Is it common for a spouse of many years to exclude their SO from their inheritance?

You might find this interesting

https://estatelawcounsel.com/surprise-cant-easily-disinherit-spouse-u-s/

If your husband has any reason to believe you would mismanage your money he may be trying to protect you by having your son manage for you (I'm not saying he's going about it the right way though)

Ah, I just realized you are asking specifically about the inheritance, not your other assets. It could be that he wants to ensure the money reaches the next generation but I still feel his efforts are clumsy, and what about the other kids? This sounds a lot like the archaic patrilineal attitude that sees the money as passing from his father, to himself, to oldest son.

What did she leave for you? If nothing, then at least in Canada you could contest the Will. Blood relatives can contest a Will if they are left out and funds are left for non relatives.

Do you know what your husband’s Will says about the funds? Is the account with you son set up that your son will receive the funds upon your husband’s death or is it to provide for you upon his death? Strange way to do it though?

Have you talked to your husband about this?

Oh boy! Would I be pissed. I would ask him point blank why he felt like you didn't deserve to share in the inheritance. And why, one son and not all the children.

Everything we have is ours. My husband has inherited 2x and the money was invested with me as beneficiary. Wills are what is urs is mine. There will be no inheritance for the girls until one of us dies and the other does a new will.

Come back and tell us what he says.

I would be furious! I would be hurt as well. Clearly you are responsible with money since you paid for college tuitions for your children.

Can you think of a logical reason for him doing this? I can’t. Are you in a community property state? Just curious. Don’t know if that would even matter though because he can separate the money anyway.

Can you consult an attorney before confronting him so you will have all the facts? Something is off here. Why on earth would he do this? Hugs!

I think you're going to have to ask your husband of 43 years about this, don't you? Nobody else can explain.

Found out inadvertently, eh? Hmm. Well, as it was inadvertent: tell the truth, shame the devil, and tell him how you came across the information.

Unless your husband has something against his other three children, and as your MIL passed away recently as you say, my first guess would be that this account is not the end of his plans for the money but is merely an interim arrangement.

In any case, of more importance to you is the provision your husband has made in his will; and you too should have made a will. Often the best arrangement for a married couple is to see to this together - have you done so? If not, what are you waiting for?

I can understand that you feel hurt and badly treated, but don't make assumptions that make it worse. His "lack of concern" about you is probably no such thing. Don't let it fester - you've been married for over forty years and the Need To Know basis applies.

What estate planning have you done as a couple? Do you have wills?

It sounds as though there is some contention around how money gets spent in your marriage. How was it decided to fund the childrens' education from your salary while his salary funded retirement savings? Was that a decision made jointly, or by fiat?

Does either of you have a pension and if so, do you have rights to survivorship benefits? Are you the beneficiary of his 401k? Or are the children?

It would never have occurred to me to put legacy money from my mom into a joint account, but that's because we dont have ANY joint accounts.

I'd get a legal consult with a Family Law attorney immediately. In most jurisdictions there are laws on NOT disinheriting a spouse.

Your son said that to you?

My son is six foot tall and thirty five years old but if he had said that to me he would have been over my knee and spanked with a hairbrush.

D2p, enough is enough. WHY are you asking your son questions that ought to have been put to your husband? WHY does your son believe that it is for him to determine what is "enough" for his mother? And why in heaven's name aren't you and your husband sorting out your joint affairs in a tidy and transparent way? Don't be reticent, don't be shy, but do be calm - it is time to be taken seriously about a serious subject which you have a right to be involved in.

I wonder if perhaps he has debt you don't know about....

Do you think that your son is behind his actions for some unknown reasons to you? Not accusing him, just seems strange is all. Something seems off.

Your future counts equally to your husband and children. You need answers. See an attorney first so you have knowledge. Then address the issue.

I'd be mad, hurt and suspicious. You're being treated like a child, with your husband keeping you in the dark and putting your son over you. I'd consult with a good attorney to find out my rights and protect myself for any eventuality.

I know a woman who was divorced after 40+ years of marriage. Her husband took all of the money and dodged her efforts to get her share while all four of their kids shamed her and defended him. She never got her share and eked out an existence in a windowless basement apartment, with her kids treating her like a silly child. I hope your husband and kids are better than this, but beware.

Davina,

I’d be mad too. Shocked as well. Sad. Wow! Bad situation for your friend, sorry.

