My parents were 60 (mom) and 59 (dad) when they moved in with me in 2020. I am the youngest of 6 adult children. I have a husband (we married at the beginning of 2020-4 months before the move) and we share an 8-year-old daughter. They are still able to do things for themselves so I have not assumed the role of caretaker (yet), but their declining health makes it so neither of them can hold a full-time job. My mom works part-time on minimum wage, and my dad works as a handyman taking odd jobs but has been out of commission for months due to needed surgery on his hands. We pay all the household bills so they are able to handle their needs and 1 or 2 bills they have. But my concern is I don't see them ever achieving financial independence again, and I am trying to wrap my mind around how long we are going to be sharing space and eventually probably provide for them financially too (they have no wealth or retirement savings left). They're good tenants and help out a lot around the house but they come with challenges you can expect of cohabitation (privacy, overstepping, using too much space, etc). None of my siblings have enough room for them except my 2 brothers. 1 wouldn't due to the size of his family, and 1 would due to him being an empty nester-but he lives on the other side of the country and my mom won't move away from her 13 grandchildren. I don't know why I'm posting this other than to get tips and advice for how to create a future plan that doesn't involve so much sacrifice on my family's part (I wish that didn't sound so selfish, but it's not just me who's affected by this-it's my husband and daughter too)... Some context, my dad was never a good provider growing up, he was flaky with jobs, and we were evicted a lot and had to move around a lot (4 elementary schools, 3 middle schools). My mom always gave 110% of anything she had for her kids and sacrificed/turned down a lot of opportunities to be there for her family or follow her husband on his next endeavor. Anything we do for my mom has to inherently include my dad. My mom is a joy to live with and be around, my dad can be very challenging to live with, which is why none of us stayed living at home after the age of 19, and none of us have ever relied on either of them financially after that.
Part of me knows it's their fault they're in this situation (both of them, him for not securing their future, and her for constantly choosing to submit and follow him); and the other part of me feels an obligation and duty to say so what? And take care of them forever... I could come up with so many excuses for their situation, products of poverty (both) and immigration to U.S. at 17 (mom) made it hard for them to get ahead, and culture made them neglect their health until it was too late. But all I'm left with is it's not fair. It's not fair that my siblings (oldest is 10 years older then me) have all gotten more time to make their own lives and still have it. It's not fair that my parents have not only not given us a headstart in life where we wouldn't be reliant on debt and painstaking grit to get ahead, but now they've become a burden at a very young age. It's not fair that my husband has had to give up a lot of his space in his own home to make room for their stuff. It's not fair, but... I know in my heart it's the right thing to do and I have to fight against these feelings... I just know that I also need to start planning for the future where they inevitably depend on me more, not less...
Has anyone else experienced this at a young age or maybe even younger? Thanks for any non-judgmental tips or advice for me to make my peace with this new reality.
You are not responsible for your parents. Let me repeat that.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENTS.!
You are starting a life of your own.
Make better choices than they did.
Support yourselves, save for your future and your children. Make plans for your future. Learn a lesson from your parents. SAVE for the "what if's" in your life.
You can help your parents by finding resources that will help them help themselves. If you support them now it will not stop!
Caring for an adult is significantly different than a child so it is not accurate to use the old, "they cared for me" card. If your parents didn't plan financially, that is not your fault and you shouldn't have to destroy (or at least impact) your own financial future because of them. I know I wouldn't want to put my own kids in that position.
With that said, I don't think the answer is to kick them out on the street. You need a plan with all of your siblings where everyone contributes. Maybe you could all contribute financially so they could live somewhere independently or they spend some time at each sibling's house. There is also government housing and benefits that could help them provide for themselves if they can't work.
Most importantly, do something now. Don't wait until they need more hands-on care as it will be even more difficult to get your siblings to help.
I will add I am not a millennial. I am a life-loving, grateful for everything I have, parent, wife, and daughter who has had to balance (having) providing my kids with the best possible future and caring for an increasing (and now totally) dependent mother for 23 years.
I can feel from your words that you are really trying to help, and I salute you especially for trying to do that as there is no inheritance.
But in trying to do this, at your age, you might forego life goals. such as for yourself, having a baby between the two of you. Maybe even your marriage, and especially so if your 8-yo is your biological child that you share with an ex. Careers too can be like this--often the best opportunities do occur before one is 40.
I strongly recommend that you tell your parents that going forward, they are to pay you rent at 30 percent of what they now make. If they can't pay for their personals or their cell phone or whatever, then they will have to up their hours to pay for it.
