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My mother has always been a very difficult, selfish person. The short version is that she was violent and abusive with me. However, she presents herself to others as though she is a lovely person (which is not to say that I am the only person who knows the ugly side of her - anyone she sees very often eventually learns to get away from her). She lies to everyone about everyone, but people seem to think they are the only one she doesn't speak badly about, and they seem to believe her lies. In the result, everyone hates everyone else. I've heard her lie to people about me.



I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able. About six months ago she roped me in again. I should have known better as that was about the 24 time! She moved herself to a nearby town (an hour away). I found myself driving in weather I considered to be unsafe to do things for her (take her meals, etc.). I had to buy new tires for my vehicle which I wouldn't have had to buy otherwise. Meanwhile, she gave $40,000 to a grandson, and $20,000 to another granddaughter. She's now giving her another $20,000. She's 95. She has me in her will to receive her junk after everyone chooses what they would like to have (which she is giving to them now). She has $60,000 in a joint account with me, which is there for me to take care of things should I need to (her things - it isn't for me). She sometimes gives me some money for gas, and sometimes for groceries. But, it doesn't cover my expenses, and I (sadly) have more debt than I should at my age, so I don't have money to spend on her. Most of this money is going into accounts for the education of great-grandchildren. Meanwhile, she flatly refused to help me in any way. I didn't go to university until age 37, because that's when I was able financially. When my student loans were paid off, I retired (sort of like that). This money she's giving, she told my cousins in front of me how she believes in education and that's why she is doing this. She said to them that she pestered me for many years to go to university, and finally I did (not remotely),



I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her. She was suppose to be getting meals and housekeeping where she is, but doesn't like the meals or meal times, and complains about the housekeeping so that they refuse her. She hates meals on wheels I arranged, and another meal service. So, I've been cooking for her so that she has several meals a week from me. She won't tolerate home care. I drive there to take her to appointments sometimes, or shopping. (Costs me $35.) She takes shocking risks. I've had to go there a couple of times for emergencies. She has four other kids, 3 of whom I cared for for a few years until I was apprehended to foster homes and group homes. She's completely estranged from two, and pretty much from the other two. I'm the only one (and I mean the only one of children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc.) doing anything, and she is slagging me all over the place.



So, here's the thing: She tells her daughters their husbands are bums (they aren't) and don't bring them around. "You're welcome to come but not with them." She's trashing grandchildren's spouses. I don't have a spouse or children. (Big surprise.) But I do have a dog. She's now told me she likes me to visit and bring meals, but don't ever bring my dog again, and went on to slag the dog, etc.. I could go on and on about this and make it sound a lot worse (and it is).



So ... Go! I know the answer, I guess. I just need to hear it from others right now.



(There's a reason "the good die young". It's because the ugly ones get their stress out bashing everyone around them and the good ones worry and fret about stuff.)

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Welcome.

I have one question for you:
At what age do you consider you are allowed to say no to your Mother?
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You only talk about what she wants, not what you want. You are enabling her to treat you like she does because you allow her to do it. You are destroying your own mental, physical and financial health for someone who doesn't value what you do.

Walk away, let her figure it out. If that is too big a step than start to only support, her in ways that are easy for you. At that point she will either decide she wants external support and meals. She won't change so you need to, or accept it.
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Paganini Jun 2023
If I am honest, I want her out of my life.
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You made me laugh. At 60, I decided I had enough. Every birthday, she told me an ugly story about the day I was born, and anticipating that story again, I just cut her off. She always said she'd outlive me, and I suddenly worried I'd never have a day without her in my life, so I cut her out. After several years, she started emailing me. Then, around 6 months ago, she asked for some help. She's very clever at looking like everything has changed. I've fallen for it at least a dozen times, and I did so again.

