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My father has been living in a LTC facility for almost 2 years now. When he went in, he had some medical issues and slight dementia. Most of the medical issues are under control, but the dementia (unfortunately) is still there, and for the sake of this post - my main focus. Most of the time dad is pleasant and quite lucid. When something goes wrong, goes missing, or just isn’t right, he reaches out to me. I haven’t been able to go inside recently, so I call or email to try and address it with the facility. Usually this is a lengthy process. If I speak to someone, they say they’ll check and get back to me, and it goes into a black hole. If I email, days go by with no response (the black hole again). If I push and push to try to get to the bottom is something, their reply makes no sense. They always twist the story and blame it on dads dementia.
I can honestly say that I try to be advocate for dad. He only has me in his life, so although I try not to be a squeaky wheel, I think that’s what I must look like. Dads facility is 5 star. It’s beautiful and I used to think there were many nice, capable, employees there. But I’m starting to think that maybe I’ve been looking through rose colored glasses. 99% of the time, my issues concerning dads care are valid (not everyone who works in a LTC facility is there because they love the elderly, and some are not as responsive, compassionate and kind as I thought). When I call to investigate an issue, I’m put off. When I squeak my wheels, I’m looked at as a pain - and their response is always so vague or if they just want to dismiss me, they say it’s the dementia. I KNOW DAD HAS DEMENTIA. IM OK WITH IT. But dad also is a human being. He has emotions just like anyone else, and when something is wrong, I expect to figure out why it happened. I hate to say this (because truth be told, they know and I know that moving dad would be a nightmare) but I’m speaking on deaf ears when I reach out to them for help. I’ve spoke to the administrator (who is very nice, but has no clue what’s going on day to day), I’ve spoke to the patient Liason (horrible - she just tries to use her finesse to convince me they’re right and dad is wrong), and I’ve spoke to the Director of nursing (let me rephrase, I had to literally send multiple emails, of which she made me wait days for a response). I promise, I’m not a squeaky wheel. I’m just a daughter who loves her father. I promised to be his advocate, and that’s what I’m trying to do. He pays a lot of money to be there. Should I settle for anything less than professionalism when I’m looking for an answer? How do I find someone I can trust and not just try to cover up a “whoops”. Is there anyone who works in these places who is a true advocate for the residents? I’m sick and tired of everything being blamed on dementia.

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Dementia and Covid. It is like walking on a tight rope - for everyone.
Family who can't visit and check on how things are going from first hand observations;
Staff that are exhausted, low-paid, considered about their own health and safety and that of their family when they go home;
Residents/patients in facilities that are confused, alone / lonely.

Not a good time for anyone.
1. You need to reach other people than whoever you are emailing.
- find out who is on the Board of Directors, call or write them.
- call county senior services or Ombudsmen service / non-profit
2. You want to be careful due to Covid.
3. How is it that you believe your dad since he has dementia? If he is being abused, definitely pursue legal investigation. If he says he's losing 'things' - realize it is just things.
4. If you have any concerns about the quality of care, check into it although also be aware that if they ask him to leave, Covid is a concern everywhere.
5. If I were you, I would stop knocking my head against a wall. Find another way 'in' to getting your concerns answered.
6. Don't forget to take care of yourself - this is vitally important. Gena

- call an elder attorney lawyer
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If you fee, suspect, think, dream there is a problem. Then report it. If the facility responds to you as you being a bother, I guarantee you there is a problem. What company in our lifetimes take every piece of property and income from our loved ones and then think they can treat our loved ones and family like a bother?

my mom was in a rehab in 2019. They had staffing issues, cleanliness and medical treatment (or lack there of) I addressed through the facility, but it never was addressed through all shifts.

you need to see if there is an ombudsman in your area, report to state, report to Medicare, etc.

you have a right to be a squeaky wheel.

inwas one at this facility. Medicare actually did an inspection in the beginning of 2020. Guess what? They basically failed the inspection. Many of the cleanliness issues I had seen. Like patients can’t have a wash rag after 9:00 if there is a spill. Lack of washing hands, etc.

one month or so later the pandemic hit. Over 40% of the patients were dead and something like 60%plus were infected.

