Hi everyone. This is a bit unusual but I found your forum looking for resources for my mother. She's the best mom ever and is always giving to everyone. She's one of three siblings but the only one who really does much in terms of taking care of my grandmother. Ironically, my grandmother has always favored the other two and defends them for never showing up or doing anything even though my mom is already so busy working (she's a doctor and works full time, has a family, and one of my siblings hasn't been well). But my mom has been juggling it all. A few years ago, my grandmother started staying at my mother's during the winters because she lives up in Maine and many people live there seasonally and it is icy so, as she's getting older, they decided it would be safer if she came down and moved in with my mom and stepfather in Boston during winters. She and her dogs have done that for the last few years and it has been a stressful few winters. She's so demanding, very negative, always complaining to my mom, always criticizing, etc. Basically, every winter, things go to crap and during summer, things get better. My mom and stepfather get along again and get their lives back, they stop fighting, my mom isn't so stressed out, the sun comes back, literally and figuratively.
Well, after years of this, my mom finally realized this was unhealthy and found her a really nice home right next to our home and bought her a condo their. This place is luxurious and they have the capability to do continuing care, should she get injured or her health decline, they provide nursing care and all levels of care through hospice care. My grandmother said she agreed that it was a good idea but, of course, started fighting it with excuses from the beginning. My mom did everything to make it all work for her. She could bring her dogs. Everything was set. My mom paid a large nonrefundable deposit. Then my mom told me that my grandmother just got test results saying that her colon cancer came back and she didn't want to treat it again. She just wants to stay with my mom until she dies. (I should also mention that my mom just lost her brother to cancer months before and that is an open wound). My mom talked to my stepfather about it and naturally he wasn't happy (she has been horrible for their relationship, always saying my mom should leave him) but he was understanding and supportive of my mom and that if she wanted her mom to live with them and she's dying he's not going to say no.
So, now she's moved in and I've been visiting the last two weeks and she seems the same to me... Just old and in pain and as cranky and negative as ever. I've been trying to come up with other ways to make her feel better and she's been refusing everything. My family has always teased me about being a detective because I have an odd "sense" for when something isn't right and I've been having that. I thought having a meeting with a palliative care team could be good for my grandmother because they could assess what they could do to make her feel better and maybe thus make her more pleasant but she kept saying she didn't want to and wouldn't say why. I tried to tell myself it is just because she's scared and she doesn't get that it isn't hospice and I'll just do her a favor and get her records and have them explain that to her. But I honestly knew something was off... SO, I found her records and, long story short, she took the cologuard test but never followed up with the colonoscopy. She MIGHT have some abnormal cells but she might have some polyp that won't become anything for 10 years!!
And in 10 years, she will have ruined my mom's marriage, destroyed my family and I doubt my mom will still be alive because the stress will kill her. As it is she is seriously depressed. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I need to save my mom but I know I might not be great at handling things so delicately. Are there counselors who specialize in this? I am out of my depth, I know. And I want to help my grandmother too. I just need them both to realize that this is not the answer. I get that my grandmother was scared but this situation is not a longterm solution.
PLEASE HELP!!
Well, they say "fools rush in where angels fear to tread," and you are certainly no fool - you are absolutely right to step away and look at the whole situation very carefully.
[thinks: before you give your manipulative so-and-so grandmother such a slap and tell her she can walk back to Maine...] - but that's just me getting it off my chest.
Alas, it is your mother who needs the counsellor. Are you in cahoots with your long-suffering stepfather? Can you and he join forces and get your mother into therapy by whatever means necessary?
Your mother's a doctor. If she's had the wool pulled over her eyes, then to some extent she must have gone along with it, you know. Has she always been this bad at telling her mother where to get off?
Send your mom over here. Google "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (FOG) and youll see what grandma is about.
You are a good, brave and resourceful daughter. Your mom should be really proud of you. And yes, join forces with step dad. How about he starts eviction proceedings?
Countrymouse,
I agree about the counselor... I was asking for my mom or someone almost to help do an intervention. No, I can't talk to my stepfather about this. I don't want to do any more damage there than has been done my grandmother. Yes, I'm sure that by now my mother does know on some level because she took her to get blood work done last week and she is smart enough to realize that when it all came back fine, she probably isn't as sick as she claimed. My grandmother basically used a tragedy (we found out about my uncle's cancer and he was dead within months) and the fact that my mom was still in shock and devastated about that and, being a doctor, probably in a way blaming herself for not being able to save him even though it was stage four by the time they found it... That being said, yes, she's always been very bad at saying no to anyone and everyone and my grandmother has always taken advantage of that but this is a whole new level...
