Hi, my mom broke her leg a year and a half ago. It healed and she was doing really well on physical therapy. Then she fell one day and broke her other leg and hip. That didn’t go so well. She was/still is very unmotivated. I’m sure she has PTSD from it all too. And I’m pretty sure she’s developing dementia. Anyways... she was progressing when physical therapy came to her, but when she had to start going out of the house to do it, she quit. She never did her exercises they gave her and always complained that she wasn't getting stronger (she totally was though).
So since then, we've gone way down hill. She spends 24/7 in her recliner. She used to at least try to get up to use the bathroom. There would be accidents, but they were manageable. Then it was just a few times a day that she would get up and get changed. Then two. Now we are to one.
I'll give you a little more relevant info. My 36 year old brother is their "caregiver." I say it in quotes because that it's what they all want to call him even though he gets away with doing less and less every week. He lives with my parents rent free (has for years) and their deal they made was that he would take care of them. They've had health issues for a while, but nothing that needed more than a ride to a doctor appointment. He has not showered in AT LEAST a year. His room is piles of trash and just filthy. He does absolutely no cleaning. He used to at least help her to the bathroom and change her though.
The past few weeks has been rough. He has now stopped doing anything all together... But I think it's a joint effort. My mom doesn't want to get up either. I have to force her to get changed. She has a terrrrible rash from sitting in her urine 24/7. I'm doing the best I can. My sister and I go over every single day to do their laundry, dishes, trash, etc... But most importantly is to change her and clean her up. I've been trying to use diaper cream and this prescription rash stuff my dad has. It's not getting better and I'm not sure what to do.
How can I convince my mom to use the bathroom or get changed? I've had days where I tell her exactly how much it hurts me that she won't care for herself. I've had plenty of days where I just shut up and pretend like everything is fine. But those are less and less now. I wish she would kick my brother out so I can take care of her, but that's not an option cuz she won't.
She won't do assisted living, doesn't want to be catheterized, won't go to doctor appointments. She still insists my brother is her caregiver, but he is literally doing nothing anymore. My dad just had back surgery and has staph with pic line antibiotics.... He's unable to do much, but he brings her meals.
I've called adult protective services twice when she refused to let me change her. They do nothing. I'm broke and all my extra money goes to helping them already. I just need advice. If I can convince her to go to the ER, would they treat her? I'm certain she has to have a uti or something! Her rash has not gotten any better since I started doing it. Her skin is purple. Would they send her home if I brought her in? Have any of you dealt with someone not caring that they are soaking in pee?
Thanks for reading it all if you got this far lol
"I've been trying to use diaper cream and this prescription rash stuff my dad has."
Yikes! Stop doing that! You don't say what the prescription rash stuff is or what it's for; but you do not, ever, use one person's prescribed "stuff" for a completely different person who may have a completely different condition.
So don't do that. Going back to your post...
When you say APS do nothing - what have you told them, and what did they say?
It sounds like mom is depressed at the least and possibly mentally ill, and like you say dementia. Can you get her out of the house with some cover story and end up at the ER, preferably of the best teaching hospital in your area? She needs a complete evaluation mentally and physically that she’s never going to get until someone gets her to a hospital, so lie if you have to in order to make it happen.
Is you dad more capable or wiling than your mom to standing up to brother?
I’m glad you and sister are attempting to help, but they need more than you can provide in trying to bandaid such a mess
I'm going to get her to the ER today, whatever I have to do. She is only 69 and I know she can get better if she tried. I've seen it... as slow as the progress was, it was there. I'll update you ❤️
She sounds very depressed--and she is likely scared of brother. We have a similar dynamic in that my mom lives with my brother's family and he has deemed himself her CG. He also showers, oh, maybe once every other week. He smells bad! His whole family (4 adult daughters) and wife all live there too, but mom is 'his' project. He is so protective of her, if one of the sibs can get past the lion at the gate, we find mom's apartment of serious deep cleaning and she needs help bathing and grooming. Brother says he does these things, but I know he doesn't.
A NEIGHBOR called APS on him, some time ago, he assumed it was me and was furious. They did a real quick check on her and said to clean the bird cage and that was it.
Mom is too timid to say anything anymore. I wish I had pushed harder to get the other 3 sibs on board with moving her to an ALF 5 years ago.
Don't know how much money brother is charging her, but her bills cannot be more than $800 a month and she gets almost $3K from SS.
I'm glad you're taking mom to the ER. They are mandated reporters and will report to APS if they feel she is being abused or neglected.
Sadly, my experiences with both APS and CPS have been pretty much a waste of time. I hope it's better in your case.