our loved ones deserve and need squeaky wheels.
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Imho, you are not a squeaky wheel and deserve answers from the people whom you have contacted at your father's facility. Prayers sent.
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Hello, Squeaky Wheel.
I believe if theyre getting paid for a service.
They need to explain your concerns.
Maybe, A wake up call of .. well, If you can't answer my question I need to look into
other housing for my LOVED one.. might work, might not ?
A little play there game B.S... and if your not standing right there when something happens
to see for yourself. it very well be Dementia ?
Best of luck , We are all in this together .. PATRICK
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You are not a squeaky wheel, he is paying for a service and they should be accountable for his care and your concerns. My only advice in situation where someone has dementia in any facility (5 star included) is to have a camera in the room. It is the only way to advocate properly because you know what is happening every day. I have my mom is a very "upscale" facility and even with a camera they have done some terrible things. With Covid, the only way to advocate is to have eyes in the room and on the facility.
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I am so sorry this nightmare has become your daily life. My only experience was when my dad was in rehab (pre covid time) for 30 days. He was a very difficult patient due to his dementia accelerated after general anesthesia and hospital sedations. Often he was combative, trying to climb out of bed and go home. The hospital had provided a sitter for him but rehab could not. During the first week I asked about a sitter and was told private sitters were welcome but family had to pay. I checked in everyday for a few hours in the daytime and a family friend became his evening sitter. I made friends with as many staff as I could often bringing donuts or treats. Always expressing my gratitude for their care. Several times I helped change his bed. I tried to stay daily to help feed dad his lunch. His evening sitter arrived to feed him dinner. The staff were responsible for feeding several patients so feeding was rushed. Dad has issues with swallowing. The staff that are good and do care have a hard time and they do the best they can. Some were so kind and loving. His only hearing aids were lost. My dad had little money and this ended up costing a fortune but at least it provided some assurance he would not be neglected or abused most of the time. He begged me later not to ever send him back. He lived out his remaining days with my mom at his apartment with many caregivers. He passed peacefully with hospice care last June. Sister and I agree every penny was well spent to keep him home and well cared for.
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While there are issues with any facility, in order to properly address concerns it would be immensely helpful to know what the concerns are. Missing items? It happens, unfortunately. Many dementia residents wander into other rooms and remove items, some residents move their own items and either can't locate them or toss them, then blame others. Some might report perceived issues which aren't true, others may have legitimate complaints.

Understanding the 5-finger discounts can make missing items understandable. Mom's Boogie Board (LCD tablet to make communication a bit easier due to her hearing loss) disappeared for a while, then reappeared. Clearly someone walked off with it, but eventually they located it and returned it. The hearing aid she moved in with eventually went through the laundry. Could they have been better about checking her linens when washing them? Sure. The first replacement (bought a pair, both set up for the left as she only used one) went AWOL within a few months. Problem was she kept taking it out and in the past I know she would wrap it in a tissue or napkin. Most likely it was tossed at mealtime. With the remaining one, they kept taking it away from her when she'd take it out. As far as I know it's still there, but probably not used much. I have arrived for visits and saw her wearing clothing I'd never seen before - more than likely this was someone else's items that got mixed into hers (this despite being told her laundry was washed separately. Some of the undies found in her drawer (before we switched to briefs) certainly weren't hers (she only wore cotton, these were the "stretchy type", something she never wore!) She never complained about anything and I never saw anything to complain about (excluding the missing/lost items, which goes with the territory.) She was never set up with a phone, as she really couldn't use it or hear well with it, but I was there often enough, various times of the day and knowing my mother, she would b*tch about anything she didn't like!!!

I have no idea how many stars my mother's facility has, and generally don't base my thoughts on those. We have no idea who posted the rave or bad reviews or why. They had torn down the really old buildings and rebuilt it all, so we didn't have a full view of it until they opened. MC was the last unit to take residents, and mom was the first. Due to lockdown, there's no way to know what's going on at the moment, but in the 3+ years she was there and I could visit, I had no complaints. There are many care-givers there who adore my mother and always tell me things she says and does and comment on how "cute" it is. Mom's facility is 3 level, IL, AL and MC. It is private pay, non-profit. While it is not cheap, I can also say that those who do the actual care are among the lowest paid employees. I would never assume any of them are "in it for the money."

