I was my mother’s caretaker for 15 years. She passed away about 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t grieved. I just feel empty inside. Ideas?

Different for everyone. No right or wrong. It just is what it is. Maybe you've been grieving day by day for the last 15 years.

I too went through this. You may not realize it but you were silently grieving while you were taking care of her but you were so consumed with the daily duties you did not recognize your feelings. This is perfectly normal and you are now relieved. Rest in peace knowing you did all that you could do. There is nothing wrong with you.

My father passed away on December ,29, 2019. When I see his face ( photos),. I start crying and at other times, I don't cry. I was his primary caregiver for 3 years. I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I just pray to God that I will see him one day. I try to remember the good times that we had together. May Almighty God continue to bless you each and everyday.

You say you haven't grieved yet, let my suggest something that people don't often think about. I don't know what illness/disease your mom had but if it was something that was long term such as Alzheimer's' or another form of dementia or a long bout with cancer of some other disease you may have been grieving for months or years before her death. Individuals often grieve the loss of a loved one long before the death. You can grieve the loss of the person you knew as their illness progressed.

I have had many clients call me upset because they did not "cry" at their loved one's funeral and was concerned that something was "wrong with them." When this happens I gently remind them that they have been grieving the loss of their loved on for a long time and that they had simply already cried all their tears long before the funeral. There is nothing wrong with them or their situation.

Monica-
I wanted to repost your reply to my post. Your words are such a strong reflection of who we are as caregivers. We constantly put ourselves last- we shouldn’t. Please do let someone put you first for a while.
“Thank you. Hadn’t really thought of having someone deal with the daily chores. Will definitely see about having someone clean - both my house and my mother’s.”

My dad died the day before Thanksgiving last year. The first time I really cried was seven months later when I was telling some friends I hadn't seen in years about his passing. It hit out of nowhere, and I was completely dumbfounded (and mortified because we were in a restaurant).

Now I realize that the grieving comes in waves. I'm not one to commemorate the date someone dies, but in the weeks before the one year anniversary of Dad's death, I started getting pain in my chest, my stomach hurt, and I felt an overwhelming sadness. Once the day passed I was fine.

Your emptiness is akin to when my last child finally moved out of the house. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and for want of a better word, I was suddenly unemployed. I felt a terrible void and an emptiness, and you do, too, because the work you've been doing for 15 years is suddenly gone. It's all normal.

Don't force yourself to grieve or think something's wrong because you haven't done it. You will in your own time.

It sucks! I know not eloquent at all but it all really just sucks. IMHO There is no "good time" to die, or anything good about seeing & taking care of someone who needs care that you love, like or even don't at the end of their life. It all just sucks! There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit But there is some care you need to do for you.
My mom passed away on Oct 17th 2017. I haven't dealt with it at all. In fact, I keep telling myself she's on vacation & laughing about it. Well, I did cry but I really didn't deal with what she & my dad, sisters, nephews & husband - who had a special relationship with her - went thru, witnessed had to decide etc. I know I have PTSD. Luckily, I have a beautiful dad who was with her since they were 12 & 14 yrs old. My mom was 75. So, I fill a lot of my time with my dad cause I am a freak about him dying although he is very healthy at 79. I am pretty sure I haven't grieved all that much because I am a live-in care giver for my MIL & BIL. I figure my mind and body just can't handle 1 more thing. I'm sure many people know that feeling. Because I haven't dealt with it on top of my care giving issues I am having a lot of dibilitaitng health issues so my advice - after my long story - is when you are ready get help. Go to a support group. Talk to someone on a help line. Write in a journal. Do all the things I haven't been able to get myself to do because you are only going to hurt yourself. In the meantime, check out this site...
https://whatsyourgrief.com/ It has great advice & keeps everything real.
I wish you the best. Be kind to yourself and rest. I can only imagine how tired you must be. 😔🙏

I'm so sorry for your loss. Fifteen years is a long time to be a caregiver and the grief may have not come yet. There is no time limit for when grief starts and stops. Big hugs ((( ))).💞💞

im so sorry for your loss. Grieving comes in stages. Give your self a lot of grace... God does. What you have been through is traumatic, and exhausting. Allow your body and mind to rest, and practice some self care. Self care doesn’t have to mean massages or spa days ( although that doesn’t hurt) it means nurture your body mind and soul.

Read, take walks, take really deep breaths, spend quiet time with someone you love, who really knows you. Sit quietly with them, or have a glass of wine and fall asleep on their shoulder after crying your heart out.

