I am caring for a woman who has progressive Alzheimer’s as well as dementia. I have been here for about a month now & I know it’s important to try and keep them on a daily schedule but at this point I feel like it’s impossible. She has the ability to walk, and stand up but is very apprehensive about the getting up part..but that’s another issue. Right now my biggest issue is getting her showered. We try to do every other day (66yrs old) but yesterday as well as today she flat out refuses & she will fight you every step until (normally) she’s actually in the shower. She will Not wash herself AT ALL, I’ve tried multiple times & it just doesn’t register with her besides I’m sure she’s forgotten what that even means. So I wash her as best as I can. I feel like I can’t do my job like I should because I can’t force her to do anything but the constant pressure of her husband wanting her to stay on a schedule as much as possible (I’m aware that’s the best thing) but what do you do when they simply will not cooperate??? Since I’ve been working for this particular patient my anxiety & stress level are insane! I am literally emotionally/mentally exhausted every single day I leave work to the point that I’m so tired when I get home that I have to fight with everything in me to get anything done in my own home. Needless to say my home is a mess & I have read everything to try and understand what I can do but so far I haven’t been able to figure out how to get her showered or even coax her into using the bathroom @3 times a day bc she will not get up and go on her own. HELP!!!!
Being a caregiver (or in my own field, an educator) is not about perfection. It’s about meeting the ever changing needs of those that we care for. Some days that may mean showering. Some days it will not.
My MIL who moved in with us three months ago still refuses to have any bathing done of any kind (not even a wet facecloth), or her toenails cut. She hasn’t had either in well over a year. I CHOOSE not to let it bother me because I know there is no reasoning with her (hello, broken brain!) and harassing her into a bathroom is neither safe nor productive in building a positive relationship.
You need to try to let go of the control, and empower your patient to make their own choices.
Sincerely,
Sonny ;)
You don't need to shower everyday. 2 or 3 times a week is enough.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goal should be to keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own).
This list would be good to print out and post where the husband will be able to refer back to it daily. You also may want to sit with him to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so he can learn better ways to engage with her to make the daily care less contentious.
Dementia is a progressive disease and thus she is in the process of change/decline every day, so being a flexible problem solver is what a caregiver needs to be. Wishing you success in finding the right strategies to help the both of them!