Even so it is not a child's job to make up for a parents poor planning and short comings. Just because a parent does it for a child, it is their duty as a parent to do that, same is not true for children.
Answer: "YES!!!"
Get them out of your house STAT!
https://www.hhs.gov/answers/programs-for-families-and-children/what-services-are-available-to-the-disabled-elderly/index.html
29 is pretty young to take on this responsibility of having your parents live with you. It can work, but you might do better with setting boundaries? Not easy but doable.
-I don't have enough space on my property to build an in-law suite nor will my HOA allow it. We converted our great room downstairs into a room for them, which has plenty of room for their stuff-they also have a storage unit. They come upstairs to use the shower and laundry room. We also share the kitchen. A sticking point for me is my dad uses a lot of the garage space for his 'tools' because I didn't agree to give them that space when they came. It's not out of the question for us to sell our home and buy a home that has an in-law suite in the future (long future when my parents are actually old)
-The main motivation for moving them down was because of their health. A few have asked why my mom won't work more... They are both very sick-arthritis in the legs, diabetes, neuropathy, etc. My mom is exhausted and in pain after her part-time job every day and sometimes needs a cane to walk. My dad made a big announcement 2 years before the move that they would be moving back down here, but no progress was ever made. I feared that they didn't have much time left, especially after their covid bout, if they stayed up there alone as we witnessed their daily decline. What also worries me is their memory problems and lack of technical understanding, because it's an early sign of cognitive issues and risks of scamming. My mom asked so I made the leap out of faith because I thought it was more important to have them down here close to family than for me to be uncomfortable for a little while. My husband agreed. My daughter was elated.
-Yes, my dad does not submit to women well, he's gone behind me to my husband when he thinks he can get a better answer from him. He likes to recommend useless (in my opinion) improvements to our house and I'm mostly against them. And he can be manipulative to get what he wants. My husband and I always say we need to talk to each other about it first before agreeing to anything.
-A few of my siblings have helped my parents (mostly mom) in the past, but never for this long. It drove my sister to a very dark place the last time she did it because she was caught in between a bad time in their marriage and was single with no kids at the time so my dad asserted even more 'authority.'
-My parents can be very helpful, my dad is a skilled handyman and self-taught mechanic but has always had a problem giving his services away for free... especially to family. I find him working more to help my siblings with things than actually working to save them money. He tries that with us, but I want them to know that we mostly don't need the help.
-We really don't need their income to help with household bills. The only thing that has cost us more with them here is monthly utilities. I really don't like accepting money from anyone for anything but work, especially from family. So my biggest offer of help for them was to let them keep their money to save up. But my dad goes long stretches without working and he has a spending problem (an old habit). He buys things that aren't necessary but he swears he needs for 'work' or 'the house.'
-Hubby doesn't really mind them being here. He says he'd do it for his own parents if they needed it (they probably never will need it). His only issue is if he feels disrespected. It bothers me more because it brings up repressed memories.
My biggest takeaways from all your amazing tips:
-My immediate family will continue to come first.
-I am part of the problem and the solution.
-There are many resources available for my parents to become independent again, I will do the legwork to find those and get them connected.
-Get them on every low-income housing waitlist out there.
-1: Stand up to my parents, tell them this wasn't my plan for my young family.
-2: Stand up to my siblings, tell them the burden will be easier shared.
I way to go:
See if your parents qualify for Medicaid and HUD housing. Help them apply for public aid so they can live on their own as much as possible.
Another way to go:
Create a "mini apartment" in your home that is "theirs." Should include bedroom and bathroom. It would be the area that they mainly inhabit. The kitchen could be a shared space. The other areas of the house are your family's. Talk regularly together - husband, you, parents, and children - about needs and adjustments. Create and put into action plans that help everybody based on these gatherings.
Ask your siblings if they have any ideas for caring for your parents outside of your home. Perhaps come up with a plan of sharing the cost of an assisted living facility or senior retirement community. They need to share somehow with their care. Check for government programs that may give them other living options for seniors, though they may be too young to qualify for many.
And no, you don't sound selfish at all for wanting to have a normal family life with your husband and daughter like your siblings have been able to enjoy.
-nester or a 79 yo senior yourself.. the tale is the kinda the same.
Mom & Dad can't paddle so well so have hitched their canoe onto yours to be towed along.
The future you described as they age is you having to completely pull their canoe.
Swap out the word *canoe* for *responsibility*.
Many cultures do consider 60 as old & many cultures live in are multi-generational ways.
