Is 29 too young for your parents to move in with you?

You two are generous to a fault. There's too much to say to you so I apologize for the "laundry list"...

- your marriage and immediate family are top priority.
- you are not responsible for your parents' happiness.
- your parents being broke is the retirement they planned for, so let them have it.
- your father is not going to suddenly become a better version of himself.
- the definition of "enabling" is: doing things for someone that they are perfectly. capable of doing for themselves. Everyone has been enabling your dad. Stop.
- if you are the only solution then your parents/siblings won't seek any other solutions.
- your very wonderful husband agreed to let them move in because he had no real idea what he has agreed to in the long-term.

Right now it seems easy-ish and mutually beneficial. That may not last long once their health and cognition start to decline. Seniors have been known to ask the same question continuously no matter how many times you give the answer. They eventually lose control of their filters and bladders. They forget things like pots on the gas burner and how to get home from the grocery store. They give out their ssn to scammers who call or email them. They watch tv at the highest volume because hearing aids are not covered by insurance and cost $3K. They forget that you have a life, a husband and a child that need your attention -- or their dementia causes them to not care. All of this may happen or only some of it may happen. Your parents are only in their early 60's -- you could conceivably be caring for them for decades.

In my own "old world" Italian-American family I have 2 Aunts that helped my mom raise me (an only child). We all lived together for 20 years. They never got married nor had kids so I am it. They are now 99.5 and 102.5 years old. Fifteen years ago when they started needing more and more help, I, as their DPoA, was thinking that transitioning them into AL near me would be a good idea but my many other cousins were appalled and panicked at this idea. They were angry. I live 1800 miles away in another state, had a husband, 3 kids, worked full-time in my family business and had my own aging mom to keep tabs on. I was honest with my cousins that there was no way I could give them my own hands-on caregiving so what did they have in mind? My cousins then stepped in to help and are still helping them stay in their home. This is what I mean about you being the only solution: if you tell your parents and siblings that you are happy to help up until XX date, then after that you help your parents find Section 8 housing and get assistance from other programs then do not back down. Don't wait for your parents to comply. Fill out the forms for them and pack their bags for them if that's what it takes (this is the only type of enabling that is valid). If your siblings cause an uproar then invite them to be the solution. I guarantee your parents won't like it but they won't be the ones drained physically, emotionally and financially in the end. You AND your family will be. Does your husband have parents here? What's the plan for them?

Please go the Care Topics page on this website and read some of the posts under Burnout. You are being politely warned by responders that you are headed off a cliff. Many of them have been there, done that. You are not going to be an exception. Please heed their warnings born from actual experience.

Are your parents on waiting lists for low income housing for elders?

Do they have medical insurance/Medicaid?

Will they be eligible for SS and Medicare?

You need to make sure that they are taking advantage of every single social service program avaliable to them.

I am someone who would never/could never, whatever my age, have someone move in with me. Period. End of statement.
So there is that. I always knew my limitations. That is one of them.
I was a nurse. I loved the job and it paid very well and I had 3 shifts per week. I loved my patients. I also knew I was completely incapable of 24/7 care even for the most saintly and independent person in the world.
I think basically what I am saying is that my vote goes to your siblings. I would wish them the best in making their decisions and get one with making my own for my own life.
You believe you are doing the right thing. Do understand, however, that when you make decisions that impact your own immediate family, that is very unfair to THEM.
Ultimately, as to fairness, it is a not a part of life, and it never was. Ask the Ukrainians today fleeing for their lives.
There are many people who are aging in our own and in any other country without children to put themselves on as a burden. They are cared for and access care as any other couple or individual without children. And given your parents DO have a child who wishes to help, you could help them access that care, were you to wish to do so.
I am 80. I have saved for my care. I have made it clear that my children are not to sacrifice their lives, which now, in their 50s and 60s is some of the best quality time they have in their lives, when they are retiring, free to travel and enjoy themselves. They understand this and we have discussed it thoughout our lives.
Only we can make decisions for our own lives. I wish you the very best in making your own decisions for your own life; it's the only life you will have, so it's important you have autonomy in making decisions for it.

I am 65, Dh is 70. We would no more move in with one of our kids than we'd fly to the moon.

Dad, at age 59, is completely capable of making decisions about his life and he should still be working FT and taking care of himself. Mom can also work and the two incomes should provide plenty for them to live on. I am sitting here shaking my head b/c I KNOW quite a few people who have PLANNED to simply move in with relatives when they get tired of working.

Your dad's inability to hold down a job is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's also setting a really unhealthy example to your daughter of co-dependency and that is not good.

I'd help my folks find low income housing, I'd help them MOVE, I wouldn't cut them out of my life, but I'd sure as heck make sure they weren't leaning on ME for support.

Doesn't sound like you're happy and OK with the dynamic you find yourself in.

Time for a brutal talk with them. Don't make them feel 'kicked out' but rather 'independently re-assigned'.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Make sure they know that if they mess up again (change jobs, whatever) the option to come back to your place is off the table.

I understand the culturally your dad has dictated how "his house" would run and that even though he is living in YOUR house, he feels the patriarch. Welp, I hate to have to say it and it's going to be really difficult, but he is no longer the "head of household". You and your spouse are the heads of this household. Do I think this is going to get mightily unpleasant. Heck yes!! But you HAVE TO DO THIS now. They are way, way, way too young to essentially leach off of you and simultaneously subject you to demands. If they are going to live with you, they have to pitch in. I'm sure they are are lovely people who have made poor decisions, but they HAVE to grow up in addition to growing older. They are still VERY YOUNG! They have a decent amount of work life ahead of them. Get them signed up for public housing, get them onto any an every program available to them (since they don't have minor children, it may be limited--thankfully they are not single otherwise they would be shown the door since only "families" seem to get the most assistance). But really if you do this now, you'll end up in the position they are in and you don't want that. Please, please take care of yourself, your child, and your spouse first.

