I FINALLY got some help with my dad’s care. My brother and sisters were onboard to help with what they could. Unfortunately, dad STILL wants me to do everything and will not call anyone else. Case in point, he wanted me to take him to the doctor about a month ago. I told him I had to work and to ask one of my sisters. He lied and said that he did but the said no. Keep in mind I have small kids, hubby and full time job. Long story short, he broke his hip and is now refusing to do physical. I CANNOT deal!!! We want him to go to the nursing facility for rehab and he just won’t act right. He’s extremely rude and uncooperative. I’ve decided to step back for awhile and not contribute to any of his care. I'm tired of being called for everything! Am I wrong for this?
It's up to you to say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that". Mean it and don't get upset by his ranting.
We need to help our parents on OUR terms, not their's.
Don't wreck your life, your marriage or your job just because dad has a tantrum.
My sister said to all & sundry she was very independant (& so it was written on every case note *fiercely independent*) while asking for cleaning/shopping/transport he77 even toileting assistance!
If they are truly independant, they organise their own helpers. My Grandma hired her gardener & when she was ready, put her house up for sale & arranged her move into AL. Now THAT's independance!
The SAME PROCESS works with adults. If the answer is consistently “Sorry, I can’t do that, call (paid care giver/sibling/assigned help person) and THEY WILL HELP YOU.
You then have the choice of either caving in, which TEACHES Dad that HE CAN GET WHAT HE WANTS, or standing firm, which teaches Dad that he has NO CHOICE but to rely on the help system YOU have developed for him.
Same with the present situation. If you as a sibling group have agreed on the course of therapy which will be most likely to yield the ultimate result that is best FOR ALL OF YOU, then you must quietly, calmly, and FIRMLY execute the plan.
“Rude and uncooperative” IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS! IF, and only IF, ALL siblings are in agreement, you WILL be able to reach a solution, perhaps not perfectly, but at least best possible for each of you. He may grumble, plead, roar, whine, any of that, but sorry, an older adult man with a broken hip does NOT hold the cards.
Good luck with this, and hopes that your sibs will be willing to get on board. You need to support each other.
Also, my Mom can still be a bit difficult at times. For my peace of mind, I don't leave it up to her. Instead, I speak directly to whomever I need to do that whatever is going on is handled, i.e., don't leave it up to your dad to call someone else or your siblings. Just make the call yourself and pass on the responsibility, then just inform your dad that this is the way it is. Don't wait for his approval or stand witness to any complaints or moaning. Smile and walk away!
Mom lives with us now. The first several months I felt like a fire chief. She'd call my phone from the other room if I wasn't present; if I was there with her, she'd order me around like a slave. My solution was to let it roll to voicemail, be slow to respond or just walk away. Things are better now, and she's learned that I don't jump she says jump. She still pushes the with her "urgent" requests now and then, and I respond ever more slowly. Mom used to tell me to do things she could do herself. It was her power play, but I refused. For example, if she told me to get something out of her purse, I'd just hand her her purse without a word and go about MY business.
She still sees a psychiatrist once a month, and I let him know what's going on. Sometimes he'll calls me in so we can have a group chat. Very helpful.
I know it's exhausting, but yall are now dealing with childlike spoiled brat behavior. Do what you'd do if your toddler pulled these strings. My solution was always to ignore the tantrum, step over them and walk on. They learned quick enough that mommy doesn't play that game. Our parents are doing the same thing now to us caregivers. Be nice, but don't play the game.
and they can't understand it. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to take breaks! This is imperative. You need to lovingly communicate things, and stand your ground! Good luck and God Bless
Did you say he broke his hip? He will be experiencing loss of functional status and that is worthy of in home counseling, perhaps through home health care (you can Google tis to find agencies in your area). I would contact you County Area Agency on Aging and ask them what they would recommend. I was a social worker with hospice.
When he gets out, set up a schedule of care. If he calls you on another's day - and he most likely will - call that sibling to deal with the needs. Go from being the fulltime caregiver to the receptionist.
Remind you dad that although your willing to help.You also have your family and career.He has other children who can assist him.
If that isn't good enough then by all means step back.
It can be a long application process but it is absolutely worth looking into... Please get the help regardless of what your father says... You and your siblings have to be in charge, not him... may elderly resist help because they are angry, disappointed, frustrated, etc. that they need help at all...
You are allowed to tell your father that you're making changes and as hard as it may be for him to accept you now have to do what will be for the greater good of you and and your family and ultimately you'll have better energy for him because you will feel less put upon and less burnt out...
wishing you ease... and we breathe...
I soon found the word WORK was respected but no respect on any non-work tme: ie weekends, public holidays & this little beauty "what time do you finish work?"
Work is a excellent starting boundary.
Grandma raised them with the notion that reasonable people never expect anyone (inc family) to be at their beck & call. If they did, there were left for a 'talking to' & assessment by the local Doctor as they must be impaired in some way.
Independance in the 'mend & make do' generation (or 'greatest generation) was very highly regarded.
One afternoon Dad, take it or leave it.
Dr. Gross
Be strong. It is difficult but put yourself first. Refuse to do anything you don’t want to do. Your father is being very selfish.
Good luck!