The right attorney in any situation is the answer. When my daughter was getting an attorney for a restraining order for an ex boyfriend because he was threatening to hurt her, did attack new guys she dated after she broke up with him, blinded her dog by throwing something at him and it hit the poor little pooch in the eye and he went blind caused by a detached retina, attempted suicide, etc.

When my daughter took him to court. His attorney tried to say that he was only a threat to himself. The judge told his attorney that one of the number one things they look for is suicide attempts and hurting animals. She also brought up how prevalent murder/suicide is in a relationship. My daughter won the case and got the restraining order against him. So far he hasn’t bothered her and is abiding by the order. I feel sorry for his dad. He tried to raise him right. He is a policeman. I am sure it is embarrassing that his son had a restraining order on him. The mom undermines the dad and babies the son. When my daughter wouldn’t baby him he couldn’t take it and started his abusive behavior towards her, her dog and people that she dated after they broke up.

No, CM, I didn't go with her. But not because the 10K retainer gave me any pause.

Interestingly, my ex, someone I always kowtowed to, deferred to, etc., who was LIVID when, as directed by our mediator, I retained a lawyer, suddenly became quite docile when HIS lawyer explained to him exactly what he was going to give me. (Much more than I asked for). Because NY State is a good place to be a woman.

And, contrary to what you might think, he now seems to respect me more. Standing up for myself, finally, seemed to get his attention.

Kind of scary, isn’t it? We are married to someone. We think we know them and all of a sudden, surprise! So disturbing.

Hello daughter to Peeps
re: your husband of 43 years -
There are many questions I would want answered here a) if you have 4 children, why he chose just 1 child etc, etc- for example will the son administrator for the family, does he inherit alone?
This may sound extreme, but if you have a real concern that if he passed away it would leave you basically in financial difficulty. My suggestion, is to contact a divorce
attorney ASAP and get the financials worked out now. Reason, if he passes away first based on what you've said you would be in dire straits if you don't have
your own savings/401k etc, and have instead spent your salary on home and family - (nothing wrong with that but you should not have to worry about your financial
future either), and I don't know how old you are - but getting a job as a senior is not an easy task and in today's economy you're probably "gonna
have some hard times ahead" . Like I said a divorce attorney may sound extreme, but if your husband dies before you there will be nothing you can do.  While you don't have to actually get a divorce, but, at least with a divorce attorney you will find out what rights you have, sooner than later where you stand and what options you may have. Good luck

GloBee

D2Peeps,

You might also make sure you know what and where your marital assets are in case of any eventuality.

My sister's friend and her husband were both electrical engineers and founded a software company 30 years ago. As the years went by she took a more minor role in the company to raise their kids. When their daughters reached college age he fell in love with one of their 20 year old friends. Upon divorce, he gave her her "share" but she knew there was much more money than that. Nope, that's all, he insisted. She was able to trace intricate financial records to discover where he'd hidden millions in offshore accounts. She hauled him back to court and got much more.

Okay, I'll stop the divorce stories and hope all will be well with you D2p.

Have the husband investigated by a private investigator, see if he is having an affair. He may have an exit plan, and this son knows about it.
Then, after you have enough information, go to your husband.

Keep your money separate, tell no one.

Plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

Unless there have been some major changes in the law, inheritance is not community property. It is sole and separate property of your husband.

I think that you should talk to him and forget about putting your son in the middle, he has done that himself. 1st he tells you what grandma has, but don't tell dad and then he tells you what dad did, but don't say a word. In my opinion your son is an instigator and should not be trusted. Perhaps he is intentionally trying to create a separation so all grandma's money goes to him, it is set up that way.

Trust your husband and have a talk about the shenanigans your son is up to and how to get that money secured for your guys future.

I have found that when someone tells me something with the preface that I can't repeat it, they are soothing their own conscience by creating a cohort. Don't play the game.

I agree. Get facts from the source. The son could be trying to stir things up. I love the PI angle. As I said earlier a good attorney is your best friend. Protect yourself. There’s a lot you can do. It’s disturbing, disappointing, confusing, hurtful, etc but don’t stew about it. Collect the information needed and resolve it.

Wow. If I’ve said it once - I’ve said it a hundred times: Money, wills and inheritances bring out the absolute worst in people.

Our parents left my brothers and me an equal share of a decent chunk of change. Our parents had wills that left everything to each other - only after they both passed would we inherit.

When my father died first, we couldn’t find his will. Seems he took it out of their safety deposit box about a month prior to his passing. We’ve no clue as to why.

