While she has always been a little prickly with people, I was probably the closest to her and had been talking and visiting regularly, She is in her 80s and still lives alone in her condo. A few years back, she began to show signs of paranoia. Someone coming into her crawlspace, claims of money missing, someone killing her cat when it was found Ok, horrible claims about her neighbors, etc. I now know I probably shouldn't have, but I did try to talk sense into her. Then about 3 years ago we had an incident where she caught me talking to one of her "dreaded" neighbors and since then she won't see or talk to me other than responding to me with an occasional nasty email. She will talk to my brother and treats him well but won't see or meet with him either. I suspect she is hiding her living conditions and doesn't want to be removed from her home. I've let her know I am here when she needs me and she has communicated she knows that and will use me when she is ready. Her home is very secure with no access to be able to just drop by. I am concerned about her, but it is also a horrible feeling that my mother basically despises me. Is anyone else dealing with something similar?
Put aside your feelings that mom despises you and realize it's dementia and/or mental illness at work here. Obviously the dementia can't be all THAT bad if she's still able to shoot of nasty-gram emails, however. I dealt with my mother for well over 6 years with her dementia, and she said some of THE most horrible things to me you can't even imagine. But what I figure is this: I lost my 'real' mother long before she left the Earth; I lost her to the disease of dementia which robbed her of who she once was & any logic she was once in possession of. The dementia turned her into a suspicious and nasty person who insisted the world was 'against' her and nothing would convince her otherwise. She's at peace now, and for that I'm grateful.
Until your mother arrives at perfect peace, have the police and/or APS check on her to see what's going on inside her fortress.
Wishing you the best of luck.
1) Ask for a police or APS check on living conditions.
2) Contact the Condo owners/ managers and suggest that they do a check on Condo condition.
3) Let mother continue to call the shots.
The chances are that you are right, she won’t let you or your brother in because she’s ashamed of her living conditions. It doesn't necessarily mean that she despises you.
I certainly hope others might have more insights or experiences with this kind of scenario to offer you. Best to you in this heartbreaking situation.
Just make sure she doesn't use you to be her maid or caregiving slave.
Sometimes it's part of tuning out socially overall. Paranoid thinking causing distrust of everyone.
Sometimes blame aimed only at next of kin or POA. Sometimes revoking POA. If that person was the eldest adult child, they may move down the list to the next suitable adult child. Once children are exhausted, nieces & nephews start getting calls. The kindest or most sympathetic sounding becomes the new favourite - for a while.
Arranging 'other eyes' to check in can be beneficial if the main person is no longer able to. Eg using Condo Manager, other relatives or Social Welfare Agencies.
Yet he still is her executor. Not looking forward to THAT hot mess when she passes.
We did hear this kind of second hand, and his feelings are that if his mom is trying to get him to divorce me over his inheritance, she can go ahead, but he sure doesn't want to do all the crappy work that an executor does.
What cahoots did she suspect you of being in with the neighbour?
She had always blamed her neighbor for damaging her property, crawling around in her crawl space, listening in on her phone calls, dumping their weeds over the fence, stealing data and other things (including her cat which was later found in her house). One day after I was visiting her, he had left a note on my car to talk which was the only way he knew to reach me. She saw that he had left me the note and from there it was all downhill between us. She never believed we weren't in touch before that.
-- Do something to relieve the stress. I hang with friends who understand and also go to the gym. The physical exercise provides a great outlet.
-- Don't blame her for her actions and words. She may have dementia or other form of cognitive impairment.
-- Identify when your mother was still her old self. That's your mom. She is still in there. Love and care for that person.