I want to make sure I'm doing *NOTHING* wrong by mom. She is newly widowed and living with us.
Hi there. Definitely new to caregiving. I'm 40 and my mom is 68. She and dad were married 46 years when he suddenly and traumatically and unexpectedly passed. That was in April of this year.
From April 25th to July 4th (with a weeklong respite flying home to Nevada so I didn't k**l anyone-sarcasm) I was mostly taking care of mom and funeral and death and cremation stuff alone. My sister (who's awesome, but also lives in KS) has been a huge help, doing as much as she can- but has jobs plural between her and her husband, 3 school-aged kids, and they live in the middle of nowhere, so it made "sense" that mom would move in with my husband and I- we already have cats (BIL is allergic) so her 2 being added was awesome, I live in a large city with convenient medical services, i have a vehicle she can pretty easily enter and exit- and I’m not working, myself.
The hard part is that me and my sister are pretty sure that mom is and has always been emotionally abusive/negligent and I’m neurospicy and mentally ill. I’m ON SSDI for my mental, which is WHY I’m not working-- but since I have time, space, access, and love in my heart, this seemed like a good idea.
It is now 4 months since dad passed, I FINALLY have a therapist again after 2 years of not, and I’m trying to process my grief, as well as years of trauma and how to be here and supportive for mom as best as possible.
I’m coming apart at the seams.
Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who has reassured me that if taking care of mom continues to negatively affect my mental health he will further step in. also, my sister has let me know that they can take over for us with enough notice.
I just don't want to give up and I don't want to lose my (up till this point) wonderful relationship with my mom.
Right now, I’ve been up all night trying to clean and organize and quietly do anything so i don't have to face her ungrateful-seeming and tone deaf statements.
I KNOW she lost her husband. We are ALL giving her all the space to grieve and everything she needs, but she keeps waving off grief support anything and just wants me to do ALL the phone calls and ALL the planning, and I just can't do this all myself anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to yeah idk.
While he was in rehab, our septic tank overflowed and I was responsible to repair the house from the sewage overflow that bubbled up through the toilets. I had no household help or outside care for him. I had no family help, either. And there was much more going on family-wise and work-wise - I was the only one there to handle it all.
So when I look at this post about an abusive 68-year-old woman who can't do this and can't do that and somebody thinks they have to do everything for her, I don't understand. WHY? I mean, God help us. WHY?? Unless she's flat on her back with some horrific disease and throwing up or comatose, expect her to get up and get out and get herself to appointments. And get a life. She could take up tap dancing. She could go kayaking. I know lots of people into their 90s who do these very things. Yes, you read that right.
Especially, OP, since you have your own health issues and need to take care of yourself first. Don't let her suck you dry.
Losing a husband doesn't have to be the end of life - it can be the beginning of a whole new wonderful awesome world.
But only if you stop being mommy's nanny.
Losing your Dad suddenly was a shock, I'm sure, but she was his wife. She is the person who should be taking the reins on funeral planning and such. If you want to help out, that's great, but it's her responsibility, not yours.
When my dad passed, the funeral director was a treasure trove of information about resources for everything my mom could possibly need. You might want to check with that person to direct your mom to services she needs. In my area, the Register of Wills office is also very helpful.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Seek out helpers who can speak directly to your mom so she can take care of things herself. Best of luck to you!
The OP needs to protect herself from her mother.
Having her mother live with her is a recipe for her to have a breakdown.
And save your prayers for all the innocent children being abused by their parents right now. God can suck it.
It's ultimately not a good idea to permanently keep your mom living with you - doing this short term during these months was a great support for her and you should feel really good about yourself for all that you did. BUT, I think you need to re-frame this - and it would, in essence, be a disservice to your mom and to her own future growth and happiness to keep her living with you indefinitely. She's only 68 yrs old - and it'll be an adjustment for a while, but she needs to meet other people and live somewhere else - maybe a retirement community or assisted living - where there's social activities, meeting others, and medical support on the premises. If she continues as is, she'll be in a complete rut in a few years and it'll be harder to start a new chapter for herself.
So, look at this as you will be doing her a FAVOR by supporting her in next steps of her life. It should be presented as something that'll be positive. Plus, you've described your mother as being emotionally abusive and you need to protect your own well-being from that - YOU are important. Living with someone who is emotionally abusive is like eating poison.