Begin to see beautiful things and places around you or on the Internet.. keep a journal. If your a believer then spend time Pray. Even if you don’t know how to put your thoughts into words right now; tell HIM that. Allow yourself to take time out to grieve... and know that it doesn’t happen in 2 weeks or 2 months.. I think there are parts to grieving that take years to achieve.

God bless you, sweet caregiver and faithful child.

Sorry for your loss. There is a lot of great input in all of these posts. I have 5 siblings and we all grieved for my mom in different ways and on different timelines. As you were your mother's caregiver, you had a daily routine that was focused on her. You will now need a new routine. If you can, I suggest a short vacation. Being in a new environment will require you to create a new daily routine. It will remind you of what you love to do. This info can be helpful in setting up new routines back home. If you can't get away right now, try starting with a blank piece of paper and jot down ideas for a new routine. Another suggestion is take a few minutes each day to remember your mom from the good old days to make your day a little less empty.

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. My Dad passed away Oct 27, 2019.

I didn't want to grieve. I cried when he passed and at the funeral. Not because he died but I cried for the times I couldn't cry when I was his caregiver. Being a caregiver involves giving all you have, physically and mentally.

Some days you are like a zombie out of pure exhaustion but still keep offering care to our loved ones (and not so loved ones). The last month's seeing him decline were the hardest.

After the funeral I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I just wanted to be at home, my home. My Dad died where he wanted, at his home. I still haven't visited the cemetery. I haven't stayed at his house. I don't want to go through his things, I'm not ready.

I want to keep him alive as long as I can, not because I don't want to accept his death but because I need to have him help me get through all the things I saw and felt through the dying process.

All of us deal with death in our own way. There is no right way and no time table.

I do pray that you have peace and find comfort in time. Please know that many of us here are more than happy to help. GOD BLESS!

You have been taking care of your mother for l5 long years. I assure you, whether you know it or not, you have been grieving all that time. It is normal that now you feel empty - you did all the grieving while she was here. I went through this when my husband had cancer and died horribly. I was relieved his pain and suffering were over. What you feel is normal. Now you have to find those things that will fulfill you and bring you joy. Don't wait. Start getting involved today - now. You will be fine.

For me - 8 yrs of caretaking a very demanding mother has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. I am a shell of a person I once was. My mother is on hospice now and they are a God-send, but I still have caretaking duties. When she passes, I don’t think I can cry. I have not been in touch with those feelings for a long time. I will just take it as it comes to me. We have lost many loved ones in the past 8 yrs and we’ve kind of gotten used to this. I miss them all terribly, but not sure I will miss caring for my mother when the time comes. I know my mother will be in a good place when her time comes and I know our other loved ones are all in a good place. I hope to get my life back one day and a chance to recover from all my caretaking days.

Dear Monica25,
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom too on Sept 29 of this year. I was her caretaker for almost 6 years. I was with her full time 24/7 for the last 2 and1/2 years because of her dementia and because of her falling. I was by her side when she passed at home and although I knew her time was coming, it still doesn't prepare you for the actual passing. I was talking to the hospice nurse on the phone because mom was showing signs of distress earlier and I wanted them to come to the house right away and it was as I was talking to the nurse when mom passed. I didn't cry or anything, just took it as a matter of fact. All that day I felt like I was somewhere else.
So now it is the holidays and I miss mom, miss her presence just miss her. She was a very lovely person and she had a lot of friends during her lifetime (96) years young when she passed, but she was ready. She knew she was going too, so I just told her it was ok to go that I was going to take care of everything, and she needed worry about the house. Everything was going to be fine. So she looked at me and said ok. She passed the next day after that.
But like everyone says, you grieve in your own way and when the time is right it will all come out and you will feel better and able to get on with your life. My friends and family telling me so what are you going to do now? I just replied I don't know. I am taking one day at a time, doing things little by little. Other than that most days I do nothing. I have my daughters here, so on weekends we go out for lunch or shopping or a movie. Keeping busy is actually a good thing.
My prayers to you and I know you will find your way. Meg 523 has good thoughts. It helps me too.

