. She also directed me that any of the funds left in the IRA she left for me should be named with him as the beneficiary if I passed before all the funds were distributed. On that one I had to have my husband sign off in agreement.

Sit down and talk with your husband. Get his answer as to why it is set up this way. It could be possible that he trusted son to put it in an account for both of you and son didn't follow dad's wishes, but instead set it up so that he benefits because he feels that "you being on the 401k is enough".

Then, after you talk with your husband, you and husband together go meet with an estate planning attorney and get everything straightened out the way that you BOTH agree upon. Do not tell son about this or involve him further in the financial planning. It sounds like he can't be trusted.

I think you are entitled to his inheritance because you guys are married; you should get half. You should just give a quick call to a lawyer and find out.

My thought is maybe your MIL (and not your husband) had your son set up the account this way. She may have by-passed you in favor of her grandson (blood relation). Just trying to make sense of it.

I think an attorney who specializes in elder law is an excellent idea. Elder lawyers preserve income and assets for use while you are still alive. And the more I think about your accountant son, the more skeptical I become about his motives. He may well be setting himself up to be his father's POA and take a salary for managing his dad's affairs.

How shocking this must be. But suggest instead of guessing his intentions ask him about it. How you want to map out your future together and care for each other. And be honest that you saw this and are uncomfortable with it. Hopefully it will open to an important conversation about money and the future.

Your husband apparently did this quietly and it is high time now that you go to an Elder Law Attorney to ask about your rights. Because this ISN'T "right" at all. The money should be left for you, however that is done. You are the one who may need care in future. You have not worked enough through caring for others to even earn good social security due to your care for others. I am truly very very worried about you.

Did your husband tell your son to take of you if he dies first? Do you and your husband have a Will? Sounds like you have been blessed with a good family, smart children and have had a good marriage.

I would be hurt too, but he might have a reason. Did he tell you why he did it? It seems the least he could do. Is he worried about all your joint capital being eaten up by the cost of caretaking for your mother and mother-in-law? He may be trying to protect assets.

My mom lived in her own house but many years before she passed, she deeded her house to the youngest of her three daughters, and set up a joint bank account with herself and that sister. Mom never wanted a nursing home to get the house and her life savings to the detriment of her children. A different situation, but there was a logic to it.

All three of us sisters will get the proceeds when our mother’s house is sold. Now I’ve been advised not to mix those funds with the joint assets I have with my husband, since he is several years older than I am, and in poor health, and we don’t need the money right now. I’m still not sure what to do. This money is the only “savings” I may have. I’m on SS disability and have been for some time. I am 65. I would rather not live in our expensive state, but my husband doesn’t want to move.

I would start by finding out what his reasoning is in keeping the legacy separate from your joint assets. He owes you that much. People can be funny about money, unfortunately.

