I placed my husband in memory care today but he does not seem to fit. I have been screaming and crying since I got home. Should I bring him home?

You would not, after 12 years of loving care, have done this if there was another option. You know this. What happens if insisting on giving care at home disables you? What then for your husband when he has not even your loving visits.

This is going to be a difficult adjustment. They are being honest with you and letting you know how they will handle his confusion, and this is how it is handled until he adjusts a bit.

As to guilt, you didn't create this. You aren't the cause. You are therefore not the felon who should feel guilty. You are grieving. This is the correct G-word for seeing your husband's helpless confusion.

Please give this a good long try. Promise yourself you will hang in there for one month and allow for adjustment. Again, you would not have done this if you didn't recognize that the care you have given for the last 12 years, continues forward, just may kill you first. Please try to give this time.

I am so very sorry. This is grief, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. This is deseperation. But it has ZERO to do with guilt. You aren't god. You can't change this. Allow yourself the cleansing tears.

This is his first day, of course he is adjusting, you are overthinking this, give it a chance. It will take weeks for him to adjust.

You also will need to adjust, he is where he needs to be, nothing to be guilty about.

Take a deep breath, try to calm yourself down, if necessary go see your doctor and get something to help you get your emotions in check.

This is a process, there is no magic wand to make it better, there is an adjustment period for both of you.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time after placing your husband. From your profile I gather your husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, which can go on for 20+ years, and you've already had him home for 12.
I know that you wouldn't have placed him if you thought that you could care for him at home, but there comes a time(especially with Alzheimer's)that you have to not only do what is best for him but for you as well.
He is now safe, and will receive the 24/7 care he requires. Let him adjust to his new surroundings. Yes it will take time,(for you both)so it's probably best that you stay away for a week or two, as I'm sure the facility has recommended.
You knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy to place him, so take some deep breaths, cry if you need to because yes, you're grieving, and be good to yourself.
And know that in time your husband will adjust, and will more than likely actually enjoy his new surroundings.
And you can get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his caregiver.
I'm sending a BIG ((((hug)))) your way.

Adjustment such as you are experiencing is never easy. I am now in the third year of adjusting to having my spouse(wife) in an assortment of care situations. Started with home care by myself, then added in home care with outside help three days a week. Then we were hospitalized and went to a care facility for a month. After the first month we returned to home care for a while, again with outside help. Another short hospital stay following a fall about four months ago. Since release from hospital it has been three months in long term care facility and for the last month a small AFC home.
None of this has been easy for either my spouse or myself, but I am slowly reaching the point where I am able to accept reality. This will not get better, but I n ow know that she is well cared for and safe, which became impossible for myself and kids to provide. This will get better for you, but it will take time and adjustment. There is no perfect answer; time requires change. Wishing you the best.

I don't know how you did 12 years of care. That is amazing. I am a long distance care giver for my dad and can't make it more than three days when I visit and I am wiped out and have to escape to a friend's house. You have done well and cared for him as long as you have at home. Now you have done what is best for him and put him somewhere safe where he will get the continuing care he needs. Of course he is going to be angry and anxious. This is normal, and you can't control how long he takes to adjust to his new surroundings. Let them give him anti-anxiety meds for as long as he needs it. He will feel better and be more likely to accept his new home if it is causing him less distress.

AD and dementia is a no win situation for all involved. Decisions have to be made that often feel wrong but have no other solutions. Your gut reaction is to yank dh out of memory care but then what? You're between a rock and a hard place, and that's a scary place to be.

There are 2 lives that are being profoundly affected by his illness. Your life matters too, and after 12 years of caregiving, it's time to make a change.

I had mom in memory care for nearly 3 years, with her bellyaching the whole time about going home, hating the "baby games", the other residents, the horrrrible food, and you name it. Meanwhile, all that complaining gave her something to focus on, people to kvetch to, activities to participate in, outings on the mini bus to go on, even in a wheelchair. Doctors to see her in house. 3 hot meals a day, 2 showers a week. A caring staff who truly loved her and made sure her every need was met. They dressed her up every day in her beautiful clothing and wheeled her out into the Activity Room where she was able to socialize or go sit outside in the courtyard. She adjusted in time, too. When her Sundowning and agitation grew fierce, Ativan helped her a lot.

We were able to bring her a pizza party or Christmas eve dinner and celebrate as a family in the private dining room.

Is this ideal? Of course not. Ideally there would be no such thing as the dementias that cruelly rob EVERYONE of the loved one that once was. So we make compromises where we can insure they're safe and well cared for. "Happiness" becomes elusive with brain damage and we can't overreact to each outburst. That's the truth of the matter.

Don't blame yourself for making a decision like this based on DHs needs. Look after yourself too and in time, things will likely smooth out.

Best of luck to you

It took my mom about 6 weeks to acclimate. Pls give it some time. And see if you can get an anxiety med prescribed for long term…

You can't bring him home. You can't decide if he's bored or not. You can't control if he is scared or not. You can't control his disease or his anxiety or anything at all.

Trust yourself. You found him care in a place that you chose for many reasons. Trust the professionals who know how to handle him. And trust your husband to adjust.