In these next few months, please start looking into some nice options for your mom to consider. In your title statement, you said that "you want to make sure that you do NOTHING wrong by mom." Well, in my humble opinion, it would be WRONG to keep your mom living with you for the long run- so that said, the RIGHT thing would be to help her find her next new home.
Wishing you all the very best ~
"AND i'm saying no too, i spent all of my therapy session telling him i'm tired and petting one of my cats."
I'm not sure what you expected from the forum's posters. You complain about "coming apart at the seams" and you are tired, yet your initial question seemed to be making sure you are doing nothing "WRONG" by your mother.
If the suggestions given here aren't to your liking, I suggest you push your therapist to help you in more specific ways than listening to you say how tired you are while petting a cat.
What does the therapist say about your taking in an abuser? What does the therapist say about making sure you are doing nothing "WRONG" by your mother? Have you even asked?
Mother is 68? After some family time to grieve, why hasn't she returned to her home to start the next chapter of her life?
OK, with further reading I see Mom's house is full of stairs. Plus she has this to deal with;
"mom- OA,RA, fibro, new knee, walking with a walker, pretty limited mobilty ftmp and a whole lotta pain, after physical therapy gets started she's looking at her next replacement- same side hip".
I can see you have swooped in to help. No shame in that!
But when the F.O.G lifts you may see clearer what to do next. Therapy, elder services, social services may have advice & resources.
In a nutshell: Mom needs to take on her responsibility.
Mom will need to to re-assess her life as a new widow. Look at where & how she will live. If her 2/3 story home is unsuitable, downsize into something more appropriate.
You can help her FIND her next home, you don't need to provide it.
But even more importantly than housing, your role is not to become her housegirl, her everything, her new partner. That way lies big trouble. An elder's life just absobs yours. (You will both be living the life of one low mobility 68 year old)
Imagine if you could help Mom stand on her own feet - encourage her to seek help for her ailments (including grief & depression) and thrive again!
Have tonnes of experience setting & maintaining healthy boundaries. The aim is for solutions that work for ALL of your family. So each member gets their needs met.
Because YOU matter too!
When a parent has had a strong impact on your mental health - ESPECIALLY if you are neurospicy - you have to be VERY careful in a caregiving situation. You mention that your mother has always been negligent/emotionally abusive. You layer on to that the fact that she is grieving - and I'm going to make some assumptions that your father may have been the control or touchstone that kept her in line (that's just an assumption, I could be wrong).
Only 4 months have elapsed and you are already walking on eggshells. I'm already on edge for you, I'm not going to lie. My youngest daughter is neurospicy herself - mildly autistic and ADHD-C. My DH - though not diagnosed - I strongly suspect has ADHD. His father is an abusive narcissist. When DH and his sister became "share"-givers after their mother passed away - SIL live-in with her DH, and DH and myself local - we didn't really understand what we were walking into. And it VERY quickly spiraled out of control.
As gently as I can put this - no one should ever become a caregiver for their abuser. And it doesn't matter if they ever laid a hand on them. Emotional abuse is still abuse. And it is the kind of abuse that doesn't end when you leave home or when you get big enough to protect yourself. Emotional and psychological abuse is something that a person can continue to do to their victim until the day they die. My FIL continues this even from his nursing home now. Daily.
I want to tell you something very important. Not caring for your mother in your home...that's NOT giving up. If you come to the conclusion that you can't for the sake of your mental health or your marriage or whatever reason continue to have her in your home. And your sister decides that it won't work for her to have her in her home and expose her to her children and continue the generational trauma and you decide together that she has to find another living arrangement.
That is NOT giving up. That is holding HER accountable for her own care. She is 68. My mom is 76 and is full time caregiver for MY GRANDMOTHER. 68 is only 8 years older than my SIL who was taking care of my FIL. Does she actually NEED caregiving? Or is she just in shock right now from the loss of your father and you felt like she needed help? There are a whole lot of other ways she can live that don't rely on your taking care of her.
Your mental health and your own life are just as important. And your time to grieve is also just as important. You can and should take a moment to really consider your other options. She is YOUNG. She could live with you for 30 more years. It's ok to put your own mental health at the forefront.
"Neurospicy" is the new nonsense catch-phrase of the day?
