Is anyone else surprised at their capacity to care for their loved ones?

I am sorry that many respondents misunderstood my original post. I haven’t found things to be “not as hard” as I thought. To the contrary, it has been harder than I thought it could be. I have found taking care of my mother to be heart-breaking and bone crushing at times.
Let me explain: At the same time that I took on the role of guardian and care-giver for my mother, my husband and father died, my only child (and helper) moved out of the house, my 16 year old dog was diagnosed with doggy dementia, and I will soon need surgery.
Mom has been hospitalized four times, is incontinent, and often forgets who I am. Additionally, she gets agitated and is sometimes combative. The police have had to be called and she has had to be physically restrained.
After managing to sell her house (from 600 miles away), I was recently able to settle her bills and get her into a nice memory care facility. I am sure that some might say that I am no longer her care-giver. Yet, I make the hour-long round trip to visit her daily and am constantly worried that she will be asked to leave because of her lack of compliance.
The point is that nevertheless, here I am... Still ever hopeful (and for me that is surprising)!

The first 1.5 years of caring for my in-laws was a piece of cake. By year 3, the cake was gone. By year 4, I was burning out and got sick. By year 5, I went to the doctor because I could no longer deny that something was wrong and my weight loss was apparent to a friend who hadn't seen me in a year after she moved. By year 6, I was on the road to recovering my health (yes, it took me over one *year* to recuperate). By year 7, I made a promise to myself to never repeat years 1-6.

I have surprised myself and all around me with how I have dedicated my life to taking care of my mom. I am one of three sisters, the middle one to be exact, and I have always been the “black sheep” or odd one out in the little clique that my mom and two sisters have had for many years. I was always left out of shopping trips or weekend plans for which I grew accustomed to over time. But when mom started showing signs of dementia or early stages of Alzheimer’s after my dad’s passing five years ago, my two sisters wanted to put her in a nursing home Immediately. I stepped up. I am in no way looking for a pat on the back or kudos. I am doing what should come natural for us as children. That is my opinion. My oldest sister would come to visit MAYBE once every 6 months and my youngest sister......NEVER. As heartbreaking as it is, my kids and I love on mom every day all day. because I would not have it any other way 😊

Yes, I am still surprised at the way mom declined and that I was able to handle the nearly impossible. I was my mom's only caregiver. After several bad experiences at 5 star rated nursing homes for rehab, I took my mom into our home on hospice for 8 months. The rapid decline lasted nearly 2 years and I was caregiving on various levels for 15 years. She was completely bedridden with a urinary catheter, and had a stage 4 tailbone wound gotten in the first rehab that they never told me about until she went to the hospital with delirium from a UTI. She also had fecal incontinence, which was a challenge with the wound so close, and I had to fashion barriers with gauze after cleaning her to keep that from becoming a problem. I learned to give insulin shots as well, and actually got the wound to heal 50%. She often had frightening visions, sometimes telling me the doorbell rang at 3 am or that there was a woman's head spinning around on her TV. I was always listening during the night and making sure her soft nightlight was on, which helped. She did have a wonderful hospice team, but they only came in 2-3x a week, so most all of this fell on me. During this time my husband and I also experienced some health emergencies. After my dear mom finally found peace, I barely got my footing back and was still trying to find myself when my husband's only sibling and sister who was living with MIL died, and I am now thrown back onto a slippery slope into some aspect of caregiving once again. What surprises me most is other's reactions to caregiving. They either understand you or think you are some kind of wimp and pushover. We caregivers are anything but that with all we face!

Sometimes I forget that I'm pretty amazing - it's only when I know my mom like the back of my hand and I'm able to spew off everything at the drop of a hat to doctors, nurses or whomever, that I fully appreciate how much I've done. Certainly MORE than I ever thought I could. It didn't start off like this. I have had people tell me that I should be a nurse. No thanks! The thing about it, sure, I'm good with my mom, but it's not the same with strangers. It just takes time to know everyone's intricacies.

During the time when I had to leave my home, family and state and move in with my mother, there were times when I rallied and did more than I thought I EVER could and then there were times when I couldn't move another muscle. I had to seek relief at her town's hospital for some ailments.

