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I need help! I’m going crazy. I feel angry at the world. Am I the only one going thru this??!!!!!!! I had no idea what a Narcissist was until I started reading about it not too long ago. OMG! OMG! My father is a narcissist who is dying of cancer and is currently in hospice living with me, but still under my care 24/7. Yes! Hospice does help a little, but still I’m the one dealing with all the heavy stuff. My brain is soooooo tired, I can’t even continue explaining what HELL I'M GOING THRU. I’m full of anger and feel so alone 😡 and to top it off, my father did not qualify for HHSS! I don’t get a single penny for caring for my dad, but it’s not about the money, It’s about how much more I can do for him to make him more comfortable, but he won’t let me. Funny! He lives with me and I only see him at 9am and 9pm for his medication or if he needs to go to the restroom. He moved in with me in February and since then, I only saw daylight the couple of times I took him to his doctor appointments or ER. I’m a prisoner in my own home.

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Usually, Narcs are asking for MORE and MORE--your dad is a tad unusual in NOT allowing you to do more for him.

You see him twice a day and that's all? SO what are you doing the other 22+ hours of the day? Are you required to stay inside with him and never leave him alone?

Using DAD'S money, hire a PT in home CG for him. Even if this person just gives YOU a break and doesn't do a lot for your dad, you can get out.

If you come back and add more details to your story, that would really help. I am kind of confused as to why he's such a trial when you barely spend any time with him. (Not being judgy, just confused).

Feeling the way you do is absolutely normal. Hosppice/dying parent--not a 'fun' combo for anyone. But you don't need to become a martyr for him, you need to care for yourself first or you'll be useless to him.

Good Luck.
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Your Dad cannot be left alone for even a short period of time? Can you ask Hospice to have the aide stay longer so you can get out for a while. You know they offer respite care. I think its 5 days. Not sure how it actually works but they will put him in a facility or bring people into the home so you can get away.

Does he have any savings what so ever? Maybe get him respite in a facility and then leave him there if he has any savings. When his money runs out, apply for Medicaid. What kept him from being able to get HHSS. Even if he has no savings, he has SS. Maybe you can hire an aid a few hours a week so you can get out using his money.

Talk to the Hospice nurse, tell her what you said here. Maybe she will have some ideas.
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Just because he has stage 4 lung cancer doesnt mean he is dying anytime soon. My mil has stage 3 and you wouldnt even know it. Time to start thinking about how long you want the selfish narcissist to suck the life out of you and how long you arecwilling to have him in your home. There are no rewards for taking care of him. You will not be punished by some higher power if you decide to get him out of your house.
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Hospice is not just for the patient. It's there to support the family, too.

Talk to their social worker and ask what options you have. If the SW tells you "This isn't about YOU," as one did to me, fire that hospice company and get another one on board. The new company will coordinate a seamless transition that won't disrupt Dad's care more than a few minutes.

And no, your dad isn't even close to a narcissist. Armchair psychology isn't useful.
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I am in agreement with Midkid. In my nursing experience, which is albeit limited in terms of psyc, your Dad doesn't qualify as a Narc. if he basically wants to be left alone. When I took my psyc classes I had EVERYONE qualified as some malady or another, including myself, so just know you may be "reading things into this" a bit. Whatever the case is, this is self limiting, as stage IV lung cancer will mean that Dad isn't going to be around forever. And since he has chosen Hospice he is not getting further threatment (Narcs almost never want hospice; they don't believe it's possible they can die, despite all evidence to the contrary).
All that said, you are overwhelmed, and I am so sorry for that. You DO say that you don't see him a lot, so I am wondering myself what exactly you are meaning by overwhelmed. Have you asked Hospice to avail you of clergy, or social worker? While hospice is more and more and more a part of the military industrial complex, and gives less and less of what they once did, with rather rote schedules of who you can see when, they DO give access to these folks who may be able to help you, or provide options for you to see help. Next stop if that doesn't work is consider a few hours of counseling with a Certified Licensed Social worker in PRIVATE practice as a counselor; they are great for life transitions help and guidance.
I am still stuck on "He moved in in Feb and since then I only say dalight a couple of times" and the preceding statement of "He lives with me and I only see him at 9 a.m. and 9 pm for his medications". Can you explain what I am missing. Can you tell me exactly what is overwhelming you? Is it the need to be home and available? Is it the extra work? Has in facility hospice been discussed at all?
I am, again, so very sorry for all you are going through. I surely do wish you the best.
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Hopey1969 Aug 2022
Good evening! My father doesn’t know he’s in hospice care. I didn’t get into the narc details because my head starts hurting every time I want to explain my situation. (Not seeing daylight) my father is extremely weak to walk, he’s fallen 8 times while in my care so we are home 24/7. He doesn’t want to do anything but sleep so I respect that. he refuses for me to supervise him while he walks to the restroom, he told me to stop offering him food, stop telling him to bathe twice a week . He asked for his independence when he can’t even stand up on his own even with his walker. The doctors, nurses, and therapist clearly told him in front of me, he cannot be left alone, he decides which medication to take and when and because he wants to do pretty much what he wants, I let it go to avoid an argument. This is the only thing I can express for now.
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How long do they say he has to live? Does he stay in his room all day? Or are you in your room to keep distance between you? What does he do for meals? Is he still up and about and active? Is he competent?

Ask for more help from hospice. If not, hire some help to do some things for dad so you can get out for yourself.
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