My dad, 90 yo, went to the ER because he had been vomiting and we were concerned he was dehydrated. He has dementia that has progressed quite a bit the last several years and the ER visit was really hard on him.
they found that he had a hernia causing a blockage in his colon and it had been there for several years. We had no idea, he never complained. He needed to have surgery, which I knew was going to be tough.
His recovery took a turn for the worse, he wouldn’t eat or drink. And communication was pretty much non existent at this time. So we had two options, feeding tube which he would never have wanted, or hospice.
He would have had to be sedated or restrained to have a feeding tube, he would have pulled it out.
We decided on hospice, which I feel was the right decision. But I can’t get it out of my head that if only he could have eaten, this may be different. I keep beating myself up about it. One of my brothers said maybe he’ll start eating when he’s in hospice and can calm down. I don’t think he understands the severity of the dementia.
I'm just lost.
Thinking about what might have been better is pretty useless. If he hadn’t had the unknown blockage his situation “might” have been different, but he DID have it.
Tube feeding can be pretty brutal, and at 90, any positive results are pretty unlikely. You had a bunch of choices, none of them good, and you made the choice that you felt was the best of all the bad ones.
You are gaining nothing for him or for yourself by beating yourself up. So right now, stop.
I need to tell you that once you approve a feeding tube it is all but impossible to get it removed; it is NOT comsidered heroic measure.
Feeding tubes lead to restraints, to diarrhea, to bed sores. Where is the upside? A few more months (years?)of torment? Because nothing is going to change or get better here.
Hospice is end of life care. I believe you are accepting that Dad has made it to the end, that the rest is torment until he comes to a final rest.
Interview Hospice;make your final decision. This will never be "certain" in your mind; not everything is easy with a positive "only" answer. We do the best we can and come to our own piece in the end when we have to make decisions. I think you know your Dad. Do what you believe in your heart and in your GUT he would want.
Oddly enough, your bro may be correct. Many patients, when medicated and relaxed and in their own environment improve a bit. You can't know.
You do not say that your Dad's hernia is obstruction. If it is, any feeding would only be a torment and without any benefit.
Best to you. I am so sorry. This isn't easy. But there is no magical way out of this. There is nothing that will turn back time.
I went through a similar situation when my 93 year old Mom passed away in January. I brought her to the ER because she was not herself. A UTI was identified and medication was started. She was admitted, but was forced to stay in the ER overnight because the regular beds were filled. She was not happy and wanted to go home. I assured her I would bring her home the next day. It never happened. I got the call in the morning her condition had deteriorated quickly. I later found out she was restless during the time I was not there, which may have caused her stress. I know what you are feeling. While I am glad I was with her in the final hours of her life, I will always kick myself for not being there during those crucial overnight hours. It may not have changed the result, but....
I do know one thing. I am very proud, as her son and caregiver, that I did my best on her behalf. My thoughts are with you.
you made the right call. I hope your dad is comfortable.
take care of yourself. my thoughts are with you all