I need to correct my profile, but I care for my MIL who is 90 and was diagnosed with early/mid-staged dementia.
She has always been vain, extremely gossipy, and self centered - but not in a horrid way. And she is never abusive.
After reading through the site, I worry that dementia always ends in an extremely mean, selfish and abusive person.
Has anyone cared for a person who stayed kind (or even) became kinder through the progression of the disease?
Thank you
A year ago, my mother was at times, belligerent to me and the caregivers. She would hide dirty clothes and deny ownership of puddles next to the bed and on the floor. Her behavior towards me was getting worse and I was becoming more impatient. She complained about the caregivers and the senior day care she was going to on a daily basis.
One year ago, I put my Mom into managed care. Her dementia has definitely gotten worse as she repeats her herself a lot, cannot track a plotline in a book or on television, and in general, has a hard time comprehending what is being said around her.
Whenever I see my Mom, she greets me happily. I nearly never see the argumentative or bully behavior that I used to see. She seems happy, although she is bored. If she had stayed in her own home, she would have been more bored, which would have led to aggression. Her caregivers say she is a lovely lady and she doesn't give them problems.
It could be the tone of the Memory Care Unit. I never hear anyone yelling or trying to get the attention of someone. Anyone who is in the "general" area usually has a caregiver nearby. They try and give each resident one-on-one time with one or more caregivers.
My Mom is actually nicer to me now, than any other time in her life.
I know that I'm a happier person. Because I am a happier person, I suspect that she is a happier person.
But, she is also selfish. Her window of knowing anything or anyone around her is getting smaller and smaller, so what other focus would she have but her immediate needs and wants?
Plus, how terrifying it must be to have flashes of abilities and then flashes of confusion. When aware, you know you are losing abilities and memories, when unaware, everything is a muddle.
That doesn't mean their behavior can't be problematic, though. He was a wanderer, there were several times when the police and/or my husband had to be called to look for him when he left the house and got lost. He often wanted, and tried, to "go home", though he was living in his home of almost 60 years. At the end he didn't know any of us, including his wife.
It's not always that the person turns into a monster, but it's always sad.
No, I don't believe it is the determined outcome. People just become more of which they are, IMO.
As others have said -- and interestingly, something my dad told me at least 20 years ago long before Mom developed dementia -- a personality gets magnified as we age. My dad never had dementia, but if possible, he was kinder and more loving as he aged, while my mother became more "crunchy" as she aged. She was also kind and loving, but she had her opinions and they became more unfiltered as the years passed. Overall she was still pretty nice and never lashed out at family, but her temper tantrums were more related to her existence declining into being one giant medical issue.
It's my opinion that while many people have told stories of those with dementia becoming someone markedly different from the person they used to be, to expect a person who has been a lifelong self centred gossip to become a kind and compassionate saint seems like wishful thinking. I think many (most?) of us become more selfish and less altruistic when faced with a life crisis because we're focused on the desire to survive with our life unchanged and intact. We may lash out in fear and confusion, we may rage at the hand life has dealt, and as dementia progresses we may genuinely forget life lessons and revert to childhood attitudes and prejudices because in our mind we ARE that child. As we lose our physical as well as the mental capacity to care for even our basic needs we essentially become as needy as a small child, and it takes a special kind of understanding and patience to cater to the whims and needs of someone who is not a child that will grow toward independence but the opposite of that.
PS - In many ways my mom became incredibly needy and self centred, she also never failed to be thankful for any little bits of kindness and comfort offered.
I'm a little crazier and more emotional (but I keep that under wraps as it drives DH nuts to see me have 'emotions'.
It's made DH crankier and less pleasant to be around. He's truly retiring this year and so far, retirement looks like sleeping until 1-2 pm. I'm halfway through my day by then! His only current hobby is wandering around Home Depot.
HIS mother is a complete harridan. No attempts made at even trying to be 'nice', much less enjoyable company. Nobody is surprised by this, but it's really, really hard for those who have to take care of her.
Both my grandmothers were sweeter and nicer as they grew old. It was a gift to be around them and for my kids to all remember them.
Thank you for taking the time to respond with your experience.
Dementia is really an ugly thing for most people. There are some elders, however, who do not become ugly, mean and hateful with their disease. But it seems to me that those were the people who were ALWAYS kind and sweet in the first place. Most neurologists will agree with that statement. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, however.
Hopefully you will hear from those exceptions who will comment with upbeat stories of their loved one with dementia who were very sweet and kind as time wore on.
Best of luck.
Was there anything you or the staff did that helped avoid the triggers for those negative behaviors? I've read the book by Jennifer Ghent- Fuller, but wasn't sure if her recommended responses helped neutralize the negative behaviors prior to starting or were only a best response to the behaviors?
Thank you again