Venting...I'm going to start at the top, because if I'm going to vent I might as well do it right. When my mom fell 2 years ago, she was walking with a walker. I was her caregiver then. When se tripped and fell everything changed. She messed up more nerves in her body and had to get surgery. I've been with my mom every step of the way. We had to move into a more mobile apartment that supported a wheelchair. Without going on and on, I've been with my mom throughout everything. I know her medicines better than I know things about myself. I've been there with her at the hospitals, doctors appointments, everything. Even before 2 years ago. More like 10 since my dad passed away. I moved us after she fell. She doesn't like the new place. She doesn't like anything. It's been 2 years and still I haven't had the mental energy to unpack everything. This places still doesn't feel like home. I TRY to get the energy to do it, then I have to listen to her drone on about where something is, about what I did with her things, about how she used to have something. I get it. She's scared. She's lost her sense of independence. Her mobility. She lost her life basically, without being melodramatic. But all I do is help her. It's my life. She doesn't get it. Finances are crazy. I end up paying for her things out of the money I make working from home. It's never enough. Insurance doesn't cover insulin, needles and her pain medication. When I'm done paying for her things I have barely any money left for myself. For food. For anything. Everything is a struggle and her attitude is making it worse. I can never do anything right. Someone hit the car, it's her car, but I drive it since she cannot. She can't even get in the car anymore. We order transporation when we need to go somewhere. Her insurance covers some of that. And we've found other transporation services. But back to the car... it was hit. I had to pay the deductible this month to get it fixed. But I didn't do that right apparently. The rental car I got, I didn't do that right either. NOTHING is ever right. Things have to change. It's either she needs to go to a nursing home or something needs to give. We need more structure. It needs to be more like a caregiver/patient relationship than a caregiver/mother/daughter/whatever thing we have going on. I no longer want to pay for things she needs. I need help. I need advice on how to structure this better so we're both not going crazy. We need to draw lines. How do I do this? I need advice, please!!!! I felt like I just rambled. I hope you guys can hear what I'm asking clear enough.
As for the car and its related costs - why keep it if you cannot use it? Mom doesn't want to part with it? Well, TOUGH. I guess I'm not a real nice person, but I learned the hard way that in these situations you need to push back. You have the power here, you know, and you can use it. No moral problems with that.
Good question. I am. But I suck at it, tbh. We are stuck in a mother/daughter thing, where my mom screams for independence and I try to give it to her, so sometimes she handles the business end of things. There is nothing wrong with her mind. She's 72 years old. Although, since she has been bedridden and has so many medical problems, so she's not as sharp as she used to be, but still sharp enough where I give her reign sometimes.
Part of me is thoroughly annoyed at the idea of myself controlling *everything*. Even though that's the way I know it should be. I step in for things that she truly cannot do for herself.
I know this all needs to change which is why I'm asking for help. Because things are not right. I'd rather be her caregiver, someone that comes in and takes charge of things and then that's that. But not someone that takes comes in and takes charge of things... and is also responsible for all the bad things that happen. Which is probably why I don't do my job thoroughly enough because I'm not invested the way I should be and I know that everything, at the end of the day, will be my fault.
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There is so much great advice in this thread and I'll look into all of it. Thanks everyone!!
The doctor, if made aware that money is tight, could prescribe an alternative that is equally effective. Cymbalta is given many times for fibromyalgia, which is considered a psychological pain ailment. If depression is your mom’s ailment I’d think there are a few alternatives to Cymbalta. As to her pain med, you don’t say what it is but probably it’s the same situation, a new drug that’s
Patented. The big pharma gang make a fortune this way. But a request to the doctor could solve this money expense.
Get a medication formulary from one of the big cheap pharmacies or big box stores with a pharmacy. It will list all the drugs that they sell cheaply. I don't know how expensive Cymbaleer is but something like Zoloft is usually less than $10 a month. so every time a Dr suggests another medication, see if it is on the formulary, check the price and ask the Dr if something cheaper can be substituted. or example a blood thinner like Eliquis is about $400 a month whereas Warfarin is pennies a day. Yes there are blood tests but Medicare should cover them. My own insurance with medicare has premiums that range from $155 a month down to zero. There is no difference in service just higher co-pays. Your eldercare office may have a social worker who can look for the best option for your Mom.