I know how it is. I’ve done it, and I didn’t know what to do when my parents passed. It took me three years to get this far, but that’s because I made a mistake you haven’t made. I waited too long to ask for help. I didn’t want it, I had already enough interference and had become avoidant. Finally going to Cruse bereavement helped a bit, but six weeks of counselling is not long enough. It just gets you started.
Right now, your probably in shock, numb, scared, in a whirl and wondering where you’ve gone in all of this.
Most of your sense of identity has been wrapped around looking after your parents.
Now it’s really important to look after yourself and to understand how important you are and are going to be, even if you can’t be important to your parents any more. This will take time to see in yourself.
Believe me, you will have a capacity to enjoy life and be an important cog in the wheel of life for yourself and others once you have let go of the role you have had. You’ll be able to take what is useful from the experience and ditch what isn't.
Try to connect with good people. Don’t allow yourself to become taken advantage of in a way that’s not good for you. Care for yourself above all others. It sounds selfish but that’s what you need for now. Try your best to eat well, don’t drink poison like alcohol to excess, or take up any habits that shut you off from your feelings to much. A bit of escapism is good though, gives you a break. Don’t fill that empty space with horrible stuff, only things that give you joy and a connection with the here and now, which will become better.
On a daily basis(it even hourly), give yourself time to look at the bigger picture, the world out there, and how much the people out there that you haven’t met yet are going to appreciate you and your experience. If you have a faith that works for you, or any idea of wanting or needing a faith, connect with that even if you don’t understand it. You don’t have to.
Never expect to have to grieve any certain way. Grieve means to cry, as most of us want to cry, but you don’t have to, you can cry or not cry. It doesn’t matter to anyone else. It’s your grief. Your cry. Any way you want. To music, to art, to photograph, to the sky, nothing at all as many times as you want and for as long as you want even years down the line.
Remember, you are not alone in the world. You have a huge family out here of other humans especially those of us who have cared for parents. Your experience has probably isolated you and you may prefer to stay that way because it’s familiar, but it may not be as healthy as getting out there.
Try doing something you like but have forgotten you like. When it comes to you. When you’re ready. It could be dance, a musical instrument, yoga, running, art, walking. I find that creative pursuits are helpful for getting me in a better place in my head, even if I’m not much good at them. The key is to enjoy, risk trying something and learning. Not to be good at something, though that might come!
I wish you luck and love in your new life. I hope that you eventually come to a place that’s better and full of joy and laughter. Life is always a bit tough, and fiddly, but you’ve overcome the worst of it, and will do so even more so, because you’ve already reached out for help, and that’s a great skill. Not everyone can do that, seriously-good for you! Hope you take what helps you. 💜Naomi

I understand that this is a normal reaction for many people. I suspect that this is a defense of your deep feelings of loss. Don’t worry, let your psyche process your loss. Just follow your gut. Your deeper self will guide you.

sorry for your loss.

You now have a lot of time on your hands that you need to fill, with time as you start to fill that empty time is when you will start to fell better so sorry for you loss

Im so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing wrong with you. In time you will grieve. And when it does you'll know & let it come & go with it. Cry it out, talk to God & who ever will listen. Loss is difficult & hard. But you must let it out. You still have a whole life around you to dive into. Enjoy what you have, relish it keep busy with it & talk to who ever your higher power is. You know from what you have gone through that life is short & time slips away with are daily lives. Live each day to the dullest & thank God you had the the special time with each of your parents & those are yours alone & precious relationships. Live yourself & try very hard not to feel guilty. Your are special & strong & when the time comes you will find peace. You are in my heart. I've also list my brother who was so supportive & good to me he has been gone almost 2 years & I still cry @ times. I also lost my 2 best friends in the past year. They were my fur babies but still the same they were part of me & my family for 17 years. My female helped me through breast cancer & my male helped me see through the passing of my female. Now I only have me & my husband. So I cry when I need to & go over memories of them all. I keep busy & most of all I know I need to also take care of me. And I don't feel guilty about that. If I'm not good I can't be good to or for anyone else. I help my single mom daughter & Mr 6 year old granddaughter & try to be there for my son also. It helps tremendously to talk about what you are & are not feeling. Take it one step @ a time, one day @ a time and it will happen, things will come together. Trust in God & give him your hand & he'll help you. He will give you what you need not what you want. If you need me I am here. We can talk. 👍❤😊 you do have the courage & strength to move forward.

Take your time. You are still in shock. Your life and identity for 15 years have involved taking care of your mother and now she is suddenly no longer there. You have yourself back, but that may take some time to get used to. You have "pre-grieved" for 15 years. With time you will move into memories of happier times.

My condolence to you and your family. Be patient and kind to yourself, we all grieve differently. May Gods comfort and peace wash over you.

I'm so sorry for your loss

You may be left with a bit of “what do I do now” feeling. When your father died, you still had your mother to see to. But there’s no one left to take care of now. So your brain may be trying to figure out what to do.

