She's refusing to bathe, to eat, to take her medicine even speak to us. She is absolutely killing me! I have spent the last almost 10 years taking care of this women, waiting on her hand and foot. I have completely neglected myself, ruined my relationship with my husband. I have been here 24/7 with her. Her son, (my husband) has just recently in the last year began to help me. I don't know what to do? We took her to the hospital last week she was having a "fainting" spell in the bathroom again. The hospital Dr. kept her for almost 3 hours, found nothing wrong and sent her home. What do I do? Should I take her back to the hospital and ask them to force feed her and put her in some type of rehab? Her behavior is going to be the end of me. Every few weeks she defecates all in the floor all over either the bathroom, the hallway or her bedroom. Then after we get HER cleaned up I get to spend the next 12 hours cleaning. I said "we" because I have recently demanded that my husband help with her physically. I am not in good health myself and cannot lift her alone anymore when she falls to the floor. Almost a month ago, my husband had an accident, fell and broke 5 ribs, punctured his left lung and lacerated his spleen. While he was hospitalized, she was getting up every day and dressing, making her own coffee walking out sitting on the porch and talking on the phone. Now, when I need to be helping him and letting him recover, she has to go on strike (hunger, medication, personal hygiene even communicating). What do I do?
DON'T clean her up. Let her go in the state she's normally in. That should signal to the Dr the mental status w/o having to say a word.
Look into placing her. You've done all you can and now it's just going to get harder and harder and worse and worse.
You've basically given up your LIFE for her. You've given up financial stability for her. Personally, I think she's pretty much used up all the love you may have had for her.
She will likely thrive much better with care in a NH. You are going to kill yourself trying to make her life 'perfect'. My SIL is currently doing the lion's share of CG for my MIL. SIL popped by last night to get some documents signed and I looked at her and tho she's a year younger than I am--she looks 75+.(She's 66) Exhausted, gray stringy hair, no makeup--she has no time for herself and she actually said "I'm sorry for how bad I look--I've got no time to care for me. Mom is slowly killing me."
Dh should have said " it's time to put mom in a home") but said "I should take more shifts and help YS out".
He won't DO anything, and that's his perogative. But it breaks my heart to see my selfish, entitled MIL ruining the lives and marriages of all 3 of her kids. Not one of them is in great health, and MIL, while supposedly actively 'dying' is having every need and want met and met immediately. I fully expect my DH to have another heart attack--or his OB have one, before this mess ends.
Dh has learned the hard way how NOT to be. Given a do-over, MIL would have gone straight from rehab after her last fall to an ALF. They made the HUGE mistake of letting her go home. She allows only her kids in the house and lets the Hospice care workers in, but hates them all.
If APS can make this happen have MIL evaluated while in the facility for 24/7 care. Then you have a nice talk with DH that she is not coming back. If it is found what she is doing is on purpose, this means there is a mental component at work. She does not come back to ur house.
How old is MIL? What type of health problems did she have 10 yrs ago? I know this is hindsight but u never cater to these types of personalities. First, your husband should have been involved. Like when he comes home, Mom was his for the night. If she was perfectly able to do certain things for herself, then she did them. Living with you did not mean you were her slave. It meant that she needed to fit into your routine.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/vasovagal-syncope/symptoms-causes/syc-20350527
No, she needs to be permanently placed. Can't tell if this is cognitive decline, mental illness or both, but she's not going to "shape up".
Get her to the hospital in the shape she's in next time to they can see the self neglect.
I would also call APS if she ends up back at your place. She is a danger to herself; you also forestall her accusing you of neglect IF YOU call first.
Both neurological conditions, both causing brain changes (damage).
I think MIL is in the hospital now?
I really hope you can get a throrough medical picture of her situation. Then with her medical team & Social Worker input, hopefully a plan for her ongoing care.
You may have just arrived at the depot.. where your time as a passenger ends & you can now drive the bus.
Cleaning up her crap 12 hours is the deal breaker. O-U-T!!!!
Call 911, have her taken to hospital and tell them you WILL NOT have her back, she is an "unsafe discharge" and you have a seriously ill husband. You don't care where she goes, you cannot take care of her anymore (incontinance, dementia, you name it) just do not pick her up or take her back in your home!
Good luck!
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