Everyone is "neurospicy" to a degree, only most of us have to keep our spicy in check because we have to earn our living and the world holds us responsible to do that.
In all honesty though, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. Grown adults who can collect disability for being spicy in their thinking.
God help us all.
I ask partly because, when I was widowed (31) people were ready to pack my belongings, sell my house and move me back to my hometown and in with my mother. I couldn’t fathom why some people were so insistent!
I stayed in my house for years, remarried and have a second wonderful marriage.
We gave my (widowed at 63) mother the choice to move here when she was 78 and unable to cope in her own home.
The OP doesn't support herself the state does. So there's no way she can be supporting her mother too.
The mother will have to look after herself in senior living and if she has need of homecare services that can be arranged. She's over 65 and Medicare will pay for some services if they are needed. Medicaid will pay also.
At 68, there should not be age decline unless Dementia is present. The health problems don't seem that bad. My friend lived alone with heart problems and diabetes and used a walker. She had no help from her sons (her fault). A few friends helped when needed. Basically, she did everything for herself.
You have babied Mom enough. Time for her to go forward. She can grieve all she wants but she has to do what she can for herself. She makes her own calls. She washes her own clothes. Keeps her room clean. She would have to do it all if she lived alone. If she acts unappreciative, I may say "Mom u don't seem happy here. Would u rather have a place of your own?" If she says she rather stay then say "things have to change". Tell her you understand that she is grieving but that does not mean it gives her the right to be nasty. You do things for her because u love her but a please and thank you would be nice. If she stays then things have to change. You cannot do everything for her. She needs to do for herself as much as possible. Remind her u have a disability. You need to work together. Give her chores. She can cut potatoes, make a salad. She needs to get back into life.
She's only 68 years old. That is very young in the big picture of things, and you haven't listed any major health issues or concerns that should warrant be cared for.
I am now 64 years old and lost my husband when I was 61, and even though yes I have arthritis, and fibromyalgia, I never once thought about moving out of our home and moving in with either of my children. I'm enjoying my new found freedom and life and given time your mom probably would have too had she been left where she was and given the chance.
You yourself say that you have some mental health issues and yet you opted to move your mom in who also has some mental health issues. Did you not foresee that that might cause some major issues between you two? I'm guessing not or you wouldn't have moved forward with the plans.
But now she's there, and for now you're stuck with her. It might be time to start taking her to different independent living or assisted living facilities in your area, so your mom can be around other people her own age and start building a new healthier life away from her children and have some fun.
Like already said, she could live for another 30 years. Do you really want your next 30 years spent with her?(I can't imagine you do) If not, time to make some changes now, before she gets too settled in and then you'll have to evict her.
I wish you and your husband well in getting your lives back, and to mom starting to live and enjoy her life again.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
This is not a good situation for your mother no matter how much love you may have in your heart.
Help her find a senior community she can move to. She's over 65 and can still live independently.
You are already stressed and this has not even begun. Who suggested this move in? And why in the world did they do so? In what way could your husband conceivably "help" you to have two women heading this household?
I cannot myself imagine why you would do this. I really cannot. I think it is really a bad decision. Given that you have apparently made this decision I cannot imagine what to say about it. I don't know how long you have been reading Forum, but the walls here are papered with those who have lost family and their lives, certainly their sanity, from trying to take in their elders. There is no upside to it; it is a slow and certain slog downward.
I would ask you to get some serious counseling about this plan before you carry it in. To be frank, it is horrifically complicated to get a senior out of your home once you take that senior into your home and make it his or her home. Complicated in every way.
This is your life. You are free to live it. You are free to throw it on the pyre and watch it burn away. The choices are up to you. I can only wish you the very best of luck.
Why are you taking care of her if she was emotionally abusive and negligent?
This is going to get much worse for you. Time to cast off the savior/martyr cloak you've donned...
But, you wrote that she is making "ungrateful-seeming and tone deaf statements". Is it possible she has depression? If she were having cognitive problems at 68, it'd likely be ALZ but it doesn't usually start out with the behavior you've mentioned.
You wrote, "...me and my sister are pretty sure that mom is and has always been emotionally abusive/negligent..." If this is the case then why are you taking her in? Do you expect her to be someone different? Please consider that you have a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship with her. Her living with you won't be a good thing for your marriage -- no matter how "supportive" your husband is. He is until he isn't.