In answer to your question, I'm 71. Kinda seems like now or never. Unlike her who has dumped her stuff on everyone else, I've carried around a lot of troubles because of her, and I don't imagine I'm going to live to be 95. I'd like to get back to my own life. Maybe she can find another chump, or not ... She's given 80$ to her two grandchildren, and has another $200 thousand slated to go to them. That doesn't leave much. She's got $60 thousand and very minimal pensions to live on. So maybe they or their mothers need to look out for her.
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my question is why dont you just walk away? I have a difficult mom, but I also realize in my youth she and my dad took care of me, fed, housed, scouts, sports, vacations, etc, so even though my mom is difficult I feel a certain obligation to her

But in your case I see no obligation at all

Maybe as she is your mom you do feel some naturally ingrained obligation, I dont know

But I would run away and let her and her other kids deal with her.
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Paganini, have you ever been to therapy?

Why do you think you should be doing anything for her, aside from arranging for her to be in a good facility at her expense?
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"I'm a kind person."

Is this self-perception why you have allowed yourself to become enslaved?

So you're doing her meals, and she's refused housekeeping. Are you doing that, too? What's the plan for when she can no longer live at home? I'm sure HER plan is for you to move in with her. Is that what you are going to do?

What if she needs a facility? Since she's gifting her grandchildren right and left, that might mean a big penalty if she tries to qualify for Medicaid to pay for a NH.

I think you have a good idea -- let the grandchildren (and their mothers) take responsibility for her. Are you her POA? HCPOA? If so, resign these assignments immediately.

"But she has already made enough of my life very, very hard. I'm not going to give her my later years as well."

You wrote this back in December. What have you changed since then?
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RUN...DO NOT WALK....RUN to the nearest therapist that you can find that can help you work through your childhood and continued abuse - because she IS continuing to abuse you. The big difference is that you can and should get as far away as you can from her now.

As someone who has watched my own spouse participate in sharing caregiving responsibilities for a father who was abusive (and frankly still is) during his childhood, adolescence, and early young adulthood, I am going to give this to you straight. NO ONE has any business taking care of their abuser. You say that you have come back @ 24 times and I believe that number, because you were probably conditioned to do so.

You mention foster homes and that your other siblings have cut ties. Anytime I hear things like this, I recognize that the person likely had it even worse than my husband (boggles my mind but there you have it). This is an unhealthy dynamic for you and the only healthy and safe thing is for you to get as far away as possible and not look back.

She is NOT going to change. She clearly glories in buying people and their loyalty. As we say about my FIL, "They are a lying liar that lies" and "If their lips are moving they are lying".

Stop this madness. If she needs help, it sounds like there are plenty of people around that can help, with their hands out.

And if you are like my SIL, I'm going to give you my heartfelt advice. She worries constantly about what EVERYONE ELSE will think about her if she doesn't do right by her father - what a terrible perception of her they will have. For years the family secret (his abuse) has been protected. In fact, I think my BIL and I (and then our own families, BIL's mother and my mother) have been the only people outside of MIL, DH and SIL (and FIL of course who denies it ever happened) that knew anything about the abuse. Everyone else seemed to think that FIL was just this charming man.

But over the years the façade has broken. I've noticed (before his mobility got so bad and he became homebound before finally ending up in a nursing home), that other people began to drop like flies. They began to avoid him like the plague. They saw him for what he was (which is a narcissist, but that's another whole story). Plenty of people just don't like him.

But my SIL worries constantly about what other people think. She is always saying "They must think I'm a terrible daughter". THAT is from years of HIM in her head. I see DH do it all the time. I will literally tell him "Tell your dad to get out of your head now please. You know that isn't true." when he is badmouthing himself or down on himself.

I've also told her this. "Who cares what other people think? So what if you walk away and let other people take care of him? You've done your time. He never took care of you. He is still terrible to you. So what if people don't know that? WE know that. And who are these other people that matter so much? Do THEY matter to you? Or just their opinions?"

To quote Dr.Seuss. "Those who matter don't mind. And those who mind don't matter."
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JHoward Jun 2023
Thank you for this thoughtful response. You've said a few things that make it clear that you are watching people you care for and understanding this from a slightly outside perspective. I appreciate your insight.
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"I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." If I were you, I'd forbid myself to do one more thing for the woman. Let her calls go to voicemail. Stop propping her up, enabling her to feel "independent " at your expense, so she can avoid the dreaded AL, which is like an upscale hotel with caregivers onsite. Her $$$ should be used for that, and not as a promised prize to hand out to family members who do as they're instructed.

