Is anybody a caregiver to a loved one with religious obsession?

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Is anybody a caregiver to a loved one with religious obsession?

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A strange question but I think a valid one. My aged father is consumed with Catholic guilt as he's getting nearer to the end of his days. He talks constantly about the end of the world and predictions of The Blessed Virgin and how we're all sinners. I'm a practicing Catholic but I'm no way as obsessed as he is. He drives my siblings mad to the point where they either lose their temper at him, or just not talk to him.
Is this a dementia thing?

Alzheimer's & Dementia End of Life Family Caregiver

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Better that than violence and/or inappropriate sexual advances. Thank him for his concern, assure him you will pray upon his comments, suggest he say a rosary and that should occupy him for like 20 minutes or he'll drop off for a nap. My mom watches the EWTN religious network 24/7 and engages everyone in theological discussions about the shows. Much preferable to the elderly habits that sometimes crop up of throwing food and inappropriately grabbing at their caregivers.

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dementia patients due tend to fixate on certain things. remind him that yes we are all sinners and that in the end God will take care of us. I am not catholic so I don't know all the ins/outs of that religion but I do believe that in the end God will be there to forgive us. Maybe ask him things about in his past, what he did when younger, his jobs, etc. it might work for a little bit, other than that you might just have to try to ignore him or walk into another room for a little bit. I know its frustrating. wishing you luck.

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Having a priest come to the home to hear his confession and administer the anointing of the sick (use to be called last rights) could be helpful for him. If you feel comfortable with extra in home visits, many churches also have deacons that can come visit and talk with dad. Between all the negative news, the pandemic, and worldwide upheaval, dad may actually believe that judgement day is near. Tho hard to hear it again and again, he has a need to say it. Does he have a rosary? He may find comfort in saying it, just one more thing that was hammered in our heads when younger. He can also have holy communion brought to him. Best of luck, he's blessed to have you in his life.

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Nazdrovia: Perhaps your father could have a virtual visit with a priest. Prayers sent.

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I’m not Catholic but we all have a need to confess sin. Maybe he needs to do this and have reassurance. Can a priest speak with him? Can he follow up by writing him a letter about their conversation so your dad can refer back to it and know it he confessed and his sin has been forgiven? God bless you as you care for your dad.

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My dad thought he was committing mortal sins. I would take him to mass and confession every week. He wasn't able to commit any sins because he had dementia. Going to confession and mass always calmed him. The priests were wonderful. One day during confession, the priest told my dad to give me a kiss for his penance which was wonderful for me. I always took my dad to mass and confession until he had a stroke and ended up in hospice at home.

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While I was reading the accounts, I was reminded of my late SIL, she was Catholic and knew she was on her death bed. The family was gathered and all of a sudden she said she had something to confess. We all settled down to listen to her confession. She said it was her and her cousin Kathleen who drove Grandpa's Model T through the back of the barn. Her siblings said they already figured that out, LOL. You never know what people hold in their minds.

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Why don't you arrange for a priest to visit him. It can probably be done via Skype, or Zoom, or by phone, or email, or you do not feel comfortable with an in-person visit.

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Dear bevthegreat,
Once again, you've given some good advice to Nazdrovia. The responses you've given other Caregivers always includes some great answere s and ideas. I am glad you are here for us.
Happy New Year,
John

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I am a life long Catholic in my 60's, and was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ in the summer of 2016. Those of us from the 50's-70's were taught all about Catholic Guilt. It has never left me. I did go to confession and was anointed when I was diagnosed and unloaded my burdens and got back to a clean slate, which now continues to be dirtied, That and anointing are good for the conscience and soul. Now, I know I can only reliably remember I am a sinner and ask for forgiveness. I believe I've enteredmidstage of ALZ and accept it all, keep praying and attending Mass. I know my family will keep bringingme to Mass as long as they are able to do it, as I no longer can drive, by surrendering my license on my own volition nobody has had to tell me, that was 10 mos ago. Prayers for all of our patients and Caregivers.

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Thankyou for your kind words

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My short answer is allow room for him ( or anyone) to have their beliefs. Why your siblings would be furious at him says more about them than it does about his personal religious beliefs. No need for judgmental intolerance to others beliefs. As many others pointed out it’s also very natural for one approaching end of life to think about God and spiritual beliefs. Try being patient- understanding of this and since you mentioned your catholic, has it occurred to you to arrange for him to talk with a priest??

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Yes it has occurred to me thanks. He d as go to confession .

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If he has not always been obsessed with religious guilt, it is probably that he realizes the nearness of his transition to another place and that can be very scary. I would suggest have his favorite priest visit and council him and give him any necessary rites. Losing your temper doesn't help you or him so try to comfort him and as others have said remind him of the forgiveness of Christ.
Blessings to you and your family on this journey.