Also, if you're going to be her caregiver it would be wise to have her assign both you and your sister as PoAs. Please read the multitude of posts on this forum from loving and well-meaning adult children of failing parents who fall into a crisis when they realize that having the legal ability to manage affairs and make decisions for a cognitively compromised parent is essential as their state gets worse. This would be a #1 condition of her living with you.
If I were in your shoes, I'd get my Mom to make an appointment with her primary doctor. She must be on Medicare by now, so a wellness check I think is mostly covered. At this appointment you can discretely hand the doctor (or staff) a note you wrote in advance, saying who you are and why you are having concerns for your Mom's mental/cognitive health. If at all possible, ask to be in the exam room with her. Before leaving from this appointment, ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form. Have your Mom write in you and your sister's names and then your Mom signs it and returns it to the check-in desk. This allows your Mom's medical team to legally discuss your Mom's private health information without your Mom having to be present. It also allows them to take in any health info about your Mom from you or your sister without your Mom having to be present. I did this with my MIL and the staff has done it all before, so they usually are totally happy to help.
My Mom is 94, single and lives in the house next door to me. Before she moved there (in 1997) she was working and traveling and having her own life right up until 68. Then when she moved next to me she did all my shopping, cooking, cleaning and carpooling. She traveled with my 3 young sons by herself for 10 more years. I'm not saying this is the standard for your Mom, but don't enable her to be less than what she can be. Enabling: doing for someone something that they are (in reality) able to do for themselves (even if it isn't perfect or done the way you'd do it).
I wish you success in working out an arrangement to help your Mom, but not at the expense of your own mental/physical health or marriage.
this resonated the most with me so far for a response-- i've already taken her to her first PCM appt and she has referrals for pain mgmt and physical therapy--
i guess i failed to mention that mom got her knee replaced last august and i drove back to help dad get her around, start getting her new much-more-limited mobility life started.
the house i grew up in had 3 stories that mom could not longer access starting in about '95, she got sick in her 30s. my mom has ALWAYS been sickmom and dad was always the one that did literally everything.
the most common statement from my relatives to me has been "we really had no idea how much your dad did for your mom"
and it's only been recently with EMDR therapy i've realized the things about mom, like i figured she had depression issues, growing up with an absent father raising her siblings, but it was never elaborated upon
i don't think i'm a fcuking martyr it felt like the right thing to do
reading all this, yes, i am new to this, condescend to me like the sweet summer child i am all you want, i'm literally doing my best
AND i'm saying no too, i spent all of my therapy session telling him i'm tired and petting one of my cats.
i'm doing the best i can with what i have right now
i wonder if that addressed everything? mom- OA,RA, fibro, new knee, walking with a walker, pretty limited mobilty ftmp and a whole lotta pain, after physical therapy gets started she's looking at her next replacement- same side hip.
To me this is a very illogical decision that is doomed to fail.
If you want her near you, find her an apartment.
My mother is 98, your mother can easily live for another 20-25 years are you really ready for this? I think not.
My mom was widowed at 72. She grieved, and then continued to live her life (going to college, attending exercise classes, meeting friends).
Is mom disabled in some way?
Stop doing for her what she can do for herself.
I strongly suggest that she either move to a condo, apartment or other living arrangement. Anywhere but with you and your husband.
Use the new month to start looking for a place for her.
When the time comes that your mom actually needs help then you can revisit the living arrangements.
Having her move out will help your mental and emotional health.
You wrote: "it is now 4 months since dad passed, i FINALLY have a therapist again after 2 years of not, and i'm trying to process my grief, as well as years of trauma and how to be here and supportive for mom as best as possible."
Here's the thing you DON'T owe your mother anything. You don't have to have her living with you to show her support if you really feel like you should after her abusive behavior to you when you were a helpless child. You are no longer that helpless child and don't have to further torment yourself by having mom live with you.
I hope your therapy leads you to get mom out of your house ASAP. Good luck. Adults do not have to continue to be abused by their abusive parents. Choose yourself to save and not your mother. Your house should be your safe space, not a place where you are further abused. You deserve to be at peace in your own home.
Forget about the home care, tour some AL facilities together, and help her move into one.