Anyhoo, my mom was a co-account holder or a beneficiary on almost everything. The couple of accounts that she wasn’t - my brothers and I agreed that it was all moms, regardless. As I would hope - that in most circumstances - any children would agree with - should this
happen to their parents - parents in a long term marriage and all children being “theirs”.

So, yea. What’s up with this one son? His statement - whether it was parroted from his father or not is immaterial - is wholly inappropriate and totally disrespectful. I would have tossed him over my knee as well!

However, it’s past time for you to stop marinading in suspicion, hurt and wondering. Ask your husband, directly but calmly just what the heck is going on - what is he thinking and/or planning. Be prepared to hear the worst. By that I mean, be prepared for your next move - whatever steps your willing to take, albeit them hard ones.

You need to look after yourself here. Frankly, in my opinion - saying that you’ll get the retirement fund and that ought to be enough - is a load of bullchit. As you’ve been married - been this azz’s life partner - for over 40 years - that’s not a decision he gets to make all by himself.

It’s just not. But are you willing to
play hardball?

Could it be as simple as this money left to your husband came as a surprise to him just as it did to you, not sure why he hasn't told you yet but your son who was already intimately involved in his grandmother's finances (he know all about the money before either you or your husband by the sounds of it) offered to help him invest it or set up an investment account of some sort? Maybe the money needed to be passed out of the estate before your DH had decided what to do with it or he wanted to simply set it up so that it passes to your kids and this is a holding account while that's being done? Who is the executor of your MIL estate? There might just as easily be no intent to do something nefarious behind your back and a perfectly simple explanation for what's happened. If it's that large an amount maybe they are trying to keep it from being taxed at as high a rate or increasing your joint income too much. Other than this particular instance everything you say about your husband, family and marriage is pretty much glowing so if there aren't other issues or indications that there might be issues I sure wouldn't want to jump to conclusions and make moves to position myself against my DH before simply asking him what the deal is, as you say inheritance isn't automatically joint property so maybe your DH wasn't planning on asking about your inheritance, assuming you would do your own thing with it rather than put it in the joint account the way you were assuming and then when he got this unexpected inheritance was simply thinking about it the same way. He may not have even considered who's income paid for college and who paid into retirement because he views you as equal partners, savings and retirement just like assets belonging to you equally.

I would approach your husband about this from the perspective of wondering why he didn't share the inheritance news with you rather than why or if he isn't sharing the money with you and then depending on how that goes you might tell him how you were assuming you would handle any inheritance you got and why it hurt that you had to hear about this from your son. Not that you are upset he isn't sharing it with you necessarily. My husband's father left him a little (maybe $1000) more than his siblings, no one got a lot, specifically because of me and my medical issues but I didn't expect nor did I ask to have a say in where that money went. I felt it was my husbands inheritance and it wasn't up to me unless he asked to have a say in what he did with it. He invested it all, even though we really could have used the money and I don't remember if I even knew the exact amount he got. The small amount my GM gifted me a few years prior I put into a car we desperately needed and paying some bills but that was my choice and this was his. We now have a fair amount more for retirement than we would were he not still playing the market with that money and it's profits and he has gotten enjoyment over the years doing that as well, the way I look at it is he isn't loosing our money when investments don't work out and any profit can only help in the future one way or another.

I'd be miffed if my husband squirreled away an inheritance for himself and another family member to my own exclusion.

These days, no one knows how much it will cost to see life through to the final curtain call. If your husband really did say "you are on [dad's] 401k that’s enough" I would want a straight answer from the horse's mouth.

I would not involve your son anymore than he has already been involved. Even if he is an accountant, it's weird and inappropriate.

There are men who have secrets. There are sons who keep their father's secrets. I hope that's not what's going on here. Depending on what your husband says about his reasons for putting the inheritance in an account that's not shared with you but rather shared with just one child, you may want to hire a PI.

If you tell your husband you feel hurt and he doesn't care, I would start making preparations to ensure your own financial security. How much would you estimate retiring 5 years early cost you?

My husband has done something similar but with a smaller amount. Most of our assets are jointly owned between us but he refuses to do a will for the rest. He also has a small savings account that is POD for myself and two children. Since it is only a small part of the estate, I don't begrudge them this. With yours, though, I'd be having a "come to Jesus" meeting with my husband immediately! He would have my name on the account the next day or be facing a divorce lawyer and spousal rights laws.

D2P I'm just pasting your explanation here so people can see what I'm talking about:

"I think my son was just repeating what my husband said. He was my MIL accountant/financial adviser. He was the only one who knew she had money. I knew before my husband she had money because my son shared the info with me in confidence. I don’t think hubby is aware that I know so much. I haven’t said anything as I didn’t want to put my son in the middle."

