My 90 year old mom just moved in with my husband and me. Thirty years ago I had hospice for my dad, and he died in my home, in our bedroom. To this day I find I look over to where he died and remember…
I’ve realized I truly don’t want to experience this again with my mom, as she is now in an addition we put on which will be the main floor master when she is no longer with us.
I realize she could die suddenly and obviously there’s no control over that, but if it ends up being a slower process, how do I negotiate not having her actually die in the home? She has been adamant that she doesn’t want to be in a nursing home, at all.
Thanks in advance for your feedback!
The thing is. Come what come may, you are not going to have the same experience with your mother. Of course that doesn't mean it's something you'll want to dwell on every night, staring at the ceiling... "sheesh. Six inches from my left shoulder...." but it *may* mean that you're dreading a paper tiger.
Practical matters: do you have a room in the main house where you could set up a hospital bed and comfortable, cheerful furnishings ready for when she needs hospice?
I do appreciate your observations and will definitely think on it, thank you.
The second is to ‘get over it’. Like your own concern, this does sound a bit insensitive. However most houses of any age have had deaths take place in them, and older houses have had many births/ stillbirths/ illnesses as well. If you read Dorothy Sayers murder mysteries, in ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ Lord Peter Wimsey says that generations of his ancestors had been both born and died in the same bedroom and in the same carved bed (I think they changed the mattresses!). This was when the honeymooners were facing a night in the murdered man’s bed. I’ve read of young couples being determined to ‘build their own house’ new, to be absolutely positive that no-one had died in it. It’s not very intelligent – if a child died, would they move out?
When I have a disturbed night, I sleep in the single bed that was my mother's. When my elder sister Mary was 15, me 12, younger sister 9, we shared a large bedroom. My grandfather (who lived with us and my single mother) died at home of cancer, and in a week or two Mary moved into his room. My mother wouldn’t have put up with a difficult hissy fit at such a stressful time, but I can’t remember that Mary ever raised a problem with it. There really wasn’t much choice, and leaving the room empty wasn’t sensible.
I’d certainly plan on a redecoration of the room, different color, different bed (presumably queen will be necessary instead of single/ hospital), different curtains, different furniture position etc.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Margaret
The room my mom is in is the only bedroom on the first floor - we had planned a very large master suite addition to a very small bedroom there, almost apartment-like, and then Covid hit just as we were getting started! The project needed to be scaled way down, so although it’s a very beautiful space for her, it’s nowhere near the size we had hoped for and is the only room she would be able to use. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the subject, thanks very much.
Are there hospice homes near you. My Aunt was in one and said it was really nice. Medicare pays for the care but not the facility, so that would be private pay.