While this doesn’t directly address your concern, thought it might be helpful, things to consider.
Both of us had prior marriages, children from prior marriages. My first spouse of thirty years skimmed assets, left me destitute, home had a third mortgage, he took in a ringer, posing as me, to obtain. I was left living in a car, court corrupt. I got a small amount of cash, just a few thousand left, eventually.
Fast forward. Remarried here, poor health, cannot work. My current spouse was not truthful about a lot of things. Including his finances, number of previous marriages. To protect myself, I had to claim early social security under him, as soon as I could, lest another prior wife beat me to it. His bank account was non-existent, he had gone to the bank of mom through the years, whenever he needed money. Mom now deceased, he still can’t handle finances. I have a small inheritance, much less than $100k, that is in a separate place he cannot access. If I outlive him, I will need every single penny of it. Not letting him have access. My mother left it to me. Since I’m the one handling finances here, daily bills, etc, I also have had to scramble at times when he was irresponsible. Example-he emptied most of his 401k to pay off this house. Refused to consider the tax consequences. I had to produce funds to pay back his remaining loan against his 401k, to prevent additional tax hit when he left his employer. Loan went into default, so I had to act. I am replacing the loan funds I loaned to house, so to speak, as it is going back into my retirement funds. Little at a time, I’m repaying myself. My earnings went to joint Kitty. He works as consultant to supplement our Social Security, which is a blessing. However, once I automatically send 20% of that into a quarterly tax escrow, and put monthly allotments into other escrow accounts for car and homeowners insurance, property taxes, his earnings aren’t what he thinks. We have very modest lifestyle, with both of us being sick, it’s challenging for me to keep bills paid, supplement insurance, meds costs, etc. he only looks at the initial consulting check and insists we should have so much more money than we have. In reality, after money goes into the various escrow accounts I’ve set up for the large, periodic insurance and tax expenses, we live on less than half the consulting income. The man has 1950s prices in his head, won’t even look at the true numbers, when I try to explain finances to him. He has no interest in the monthly cash flow spreadsheet I keep, so I know exactly what we have, the auto deductions, etc. I believe, in his mind, he thinks that I’ve got a big pot of money squirreled away. No, it’s a lot of hard work to budget and save. He has gone through periods when he has been abusive towards me. Not pretty. I’m not well enough to leave, so I am protecting myself as best I can. And that means financially as well.
My point is that things are not always as they seem. My spouse’s mind gives him this rosy picture of a pot of gold, with him having the luxury to spend, spend, spend. We have certain payments coming out of his Social Security money regularly. In part, to reign in his perception of how much play money he has.
This is not the best position to be in, but for my scrimping to put away money regularly set up to fund his 401k, he wouldn’t have had that to pay off the house. So, heck yes, my kids names are on my inheritance. I’ve done the best anybody could, with a Peter Pan spending away, even in retirement years. Should we need my inheritance funds, I have them. Pray I can leave the funds be as long as possible. You don’t really know a couple’s personal financial situation unless you are on the inside. If the guy’s a Peter Pan type, the spouse has to take action sometimes. I know he’s not going to be happy if he finds out, but it’s more important to me to preserve what I can divert. I have him set up with savings as well, should he outlive me.

Your situation strikes as untenable. (Is a daughter possibly being excluded too?!) If there are children or other loved ones in desperate financial states, compassion can play. a role. But with all you have done I would find that NOT acceptable. And I think you should let him know it. If he throws the word “gold digger “ at you, don’t take the bait or back down. Now, if you have a lot more money than he has(I suspect not) that’s one thing. Otherwise, the words callous and inhumane come to mind. Unless you’re “loaded,” I’d do battle (of words, of course)!

See a Wills, Estates and Trusts attorney quickly to see if you have any rights that your husband has put ITF your son. Are other assets, your house, other pre-inheritance savings, in both names? Have you spoken to your husband about this? Is he still of right mind or could he have been unduly influenced by your son? I have a relative who can now be easily influenced: whatever family member visits or takes her to dinner is the one she wants to give everything to. Please speak to your husband about his reasoning. Maybe your other children know about this? Either your husband thinks you might not manage this legacy well, or one son might be exerting pressure, or there may be another reason.

That's horrible! I'd be soooo hurt and angry! What does he have to say for himself??

I am going out on a limb here. My dad always told my mother if he goes first that she would be well taken care of. He said this for years. But something change after a few years of his retirement. My dad started saying no one was getting his money. I knew my dad was serious, but wasn't sure what that meant. My dad left my mother just 22,000.00 dollars. Thats it! Hum something was wrong!

Well, I looked into my dad's financial records and found out that he cashed in 2 good life insurance policies. Plus, he was taking big amounts out every month out of his retirement plan for just a little over a year and left 2000.00 dollars in it. At the time it made no sense to me. Why would he leave my mother with such a small amount? I figure maybe he spent it or maybe he gamble it all away not that there is a Casio close by.

Then I moved into my parents home and learned a few things about my mother. My mother spent her whole IRA and her SS cks on my brother. And my dad knew it. Moreover, I am sure that my father would have disapprove of this. With out a doubt.

Something was a miss. My parents had 2 safe deposit boxes. When my dad was sick he told my mother to close both boxes out. But only one box had some jews in it and the other was empty. Again not making any sense.

Then I remembered my dad telling me what to do should I ever find a bag with money in it, and how you can put cash into a safe deposit box for safe keeping so that you can get some money out when you need to and it makes it easier to move it under the radar. This is a thing he would tell me over and over as I was growing up and at the time I didn't understand. My dad also talked about how you can put money into a off shore acct.

My parents marriage fall apart. My mother sided with my brother on everything. My father was an old school Irishman.

So where did he put his money? He did a few thing with it. One, he has an off shore acct that I found online. But have not touch that money because I have to go there and get it. Two, I think the rest of his money was either spent or he has hid it in this house. My mother and my brother thinks he died cash poor. But I know my dad, the person that always said, " I was born into money and I will die with money."