Anyway, Annabox, if you could cite some examples of your (dad's) concerns, it would be easier for us to make suggestions that make sense.
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No, do not settle. The choice is simple: Be nice so others may like you or fight for your dad's care. I used a nationally known home care agency for my mom for 5 years before she died. The care workers were mostly great, but the owner/office staff were horrible. Long story short, I actually used swear words with the owner/office staff to get results when I caught them in lies or clear failures in duty. Sad to say but true. But when it came to care for my mom, I was like a Mama Bear with her cub. You fight for good care for your dad. Me? For the most part I did get that good care; sadly clients without an advocate like me suffered from their shortcomings and manipulations.

Note: Make sure you turn your wrath on the right people. If the actual caregivers are working hard and doing the right thing, find a way to recognize and reward them. They are doing a thankless job. I know you cannot visit. That has to be horrible. If there is any way to get him out, I would seriously consider that.

Good luck! You can do this.
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rovana Nov 2020
When dementia is involved, I would suggest some checking to see if the complaints have merit. before lambasting anyone.
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Honest opinion here- I’ve worked in home care for the elderly for years and worked in a 5 star brand new facility for 4 years. From the visiting view point - tours- the facility looks wonderful and inviting. In reality, I never worked for and with so many people that could care less about anything but their paychecks.
it nauseates me how deceiving the front office is to achieve the goal of an income.
I once plunged a dementia gentleman’s toilet on a Saturday- with no maintenance on staff - and management was not happy! LOL. He was not going to remember to NOT use the toilet! I worked in the kitchen and went above and beyond changing light bulbs, carrying groceries, switching pictures for residents, conversations, hand on shoulder reassurances— I feel it matters not what department one works in. We are at a facility to help, Nuture, love, guide, give friendship and love to the residences. They deserve the very best of care.
I actually picked a gentleman up at a local hotel at 6am one morning when he wandered away. Talk about uneasiness with management. IMO- money is their only concern and boy do they know how to turn on the charm when needed.
i have done private caregiving and the inept care for some greatly saddens me.
ive told my husband to never put me in a home. I’d rather be deceased.
some residents can be mean- as if it is cliques of high school all over again.
so- enough of my poor viewpoint. In reality- who knows what my future holds.
**I would demand to speak to the owner. Document everything. Date, time and to whom you’ve spoken with to
**does caregiving have a manager to seek out. Ask for an in person meeting- possibly zoom right now
**if you can befriend a caregiver - cleaning staff member - kitchen staff person- they can be a direct, honest person to give you first hand details of your dad. You’ll know when you meet that person when you have that gut feeling that they genuinely care. I would relay the meals eaten, how social they were, mood.... give a staff member you trust a small token. A card is more than enough elaborating on how much you appreciate them!
**contact the local health department
**contact the local senior center and see if they have a mentor / friend program to visit your dad
**contact the local high school counseling office and see if they can recommend a student to help
**contact local colleges, university’s to see about student social workers, nursing/ medical students.
**contact a local caregiving agency- they may have direct knowledge of the care facility your dad is in and can make Recommendations too.
many blessings!
if I think of more resources- I’ll let you know.
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PSc12345 Nov 2020
Blaming dementia is an easy out for the care facility. How many residents are there and what is the ratio to caregivers? How much time is a caregiver actually with your dad? Do NOT settle!!! Your dad deserves respect, dignity, and you deserve the same. Being elderly in our society should be given the utmost care- each person has so much wisdom, humor, history to share with all of us. Blessings.
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Stick to your guns, but be careful. 100% same as how you explained. So, the lost wallet, lost shoes, lost money, dementia, etc.... I also understand that and like you say - ITS MY DAD AND HE'S HUMAN! Well, my dad died the other day & it wasn't from Covid or Dementia. He hadn't been in there very long. If you want more info - pm me. You are exactly right.
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PSc12345 Nov 2020
My condolences 💐. Sending you warm sentiments
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In Florida we have Long Term Care Ombudsmen who work for the state, visit the facilities and correct problems. They are volunteers!
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MsMaryB Nov 2020
