I have been working for 6 months to help Mom get in to assisted living. This is something she wanted. She has called me many times over the years crying because she can’t manage, and I took her on tours, but she always changed her mind. Now 6 years later she has decided she really needs the assistance, so I got her in to a beautiful place. I did offer my own home, but she did not want that! Now 1 month later and she is moving back to her apartment! She has already phoned the movers and sent a letter to the management of the assisted living, that she is moving on August 25th! I get a phone call from the manager of the building telling me about the letter he has received. She was screaming at me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to go back. She is 94 years old, almost blind, can’t hear and has arthritis in her knees so she has trouble walking. In her apartment she will have access to supper 5 days a week but when she was there, she did not like their meals, now according to her their meals are fabulous! I have told her I am out! I feel so guilty. She tells me she is going to use the bus to go get groceries, she can’t see! She hasn’t used the bus in years!!! Plus, I never brought her groceries anyway (I did). I did doctors’ appointments, groceries, shopping for clothes, etc. According to her I did nothing! I also responded to all the calls for falls when she was in the apartment! I am so upset but talking to my brother and sister and reviewing our history we are beginning to think that she is a narcissist and wants everything to be about her. Am I horrible to abandon her, I don’t know!
Don't fill in the blanks with help, if she falls she will have to call 911, don't buy her groceries, no making her doctor's appointments, back off.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck, you have nothing to be guilty about.
With her issues she needs to be in AL. As for you offering her to move in with you...what the heck were you thinking?
If you stand firm she will be forced to move back into AL as she will be unable to care for herself.
Don't play her games and whatever you do DON'T LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!
Usually when the moving around, fussiness, and there's no pleasing the person it's because they really want to live with their adult children.
Let her go back to her apartment. Let her insist that she can do her grocery shopping and live independently.
When her own fussiness and stubbornness blows up in her face (and it will), you and your siblings don't go running to save her and clean up her messes.
She needs to be in AL and the only way she's going to go and be serious about it is if you and your siblings don't go around behind her propping up a false independence.
I know that you mentioned that she has narcissistic traits. Do you think that dementia may be an issue as well? She isn’t thinking very clearly. She has a lot of issues, too many to be living independently.
I think it’s sensible not to want to encourage her to believe that things are going to be smooth sailing from here on out.
Your mom made the poor decision to leave a facility that provided assistance. This must make you angry but also break your heart too. In spite of being upset about a parent’s behavior, I realize that you still want them to receive the care that they need.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Don’t fall for her tactics. Hopefully, she will see for herself that it isn’t feasible to live independently anymore.
From: ElizabethAR37
Oh my, I don't think mom's plan is going to work out very well--for her. As hard as it will be for you to disentangle, I agree with others who have posted. She appears to be competent so has the legal right to make her own decisions, unrealistic though they may be. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like she has the physical ability to carry out necessary IADLs without help. I hope she will come to that conclusion on her own without any unnecessary drama (or hospital visits). That might not happen right away after she moves back to her apartment, but it likely will happen.
Welcome into (or back into) the Awaiting a Crises Club.
LisaInJersey
8:45AM
I think stepping back is the way to handle this.
You helping her gives her the illusion that she is independent.
Do not help her pack up.
Do not help her unpack.
When she calls and asks for help tell her that you are busy.
When she calls and asks to be taken to the store...you have an appointment to get your hair done.
I have the feeling that when you do not help her pack for the movers she just might change her mind. (hopefully management will let her remain in her apartment.
You are not 'abandoning her. You are letting her do what she thinks she wants because she thinks she is more independent than she is.
Since she is deemed to be in sound mind, step back and let her make her own decisions even if they are bad ones. It takes some practice, but sometimes you just have to present a deaf ear to these tantrums. You've done all you can do at this point. I know, easier said than done.
(1) If you plan on totally walking away, then that works.
(2) But if you’re planning on still helping (a little), then whatever bad decisions she makes WILL land on you.
I fit in category (2). So I forced some decisions, not asking permission. It’s worked out. And potential bad decisions with bad consequences for me, were avoided.
Then let her call you. Then you can say, "Independent living means you can do things on your own Mom" Really, unless she is very very stubborn, she will soon realize she can't do it alone. You need to allow her to realize this. Looks like your family has ur back. Your just giving her what she wants, to be independent.
Is her apt still available.
I wouldn’t go out of town if I didn’t want to. I would just say, ‘No, I can’t help you now or in the future.’
As far as feeling guilty. Do you think she feels guilty for dumping all that work on you?
We understand your frustration. We are with you, support you and are cheering you on to do what is best for you!
Your mom forgetting so many things sounds to me like she could have some dementia. But that's really neither here nor there at this point. She needs to hit bottom and then maybe try to get her a diagnosis after that, if needed.
Don't accept any calls from her at this time. You said you're done, so be done. I seriously doubt she can pull this off. Moving is pretty complicated with a lot of things that have to happen in a short amount of time.
Best of luck.
"Oh that? You are still keen on that idea then?"
Give her the the space to change her mind.
If she does slip in she's decided to stay a bit longer in AL, just smile to yourself & mutter something like "Oh, OK then. Whatever you decide - it's up to you of course".
Does your mother ever call your siblings? Or are you the only one she ever calls? Since she's stopped calling you (at least for now), any chance she's calling at least one of them instead?