I was a daycare provider for years, took care of my mother through several bouts of pneumonia with COPD until she died of cancer. Took care of my husband through multiple surgeries, a systemic infection, brain tumor and hospice. So it was not a hard decision to care for my father now who has advanced dementia. I long ago lost my fear of pee and poop and other unpleasant things. I’ve learned how to give a shower to a person with limited mobility using a shower transfer bench. I’ve learned how to make life simple and predictable for my dad to decrease anxiety and he enjoys made from scratch meals suited to his palate and preferences. He’s kept clean and well fed and is I have respite care in place for when I have to go out. Yes, if you seek out help and you are committed, you learn how to do it and it can be very fulfilling. Thankfully my dad has not been combative ( he was a bit at first due to all
the changes In his life) and that makes my situation a lot more manageable too. It can be very rewarding knowing you are giving them a quality of care that you can’t get in a nursing home.

I wouldn't say I was surprised - I just kept saying, "I'll try." And somehow I managed everything. First I assisted my father for 7.5 years after my mother passed and I was there for his passing too.

Later my DH needed 24/7 care and I was there for him too. DH's children lived states away and really? They didn't want to take care of their Dad. I loved their father and I managed on my own.

The flip-side is the kids now expected me to hold their hands and I cut them loose. They were never mine, 2 of them being older than me, and they never accepted me either - so they can do whatever they want and I take care of only me now.

I am thankful I was able to tend to my DH - it was a blessing for both of us.

You are now feeling the blessing of being able to care for your Mother.
Bless you!

I thought I would be a good caregiver, patience, thoughtful, aware of her controlling and manipulative personality, I volunteered to give up work and friends to move to her house.

Turns out she pushed every button I have and I lost it several times before i finally got it through my thick skull that what she was doing wasn't her anymore, it was the disease.

So finally after 2 years I am the caregiver I thought I would be! and without my resistance Mom is a nicer person too.

Many of us have a capacity more than we thought at first. And if you want to be a caretaker, and can do it, that is fine - but not all of us are or want to be caretaker and many of us have other lives and responsibilities. My rule of thumb is this - they are not who they once were and nothing is going to fix that. They will get worse. If YOU want to be harmed by their behavior and words, fine but you are a fool if you allow it. I say when their behaviors and deeds start to have a big negative impact on you and your lives and family, it is time to move them out. Now is your turn to live life.

Often we can surprise ourselves in our ability to love and care for others. But you do need support, especially at home, by bringing in agency carers (from groups like Home Instead Senior Care [the name is based on home instead of a care home]). If agency helpers come in for one or two hours in the morning and/or in the evening, this gives you time to shop, see friends and keep a balance in your life. If you try to care entirely on your own, you will find that you burn out; and your loved one will end up in a care home or nursing home without you. Also, if you don't take care of your own needs, you will not be able to care for someone else. You need to be proactive and look not to the distant but to the immediate future and not try to do more care than is sustainable for you as a person.

I have been looking after my wife who is now eight years into Alzheimer's and confined to bed for the last year, but still at home and surprisingly calm and aware of her situation. She asked a recent visitor whom she had not seen for eight months, "How are you?" And when the friend replied, "Fine. How are you?" my wife replied, "Not 100%"--a very honest, sensible and friendly answer.

I have learned more from other carers than from doctors, social workers or health professionals. If you ask others who care for those who have the same illness as the loved one for whom you are caring, you will often get excellent advice. However, remember that you know best, because you know yourself and your loved one better than anyone else. You can be polite and still ignore advice that you do not find helpful. Often you have to try out possibilities for how best to sleep, exercise, eat and relax. Dr Rajan Chatterjee's "The 4 Pillar Plan: How to Relax, Eat, Move, Sleep" is quite outstanding in setting out goals for a healthy lifestyle both for caregivers and those they care for. Also, Michael F. Roizen and Michael Crupain with Ted Spiker's "What to Eat When: A Strategic Plan to Improve Your Health & Life Through Food" has many excellent suggestions and a comprehensive index. Reading often helps you to avoid problems, because you see how other people have dealt with similar problems.

We have up inside the entrance to our home a sign that reads: "Always remember . . . You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you know." I think this is true whether you see your strength as coming from God, from within yourself, or from the interaction of God's will with your will. We are all complex beings who live our lives on many levels--spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, social and sexual (SPIES-S). As we care for others we need to be aware of all these different needs, both for ourselves and those for whom we care. It's not easy, but it can be done.