Yes, that is true normally, but they are not currently visiting facilities, because of COVID, at least in the county I live in Florida. An Ombudsman is a voluntary position and my experience with them has been wonderful. I’m actually going to try and volunteer myself when my caregiving days are over. I had to call an Ombudsman in to my husband’s first nursing home because of the way he was being treated. He came in randomly and inspected, made recommendations for changes and reported any deficiencies. In the end the facility sent my husband to a psych ward simply to get him out. He spent 21 days in there before I could find another place to move him. The psychiatric hospital said why is he here, there isn’t anything wrong with him.
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Yes, stick to your guns!!! Unsure what is "the issue?"....but going to the county LICENSING usually opens up conversations that were impossible to obtain.
Listen to your heart and concerns. Hopefully it's a very serious issue.
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We found out the hard way that looks could be deceiving. My mom was placed into a stunning facility for rehab after her stroke. Marble floors, crystal chandeliers, beautiful art, and private rooms that looked like they belonged in a 5 star hotel. She was there less than 24 hours when she fell and needed over 30 stitches. Then the facility moved the patients around to accept Covid patients from their sister facility. It was difficult to communicate with the facility. Long story short, she died of Covid there. These big companies are so greedy!
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I'm sorry to say but no. There aren't any 'true' advocates for nursing home residents who are actually employed by and at the nursing home itself. All employees of a nursing home promote and follow that nursing home's agenda whether in resident care or business practices or they risk losing their jobs. Many people don't really understand what long-term care in a nursing home actually is. It's a bed, meals, meds and treatment, hygiene care but with basically baby-sitting services. That's what long-term care in a nursing home is. They have socialization activities which are arranged and handled by their activities director.
Most nursing homes don't have staff to even adequately handle the most basic things like hygiene, feeding, dressing, and toileting. No nursing home has staff whose job it is to humor residents. They don't have staff who will spend hours investigating and searching for some resident's item that went missing or they think went missing. Nursing homes do not employ staff to listen to some resident complain and rant out of boredom. No facility offers this and it's not unprofessional if you don't find it at one. The only time this is included as part of elder care, is if you're hiring extremely patient in-home, private caregivers that you're paying big money for. This is not what you get in a long-term care facility. Nursing homes don't take this seriously and will politely dismiss you when you communicate with them about it. You could hire private people to go and sit with your father at the facility during the days you can't visit if it's allowed. I know people who have done this and it helped their loved one greatly. You know your father well enough to know if something real and serious was going on. Then you could act on his behalf. The staff of the facility he's in also knows this.
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Dear Annabox,
I am a patient diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ four and a half years ago one month before my 57th Birthday. My mother was Director of Nursing for a Skilled Nursing Facility for many years. We were taken there to visit on holidays but my mother made it her mission to educate us on the rights Patients have in hospitals, nursing home etc. We were told, first speak to the floor Nursing Supervisor, if you receive no action, Next stop is Director of Nursing, next stop would be Administrator. Should you still not receive assistance go to the State Health Dept. that has Jurisdiction over the the Facility.
Yes, it is necessary to advocate for your father, and don't be afraid to hold them accountable. When the State gets involved, results tend to be produced. I wish your father the best on his journey and thank you for looking out for him. We patients, can at times, become confused and not know what to do. Hang in there. I'll be sending up prayers for you and your dad.
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RedVanAnnie Nov 2020
What good and specific advice. Thank you from all of us who need to know these things.
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Mom2Max is spot on with one exception. The facility could try to refuse to sign off on Hospice. If they are stonewalling you for information, they will probably be threatened by an outside referral. Hospice has their own Medical Directors. Make a referral and their MD will sign all of the orders for your Dad. When I was a Hospice nurse, we had many Alzheimer's patients for years in some cases. They have to document an ongoing decline which is likely. When I retired, I worked in a Memory Care Unit. We had 6 clients under Hospice Care.

