How do I tell my 37 year old that I need some "me" time too?
My son lives next door with my sister, the sister that doesn't help me one bit with mom's care. He is 37 and should have a place of his own but that is another story. He wants to come over after a certain time of night and it irritates me so bad. I told him, when mom is down for the night, that is my time and should be since I have very little to myself. He continues to call after 8:00 p.m. and sometimes later wanting to come by and use my computer or to get something to eat or talk about his experiences of that day. I've asked my son to do things around the house, for instance, cut the backyard...still waiting on that one. He has worked as a CNA and knows how elderly people can be very needy and has stated that fact and how he can leave work and not have to deal with it but I deal with it 24/7. He knows this and makes a point of telling me that my job is hard. Then why don't he abide by my wishes and stop coming over the times I ask him not to. This is basically a daily thing with him. He doesn't help me with her so there's no usefulness with the situation, just stressing me out more. Every time it happens, I can feel my bp going up more and more. I just feel like screaming! Do I have to hurt someone's feeling to get my point across? These people don't seem to care about my feelings.
18 Answers
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Simple answer = yes.
He can't treat you this way without your permission. Stop giving him permission.
When he calls after 8 pm, don't answer the phone; let it go to voice mail. If he comes over, don't answer the door. You could actually call the police and tell them that someone's been harrassing you, knocking on the door, and you fear for the safety of you and your mother. That would probably make him so mad though that he'd harrass you even more.
But you do have to stand up to him or he'll continue to harrass and manipulate you, for whatever reasons he has.
You have enough to do already. He's a grown man and you need to put your foot down!
He needs some friends or other means of socializing other than you.
I would just he gets some counseling.
Only you can stop his behavior, since he's evidently incapable of respecting you or your wishes. So it's up to you to respect your OWN right to some quiet time away from your brother whenever you choose.
Both you and Raisin don't need to treat these people or with kid gloves. You need to develope enough self respect and self confidence to tell them once and then take whatever necessary action you need to to prevent them from doing it again.
Just don't answer the phone - it's that easy. Don't let them in. It's that simple.
I'm not trying to be critical but this might help provide some insight into why these situations fester.
Look at the way Hope describes the situation: Hope, you write that when you criticize him to his face, he becomes "ugly", he called you a "b*tch" (that would have been it for me!), then you say you're sorry. Wrong thing to say.
You acquiesced to him, acknowledging the validity of his accusation without coming right out and saying so. He gains more power over you when this happens.
Then he has the audacity to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself?!
It's more than a choice of what the consequences are - I do understand that there are a lot of issues which aren't worth the fighting, but self respect is not one of those issues.
Why do you even allow him in your life? Are the two of you living together? If so, find some other way to live. As long as you're living with him and allow him to dominate you, you're going to continue to suffer from low enough self esteem that he's going to continue to verbally abuse you.
Enough is enough; get some self help books or read about low self esteem and stop this bully from manipulating you.
There was one situation in which my brother and his self-absorbed daughter verbally assaulted me and engaged in menacing behavior. I called the police and asked that my brother and his daughter be removed from the house.
I'm not trying to be critical, insult you, or hurt you. I'm just trying to tell you that you don't have to tolerate this kind of behavior, from anyone.
The observation I made that you apologized for not feeling well was to me also an indication. No one needs to apologize for not feeling well.
I am sorry if I made an erroneous conclusion; it was not my intent to insult or hurt you. Far from it. I just wanted to let you see how your portrayal of your relationship with your brother was presenting itself.
It's lovely that a 37-year-old enjoys his mother's company, but he's taking advantage of your good nature.
Just grab your keys walk out the door and say I knwo you won't miond taking care of things while I quick run to get Mom's Meds refilled see ya later! and GO.
For the Son who always wants to come over during me time?
Plan a bath from 8-9 pm, lock the door and if he insists on knowing what you are doing tell him you are naked.
That ought to send him someplace else to use the computer.