My 72 year old mother has been diagnosed with spinal stenosis and is awaiting surgery. She has also started struggling to "find the words" and thereby heavily relying on my stepfather to finish sentences. Since my sister and I live in other states and see them only 5-6 times per year, we recently had the opportunity to discuss the situation on a family vacation as my mother's recent decline has us extremely concerned. We are worried that this communication issue is extremely urgent to diagnose and inquired why this hasn't happened.
We expressed the desire to be involved in our mother's care and kept in the loop regarding doctor visits, diagnosis, etc. During this conversation we expressed that we would like to help both of them. We explained that caring for another person can be overwhelming and offered to come to town more to help around the home, go to doctor appointments, run errands, basically anything to help ease the stress of becoming a caregiver.
My stepfather explains to my sister and I that we are the cause of her communication issues because we make her "nervous". She is terrified she is going to lose us - which has never been a possibilty. We expressed our love and concern to them in the most genuine way, and expressed desire to be a support system. Step Father replies "my kids are our support system" which was shocking considering we've always been told WE were his kids too.
We ended that conversation and met for dinner. At dinner, my mother went to the restroom complaining of a stomach ache, my sister followed. My mother preceeded to virtually pass out, have diarrhea and become unresponsive. My husband was witness to this and we decided we needed to call the paramedics. I inform my stepfather who is back at the table that the paramedics were called and was told "that wasn't my f****ing place to make that decision" and basically went berserk with anger that the paramedics were called. He then went in the bathroom with my mother alone and only after repeated attempts by paramedics to enter, opened the door, acting like he was unaware that they had been called. He informed my sister and I that it was our fault that she was in this state. We later were told she had been constipated and asked for laxatives which my stepdad gave her. When paramedics arrived, her blood pressure was critically low and she was dehydrated. She was transported to the hospital and admitted.
There is much more to this story, but my basic question is does it seem odd that he wouldn't want her to have the attention of the paramedics when clearly she needed it? I worry that situations like this may have happened in the past and he has dealt with them alone, not informing us or doctors.
I'm very new to the world of an aging parent with health issues and just need to be sure that my mother is getting the care she needs. Thank you for any advice.
Have you spoken to his children? You may gain some insight about what is really going on. Worth a shot!
Let me ask a question.
Are your step-siblings local and living nearby? If they are then they might be helping out a lot more than you may know. Also, you and your sister only come by 5 or 6 times a year (your words not mine). So when you visit and start up about being kept in the loop and your mother's needs and diagnoses. Yes, you offer to help, but realistically how much help can you and sister give from a different state?
This kind of talk probably does make your mother nervous. You are not wrong to try because they need help. Your mother may be very like mine who will work herself up into a panic attack rather than discuss anything real or that needs to be addressed seriously.
Talk to your step-siblings. See what they know.
The part about your step-father flipping out in the restaurant like you say. If this is true and happened word for word as you say it, did then he has some kind of dementia or wants your mother dead. If such is the case you may have a situation on your hands that is morw than just a typical alpha-male who has to be in charge of everything.
There are of cases where elderly husband caregivers have actually killed their wives and themselves when the caregiving became more than the could handle alone. They fear letting anyone else know how bad their situations were getting because accepting "help" would end with their wives and themselves getting put into "a home".
I worked as an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've personally seen elderly people get placed against their wishes and when there really was no need for them to be taken out of their homes. I understand your step-father may have fear.
I think you, your sister, and your step-siblings need to have a sit-down with your mother and step-father to make some plans. You open that meeting by telling them that no one is going into "a home" and that the state will be kept out of it if they are willing to be reasonable and accept care help.
I have told many, many seniors who were secretive and refused help, that nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
And that is the truth.
Exactly.
Your mom has trouble finding words. That’s often a symptom of dementia.
Your dad has a tendency to blame you and your sister for what goes wrong with your mom. That’s not nice. Has he always blamed?
Do you feel he truly loves your mom? Are the medical mistakes he’s making right now with your mom’s care, just mistakes? Or is it because he doesn’t really love and care about your mom?
I think they need hired care at home. He can’t do all this alone.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/aphasia/symptoms-causes/syc-20369518
Many things can cause aphasia, so your Mom should be encouraged to see a neurologist to discount things like a slow-growing tumor. Ideally, one of her adult children should accompany her to this appointment since her husband seems like an unreliable hot mess.
I agree with others who recommend contacting the husband's adult children, if he has any. You need to have a delicate conversation with them about his odd and worrisome behavior and that you're just trying to find ways to help him and your Mom.
I also agree not to call APS as this point, since the likely outcome of a first visit will be your Mom denying there is a problem. Then you children might be iced out of any further contact with them.
FYI passing out on the toilet is something not uncommon among the elderly who have trouble with BMs. It 's called vasovagal syncope.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/vasovagal-syncope/symptoms-causes/syc-20350527
I wish you all the best as you work through ways to help your Mom and husband.
Can I assume that given this former great relationship you actually know his own kids?
Is there some way you might gently reach out to one of his kids to ask if there are any reasons for any of this that they can help you with?
I think my approach for now would be one of you going to the step-bro or sis you know best; I would first gently explain that you are uncomfortable coming to them, but don't know where to turn. I would then tell them the story just as you told it to us with all details esp. of the dinner. I would make this telling as non-accusatory as I could.
I would then ask them if they can help you. I would ask if they know of anything you may have done to cause this.
I would ask if they have noted any changes in their Dad or his feelings about your family. If there might be something you did that you are unaware of.
I would tell "Dad's" kids you are at a loss and so concerned, that you considered him like a Dad and in the past you always got along so well.
I honestly don't know otherwise what you CAN do. You may be able to find a way to gently question Mom alone, but if she is always in his presence that won't work.
I can't imagine or have any clue to what's up here, but I so agree with you that it is of great concern. I wish you good luck and hope you'll update us.
Next time do not tell him the paramedics are coming. Just call them and handle it.
Also, you probably need to report both of them to APS and try to get an evaluation.
Although you probably should talk to your step siblings, I likely wouldn’t because they will tell their dad and he will gate keep everything even if it will kill her.
Also, you might just have to sit back and let bad things happen. That is a terrible shame, but it’s where a lot of us are. Hugs.
Your step dad sounds like the one with possible dementia. Your mom sounds medically fragile.
Everyone would likely quickly deduce that it was the out-of-town OP or her sister who is visiting.
APS is a last resort not a first response.