You do not need a doctor's order to request Hospice. Anyone can make the referral. They would send someone to evaluate and speak at length to you. I would start there. If for some reason, they do not accept Dad under care, go to the Federal and State agencies and Ombudsman. Their lack of transparency is disturbing.

Best of all outcomes for you and for Dad.
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I moved my dad one month ago to Assisted Living memory care. Private pay.
Lock down area with about 14 residents.
He could barely walk but could if he used a walker which had to be place in front of him constantly. He fell twice the first week and vomited and got a black eye.
He fell twice the second week
requiring 3 staples in the back of his head. And the final time he broke his arm.
He does not walk now.
Place on hospice to manage his pain and dementia
Hospice offers extra care. His own CNA for bathing and feeding
I go about every other day to visit him. I have a Blink camera in his room. I can see him and any activity. Some days he sleeps til lunch. Others he is up about 10. He has a bath every other day. He is changed about 4:30 am morning. I can see them peek in to check on him. But one day no one checked on him from 7pm til 4:30 am. But the next day they did.
One day he was in his wheelchair all day slumped over. The next day in bed all day. I am keeping open communication with the head of hospice. I am 66 years old and I am my dads voice
I am kind but ask why this or that is happening. I ask why one person tells me one thing another something else. I ask about the meds and make sure when they are given.
If you can, show up and plan to spend a day with your dad.
I report if my dad was having a good or bad day to hospice.
He was so dopey one time that he fell asleep eating.
I made sure the admin knows.
We are working together for the best treatment of my dad.
As far as the attendants. I thank them constantly for their care. Tell them they have a gift of care. I ask for help if I need it for my dad. I treat all with respect. I bring the cookies. I had him at home with around the clock care until he started to wander. That’s when I moved him to memory care. Some days I cry. Other days are good. I take 24 at a time and start over the next day. We love our dads. They love us. Keep on speaking up for him. Check on hospice care. It does not mean that he is dying. Just extra care.
Hire a sitter for a few hours
in the afternoon if they allow.
Pray for Gods help and trust God to care for your dad. After all we are God’s children. And he cares for us more than we know. Blessings 😊
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InFamilyService Nov 2020
Keep loving your poor Daddy. He knows you are trying to do everything to take care of him. I also recommend private sitters and hospice. Some churches are well known for help with private sitters and are less expensive than an agency. Reach out to any Jehovah Witnesses in your area. They will assist in finding help. I am not of this faith but my mom, dad and aunt have all benefited from their loving care.
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These facilities are far from perfect, but "assisting" 200 or 300 people who have physical and mental disabilities 24/7 is a monumental task.  Prior to Covid, when I could actually go into my mom's assisted living apartment, if she complained of things missing, I always found them hidden somewhere obscure.  Even found out she was hiding her shoes in her friends apartment down the hall.  If you focus on those types of details, you will drive yourself to insanity.  Now that we are in covid madness, it is a sh** show in these facilities and they are doing the best they can.  I used to do moms laundry because I would have to hunt for her dirty clothes...under the mattress, in drawers, in couch cushions, rehung in the closet etc. I would haul it to my house to wash and dry during the night and take it back the next day and put it away.  Now that I can't get into the facility, they maintain it. (if you want to call it that).  I drop off the detergent and softener.  When they call and say she is out of detergent and I know I just dropped of a pack of 48 tide pods two days ago, I just tell them they are going to have to find them. Either they have put it in the wrong apartment or mom has hidden the tide under her bed or something.  I just have to let it go.  I know she is getting her meds, she is being fed and she has a roof over her head.  I can't dwell on the rest...its too much and that lack of control is so upsetting.  I suggest you find some way to look at the positive.  Your only option is to pull him out of assisted living and take on all of his care yourself.  I know I certainly can't and don't want to do that myself with my mom so I choose to be thankful she has somewhere to be.

You did not mention safety concerns or abuse or anything of that nature.  Those are totally different situations that require you to shout from the rooftops for resolution.  I was only responding to the superficial things like dad says his razors have been stolen or he can't find the remote to his tv.

I know it's upsetting and I am not trying to make light of your anger about this.  It took me a while to get here. 

Praying for you and your father.
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As far as I'm concerned, all these Beautiful Senior Places and Most if the People who work there are there for the money. When you go for an interview they are warm and friendly and the building is beautiful and they tell you what you want to hear then once your Loved One is put there, things are what they really are and that can make for Seniors to be very unhappy, scared and feeling unloved.

If there's no other way and your Dad has to Live there then I would have a Camera installed in your Dad's Room where you can watch him any time from your Computer or Cell phone 24 7.

There are some nice Caregivers but plenty that just don't treat the person right and shows no respect and some that won't even talk to you but then that's better than the actual mean ones that treat you bad mentally and physically.