Sometimes we as caregivers think that no one can take care of them as well as we can. That's not true, but what we do is tell ourselves over and over that we should go on taking care of them even when it's obvious we can't do that anymore. That's where you are.

Go out and do something that you think is fun. Do that the next day and the next. All you can control is what you do, so do it! Have a good time and get out from under that caregiver yoke. It's too darned heavy to drag around with you all the time.

Your husband will probably be just fine.

I really admire you for taking care and living with husband with dementia for 12 years!
My husband has Parkinson’s, no dementia whatsoever, although very unlikely but if that will show up and motor skills diminishing, I would not be able physically to deal with that.
Acceptance and time is all you need. And he needs time to adjust.
Do not feel guilty!
You did not create, contribute to this disease.

I would suggest you talk with a counselor so you can understand your situation. These people help you understand the things that are the most important aspect of this. Not only for you but also your loved one. Sometimes without someone to put all of this in a way we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope this helps you.

I understand how you feel. I cried all the way home the day I left my husband in Memory Care. Give him time to adjust. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but please don't bring him home. He is only going to get worse and you need a team of professionals to help you at this point.

Try to step out of your emotions and really comprehend what people are saying here.

1. He is in MC because it's the best place for him now.

2. Becoming anxious and agitated is 100% normal for anyone with dementia who is out of their usual space. It would have happened if you'd taken him to the Ritz Carlton's most expensive suite with an ocean view.

3. However, just like with the Ritz, he'll become acclimated to his new space as time passes and it becomes familiar to him.

4. You have no reason to feel guilty. You cannot control everything, but you can make conscious choices to provide the best care for him, and this is the best care for him. You are still fulfilling your vows of "in sickness and in health," because you are still caring for him -- just in a different way.

5. Understand that you are not necessarily the only -- or the best -- person to care for him now.

6. Just as he needs time to adjust to the new change, you also need time to adjust. Grant yourself that time, because you deserve to have the best health possible as well. If it is too difficult for you to adjust, seek counseling because it is not in his best interests to bring him home to make you feel better.

Why did you place him in Memory Care?
All the reasons that made you come to that agonizing decision have resolved right?
You have nothing to feel "guilty" about
You can feel: grief, regret, remorse, anger, sadness but most certainly not guilt.
Yes he will be scared anyone moving into a new place, starting a new job, going to a new school feels scared.
Let the antianxiety medication do what they are supposed to do.
Let him get acclimated.
Let him get to know the staff, the residents and the routine.
He may also be reflecting some of your anxiety, fear when you visit. So try to quell those emotions when you see him. (hard I know)
He will be fine.

No advice on how you should feel, but a big hug. It's not easy, but neither is caring for someone with a disease that will only worsen. You are brave and capable.

It is a huge transition for him - and you.
Coupled with this change for him is confusion and fear.
It is understandable your heartstrings are pulled to 'bring him home,' although there are likely more positives / reasons for him to be there than home, especially the care and perhaps around the clock care he will / could receive.

If I were you, I would talk to his MD about medication adjustment - to deal with the anxiety and fears. It could be a temporary change during this transition for him.

Give yourself time to adjust, as you give him time. I was told by a nursing home manager / management that it takes a good six weeks for a new person to adjust.

* As you can, bring in / create more support for him with volunteers. There are volunteer organizations that might be able to help out (LITA, perhaps). Check with churches or even colleges (nursing, social work, geriatric departments - and master programs) to see if they could offer supportive visits.

* Try focusing on touch / non-verbal interactions as you can - to calm him down and get out of the head, or shift out of his head for a few moments - if touch / massage would be accepted / desired by him. (I am a massage therapist and work w/older people.). A hand or foot massage can be very healing.
- If he is open to touch / massage, you can enlist volunteers to do this. A little goes a long way (even a hand massage is quite amazing). There are all kinds of massage tools to use, too. However, the gentle touch will get the oxytocins movings (the 'feel good' hormone).

- Speaking of hands, what about a man-icure? Does not have to be polish, just clean up / file his nails. Again, it is the 'touch' connection that is primarily important.

* If possible, bring in a private care giver a few hours a day or however often you can to assist with the transition.

* I understand that activities are primarily focused on what women might be interested in. You could ask the Activity Director (or administrator) to enlist the volunteers - or paid professionals - to offer some / different activities, that are more gender neutral. Perhaps drawing, painting, clay, those building blocks (some adults make incredible things with them - and they have conventions).

- If the facility won't pursue, perhaps you could call an art school or college.
- Movement classes, like chair yoga perhaps?

- I would imagine it is 'too soon' to introduce him to activities. He might be interested in 'just' being with others in a calm environment - perhaps no activity - just getting to know people, when he is ready. (In addition to activities, although do not discount people talking / making these new connections will be extremely valuable to him, emotionally, psychologically and physically).

Give yourself time to adjust and be self-compassionate.
This is as difficult for you as it is for him.
Find / do things that you enjoy, even if just for a few hours a week; go out for lunch or dinner with a supportive friend.
Have an/other/s over for tea.
Offer a potluck and ask it to be at someone else's home !