You get to call the shots now, not some entitled 95 year old who tells you to jump and you ask "how high, mother"? Look after yourself now, at 71, before she outlives you and there's no "inheritance" to pick thru. It's okay to do that, in fact it's long overdue. And you know it.....so put a plan into action and quit allowing yourself to be a doormat! You deserve a better life. Let the abusive behavior stop TODAY by saying I'M DONE.

Good luck to you.
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Cut the cord, stop the bleeding, I haven't spoken to my mother in over 12 years, don't throw away any more of your life for her, she doesn't deserve your support.

Time to back out of the picture, get some therapy if needed, do it now, no more dilly dallying around.
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The power here lies with you, and I think you know that. Tell mom exactly what you’re willing to do, and no more, and at your convenience. Let her know you cannot afford to do anything at your expense. No arguments or explanations or justifying your position, at all. One great thing about being an adult, we get to choose what we do and don’t do, how we spend our time and resources, and we don’t owe others an explanation. There’s a reason others avoid your mom, learn from them. I wish you well in taking charge
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Your Mom moved closer to you.

You stepped back into her life to help her.

The only reason I found in your post is "I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able".

So now you are cooking, cleaning, driving & more for Mom.

So what's actually the problem?
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Paginin, tell her she can go to an adult Foster care home and bye-bye!

Stop letting her abuse you. Walking away is completely okay. It doesn't mean you are not a nice person.

I would be using her money from that joint account to reimburse myself for every penny I have spent on her. It is by law your money too, that's what a joint account is, joint.
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The $60K in the joint account is there for you to use for your mother's expenses, which includes your travel costs (when you are travelling solely on her behalf) and any groceries you purchase for her. So when you say the money she gives you doesn't cover your expenses... why aren't you using the money in the account set up precisely for that purpose?

I'm not clear what happened or when, but if there were five of you children altogether, and you were looking after three of them, and your mother was violent and abusive: is this adding up to a lady with a lifelong history of major problems and the family wreckage that goes with it? It sounds as if the five of you have come well out of it somehow, because it takes grit and fiber to get yourself educated, married, raise children after experiences like that.

I know you already know the answer to statements you've made such as "I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." But what it boils down to is this. It isn't for you to consider her options, it's for her to do so, and what you have to do is stop being an option. Which involves saying no - at least to anything you aren't freely willing to undertake. Get whatever support, therapy, back-up you need to be able to do that. To stop being afraid of her.
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I can relate to this so much. My mom is very demanding as well. There comes a point when you learn to say no and stand up for yourself. She is using you because you allow it, my mother does the same thing. If you want it to stop you have to stop allowing it. You have to say no. For a long time my mother would demand things very specifically as example her food, she wanted her bread buttered perfectly and completely melted, I couldn't make a peanut butter and jelly properly for her. It was horrible. It made me feel worthless, incapable, unfit, etc. Until I learned to say no. I stopped asking her what she wanted, she would get what I was cooking or she could choose not to eat. I would make her something and if it wasn't good enough then she could choose not to eat it. She would demand things and I would say no. She never used to say please or thank you or treat me with any respect or kindness until I made her. If she wants something and you are the one doing everything she needs to treat you respectfully and with kindness. You are doing her a service. She needs you. It is not ok for her to take advantage of you and use you and treat you badly. This is literally the hardest thing to have to go through with a parent and I truly feel your pain and suffering. You can do it though. You can say no. You can set up services and if she doesn't like them that is her problem not yours. It is not ok to walk over people and treat them terribly and expect them to honor your demands. Honor yourself, honor what you want. You will still be a kind, loving, caring person if you tell her no, if you demand respect and kindness. Standing up for yourself and your needs does not make you selfish or bad. I believe in you and I truly hope the best for you. <3
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Beatty Jun 2023
"You will still be a kind, loving, caring person if you tell her no".

This. So important. Kindness does not mean obey.

Kind people are kind to themself too.
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We cannot help you, imho. You need counseling advice in order to stop yourself from enabling this person you say you don't like, and in order to comb out some of the enmeshment with your Mom.