If her money does not cover all of her expences does she have some left over that she spends frivolously.It certainly sounds as though she should qualify for some extra help.
You shouldn't be paying for her meds unless you know exactly what is covered and what isn't.
Have you ever had a consult with an eldercare attorney to get all of her financial issues straightened out?
You don't mention how old your mom is. Does she have cognitive issues? Talk therapy is not particularly effective when someone has lost their problem solving skills.
Cymbals is one antidepressant. She may need a different med, an additional one, but a geriatric psychiatrist should be a good source of prescribing. Do you tell her doctors about her behavior, or is she putting on a show for them?
She sees her primary physician and a pain management doctor. She's still in pain and still depressed though.
I agree that I shouldn't be covering her medicine. I'm fed up with it, tbh. I'm so done. I have to find a way out of this. The thing is, she wants me to make money appear out of thin air. I tell her "Mom, do you know how much money you get? It's not much" and when I want to go over the bills with her, so she can see how everything is allocated, she doesn't want to. Then gets mad at me for not having enough money for everything at the end of the day. She says "When we lived in the other house I had money for everything" ... We had to move because that place had steps. I'm supposed to roll her up and down stairs? Right. This has been non-stop since she fell.
And thanks. I will ask her is she wants to talk to anyone about being in pain and her misery. I think the last time she talked with a psychiatrist was when she was in the hospital for 3 months - that was about 15 years ago when she got a bad staph infection in her back. She seemed to like talking to someone then.
What kind of insurance does she have that doesn't cover insulin?! Are you in the US? Apparently she doesn't have Medicare part D, huh? Why not?
Why isn't she on Medicaid? You should NOT be using your own money to support her. Who is going to support you when you are that age?
Being in pain all the time is unbelievably disabling. That is the biggest medical problem I'd work on.
Start with a needs assessment. Once you know what she needs and what is available, you can structure the situation more effectively.
Good luck ... hand in there!
I had a therapist for a while, but then I stopped going. It was actually a good thing to go and vent to her and come up with personal goals for myself. I had created a social life for myself as well. But it just seems like I reverted back to the misery again.
My mom always seems in good spirits despite her condition. She is bedridden and for the most part she deals with it the best she can. I can only get her out of bed so often and it's a chore to do so, even with a Hoyer lift.
The thing with my mom is that things are alright for a while, until they're not. She's fine with her things I do, until she's not. She acts very kind and nice toward me, and then she doesn't. She says one thing but means another. This is why I just don't do various things because I know that she'll just say that it's not right when I do do them. Then she gets mad at me for not doing it.
It's just hard. She doesn't seem to care what it's like for me. EVERYTHING is about her. Blah.
Thanks all for the advice. The bluetooth earpiece is a great idea... mostly for when she is moaning in pain. I sympathize with her BIG TIME. I can't imagine what it would be like to be constantly in pain, but i cannot stand the sound of her moaning. She tells me to close her bedroom door, but I can't do that! i feel bad, closing her door. So I go in my room and close the door, but that doesn't help. So I listen to music, but it's like I can hear the moaning under the music. Sometimes I wonder if it's even her or just my imagination creating the moaning sound. It makes me feel so anxious and insane. I say "Mom, what can I do to help you? Please?!"... she gets mad at me for asking. I feel like I want to crawl under a rock.
omg, I've just rambled on so much. lol. I'll stop. Sigh...
Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for the advice!
Also get a bluetooth earpiece and listen to uplifting music while dealing with Mom so that you can ignore her as much as possible.
And the very worst part is the guilt I feel for losing my patience, for yelling, for saying things that are not nice. I do everything wrong that I read about when it comes to communicating with him. It's not his fault. I hate feeling guilty.
I don't resent him for taking over any social life, hobbies, dating, vacations, etc. I really don't. It's the loneliness that I feel. It's the loss of the relationship I had with my dad, it's the exhaustion from physically and mentally caring for him.
I don't have a solution for you. I'm on here looking for one as well. Dad has a geriatric psychiatrist, but medications may be helping, it's hard to tell, but it seems that the problem is always me. I have a therapist, and it may help me, but not the dynamics that have evolved between me and my dad.
Good luck! Prayers and good juju being sent.
Next, take your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and get her treatment for her depression and agitation.
Then find yourself a counselor or therapist who can help you learn to say no to your mom's unreasonable demands.