I think he either spent the rest of his money which I am not sure that is a possibility or he hid it. Our house is old and has a few great places to hid things, plus on his key chain there is one key that looks like it goes to an old box, a box that just might be in the attic. A place that no one goes to.

My conclusions is that my dad knew my brother who stole from him and my mother who gave her money to my brother would get his money. I believe that my dad hid the money believing that I would find it when the time is right and that I would know what to do. I have not really looked for it at this point because my mother would believe that the money should go to her, but if my dad wanted her to have it he surely would have given it to her.

I really don't know what he did with the rest of his money. I just know he didn't want my mother to have it!

So, why am I telling you this...I believe CM is right "there is something very off" about this whole situation.

There is a reason why your hub is not telling you, but why the son? People do strange things when it comes to money. And money is so easy to move without a paper trail. Sorry to say this isn't looking good for you!

Just something to think about!

D2P I'm just pasting your explanation here so people can see what I'm talking about:

"I think my son was just repeating what my husband said. He was my MIL accountant/financial adviser. He was the only one who knew she had money. I knew before my husband she had money because my son shared the info with me in confidence. I don’t think hubby is aware that I know so much. I haven’t said anything as I didn’t want to put my son in the middle."

Your son is an accountant/financial adviser. Your son looked after his grandmother's finances. Your son placed his grandmother's legacy in this account naming his father and himself? Your son shared confidential information with you. Your son seems also to have taken on himself your own future financial security.

Your son, with respect, has already gone and is still going rather far beyond his legitimate remit. I am sure he is doing this with the best of intentions, but before now I have known people who by virtue of their professional accountancy qualifications get up to all sorts of interesting manoeuvres and think it clever - and *mean* it to be clever - when in fact it creates enormous complications, not least mistrust and bad feeling among families. What do accountants understand about hurt feelings and the value of loving care?

TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. It is for you and your husband to give instructions to your financial adviser. It is not for your son to think he will organise his parents' affairs so that the poor old dears don't have to trouble their pretty grey heads about it.

You don't have to say a single word about your son in starting this conversation. You begin it with "set my mind at rest. I think it's time we talked about our retirement planning, our wills, our powers of attorney and our health and care plans. Can we have a fact-finding conversation, please?"

My husband has done something similar but with a smaller amount. Most of our assets are jointly owned between us but he refuses to do a will for the rest. He also has a small savings account that is POD for myself and two children. Since it is only a small part of the estate, I don't begrudge them this. With yours, though, I'd be having a "come to Jesus" meeting with my husband immediately! He would have my name on the account the next day or be facing a divorce lawyer and spousal rights laws.

I'd be miffed if my husband squirreled away an inheritance for himself and another family member to my own exclusion.

These days, no one knows how much it will cost to see life through to the final curtain call. If your husband really did say "you are on [dad's] 401k that’s enough" I would want a straight answer from the horse's mouth.

I would not involve your son anymore than he has already been involved. Even if he is an accountant, it's weird and inappropriate.

There are men who have secrets. There are sons who keep their father's secrets. I hope that's not what's going on here. Depending on what your husband says about his reasons for putting the inheritance in an account that's not shared with you but rather shared with just one child, you may want to hire a PI.

If you tell your husband you feel hurt and he doesn't care, I would start making preparations to ensure your own financial security. How much would you estimate retiring 5 years early cost you?

Could it be as simple as this money left to your husband came as a surprise to him just as it did to you, not sure why he hasn't told you yet but your son who was already intimately involved in his grandmother's finances (he know all about the money before either you or your husband by the sounds of it) offered to help him invest it or set up an investment account of some sort? Maybe the money needed to be passed out of the estate before your DH had decided what to do with it or he wanted to simply set it up so that it passes to your kids and this is a holding account while that's being done? Who is the executor of your MIL estate? There might just as easily be no intent to do something nefarious behind your back and a perfectly simple explanation for what's happened. If it's that large an amount maybe they are trying to keep it from being taxed at as high a rate or increasing your joint income too much. Other than this particular instance everything you say about your husband, family and marriage is pretty much glowing so if there aren't other issues or indications that there might be issues I sure wouldn't want to jump to conclusions and make moves to position myself against my DH before simply asking him what the deal is, as you say inheritance isn't automatically joint property so maybe your DH wasn't planning on asking about your inheritance, assuming you would do your own thing with it rather than put it in the joint account the way you were assuming and then when he got this unexpected inheritance was simply thinking about it the same way. He may not have even considered who's income paid for college and who paid into retirement because he views you as equal partners, savings and retirement just like assets belonging to you equally.