But where I live, eligibility for a Govt aged pension was from 65 - has now upped to 67. You must support yourself until then, or if unable to work for heath reasons, apply for a disability allowance.
Where you live, are they eligible for some sort of state pension or disability allowance?
I would look into advice: financial & elder specific. They may be options for low cost senior housing.
Regarding your siblings. YOU have as much right to not house your folks as any of them. The notion the youngest daughter is expected to be carer (& often not marry) is a VERY old-fashioned idea (2 centuries ago!) Is this what you are dealing with?
There ARE other options nowadays. BUT it may be you will have to find them as Mom & Dad are quite comfortable where they are & will see no reason to change from the comfortable assisted living they now have.
Investigate and apply for benefits - federal and state.
Contribute a percentage of their weekly income to you and your husband - gets them back in practice to pay for their own needs, even if it is a token amount.
Take responsibility for some tasks around the house - and do them. Sounds like your dad will try to do what he wants to do and if he loses interest in something he will let it slide.
Your parents aren't going to make big changes in their way of being in the world, so you and your husband need to work together to get your parents to get back on their own feet again and support themselves...brainstorm with siblings about how they can help - maybe contribute to a savings account for your parents to cover initial apartment rental costs, maybe pay for an inexpensive cell phone account for the two of them, practical gifts, etc. Getting siblings to start talking about the long term picture and what your folks are likely to need is important. Getting them on benefits and living independently will help you and your own family stay healthy.
An Uncle would tell his daughter - I'll come live with you when I'm old & feeble". Answer was a swift no. It was their game. He'd say "I'm your Father". She'd say "I'm your daughter - not your nurse". He'd say "I'll bring my bags & move in". She'd say "you'll stay ONE week then you & your bags will be dropped at a hotel".
It was a game. But there certainly are men out there with that *King* attitude that truly expect women to serve them.
Time for Father King to go rule his own castle!
https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/eligibility/index.html
You are not financially responsible for your parents. You can love them without telling the government that you're willing to sacrifice your income. Let them apply for government benefits as if they never had children.
They may qualify for subsidized housing and the SNAP food program.
It's just... what a pity you didn't do that before they moved in! :)
But it's no good answering "I wouldn't start from here." Your parents are young enough to establish themselves again as an independent unit, if not altogether through their own earnings then with such support from the state as they are entitled to. Put them in touch with the right advisers...
I found this site without having to search too hard, just for example: https://www.ncdhhs.gov/assistance/low-income-services
... and then put all your effort into getting them back on their feet. Not only for your and your husband's and your little one's sake, but for your parents' sake too. Help them find out that independence and self-respect are worth fighting for.
You and your husband have become the parents to your mom and dad. It's time for you to show them some tough love for their own good. Kick them out of the nest.
You've stated her that you nor any of your siblings stayed with mom and dad past the age of 19. All of you went out there and made lives for yourselves, so now it's time for mom and dad to do the same.
Give them a certain timeline then tell them they have to be out by that time.
I am telling you right now - they will never move out until they die, if you continue to pay all the bills and caretake. That could be another 30 THIRTY years!
If they're going to stay, the least they can do is pay serious rent. If they can't afford it, give them a 60-day notice that they need to find a new living arrangement. You could even pay the down payment to help them along with their transition or first and second month's rent.
And - start listening to Dave Ramsey, a financial expert who hosts a radio call-in show. There are tons of callers that have the exact same situation and these calls are recorded here - he really tries to help ppl to not be exploited by family members: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7eBNeDW1GQf2NJQ6G6gAxw
Sending good energy your way. This sounds like it's been a chronic issue and unfortunately, albeit through your kindness, you're enabling their outrageous behavior.
Your parents sound like free spirits and there is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, more times than not, free spirits end up holding an empty pot at the end of their journey. I am sure the thought of staying with a job for years and years to gain seniority and raises and a retirement plan may sound stifling to some, but it paves the way for when you are older. There is a price to pay for their decisions, but it is not your price to pay....it is your parents.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. Can you have a conversation with them and kindly explain that you need time to get to know your husband and create your own family dynamic. Explain that when you married it was not with the understanding that they would start out with a multigenerational household. Bring up that there are hiring signs on the door of every business right now. Make a list of some you think might be of interest to them. Do a little homework and find some apartments that are government subsidized that base the rent on income. Having some suggestions in hand might make the conversation end on a high note.
You are right...only having 10 years of living as an adult on your own is not fair. Your parents need to give you the same freedoms that they had.