But I did talk to my brother and he and his wife are willing to talk to her with me as a united, loving front ("we love you and we need you to still be here too..."). I just think an additional professional perspective might be helpful. We are kids and I don't want us to be dismissed as such and told she can handle it because she can't.
cwillie,
thank you. I think you are quite right. I have only read for a minute so far but the broad strokes sound spot on. I will certainly look into it more and see if that leads me to any resources for finding a way to get through.
Again, thank you both for taking the time. It means so much to me. I'm really desperate to save my mom. You guys are my angels :)
Please keep us posted - we understand and we care about you and your mom.
Mom might say to HER mom: "we've been through a big shock together, but it's time that we moved on to the next part of our lives. I will always be here for you, but living in my home is no longer an option".
Sometimes, even very smart people need to be fed their lines.
Have you shown your mom the results you have? She will know that MUCH more testing is needed to make a diagnosis of colon cancer.
Once she finds out, I hope she puts your grandmother in that condo immediately.
Life is hard enough and stressful enough. No need to add gasoline to the fire.
Her first responsibility is to her husband (it's even in the Bible), then to her grown children, THEN to her parents.
For your mother's mental health, she needs to know that she was "mislead" (deceived) and get her life back, whether your granny likes it or not.
She hears her mother has cancer and as a daughter has not talked to moms drs? Has not gotten her established with new doctors in Boston? Is your mother GM's POA? We are talking about someone who is supposedly dying.
Your mother either already knows it's a lie or is very very overwhelmed to not know something is up.
It sounds like you are on the right track to be looking for care for your own mother.
I really feel for her. A cranky aging mother (cancer or not) a difficult marriage, a sick child. Just throwing darts here. If you live far enough away to go visit for two weeks your mom really needs that counselor. Why don't you try to find one on the phone and ask about the intervention with mom and your brother. Then when you go back home your mom has a support system at least begun. Whether your GM has cancer or not she needs another place to live. It's not all about the oldest person in the room. Everyone, even stepdad, needs are to be considered.
How old is your grandmother? And your mother?
You say that your grandmother normally has some pain to cope with - what from?
Can't remember what the third one was... senior moment... hang on... oh yes -
Why did your mother's two siblings make themselves scarce - just where life and work took them, or do you think it was a more active choice than that?
Thank you all again!!
Countrymouse: My GM is 86. Her family (my great grandfather and great grandmother) lived well into their 90s - my GGF until 99). My GMs older sister is still in great health. Her pain comes mostly from bunions, bad knees, just wear and tear when you're older and have led and active live. She's had a hip replacement and then fell two years ago and shattered her femur (an often deadly injury) but she made a full recovery, just a slow one and her movement isn't what it was. I totally understand that when you're in pain, it is hard not to be irritable. My mom has taken her to recommended psychiatrists and her lexapro seems to help. I took her to a pain doctor and they injection they gave her seemed to help a lot for a few months. She also had topical creams that she felt were helpful. But when it came time to follow up, she never want to go back to any doctor. She still wants to get her hair colored. SHE STILL WANTS TO GET HER TEETH WHITENED!!! SO, we have taken her. These are bandaid measures to make her feel better in the moment but I'd like to improve her quality of life. I'm not sure how but I feel like she should qualify for palliative care or something. Not hospice, but a whole body analysis and approach to see how they can give her more energy, better sleep quality, less pain, etc etc... IDK. I'm just diving into research here.
My mom is 60. She's been working HARD for her whole life and is nearing retirement and WAS talking about all the trips she wanted to take... Then this. Now she's thinking she needs to work longer, and sees no future.
Your GM needs to move. You can shun your GM when she makes inappropriate remarks but she probably isn't going to change as it is long established behavior. Be careful that helping your mother doesn't prolong the problem. In other words if you make it tolerable for your mother for GM to be there they live in a slow torture rather than an acute one which MIGHT make mom and stepdad take action.
Tell your mom GM needs to go. Tell GM she needs to go. Don't confuse her being cute to others as making up for her rude behavior to your mom.
No need to bring up the other siblings. They didn't move GM in, Mom did. Regardless of the reasons. Stay focused on getting GM out and hopefully Mom can recover. Don't worry, there will be plenty to do with taking care of GM going forward even after she moves out.
What do you think GM reaction would be if you told her that your mom was ill and needed help? That she needed GM to move out into appropriate housing with appropriate help so that mom could focus on her own health? Does the thought of having that conversation scare you to death?
Perhaps that is the conversation all of you need to have rather than telling mom she needs to take more action. Let GM take the action. She sounds like she is in better shape than your mom. When was the last time your mom had her teeth whitened?