I wonder if food could be / is a motivator / offer some enjoyment?
My friend, bedridden, in a nursing home for this past year, enjoyed eating ... and even though 3 meals provided daily, I would pick up sushi, strawberries, apple pie, KFC, pizza ... anything he liked and would visit / bring it over about 1/2 hour or so before his facility dinner was served. He loved this special treat I brought in 3-4 x / week.

Our hearts are with you. This is not easy. It hurts, it is painful - when you love someone and want the best for them, and see them suffering / not content. You want to do what is in their best interest. And sometimes we are overwhelmed and just don't know, and then pulled emotionally in different directions. Good that you reach(ed) out to us here.

Allow your feelings to flow through you. They will change moment to moment and day to day.

In loving support and compassion,

Gena / Touch M

You have my sympathy. My husband moved to a Seniors’ Care Home in late September on the recommendation of many medical professionals. He, of course, was terribly upset about where he was living and all he could think and talk about was going home. The nurse in charge of my husband and the social worker have been helpful to me. It has been, and still is, an emotional rollercoaster. I tried bring my husband home for 3 days in November, as a trial, against the advice of the experts at the care home. It was a disaster and bad for him and me. He then had hope he could come home permanently and I knew from this experience it would kill me to move him home. I have looked after him for four years and put up with alcoholism and some abuse. Try to take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Try to enjoy any of your life that you can.

phoward51: I am sorry that you were faced with the difficult decision to place your DH (Dear Husband) in a memory care facility. It's understandable that you're quite upset and are pondering whether to give in to his requests to bring him home. However, this wouldn't be the answer especially since he's twelve years into AD, all of which you provided stellar care for him. Perhaps his physician can script a medication to calm him while he adjusts. Prayers sent.

You had good reasons for doing what you did. Sadly your DH needs more care than you can provide at home. I think this is worse for you than for him because you feel guilty and are second guessing yourself. He will adjust to his new home in time and you will be there to support him in this new chapter of life.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

At my Mom's MC unit, a husband and wife live in the same room. She does not have dementia however he does. He's a pretty big guy so I'm pretty sure that they help him with toileting. They eat their meals together with everyone else.

There is another guy on the MC unit with quite severe dementia. His wife lives upstairs in the Independent Living area. I see her usually in the mornings with him.

...No, you don't want to bring him home unless you have a lot of help. It just might be easier to rent out your house and for you to move in either with him or nearer to him.

I'm not suggesting it. I'm just saying there might be some hybrid options that might ease both your husband's and your minds.

I am so sorry..truly sorry. This road is a tough one. I am struggling also with facilities BUT a counselor told me 3 years ago my job is to keep my mom safe, fed and a good roof over her head. I stepped up , placed her and slowly watched her actually improve in the memory care. She grew to enjoy others her age and she did eventually attend the activities. She disliked all crafts and bingo her whole life but started to look forward to them. You and your husband need time to adjust. His reaction seems typical to me. As a clinical staff member of facilities for 27 yrs I watched angry residents adjust well after a few weeks. Hang in there. Take a little time to catch your breath. Meds on admission are not unusual..as he adjusts ask for a reduction in meds as needed…good luck.

Then what: you will be taking him back after a agonizing attempt to keep him safe.

I understand how extremely difficult this is. Give him time to get acclimated and go to see him often. Bring some of his favorite things to his room to comfort him. You should talk with someone in person about your struggles of putting him a nursing facility. What you are feeling is completely normal. His memory is probably mostly gone and he needs more help than you can provide. Know that you are doing the right thing by him. He will have help in his care. You can oversee his care. You need to get some rest and relief. Pat yourself on the back for caring for him with Alzheimer’s for so long. Many prayers to you during this difficult transition.

My husband has Lewy Body Dementia and I placed him in a memory care facility thinking it would help him. I thought he would enjoy socializing with the other residents, having activities to occupy his time and get the supervised care. None of that happened. His dementia had not advanced to the stage of the other residents so he felt very alone, he has no interest in puzzles, painting, or coloring and even watching tv does not interest him. The only thing he enjoyed were the biweekly bus rides that took him out for about 30 minutes. The facility was very understaffed and I would find my husband sitting alone at the table where he had had breakfast three hours earlier or back in bed in his room waiting for lunch. The facility did their best but it wasn't the right fit for my husband. My husband was fully aware of where he was and he wasn't happy. Of the 28 residents, only 4 were men and none had the capacity for conversation. After about 6 weeks, I brought him home. He and I made the agreement that if he came home he had to attend a daycare and I made arrangements for him to attend a senior daycare center for half a day and he goes willingly. The staff is extremely caring and attentive and engage him and he likes the attention. I also had to hire caregivers for night care and for afternoon day care. It is expensive but worth it for my own peace of mind and knowing my husband is happy to be in familiar surroundings and with me. I've read and learned a lot about Lewy Body Dementia and how to handle the behaviors and it isn't easy....patience is a virtue and I need a lot of it. So far, I haven't had to ask about any medication for him since I worry about side effects. Hopefully, our finances will hold out and I can continue to have him live at home for as long as he's with us. I do not regret bringing him home.