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Thankyou

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Definitely have a priest visit, hear his confession, and give him the anointing of the sick!

These will bring definite spiritual and emotional comfort!!

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Can your father engage in conversation about why he feels so much guilt? Sometimes speaking one's fears out loud helps reduce the anxiety.

If your father describes a specific thing for which he feels guilty, ask if he thinks God (or Blessed Virgin or whatever figure is obsessed about) can forgive him for that transgression.

Tailor conversations to a level your father's dementia lets him understand.

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Another thing he seems to be fixated on which worries me is. I think that he feels he was dominated by women from a very early age His mother was quite incapable of nurturing him, but also very harsh in discipline.. She had her favourites out of 6 boys. That seems to be a thing which has stuck with my Dad as now he can't tolerate strong or assertive women. Hates women taking over everything these days. So his feeling a of Guilt and sin are very contradictory to these mysogonist views.

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Any time he starts talks about being a Sinner and the end of the world. Don't get angry with him. It's only right especially for a person nearing their time here on earth to think about.

But instead of any negative talk, discuss how much Jesus loves him and remind him of the cross where Jesus gave up his own life to save all of us sinners.

Hsve him pray directly to go for forgiveness of his sins.
Read the Bible to him letting him know if he believes, confess his sins that he will be forgiven.

Rwas about the love of God.

Read to him from the Bible about Heaven and assure him that he's going there because his Jesus already paid the price.

If you're not using Music Therapy, you should play relaxing Christian Music for him.

Tell your siblings to Grow Up...
One day it'll be them lying in bed dying.

Give Love while Dad is still alive.
I'm sure Death is a very scary thing to handle.

Prayers

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Thats wonderful advice. Thanks very much ❤

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Nazdrovia- An elderly family friend became more focused on religious matters after entering a nursing home and as his health declined further. He often spoke of God, expressed that he was God, spoke of the beauty of God he saw in everything. All conversations came back to God. I believe his anxiety and fear of death caused this preoccupation. I think it was simultaneously his attempt to calm himself while also coming to terms with his own death. Try to have patience with your Dad and realize that he is like a frightened child in a grown man’s body, coping as best he can.

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Thankyou yes. I do need to be more patient.

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Faith and ritual are supposed to be comforting. Unfortunately, dementia added to the ideas of sin and guilt and impending death can strip the comfort from Catholicism. I think a visit from one of your parish's priest is a great idea, especially if he can provide some forgiveness. You might want to discuss ideas for new religious rituals with the priest as well. He might suggest some positive, non-guilt-obsessed reading, for example. Have you tried interrupting your father mid-rant by starting to recite the Act of Contrition? That one is hard-wired into every Catholic over 50's consciousness: "O my God, I am heartily sorrily...". We all keep going. You might get sick of hearing it, but it might calm him down. Good luck.

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Good ideas there. 😊

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Most likely what your dad is experiencing is dementia fixation. Dementia patients get very fixated on a subject.
You might try changing the subject to something else he takes interest in or turning on a TV program he likes.
When my dad gets fixated on sad memories, and he will, I talk to him about golf or fishing. He can change the topic quickly and get out of the negative fixation.
Give his hands something to do too. Ask him to fold a stack of smal towels or dust a table. Keep him busy. He will stop fixating so much.
You can also talk to his doctor, perhaps anti depressents can help too. If the talk is constantly end time chatter, he might be depressed.
Hope these suggestions are helpful.

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They are. Thank you

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Priests will come to your home for whatever valid reason.
Don't hesitate to call your church secretary to arrange for
an appointment.

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Whole I am not directly a care giver for someone with this type of religious conviction, my neighbor discussed a very similar situation when she was care providing for her now ex-father-in-law. She said that he was always preaching but never as much as he neared his passing. He was obsessive and everyone around him were sinners, as if he did no wrong because he read his Bible, said the rosary daily, did his Hail Mary's, etc. But, like you she was a practicing Catholic, but, it became quite clear to her she could not handle it and would end up leaving the room. Many people with dementia will have a one track mindset, and will repeat what is familiar to them, or sometimes fear of dying without making their own lives right as it is finally realized they have sinned themselves and want to make sure those left behind will be saved. While it is frustrating my neighbor said the best thing you can do is let it go in one ear and out the other, have your own mindset you will not get upset and leave the room whenever you can, making excuses of necessary to get a breather.
Best wishes to you and your family

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That's wonderful advice and great observations bc it's so true. Thanks for that.

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People of faith get dementia as do those without faith since 75% of people 75 years old and older have some dementia. What you are describing is what I call circular thought, or "stuck thought," where the person seems to be obsessed with a particular idea, thought, or event.