Your son is an accountant/financial adviser. Your son looked after his grandmother's finances. Your son placed his grandmother's legacy in this account naming his father and himself? Your son shared confidential information with you. Your son seems also to have taken on himself your own future financial security.

Your son, with respect, has already gone and is still going rather far beyond his legitimate remit. I am sure he is doing this with the best of intentions, but before now I have known people who by virtue of their professional accountancy qualifications get up to all sorts of interesting manoeuvres and think it clever - and *mean* it to be clever - when in fact it creates enormous complications, not least mistrust and bad feeling among families. What do accountants understand about hurt feelings and the value of loving care?

TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. It is for you and your husband to give instructions to your financial adviser. It is not for your son to think he will organise his parents' affairs so that the poor old dears don't have to trouble their pretty grey heads about it.

You don't have to say a single word about your son in starting this conversation. You begin it with "set my mind at rest. I think it's time we talked about our retirement planning, our wills, our powers of attorney and our health and care plans. Can we have a fact-finding conversation, please?"

I am going out on a limb here. My dad always told my mother if he goes first that she would be well taken care of. He said this for years. But something change after a few years of his retirement. My dad started saying no one was getting his money. I knew my dad was serious, but wasn't sure what that meant. My dad left my mother just 22,000.00 dollars. Thats it! Hum something was wrong!

Well, I looked into my dad's financial records and found out that he cashed in 2 good life insurance policies. Plus, he was taking big amounts out every month out of his retirement plan for just a little over a year and left 2000.00 dollars in it. At the time it made no sense to me. Why would he leave my mother with such a small amount? I figure maybe he spent it or maybe he gamble it all away not that there is a Casio close by.

Then I moved into my parents home and learned a few things about my mother. My mother spent her whole IRA and her SS cks on my brother. And my dad knew it. Moreover, I am sure that my father would have disapprove of this. With out a doubt.

Something was a miss. My parents had 2 safe deposit boxes. When my dad was sick he told my mother to close both boxes out. But only one box had some jews in it and the other was empty. Again not making any sense.

Then I remembered my dad telling me what to do should I ever find a bag with money in it, and how you can put cash into a safe deposit box for safe keeping so that you can get some money out when you need to and it makes it easier to move it under the radar. This is a thing he would tell me over and over as I was growing up and at the time I didn't understand. My dad also talked about how you can put money into a off shore acct.

My parents marriage fall apart. My mother sided with my brother on everything. My father was an old school Irishman.

So where did he put his money? He did a few thing with it. One, he has an off shore acct that I found online. But have not touch that money because I have to go there and get it. Two, I think the rest of his money was either spent or he has hid it in this house. My mother and my brother thinks he died cash poor. But I know my dad, the person that always said, " I was born into money and I will die with money."

I think he either spent the rest of his money which I am not sure that is a possibility or he hid it. Our house is old and has a few great places to hid things, plus on his key chain there is one key that looks like it goes to an old box, a box that just might be in the attic. A place that no one goes to.

My conclusions is that my dad knew my brother who stole from him and my mother who gave her money to my brother would get his money. I believe that my dad hid the money believing that I would find it when the time is right and that I would know what to do. I have not really looked for it at this point because my mother would believe that the money should go to her, but if my dad wanted her to have it he surely would have given it to her.

I really don't know what he did with the rest of his money. I just know he didn't want my mother to have it!

So, why am I telling you this...I believe CM is right "there is something very off" about this whole situation.

There is a reason why your hub is not telling you, but why the son? People do strange things when it comes to money. And money is so easy to move without a paper trail. Sorry to say this isn't looking good for you!

Just something to think about!

That's horrible! I'd be soooo hurt and angry! What does he have to say for himself??

See a Wills, Estates and Trusts attorney quickly to see if you have any rights that your husband has put ITF your son. Are other assets, your house, other pre-inheritance savings, in both names? Have you spoken to your husband about this? Is he still of right mind or could he have been unduly influenced by your son? I have a relative who can now be easily influenced: whatever family member visits or takes her to dinner is the one she wants to give everything to. Please speak to your husband about his reasoning. Maybe your other children know about this? Either your husband thinks you might not manage this legacy well, or one son might be exerting pressure, or there may be another reason.