She has a very kind heart to have taken her parents in to try and help them. There gets to a point where people have to help themselves as well.
Maybe the parents could benefit from the services of a social worker. There may be services available to people in their situation. Like low-income housing or possibly getting them on some kind of disability because they can't make a living.
She can ask her siblings to help, but in the long run they have every right to decide for themselves if/how much they will help. And if I were one of them, I personally would not because I do not believe in rewarding irresponsible behavior (of the parents, not OP). They are not ill and in need of care, so why should any of their children be obligated to provide for them? The rest of your suggestions are great, but under no circumstance should OP "lay down the law" or "demand" or "not allow" anything of her siblings - talk about a recipe for resentment!
The future is so much like the past and present, only more of it.
You can change this.
You are not selfish.
This is a tricky one. Keep in mind folks, most of us on the forum probably grew up knowing English. If you come from another country English is a must. English proficiency is the gateway to economic opportunity. I know this sounds like a cliche but we must be compassionate.
Coming to this country and starting a new life, it's easier said than done. It sounds like your parents have raised a really nice family! There are probably sacrifices that your parents' made that you will never know about. The "next generation" gets ahead and doesn't have to do the manual labor of the previous generation who were immigrants.
Remember folks, oftentimes it's not laziness but it's not being able to master the English language. If you can't do that these "great" jobs are out of reach so you have work odd jobs as they come up. The woman usually pulls up the slack and figures it's better then where we came from, there's more freedom here for the next generation. I'll make due.
There's a lot to consider. Life happens, it's a not one size fits all answer. Your being the youngest of six, let "baby sister" do it. A family meeting needs to be held. There's a place for Mom and Dad. I grew up in an multi-generational household.
Loved it...Sounds like your Mother (grandmother) would be fabulous with your 8 year old. Does Dad like to do errands? Fix things around the house? Grocery shop? Gas up the cars. Everyone needs to be a team player. Keep in mind folks anyone can get sick at any age. There are no guarantees. But, expect the best, but plan for the worse. People do not die in birth order. Also, I too, come from a big family which is a plus.
We had an in-law apartment. I would check into every program possible because it sounds like there are not a lot of assets to bring to the table with (2) additional loves one in the house. Utilities, groceries, etc. are all going to go up.
Have ALL of your siblings contribute $$$. Mine backed-out and gave me a line and then didn't deliver. Everyone needs to be on board, not just a strong beginning and a weak ending.
You may have to make a move then another one. This may be a process. Can you imagine if any one of us had to leave our country at 17 and learn another language and build a life. Stick together...it will work out! You are in my prayers.
Life is often unfair, but in this case you brought this on yourself. So I would say it is perfectly fair. You made the choice to take your parents in, all you can do now is try to correct the choice you made in a moment of weakness and concern. It is admirable, but extremely naïve and foolish of you to do. Actions breed from an emotional response rarely end well.
You need to set boundaries, and understand a family member can only depend on a person if the person allows them to do so. You can say no, sure it will rough and you will feel bad about doing so. That is life, you have to make choices that sometimes leave people behind. You cannot always worry about how your choices will impact others. Your parents made their bed, if they have to live out the rest of their life in poverty, struggling, and working until the day they die so be it. Often these situations do not have happy endings, something has to give and if you are not willing to give up what is necessary to care for dependent parents, then you have to prepare yourself that they will face many hardships and struggles. You also must resolve yourself into not caving into your desire to want to not see them suffer, and offer a helping hand that will overstretch you and your family.
Your parents either will sink or barely stay afloat. They are long past the window of swimming to shore and thriving on land. Accept this.
your situation is very similar to one my grandmother found herself in. A dear friend of hers was divorced, and her ex-husband left her destitute after getting her to sign off on wanting no alimony. My grandmother went to visit her and found her literally with no food and barely unable to care for herself. My grandmother brought her home with her so she could get back on her feet, and the friend was with her for 18 years. It wasn’t exactly what my grandmother had in mind, but her friend had never worked a day in her life , and she had two sons who took their father side in the divorce and did nothing to help her.
My grandmother died five years ago, and her friend now lives in a nursing home on Medicaid, and is actually pretty content with her life. Her boys eventually came around and realized their dad was a bad guy, but neither one of them ever offered to take her in or contribute to her support.
Your father should be ashamed of himself for being a poor provider and planner. As the old saying goes, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
Set a reasonable deadline for your parents to move out. It may have to be six months or a year from now, but they need to become self-sufficient again.