My grandmother had a bit of that when she would obsess about a family falling out that was decades old - and resolved! She was still mad at the people who she thought did her dirt. I tried reminding her of the last time she saw those family members and how they had a lovely time together. I also reminded her that she needed to let her anger go and forgive them. Eventually, I would remind her that "we decided to forgive them" and change the subject or try to divert her attention to another activity.

Your father is having similar "stuck thoughts" about his "guilt", about the end of (his life) world, and whatever beliefs that go with these thoughts. Since your father is Catholic, I suggest he have some regular sessions talking with his priest of a counsellor from his parish. The priest or counsellor can get him to discuss whatever he feels guilt about, pray together, and record that your father is a forgiven man in Christ. Having something that your father can focus on that reminds him that he is forgiven and has a wonderful eternity waiting for him may help with his fears.

If your father is having a lot of anxiety and agitation, as many folks with later stages of dementia do, he may benefit from a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication. It will help him to relax and may loosen this fear of guilt.

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Thanks Taarna. Something you mentioned about your Grandmother always remembering dirt that was done to.her. when my Mum was dying in.hospital 2 yrs ago, My Dad asked his priest to come and say prayers with us. My Sister in Law was there and is not a Catholic. The prayers went on a bit. Anyway at the end of it,my dad apologized to.my sister in law bc it took so long. Well she went off her head bc she felt that he singled her out for being non Catholic and felt he had to apologize to her. She stormed out of the room. It upsets my father greatly still that she behaved this way and he still finds it hard to forgive her. I can see both sides but he should just let it go.

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It would be if it were apparent in other parts of his life. My family is Catholic, and I am a practicing one.

I would guess it’s fear of dying with no tangible proof that our souls go somewhere after we die. Maybe he’s looking for comfort and certainty that he will wind up meeting St. Peter.

Mother Teresa was supposedly possessed by the devil towards the end of her life and had an exorcism. I think it was fear of the unknown, but who am I to say. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/sep/07/lukeharding

Maybe say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when he starts up. That acknowledges he has the right to his opinion. No need to say much else.

I have noticed my parents (& me as well) calm down when we say the rosary together watching it on EWTN or saying it along on a YouTube video with a rosary in hand. They’re upset the next day, but it makes them say the rosary again.

Good luck!

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Dad says the Rosary daily and the Divine Chaplet.

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This is a tough one--I am not Catholic, but had a good friend who was and I'd tag along to catechism classes with her, until the priest kicked me out b/c I would ask questions and those weren't allowed. I wasn't being the least bit disrespectful, just curious and he didn't have answers that satisfied me.

As people age, they OFTEN become just 'more' like themselves. Deeply religious people often cling to the one thing that gives them hope, esp as the face death. The ? as to whether or not there's anything after 'this' is one of the greatest human conditions.

I hope you can get your dad to calm down--perhaps with meds and talking to his priest. I don't know how confession 'works'--can you do a blanket confession or does it need to be specific, b/c that would be impossible!

I daresay your dad is a sweetie and is bringing guilt upon himself that he doesn't need to suffer.

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Thanks for that. I don't if I'd call my.Dad a sweetie. But he does have many good qualities. He is much too hard on himself but now at the end of his life he feels the need to be that way. He troubles me when he says he has done some terrible things in his day. Well maybe he has. But I'm no Angel either.
Sometimes I challenge him but usually i either listen or time out when he goes on about the same thing every day.

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Naz, mom was in a NH. There was a kind and wonderful geriatric psychiatriatrist who came a couple of times a month to visit patients.

Mom had been prescribed antidepressant meds post stroke while in acute rehab. Her geri psych (the one she saw in Independent Living) had long recommended them, but mom said no.

I signed off on the initial meds as Health Care Proxy during the time she was in rehab and I don't recall that anyone asked mom what she wanted after that.

Possibly technically unethical, but I would have done anything to stop mom wringing her hands and raising her BP.

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This is what I am inclined to believe as well.

Her dad’s struggle with religion is deeply effected by his mental health issues.

Nothing is registering in his mind. He’s stuck in gear. He could probably find relief with the right meds.

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My very wise dad once told me that whatever is a person's strongest personality trait seems to get magnified as they age. As he got older, he became even more gentle and kind, and spent his last days calling old friends to tell them how much they meant to him.

My mother on the other hand, has always had what I'd call a "spirited" personality, but now she's a really cranky old woman who has nonetheless earned the right to be crabby. She's a lot to take, though, and I'm thankful every day for her caregivers who still think she's a hoot even when she's flipping them the bird.

Not to say that religious faith is annoying, but it seems that it's your dad's most intensely ingrained personality trait, so here he is with it getting more and more amplified as he gets older and closer to death.