If your Dad can't move in with you and get a Caregiver, Please install a camera in Dad's Room and if they won't let you, MOVE YOUR DAD!
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haileybug Nov 2020
YOU SURE TOLD THE TRUTH.
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I had your experience in a 5 star top of the line Assisted Living/Rehab with my mom years ago. She broke her femur and was in rehab for a few months. She went in a vibrant, mobile talking, organ playing, book reading, avid knitter person. She came out so drugged up she did not care if she lived or died. First order was from her doctor to get her off the meds. Mom’s personality came back but she never read a book again, never played her organ again, never knitted again. They used to take her to rehab without her glasses and hearing aids. I went in one day and a soiled bed pan was in with her laundry, sweaters pants etc. She was continent when she went in, incontinent when she came out because they took there time getting her to the toilet. It was so sad. She has passed now. I was so disappointed in this so called 5 star facility. I have come to the conclusion that Assisted Living facilities are only as good as your ability to take care of yourself or you have a clear head and no dementia. Once you become reliable on others for your care in there its not as good. People that think their families are getting top notch care in these places are in a dream world. No one takes care of your parents like you do. So hang in there and do not accept their excuses.
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Sarah3 Nov 2020
Well I expressed something related to this before, most of our senior parents or loved ones would much prefer being with their family and skip the fancy hair salons and activities the al’s offer, if one must place their loved one there then it’s important to be in communication and not assume things are a certain way or not.
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I definitely don’t think you should settle for anything less than professionalism. My stepfather was in the memory unit of assisted living and I went to the supervisor quite often which did very little good. They’d improve a week or so then back to how it was. Then I went to the Director and that helped a little but eventually more of the same. I would go to an Ombudsman that will advocate for you. I was prepared to do that but then hospice came in and made all the difference. They were there over a year. It’s not just got people ready to pass in a few weeks like I thought. As long as a doctor signs off on it, they will come and stay until he passes. Mine came at least twice a week. It seems ridiculous that the ones we pay don’t do as much as they should but hospice helps so much. I don’t mean to knock all workers at nursing homes. Some are wonderful and they are most definitely underpaid in my opinion but you would have to really care to do what they do and I don’t think that’s always the case or maybe they just burn out. I couldn’t do it. Nevertheless we pay a fortune for these places and they deserve to be cared for like anyone else would regardless of dementia!! Some of my issues seemed trivial like dirty hands and nails and not cutting nails, etc but that’s important hygiene. I’d go as far as necessary to get the care he deserves. I’d let the director know you don’t want to take further action but you will if necessary. Also, I did move my stepfather once even with all the horror stories and he did just fine! I don’t even know if he was aware that he was moved. He still knew who we were then but he never said anything and we discussed it with him. I know that’s not always the case but it’s not always that difficult. Good luck and God bless!
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God bless you -this could be my story except with my mom. She has been in a nursing home since January and has gone from walking with help and talking some to being bed ridden and nearly silent. The now have diagnosed her with Parkinson's but I can't help but wonder its true or their lack of care - in a 5star facility - that has caused her muscles to get this bad, such as her still being in bed still at 2-3pm and them saying she didn't want to get up or needing fungal medicine for a “diaper rash” gotten that bad (likely not changing her since she’s still in bed) , When I question anyone, its "not what happened" or “her dementia”. All I know is that there used to be enough NH abuse that laws were passed to allow family entrance at all times, 24/7, that are being disregarded with no safe guards for our loved one!
Thank you for and your post. I have no answers but hope that someone’s response will help us both.🙏🏻💜
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If the issues are serious - impacting health and safety - then you can contact the state licensing agency. Otherwise, continue being the squeaky wheel while acknowledging the difficulties faced by LTC facilities during a pandemic. Remember, dad's dementia will only get worse.
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Contact your local Ombudsman.
they can really help. If the local doesn’t do what you need go up the chain of command. This is their job and most often can be very helpful.
if that does not work the office for the elderly. The facility is not meeting your or your dads needs. Follow chain of command until needs are met. Up to and including Department of Health.
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Of course you should advocate for him when necessary. You didn’t mention what type of issues are you emailing and calling them about but I would go easy on calling and emailing constantly. Could you provide some examples of what you contact them for? You said you feel they blame his dementia but this is why giving some examples would be helpful. I tend to think in at least some of these instances they’re letting you know his dementia explains what occurred— just as an example- if they reply to you that his dementia explains why he thinks he didn’t get something he was supposed to, that’s not a matter of them “blaming” the dementia as it is giving the context that dementia helps to explain what happened.
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You asked the question if you should settle for anything less than professionalism. My answer to you is, NEVER.
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"Squeaky wheel" is a good quality. Don't stop.
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Sarah3 Nov 2020
It’s good to speak up or ask about issues that merit a concern but as some others pointed out constant emailing and calling over minor issues or “karening” may eventually or sooner result in op being seen as crying wolf and if something of a real concern arises may not get a quick response. Advocating is one thing, overuse of contacting staff for common minor issues is another and drains their ability to tend to pressing matters
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Should you settle for anything less than professionalism?

