My 90 year old mother is very demanding. I regularly get emotionally exhausted, from her criticisms. She could live many more years (A.L.) to complain, so I wonder if learning to detach would make me less vulnerable. Her phone messages are enough to ruin a whole weekend for me. Sometimes I'm fine for months, but her personality shifts, from docile to aggressive, at a moments notice, (& I never see it coming). Has anyone got tips on detaching, (being less "triggered" by mother's criticisms?) Thank you.
I have caller ID so I know who is calling. Don't answer let it go to voicemail. When you listen, try to ignore the complaints and just pick out the things you need to know. I have my cellphone set up that only my contacts ring thru. All others go to my voicemail. I don't know I even got a call till I look at the screen. When Mom starts to get negative, tell her you got to go. You don't have to listen to it and you shouldn't have to.
To expand a bit on detachment: At first, it feels very awkward and unnatural, and you may feel like you're betraying your LO as you claw your way out of emotional enmeshment. Don't give up. Stay after it.
I was groomed from puberty to be Mom's emotional caretaker. It was my job to be her barf bucket, always available to catch the endless negativity to process through my own juvenile brain. How convenient for her. (sarc). This lasted for decades. Once I adopted "gray rock," I had to keep reminding myself that detachment was like rain gear to protect me from the weather. Would I step out in the storm without it? Of course not!
Mom now has mid-stage dementia on top of her personality disorder. I can get away with putting her off, because her short term memory keeps worsening; perhaps that's something you can't do, as you didn't mention dementia with your mom. With "gray rock," I listen passively, without expression. Kind of a like a very boring, nonengaged person who never volunteers much and responds half-heartedly: "Really?" "I'm sorry you feel that way." "That must be awful." "I'll look into it." Sometimes I make a flat joke out of it: "Sorry Mom. You get 15 minutes to complain. Your time is up." Which of course annoys her, but sometimes it shuts her up for 2 minutes. Besides, the humor is a pressure valve for me. I'm not going to get her approval, no matter what I say or do; no matter how heroic my efforts. I do what I know is fair and appropriate in a calm, loving manner. There's no fixing a broken brain.
After lots of practice, "gray rock" becomes automatic. I hope it works for you!
Cheers
Her needs are being met by A.L. You will never satisfy her wants. Confine your efforts to necessities like doctor appointments (or enlist someone else to take her to those and report back to you concerning doctor's remarks, meds, etc. Beyond that, do what you really want to do and nothing more. With the exception of the doctor appts, which I still do, these strategies have worked reasonably well for me, protecting my health and sanity. Your mother is approximately the same age as mine; 90's and still going strong. Brace yourself for a long ride. Come back and tell us how it's going! Wishing you the very best!