Take time, be gentle with yourself. See how it goes. Eventually, life has a way of filling the voids. Lots of hugs for you, my dear.

Volunteer your caregiving skills, it's worth more than you think....

I'm so sorry for your loss. Caregiving is such an immersive experience...we often slip into the role and it ever increases with the person's needs and our providing assistance, often in so many ways and for so much of our daily lives...and then, in a blink...it is over. So my guess is you are grieving in your own way, but maybe you just think not compared to the image you have in your mind of what it looks like. I don't think it is a straight or cookie-cutter kind of path and is as variable as the individuals involved. Also caregiving for such a long time it is as if you have been grieving and anticipating the loss all along...if you feel up to doing anything, help others...if not...maybe a nap? Cut yourself some slack. And if you want to talk about it, find someone...

We all grieve differently, and sometimes that grief is a sense of relief instead of the pain that we usually associate with losing someone. When my grandpa died there was a sense of joy in his passing because he was so very ill and in so much pain. He was one of the most important people in my life, and I loved him dearly with all my heart. It has been more than 40 years and I still think of him often. But I have never felt the expected feelings of painfulness. Instead, I skip over the bad and remember the wonderful things he did to show me love. When my grandma passed there were a few days of extreme pain at losing her, but overall it was a feeling that she was no longer struggling and in physical distress. She was a vital part of my life and losing her was devastating, but I knew it was coming and perhaps I had been in grieving throughout the time she was passing instead of at the actual passing. Like my grandpa, I still think of her often. Both of them had a major role in raising me.

Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that fits for you. I truly believe that when people are ill for a long time, the grief is very different from what we expect it should be. As caregivers, we see a different side to things, and that is okay. Fill the emptiness with wonderful memories of times before your mom got sick and you became the caregiver. Do NOT compare yourself to others who are feeling the pain of your mom's passing right now - as her caregiver your experience with her was very different from theirs - it just seems normal to me that grieving would be different, too.

It was Jana Robers abd miss her so much abd really want to see her so badly but have to wait during resurrection time

Did she live with you? I think what you are feeling might be the loss of the responsibility of taking care of her.

My mother is living in AL and doesn’t like it. She can’t feed herself so I go to feed her lunch and dinner. I’m sure her care level will increase during the three month evaluation. Her health has continued to decline. She continues to show evidence of active dying. I am sure I will feel the emptiness after she passes but she is very controlling and I don’t think I’ll miss that! Sometimes she is very sweet. I accept whatever mood she’s in. Maybe in your case you will have to give it time. Good luck to you! Prayers and big hugs going your way! ❤️🤗

I still can't imagine loosing my parents. It hurts so much to think about it that I dread the day it happens. I do try to prepare myself though. I do not want them to become bedbound or suffer severe dementia. I'd rather they go before they lose who they are as a person, but, I don't know what God has in store. So far, their mind seems fine.

I've been grieving the loss of my cousin, who has end stage dementia (hospice) for years. I still cry when I think of what she's going through, so, her passing will be a relief really. I know she wants to join her parents and sister.

I lost one of my best friends this past spring who was only 59 years old and I still cry about it all the time. I don't know when that pain will dwindle. I wish I did have some suggestions. I've heard about a support group. What I do is visit with my friend's mother and we talk about my friend and all he meant to us and what a great man he was. I think that helps me some.

It's ok, Look up Kubler Ross stages of grief. Most folks follow that progression of grief. When my Gram died I felt relief: relief that she no longer had pain or disability, relief that mom (primary caregiver) was free of this responsibility, and relief for myself (secondary caregiver) that I was free for new opportunities. If you are concerned after reading Kubler Ross stages of grief, find a grief group... like GriefShare which usually meets in churches.

My dad just died a few weeks ago after I had cared for him in my home for 9 months as his dementia progressed. It was a relief but also a sad struggle to watch him die. It was only a short time until Christmas and I hadn’t done a thing so I went about doing my shopping etc. suddenly feeling so free not needing respite care for him. I’ve found that I sort of put my grief “up on a shelf“ to do Christmas. Now that it’s over it’s creeping out in little ways. Not an over the top boo hoo fest as it was when my husband died, but more of a melancholy feeling as I think back over my memories of caring for him and the fact that a human life that was important to me is now gone from this plane of existence. Having experienced a lot of grief this one is really different for me but I’ve also learned that grief is full of surprises and no 2 situations are alike.