The reflex answer is no, of course not. Staff in a facility or out in the community are professionals and you have every right to expect professional standards and a professional response to any concerns you raise.

I can't really explore your concerns, though, because as everyone is pointing out you haven't gone into any specifics. So we don't know whether you're "squeaking" about a member of staff speaking impatiently to your father, or a lost hearing aid that is probably as we type down the back of his armchair cushions.

By the way, I echoed your use of the squeaky wheel metaphor because I not only don't think it's wrong, I actively encourage clients and their primary caregivers to be one! People who squeak are helpful, they identify problems which are often common but overlooked.

It sounds as though you feel very tired of being fobbed off or dismissed altogether, but I wonder if this might help - when you raise a concern, make a complaint or ask about an incident, be clear as to what you expect to be done about it.

For example, just supposing - Dad tells you he pressed his call button during the night and then had to wait hours for someone to come and help him to the bathroom. And you, very naturally, want to get to the bottom of this. What happened, why, and how can problems be avoided in future?

Did he press his call button?
Was it hours?
Let's say he did press it (the call is listed on the system) and although it wasn't hours (the call was answered after 17 minutes) it was over the guidelines.
The manager will then need to know who was on duty, and ask that person or that team to explain why Mr X was kept waiting longer than the standard response time.
The explanation is likely to be that the staff were dealing with other clients at the crucial moment. When that happens, best practice recommends that a worker answers the call and explains to Mr X that they will be with him as soon as possible; but best practice recommendations don't always take account of practical realities, such as there being literally nobody available to do that.

So the answer very often boils down to upping the staff:resident ratio. Simple! But not so simple when a facility is already struggling to fill vacancies and then has four members of staff going into self-isolation on one day.

And then, just taking this as a case study, what would you expect the facility to say to you beyond that they will do their best to answer calls within time limits?

I do NOT mean that you should just roll with everything and not continue to be your father's advocate, not at all. But do be selective about what really needs attention now, and what can wait until the next review (if you don't already schedule reviews, do think about it - it's a good way of fine-tuning care to address any recurrent issues).

I hesitate to mention Covid because we're all truly sick of hearing about it, but I promise you everyone I meet in health and social care is paddling as fast as he or she can.
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Need some actual examples of the issues you're having. You vaguely mention things going missing. Seniors lose their stuff all the time in these facilities, and there is largely nothing the staff can do about it. They're not responsible for personal effects generally.

With dementia he's not living in reality anymore, so you can't believe everything he tells you. Being unable to visit due to COVID makes this harder. Elders almost always complain about their living situations regardless of how nice it is (complaining about the food is the biggest one).

If you're constantly calling, emailing, and Karening over nothing you may end up in a "crying wolf" situation if something serious happens.
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Yes you should expect proffesionalism. Your Father is paying for it. I assume you are legal guardian and or Power of Attorney so the facility sees you as a person of Authority?

Moving him is no guarantee the next place will be any better. As far as who you should trust? It sounds like you listed the people you should be able to trust.

I suggest
1) Find teh Cou8nty Senior support organization in your area. THey will have counselers that can help you. Run all this by them and ask them what they suggest.
2) Have a sit down with the most Sr executive at teh facility and have a candid conversation. tell them you percieve your not being taken seriously etc. ASk them for guidance as to whst they think youu should be doing differently And ask for their support. Take good notes follow up with an email outlining the go forward agreements.
3) If your not doing it take detailed notes of the issues your dealing with and problems/solutions. include date time who you spoke to. I suggest following with an email. If you begin to create a papertrail theey will see this and hopefully they will start doing what they are supposed to. Unfortunatly this could cause retaliation against your Father when your not there so you will have to judge the situation.
4) read the whole agreement you signed so your clear on the terms and conditions
5) Consult with an attorney just in case things do not improve
6) As a back up shop around for a different location. But these places are all full so it is not like changing hotels on vacation.
7) check the state laws as to how they are supposed to conduct themselves
Good luck
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