Most people avoid people they don't like. That's natural human instinct for our own protection.

I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice or GOOD psychologist, one who will help you form boundaries. One who will shake up your habitual ways of thinking.
The last thing you need is another "listener" on a Forum or anywhere else who will sympathize with the sad stories. That's lovely, but it doesn't help anything.

Wanting what works for you and wishing you the best.

I wish you the best.
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Paganini Jun 2023
Your response - I've thought about it a lot since I saw it. Frankly, it's just plain hurtful, as are a few others. I guess you have the money to spend $200 an hour on counseling. You ignore that I worry about $35 for gas. Your comment will stick with me as something unnecessarily unkind, and a reminder not to bother with a place like this if I want to survive. "The last thing you need is another 'listener'...". Perhaps you could stop and think about responding to a post such as mine. Maybe just scroll by. Frankly, your response has made me feel a lot worse than I did. But, I'm sure you can also explain that short-coming to me.
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Paganini, do you have Medicare?

I pay a $15 a week co-pay with my Licensed Social Worker.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging to find a Women's Mental Health Organization that can help you find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
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JHoward Jun 2023
I'm in Canada. The only counseling medical insurance pays for is for a psychiatrist, and there is a two year line up for that. I believe I have one session per year partial pay on my private insurance. I'll check that, and perhaps if I see someone that way they can direct me to something I can afford.
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Here is a nice legalistic answer (which many people will disagree with, just like you've disagreed with Alva). If you have a simple joint bank account with your mother, with no other paper work (although perhaps some old discussions about ‘intentions’), either of you can take the lot out whenever you wish. You should take out of it every penny you spend now on her, and every penny you have spent on her in the past. Absolutely, Certainly!!! If you want, just take the lot, right now, to bring things to a head. She can then work out what she needs to spend on herself.

You say “I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her”. What other things would she ‘forbid you to’ do (I hope to stop splitting infinitives). You can do anything legal that you want to do. You have no need to do extras to make up for things she ‘doesn’t like’. If she doesn’t like what she is buying, she should check what else is available. If she wants alternatives, she can arrange them if she can afford them and can fix them. It isn’t down to you to cope with this. If anyone ‘forbade me to do’ something within my rights, like ‘considering ANYTHING), the relationship would take a very quick dive.

Oh goody, she won’t tolerate home care. So she can clean up after herself. And ‘love me, love my dog’? Actually I’m on her side there, but can’t the dog stay on the balcony?

For pity’s sake, use your brains. Look after yourself! Love Margaret!
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JHoward Jun 2023
Thank you for your ideas. Although I couldn't take the money, I think I can be less generous and take all of what I spend for her, especially given the 10s of thousands she's given to others for nothing more that the odd phone call. You're right. I've done too much. As soon as I fix one thing, she immediately makes another problem. I think that's what it's about. It's about her controlling and me enabling her to be that person. I think I can stop. It isn't about the dog. It's about her control and my inconvenience, and it's about her being able to say, "I told her I didn't want her dog around and now she leaves me to suffer". For me, it's about having done a great deal to try to help her during my life, including looking after her kids, and she can't make this one thing easier for me. She lives in a different town from me, so to leave the dog at home, I have to impose on neighbours to look in on her (the dog), or pay $30 for daycare ($60, if I don't get back on time).

"Just treat it as one of many possible points of view, which may be appropriate for some people." You're right.
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Don't know who is in Canada and who in the US. I found this by googling mental health care Canada:

https://www.firstsession.com/resources/therapy-provincial-healthcare-canada#:~:text=There%20are%20government%2Dfunded%20or,ensure%20your%20costs%20are%20covered.
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JHoward Jun 2023
In my province, this isn't available. (It is, for example, in Ontario.) In my area, subsidized counseling treatment is available for opioid addiction and shelter issues. My private healthcare plan covers $100 per year.
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JH, do have organizations like Catholic Charities, Jewish Family Services, Protestant Welfare Agency? You don't have to be a member of any of these sects to take advantage of their social services programs.

