My mother lives in New York, me and my husband visit her frequently but she has not socialized or seen friends in a year because of the virus. Her personality has changed dramatically, it's quite scary. I have noticed for the first time in her life she's very depressed and is a little forgetful, her self esteem is rock bottom. I'm not sure if she has dementia or Alzheimer's but this could be early symptoms, how do I get help for her or what type of doctor should see? Before the lockdown she always was happy and upbeat had high self esteem and didn't allow to be put down. No memory problems. I do know for that past year her brother who is 93 -my Uncle- calls her almost every day and they talk for about 4 hours. He is much better off than her, has much more money and lives in a better area, he will brag about that for hours and she tells him things like "wow you're the best, you're so lucky and perfect" also "wow your family is pefect and wonderful" but he will never say anything nice about her family, he then is always talking about dying and how he will look in the casket and what his funeral will be like, he told her she should prepare to die and get photos and make sure to have the outfit she wants to wear for the funeral. We also have a family plot which was purchased by grandfather , Uncle has the original deed. He constantly asks her "who is going to be buried there" (meaning me and my siblings). Not just once but every conversation she has with him. ..... These are conversations I have overheard and that she has told me, I'm sure he has said more abusive things. She just told me she's cleaning out her house to prepare for when she dies and is throwing her wedding dress away, something she told me she would keep forever! She also told me she's trying on outfits for her funeral burial.
She has minor health probelms but nothing major at all, overall in good health, my uncle on the other hand is in failing health.
It's been so depressing and sad listening to all this and now I'm not sure what to do.
You should also think about speaking to your uncle who may be suffering from dementia himself if he's speaking to your mother about her funeral and how she should dress for it, and how he's going to look in his casket for petesake. That's very morbid and not helpful for her AT ALL! Especially not to be spending extended periods of time on the phone dwelling on such a topic.
Depending on what the doctor has to say, and especially if s/he feels that dementia is at play here, you may need to get your mother some in home help. Being lonely and isolated is not good for seniors especially for long periods of time like has happened with this miserable virus. Even if you can hire a companion type of woman to come into the house every day for a few hours to keep her company, do light housekeeping and things like that, you may notice a big improvement in her general outlook on life. Just NOT listening to your uncle all day long should help her tremendously!!
Wishing you the best of luck getting an evaluation for your mom and some companionship for her in the home.
I had a talk with her earlier and told her it would be a good idea to take a break from taking to my Uncle, she agreed! I feel he has caused a lot of her depression.
Good news is she has had 1 dose of the vaccine so will get her to the doctor soon,
Your mom sounds lonely and possibly depressed as well.
Many people are struggling with these emotions during Covid.
I certainly hope things will start to improve for her soon.
you'll see a dramatic change in her as soon as you tell her she's checking out.
Is it possible for her to come live with you?
Prayers
Please consider that it might be wiser to have mom living with family or having somebody who comes in daily to visit with her. Of course, all visitors should wear face masks, wash hands well, and social distance.
Pre Covid, Mum was an active community volunteer, church goer, Dragon Boater, a book club member, played dominoes once a week, etc, etc. She turned 86 during covid and I have been very concerned about the impact to her mental health.
She does not have a brother who is fixated on death, you could say that Mum is somewhat fixated on death, or being prepared, so not to leave a mess for others to deal with. But her younger brother was diagnosed with Cancer late 2020 and we almost lost him just before Christmas.
Her twin sister is starting to lose the plot, which is scary for Mum.
Mum has had a degree of forgetfulness for several years, but she is aware that she is forgetful and she uses her calendar and a note pad to stay on point. She does not miss appointments, or events (pre covid). She maintains her home and garden.
I did arrange for Mum to have 3 telephone counseling appointments. They helped. When she told me late 2020, that her dominoes ladies had decided to start playing again, I was worried, but Mum needed human connection and something to look, forward to each week.
Her book club is now meeting on Zoom and I have set up a laptop for her to use for those meetings. Her desktop computer is too old to use for zoom sessions.
I am in my 50's, I too live alone and I too have felt significant mental health impacts from the isolation of Covid 19.
Marcie, it is normal that your Mum is depressed during isolation. Humans are social creatures.
She needs someone else other than her brother to talk to each day. Better yet someone different to talk to each day. Does your state have a friendly phone call service?
Can she get out of her home daily for a walk? A bit of sunshine on my face really helps my mood.
A full physical is a good idea too, but it may not prove anything.
Seek out a good doctor and see what you find out but stop those terrible phone calls. Sounds like your uncle is "nuts" - no more phone calls.
One of the best adjusted men I know confided in me the other day that he just wants to go to bed until it's all over. He's keeping busy, he socialises remotely, he works from home, he's deeply philosophical in attitude - and it's still getting on his nerves more than anything he can remember.
I should talk to your mother about it freely. Allow her, maybe even encourage her, to have a good rant about the bloodiness of the phenomenon and what a monumental mess it's making of everything. Do what you can to encourage gentle, private, satirical mockery of the uncle ("sent him any good brochures lately?"). And then look ahead. God willing, no more than a few more weeks, months maximum.
Your mom is getting more depressed. She will cheer up tremendously the 1st time she simply chats with someone who is also having a hard time, (they are easy to spot by the tone of their voice. )and she lifts them up. Sooo rewarding! At the least, they'll just think she's NUTS!! Encourage your mom to talk to people other than your uncle. Bad news...
Bottom line? Redirect and refocus. Hope this helps.
You are spot on with the media trying to keep us terrified and stupid.
Has anyone else noticed that since the vaccine rollout---the news is now shifting back to 'other stuff'---news has to stay fresh and interesting or it ain't news!
I have a friend who calls me daily with the coivd update. I had to ask her to please stop doing it. It was just depressing! We had a very light infestation here where I live and I just kind of 'turtled it'. Pulled in my little head and didn't watch the news for more than a few minutes a day.
It was what it was--and now we can focus on a new norm--soon I hope.
What was your mom's favorite thing to do when she was 15???