The real question is whether 59 and 60 is too young to move in with your kids, and the answer is a resounding yes.

your situation is very similar to one my grandmother found herself in. A dear friend of hers was divorced, and her ex-husband left her destitute after getting her to sign off on wanting no alimony. My grandmother went to visit her and found her literally with no food and barely unable to care for herself. My grandmother brought her home with her so she could get back on her feet, and the friend was with her for 18 years. It wasn’t exactly what my grandmother had in mind, but her friend had never worked a day in her life , and she had two sons who took their father side in the divorce and did nothing to help her.

My grandmother died five years ago, and her friend now lives in a nursing home on Medicaid, and is actually pretty content with her life. Her boys eventually came around and realized their dad was a bad guy, but neither one of them ever offered to take her in or contribute to her support.

Your father should be ashamed of himself for being a poor provider and planner. As the old saying goes, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

Set a reasonable deadline for your parents to move out. It may have to be six months or a year from now, but they need to become self-sufficient again.

Let's look at your situation through another pair of eyes. In truth you and your husband have three children.
You and your husband have become the parents to your mom and dad. It's time for you to show them some tough love for their own good. Kick them out of the nest.
You've stated her that you nor any of your siblings stayed with mom and dad past the age of 19. All of you went out there and made lives for yourselves, so now it's time for mom and dad to do the same.
Give them a certain timeline then tell them they have to be out by that time.

I'm overwhelmed by the level of responses from everyone. I'm glad I found this forum. These are bottled-up feelings I've had for a while. I wanted to add some broad responses:

-I don't have enough space on my property to build an in-law suite nor will my HOA allow it. We converted our great room downstairs into a room for them, which has plenty of room for their stuff-they also have a storage unit. They come upstairs to use the shower and laundry room. We also share the kitchen. A sticking point for me is my dad uses a lot of the garage space for his 'tools' because I didn't agree to give them that space when they came. It's not out of the question for us to sell our home and buy a home that has an in-law suite in the future (long future when my parents are actually old)
-The main motivation for moving them down was because of their health. A few have asked why my mom won't work more... They are both very sick-arthritis in the legs, diabetes, neuropathy, etc. My mom is exhausted and in pain after her part-time job every day and sometimes needs a cane to walk. My dad made a big announcement 2 years before the move that they would be moving back down here, but no progress was ever made. I feared that they didn't have much time left, especially after their covid bout, if they stayed up there alone as we witnessed their daily decline. What also worries me is their memory problems and lack of technical understanding, because it's an early sign of cognitive issues and risks of scamming. My mom asked so I made the leap out of faith because I thought it was more important to have them down here close to family than for me to be uncomfortable for a little while. My husband agreed. My daughter was elated.
-Yes, my dad does not submit to women well, he's gone behind me to my husband when he thinks he can get a better answer from him. He likes to recommend useless (in my opinion) improvements to our house and I'm mostly against them. And he can be manipulative to get what he wants. My husband and I always say we need to talk to each other about it first before agreeing to anything.
-A few of my siblings have helped my parents (mostly mom) in the past, but never for this long. It drove my sister to a very dark place the last time she did it because she was caught in between a bad time in their marriage and was single with no kids at the time so my dad asserted even more 'authority.'
-My parents can be very helpful, my dad is a skilled handyman and self-taught mechanic but has always had a problem giving his services away for free... especially to family. I find him working more to help my siblings with things than actually working to save them money. He tries that with us, but I want them to know that we mostly don't need the help.
-We really don't need their income to help with household bills. The only thing that has cost us more with them here is monthly utilities. I really don't like accepting money from anyone for anything but work, especially from family. So my biggest offer of help for them was to let them keep their money to save up. But my dad goes long stretches without working and he has a spending problem (an old habit). He buys things that aren't necessary but he swears he needs for 'work' or 'the house.'
-Hubby doesn't really mind them being here. He says he'd do it for his own parents if they needed it (they probably never will need it). His only issue is if he feels disrespected. It bothers me more because it brings up repressed memories.

My biggest takeaways from all your amazing tips:
-My immediate family will continue to come first.
-I am part of the problem and the solution.
-There are many resources available for my parents to become independent again, I will do the legwork to find those and get them connected.
-Get them on every low-income housing waitlist out there.
-1: Stand up to my parents, tell them this wasn't my plan for my young family.
-2: Stand up to my siblings, tell them the burden will be easier shared.

You state that you think your parents' income is too low even for low-income housing, but I believe that rent level is set as a % of income, so if they have any income at all they should be good candidates for low income housing. It's extremely hard to get into low income housing or to get housing vouchers, so they should apply and get on wait lists as soon as possible. Being 55+ helps, as there are more housing options for low-income elders. If they are living in their own place instead of with you, they would also become eligible for food stamps and a lot of other benefits. They could use food pantries to supplement their food stamps. There are subsidies for phone and utilities for low income folks. You mention that your mother's Medicaid application is still pending. What about your dad's Medicaid? Is he already on it? Has he applied? But the ideal thing would be if they could/would both work. If your dad is unable to work, your mom may just have to face the fact that will have to become the primary breadwinner. With the big labor shortage, there are lots of vacancies even for lower-skilled workers.

My mother moving in with me helped destroy my marriage. I would hate for that to happen to you. They could live another 40 or more years. They need to have a plan to leave. I know others on this forum have given you some good advice on accomplishing it. Please implement it.