If you tell us what province you're in, we may be able to help better.
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JHoward Jun 2023
Thank you for thinking about this for me, Barb. I'm going to sound impossible. The thing is, part of her abuse involved "god's punishment" and her own weird religion. Although, once someone very committed to such things, I eventually decided that I am atheist. At this point in my life, my experiences were such that I really cannot go there.

However, there is a place here where I went for help while I was working. I had a really difficult job (workers' compensation work). At the time, my work medical covered the counseling, and my earnings were such that I could afford any additional expense. I recall that they offered a "sliding scale". I will contact them tomorrow.

I did talk to someone this evening in a provincial government service (BC). It seems that they are well aware that resources are directed to the homeless addicted, and she had no knowledge of resources for others.

In my 30s, I did see a psychiatrist for quite a while. A kind of talk therapy that never had any real goals. Nevertheless, it did get me passed some of my difficult memories, and I credit that time with how I was eventually able to go to university.

Right now, I feel like I mostly just need to find a way to accept that I've spent my life doing the best I can for her and she's just outlived my ability to keep doing that in spite of her cruelty. One can forgive some things, but when they just look at you and smirk and do it some more, it's time to accept I'm just a messed up person if I don't walk away. Maybe if I'm not available for her to be this way with, others will see a side of her that makes them wonder if I'm the putz she claims ... I can dream, can't I? :-)
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Tell mom the dog is your support animal. dog goes with me everywhere. I know it's not about the dog.. But it is one step to standing your ground.

Sorry Mom.. the dog is here. If you want the dog to leave, then, I need to leave as well....

People tell me that I need to start affirmations in the morning. Something positive. Maybe tell mom, if you say anything negative about siblings and spouses, I will need to leave. So, mom, lets say something nice about them . Oh, by the way, here is your sandwich.

And if you are joint on the account.. Take out a bit for gas etc. It's too bad she couldn't move closer to you. or maybe not.
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-aging-parents-who-didn-t-care-for-you-127206.htm

Have a read of this article.

Sometimes we benefit from taking the time & space to reflect. To ask ourselves:
What am I doing?
Why am I doing this?
Is this good/healthy for me?
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Pag, you can legally reimburse yourself 65.5 cents per mile for the business you take care of for your mom. This is on top of her paying you for your time to shop, prepare and deliver her meals. She buys all the groceries, pays for your time (25.00 an hour is reasonable for a private chef and personal assistant), pays you .655 per mile for ALL miles pertaining to her business and it doesn't feel like you are being used, win-win. She gets homemade food and you get paid for being her servant.

Personally, I would put her in an adult Foster care and shake the dust off my feet but, I would be getting paid top dollar if I decided not to treat her like she deserves and continued doing for her.

Knowing she will be paying, against her desires, would make me the slowest cook ever. Like that stew at 75.00 a bowl lady?
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JHoward Jun 2023
LoL re. $75 stew! (She rejected the stew due to beef, btw.) Interesting points you made re. payment. I can't believe I only just thought of this (triggered by your post), but she managed to charge her cousin's estate $32,000+ for house-sitting (including 65 cents a mile) for about 9 weeks while she lived in her cousin's house and lifted whatever she could she thought had any value. (I've been learning a bit about what she has taken as she is having jewelry remade for grand-daughters, among other things.) I know how much money she got because she recently promised to pay me to do her US taxes. She's nearly two years overdue, and thought she had a $9000 refund coming. It took me a couple of days, and she does have the refund coming. However, once she discovered (through my work) she'd have to pay nearly that amount in Canadian taxes, she decided not to pay me.

In part, that's the money she's now giving to grandchildren who have never done a thing to help her in anyway.

It's a weird story, but her cousin and her husband were found in a bad way in Washington State (both with severe dementia and very ill). Somehow my mother was tracked down in BC, and drawn in while guardianship was arranged and the cousin was established in a dementia care home. She has a history of swooping in to relatives homes and stealing stuff. (The husband died.) Her cousin had avoided my mother for years and would never have consented to having my mother in her home.

Now that I'm thinking about the cousin-thing, it's no wonder I suddenly feel resentful! Thank you for your post. On it's own, I found it helpful. However, now that I've remembered the cousin-thing ... That gives me a different way to think about the way my mother is behaving with me.
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