I would approach your husband about this from the perspective of wondering why he didn't share the inheritance news with you rather than why or if he isn't sharing the money with you and then depending on how that goes you might tell him how you were assuming you would handle any inheritance you got and why it hurt that you had to hear about this from your son. Not that you are upset he isn't sharing it with you necessarily. My husband's father left him a little (maybe $1000) more than his siblings, no one got a lot, specifically because of me and my medical issues but I didn't expect nor did I ask to have a say in where that money went. I felt it was my husbands inheritance and it wasn't up to me unless he asked to have a say in what he did with it. He invested it all, even though we really could have used the money and I don't remember if I even knew the exact amount he got. The small amount my GM gifted me a few years prior I put into a car we desperately needed and paying some bills but that was my choice and this was his. We now have a fair amount more for retirement than we would were he not still playing the market with that money and it's profits and he has gotten enjoyment over the years doing that as well, the way I look at it is he isn't loosing our money when investments don't work out and any profit can only help in the future one way or another.

Wow. If I’ve said it once - I’ve said it a hundred times: Money, wills and inheritances bring out the absolute worst in people.

Our parents left my brothers and me an equal share of a decent chunk of change. Our parents had wills that left everything to each other - only after they both passed would we inherit.

When my father died first, we couldn’t find his will. Seems he took it out of their safety deposit box about a month prior to his passing. We’ve no clue as to why.

Anyhoo, my mom was a co-account holder or a beneficiary on almost everything. The couple of accounts that she wasn’t - my brothers and I agreed that it was all moms, regardless. As I would hope - that in most circumstances - any children would agree with - should this
happen to their parents - parents in a long term marriage and all children being “theirs”.

So, yea. What’s up with this one son? His statement - whether it was parroted from his father or not is immaterial - is wholly inappropriate and totally disrespectful. I would have tossed him over my knee as well!

However, it’s past time for you to stop marinading in suspicion, hurt and wondering. Ask your husband, directly but calmly just what the heck is going on - what is he thinking and/or planning. Be prepared to hear the worst. By that I mean, be prepared for your next move - whatever steps your willing to take, albeit them hard ones.

You need to look after yourself here. Frankly, in my opinion - saying that you’ll get the retirement fund and that ought to be enough - is a load of bullchit. As you’ve been married - been this azz’s life partner - for over 40 years - that’s not a decision he gets to make all by himself.

It’s just not. But are you willing to
play hardball?

I agree. Get facts from the source. The son could be trying to stir things up. I love the PI angle. As I said earlier a good attorney is your best friend. Protect yourself. There’s a lot you can do. It’s disturbing, disappointing, confusing, hurtful, etc but don’t stew about it. Collect the information needed and resolve it.

Unless there have been some major changes in the law, inheritance is not community property. It is sole and separate property of your husband.

I think that you should talk to him and forget about putting your son in the middle, he has done that himself. 1st he tells you what grandma has, but don't tell dad and then he tells you what dad did, but don't say a word. In my opinion your son is an instigator and should not be trusted. Perhaps he is intentionally trying to create a separation so all grandma's money goes to him, it is set up that way.

Trust your husband and have a talk about the shenanigans your son is up to and how to get that money secured for your guys future.

I have found that when someone tells me something with the preface that I can't repeat it, they are soothing their own conscience by creating a cohort. Don't play the game.

Have the husband investigated by a private investigator, see if he is having an affair. He may have an exit plan, and this son knows about it.
Then, after you have enough information, go to your husband.

Keep your money separate, tell no one.

Plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

D2Peeps,

You might also make sure you know what and where your marital assets are in case of any eventuality.

My sister's friend and her husband were both electrical engineers and founded a software company 30 years ago. As the years went by she took a more minor role in the company to raise their kids. When their daughters reached college age he fell in love with one of their 20 year old friends. Upon divorce, he gave her her "share" but she knew there was much more money than that. Nope, that's all, he insisted. She was able to trace intricate financial records to discover where he'd hidden millions in offshore accounts. She hauled him back to court and got much more.

Okay, I'll stop the divorce stories and hope all will be well with you D2p.