I have no real advice for you, except to consider going toe-to-toe with him once in a while and challenging his statements. Tell him that the world ends for everyone eventually, and that's the "end of the world" as far as you're concerned. (That's the explanation I choose to believe at least.) If he's not suffering from dementia where you can't reason with him in any way, I'd say you should call him on some of his stuff. I think he's looking to be comforted, and perhaps you just need to offer some reassurance in firm statements that God is watching out for him and forgives him for his sins.

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Id say he has dementia though I'm.not sure to what degree. I have challenged him on several occasions about his rantings and ravings about the Blessed Virgin. But most times i just tune out or go yeah yeah but that gets old after a while.
See, my Dad reckons he's been a rotten person for most his life, and while I don't argue with that, he's also been an.incredibly kind and compassionate father and husband to my Mum and us 3 kids.
But now his memory is very bad, his hearing is worse and his ability to do the simplest things he was once so good at, he was so smart, is now gone.
It's very sad.

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My Catholic mom, consumed by anxiety, and in the throes of dementia, has insisted on Pre-Vatican 2 rules recently.

Some of these include food rules about fasting and abstaining from certain foods on certain days. She certainly didn’t adhere to them pre-dementia.

Some of it may be due to memory issues, but some of it, to me, is about exerting control over her uncooperative body.

I wish you the best.

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Probably not relevant, but I was very curious about ‘predictions of the Blessed Virgin’, as there is nothing about this in the Bible. I found that they started in 1917 with the Fatima ‘apparitions’ to three Portuguese shepherd boys, and have been coming thick and fast in the last few years. The dire warnings sound more like Jim Jones than Catholicism. Just be re-assured that this is simply the way that your father’s brain is deteriorating. The sun is NOT ‘dancing and moving about erratically in the sky’, as per the shepherd lads.

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I sure agree. This is kind of religion getting warped by the condition of the person practicing it. Dad just isn't mentally what he once was I am guessing, and somehow this obsession, as N. so correctly labels it, has just taken over. I hope that they can change it back to the "kinder gentler Mary" which is the way the Catholic Church has typically portrayed the Mother of Jesus. She is the one they normally pray to to intervene on their behalf with her son.

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I think it is sad that some of the older Catholics still so believe in last rites, and in the need for confession and forgiveness, and N. it is so sad that your Dad forgets he was forgiven. Just remind him, and tell all the GOOD things, let him have his little altar to Mary, or whatever, as I believe old believers believe she intercedes for everyone. Remind your Dad that all humans are imperfect and it is only required that we seek forgiveness for mistakes and learn, and reassure him that he has. I am sorry his faith is not now a comfort for him, but a torment. I agree on the "catholic guilt" thing and for some, in the old days, the schools had a rather harsh rule by some of the nuns. I think in extreme old age and dementia there is a tendency to return back to those harsh times. Just fine all the passages you can in the new testament on love and forgiveness and his place in heaven, anything that can comfort him. You may enjoy the beauty and poetry of the passages yourself as well. Hope things go better and hope you will update us.

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Thankyou so much Alva. 😊❤

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Nazdrovia,

He’s seriously misguided in his beliefs. It’s very sad.

I don’t know if you can convince him of anything because he has dug his heels in. He believes what he believes or he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know!

You know the truth and I think it is wonderful that you aren’t influenced by his belief system which is not only inaccurate but destructive to him and works on your last nerve.

By the way, your husband sounds like a gem!

Vent all you like. We understand how you feel and can empathize with you.

Most of us know people who have the same attitude that your father has.

It’s a shame that he is so close minded. I truly feel that this is his core personality according to the information that you offered but I also believe that cognitive decline makes the situation worse.

What are your feelings on him taking medications to possibly help control his emotions about certain subjects?

Would he consider taking medication to ease his anxiety?

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I have seriously considered getting him medicated for his anxiety over these issues. It's just getting him to agree to.take them. He doesn't see a problem with his thinking/obsession. He reads all this religious stuff constantly and is convinced that we'll all be dead from.the Armageddon soon. If I told you some of the crazy stuff he comes out with, I'd be here all day. He's just on one big Catholic guilt trip and he's dragging us all along with him.
He has been fasting x2 days a week for penance for a while now and has lost a fair bit of weight. Yesterday he passed out after a walk, so I'm concerned that his blood pressure is very low and his potassium levels are low also.

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One of the major symptom of my mother's vascular dementia was anxiety. She also had aphasia from a stroke, so she had difficulty expressing herself. Her major sources of anxity were "Catholic guilt" and the IRS. NO AMOUNT of explanation or calming talks with her priest worked.

Antidepressant and antianxiety medication did wonders for her and gave her peace at the end of her life.

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Thanks Barbara. It sounds very much like my father. Nothing I say or anyone else says, will stop his ranting. I have thought about getting him medicated but it's how to.get him there that's the problem, assessed etc. He just won't bend.

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Is anybody a caregiver to a loved one with religious obsession?

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