Your situation strikes as untenable. (Is a daughter possibly being excluded too?!) If there are children or other loved ones in desperate financial states, compassion can play. a role. But with all you have done I would find that NOT acceptable. And I think you should let him know it. If he throws the word “gold digger “ at you, don’t take the bait or back down. Now, if you have a lot more money than he has(I suspect not) that’s one thing. Otherwise, the words callous and inhumane come to mind. Unless you’re “loaded,” I’d do battle (of words, of course)!

While this doesn’t directly address your concern, thought it might be helpful, things to consider.
Both of us had prior marriages, children from prior marriages. My first spouse of thirty years skimmed assets, left me destitute, home had a third mortgage, he took in a ringer, posing as me, to obtain. I was left living in a car, court corrupt. I got a small amount of cash, just a few thousand left, eventually.
Fast forward. Remarried here, poor health, cannot work. My current spouse was not truthful about a lot of things. Including his finances, number of previous marriages. To protect myself, I had to claim early social security under him, as soon as I could, lest another prior wife beat me to it. His bank account was non-existent, he had gone to the bank of mom through the years, whenever he needed money. Mom now deceased, he still can’t handle finances. I have a small inheritance, much less than $100k, that is in a separate place he cannot access. If I outlive him, I will need every single penny of it. Not letting him have access. My mother left it to me. Since I’m the one handling finances here, daily bills, etc, I also have had to scramble at times when he was irresponsible. Example-he emptied most of his 401k to pay off this house. Refused to consider the tax consequences. I had to produce funds to pay back his remaining loan against his 401k, to prevent additional tax hit when he left his employer. Loan went into default, so I had to act. I am replacing the loan funds I loaned to house, so to speak, as it is going back into my retirement funds. Little at a time, I’m repaying myself. My earnings went to joint Kitty. He works as consultant to supplement our Social Security, which is a blessing. However, once I automatically send 20% of that into a quarterly tax escrow, and put monthly allotments into other escrow accounts for car and homeowners insurance, property taxes, his earnings aren’t what he thinks. We have very modest lifestyle, with both of us being sick, it’s challenging for me to keep bills paid, supplement insurance, meds costs, etc. he only looks at the initial consulting check and insists we should have so much more money than we have. In reality, after money goes into the various escrow accounts I’ve set up for the large, periodic insurance and tax expenses, we live on less than half the consulting income. The man has 1950s prices in his head, won’t even look at the true numbers, when I try to explain finances to him. He has no interest in the monthly cash flow spreadsheet I keep, so I know exactly what we have, the auto deductions, etc. I believe, in his mind, he thinks that I’ve got a big pot of money squirreled away. No, it’s a lot of hard work to budget and save. He has gone through periods when he has been abusive towards me. Not pretty. I’m not well enough to leave, so I am protecting myself as best I can. And that means financially as well.
My point is that things are not always as they seem. My spouse’s mind gives him this rosy picture of a pot of gold, with him having the luxury to spend, spend, spend. We have certain payments coming out of his Social Security money regularly. In part, to reign in his perception of how much play money he has.
This is not the best position to be in, but for my scrimping to put away money regularly set up to fund his 401k, he wouldn’t have had that to pay off the house. So, heck yes, my kids names are on my inheritance. I’ve done the best anybody could, with a Peter Pan spending away, even in retirement years. Should we need my inheritance funds, I have them. Pray I can leave the funds be as long as possible. You don’t really know a couple’s personal financial situation unless you are on the inside. If the guy’s a Peter Pan type, the spouse has to take action sometimes. I know he’s not going to be happy if he finds out, but it’s more important to me to preserve what I can divert. I have him set up with savings as well, should he outlive me.

I would be hurt too, but he might have a reason. Did he tell you why he did it? It seems the least he could do. Is he worried about all your joint capital being eaten up by the cost of caretaking for your mother and mother-in-law? He may be trying to protect assets.

My mom lived in her own house but many years before she passed, she deeded her house to the youngest of her three daughters, and set up a joint bank account with herself and that sister. Mom never wanted a nursing home to get the house and her life savings to the detriment of her children. A different situation, but there was a logic to it.

All three of us sisters will get the proceeds when our mother’s house is sold. Now I’ve been advised not to mix those funds with the joint assets I have with my husband, since he is several years older than I am, and in poor health, and we don’t need the money right now. I’m still not sure what to do. This money is the only “savings” I may have. I’m on SS disability and have been for some time. I am 65. I would rather not live in our expensive state, but my husband doesn’t want to move.

I would start by finding out what his reasoning is in keeping the legacy separate from your joint assets. He owes you that much. People can be funny about money, unfortunately.