If you have met one person with a chronic illness, you have met one person with a chronic illness. We are all different--all unique human beings. Life presents us with challenges; and we have a choice: face the challenge or hide from it? Once we decide to face a challenge, we are well on our way to becoming very good caregivers. Of course, our past relationship with that person will change; but love is still present in many ways. C. S. Lewis's book, "The Four Loves" is worth reading. The four loves are friendship, affection charity and Eros (the state of being in love)--easy to remember as FACE. But with many illnesses, especially all forms of dementia, you have to add a "S" for "Slowly," because you have to give the person who is ill time to take in what you are saying and consider how they wish to respond.

With my prayers and hopes for your continued happiness in your caring responsibilities. As my wife said to me yesterday, "We need as much happiness as we can get, because we need it."

Be encouraged.

Yes and no. I cared for my mother since she was diagnosed with dementia and cared for her for the following 5 years until she passed away. My mother abandoned me as a child and I endured horrific child abuse in the home where I lived. Regardless of all of that, I had always wanted a relationship with my mother so when she needed me most, I was there for her. As strange as it sounds, during this time, I never felt closer to her. God bless you for caring for your loved one. It can be a tremendous sacrifice for so many different reasons. I am grateful I had that time with her. Looking back you will be too.

I'm glad you are finding this path to be not so 'hard' as many of us have found.

A great deal has to do with the dynamic between parent and child. Some of us just...can't care the way they need and some of us don't want that in our lives.

I wish you the best in your journey, which will be yours, and not anyone else's. I hope your mom doesn't outlive your love for her.

Just wait until you have to change their diapers and induce bowel movements, and do so at a scheduled basis, then having to clean their vagina because poop got in there because if you don't they will get a urinary tract infection. A very serious one. If you never experienced these things yet--you do not even know the meaning of "caring for mom" -- also bedridden is a whole new ballgame. Been there, done that..and once they start it never stops until they die. Which can be years.

Do it for nearly 15 years in your home, years before that along with your father in their home.

It catches up to you. A year and a half is a very short time compared to decades for me.

Then it goes to being overwhelmed! Then burned out. Just saying, everyone has different circumstances so it isn’t a fair comparison.

Yes, everyone was surprised when I stepped up to the plate to care in home for our dying mother – including mother but not me. But it does depend on how long. In the UK tradition we talk about the ‘Dunkirk spirit’, of ordinary people rising to an over-helming need with total heroism (to evacuate the WWII troops, with thousands of little motor boats). It's still overwhelming, but there is a time limit!

That is a great question EverHopeful1. I was very surprised at how I Cared for my own Mother in Her own home for 3 1/2 years of 24/7 with no break but I guess I knew in my heart this would be my final expression of love and respect for this great Lady Who was my most loyal and faithful Friend Who had no rival for 56 years of my Life. Mom had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and to my astonishment the gratitude Mother expressed towards me was overwhelming considering Mom had been doing and giving to all of Us through out all of Our Lives. There are so many Champions Here on this great site Who Care for their love Ones out of sheer love and respect. It is a very tough shift no doubt about that but the joy You feel in your heart after your love one dies will bring you a great inner peace.

Totally!

True love and sacrifice helped me be my husband's only caregiver through dementia of 7 years until he passed. It was never easy and the hardest part was giving up care to a nursing home when I could no longer care for him at home. Through it all he was angry,
but grateful for me, therefore I know I did my best.

Yes, actually Im shocked at how loving I am, sometimes I think its easier than it looks and we are doing better than anyone realizes. I even wonder if Im being naive. Im caring for my older husband, who is both blind and physically disabled. He can furniture surf pretty good at home, its when we travel that I can really see his vulnerability.

Hi
You gotta know how lucky you are! Love can over come a lot of things.
I think you can draw on so many inner strengths that you dont need/use in your day to day until the situation arises and boom- you got this.

Me, Im on the other side of your problem- Which is why I think you should be so proud of yourself and enjoy your new found discovery.
I have the ability, always "had the role" in the family until they passed, one by one. I used the same talents to care for a mother who is just beyond anything you have ever been thru. My reaction, different than yours was- I can bring this, and it was used against me. Hence, I have walked away.
Be careful not to forget you in all this-take care of your self or it will sneak up on you. When you have nothing, you cant give anything.
Enjoy, be well! Rock it!!!!!