My 90 year old mom just moved in with my husband and me. Thirty years ago I had hospice for my dad, and he died in my home, in our bedroom. To this day I find I look over to where he died and remember…
I’ve realized I truly don’t want to experience this again with my mom, as she is now in an addition we put on which will be the main floor master when she is no longer with us.
I realize she could die suddenly and obviously there’s no control over that, but if it ends up being a slower process, how do I negotiate not having her actually die in the home? She has been adamant that she doesn’t want to be in a nursing home, at all.
Thanks in advance for your feedback!
Are there hospice homes near you. My Aunt was in one and said it was really nice. Medicare pays for the care but not the facility, so that would be private pay.
The second is to ‘get over it’. Like your own concern, this does sound a bit insensitive. However most houses of any age have had deaths take place in them, and older houses have had many births/ stillbirths/ illnesses as well. If you read Dorothy Sayers murder mysteries, in ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ Lord Peter Wimsey says that generations of his ancestors had been both born and died in the same bedroom and in the same carved bed (I think they changed the mattresses!). This was when the honeymooners were facing a night in the murdered man’s bed. I’ve read of young couples being determined to ‘build their own house’ new, to be absolutely positive that no-one had died in it. It’s not very intelligent – if a child died, would they move out?
When I have a disturbed night, I sleep in the single bed that was my mother's. When my elder sister Mary was 15, me 12, younger sister 9, we shared a large bedroom. My grandfather (who lived with us and my single mother) died at home of cancer, and in a week or two Mary moved into his room. My mother wouldn’t have put up with a difficult hissy fit at such a stressful time, but I can’t remember that Mary ever raised a problem with it. There really wasn’t much choice, and leaving the room empty wasn’t sensible.
I’d certainly plan on a redecoration of the room, different color, different bed (presumably queen will be necessary instead of single/ hospital), different curtains, different furniture position etc.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Margaret
The room my mom is in is the only bedroom on the first floor - we had planned a very large master suite addition to a very small bedroom there, almost apartment-like, and then Covid hit just as we were getting started! The project needed to be scaled way down, so although it’s a very beautiful space for her, it’s nowhere near the size we had hoped for and is the only room she would be able to use. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the subject, thanks very much.
The thing is. Come what come may, you are not going to have the same experience with your mother. Of course that doesn't mean it's something you'll want to dwell on every night, staring at the ceiling... "sheesh. Six inches from my left shoulder...." but it *may* mean that you're dreading a paper tiger.
Practical matters: do you have a room in the main house where you could set up a hospital bed and comfortable, cheerful furnishings ready for when she needs hospice?
I do appreciate your observations and will definitely think on it, thank you.
Look around now for a resource for you - a counselor who is trained in bereavement issues. Not the same as ordinary grief/loss or depression. Sorting out the impact of your father's death now will help a lot to allow you to be present to your mother and the current situation.
To find someone with bereavement training - ask your MD, ask the local hospital social services department, ask the local hospices (non profits often have more resource suggestions than the profit ones), ask your friends if they have a good therapist and then ask that therapist about bereavement vs. depression. And if talking to the first person does not help, try again.
Worked as a hospice nurse, and really hope you are able to find some effective support.
Be prepared though. As we all know, anyone can die at any time and often there is absolutely no advance notice. So you are not going to be able to control where she dies. My dad had a stroke in my living room and it never bothered me too much. When we still had the chair he slipped out of, I could "see" him there sometimes but that went away when we got new furniture in the living room. Not to get rid of his image, just because we needed it. That's an option - redecorate, move the furniture around, etc.
I'm sure you can find a way to deal with it if it happens again. Death is part of life so try not to get too freaked out about it.
Good luck.
I am worried that that my toxic sisters will barge into the house and make my mother's dying days a total nightmare for her and me.
At least you don't have that worry.
I think others here have given very practical advice.
Good luck!
Our society has a poor relationship with the natural process of death. Back in earlier times, before modern medicine, death was so common that people were more accepting. The body of the dead loved one would actually be held in the home for visitors and people would take turns sitting up all night with the body (hence the term "wake"). It was a sign of respect. We seem to want to whitewash it. One thing that helps me is to know you are holding a sacred space for the dying body so the soul is set free.
we really do not do ourself a favor by turning our back in death and dying process. My husband doesn’t even like to use the word die or dead…so odd.
But that In Patient Unit can also be used, if beds are available for Respite as well as other circumstances.
If mom is on Hospice talk to the Social Worker and the Chaplain and discuss this. There is a good possibility that they would take mom as she shows End Of Life signs. (Hospice I volunteer for took a young mom and kept her for a while as she and her husband did not want her to die in the house where her young ( grade school age) children would be. ) The Hospice I volunteer for the room are NOTHING like a nursing home or even a hospital so if the Hospice you select has an In Patient Unit like that mom would probably be very comfortable and at ease .
DYing at home is the best and most natural place to die.
Wold you like to die alone in a cold ole Hospital Bed or Nursing Home?
I had my sister live with my husband and I her last 3 months and she was given our Master Bedroom as that was the only one on the 1st floor.
I have never ever regretted it.
The day she arrived she was so thankful to be with me. She said she felt loved and safe.
Yes, it was sad and even tho it's been 8 years next month, things in my Bedroom and bathroom remind me of her but I'm so glad I made the decision to let her.
I and yes, she died in my bed as she found the Hospital bed not comfortable and she even asked me being concerned about it and I told her I would be honored to have her with me and in my bed and was happy I could do it.
If you don't want mom to die in your new to be Master Bedroom, you can always change rooms with her sooner than later.
These statement are 'so easy' to make and have no foundational support for the person feeling them. Saying just get over your bad feelings doesn't help someone feeling them.
Certainly, as many of us here do, we speak from experience. You clearly state your experience as if it is the 'right' way or 'right' answer for EVERYONE ELSE to follow in these circumstances, Yet, no one here is YOU.
It is important to hear the pain behind the questions and support asked for - and put yourself in their shoes, not the shoes you wore. When a person responds as you do, you encourage guilt and more pain for the person needing support. Do you understand this? Every situation (and person) is different.
Ask the hospice nurse to help you recognize the time to move her over there . They hospice and palliative care nursing here in Michigan are absolutely Godsent nurses with so many helpful ideas.
Prayers and blessings.
IF you decide that you mom will stay where she is, it is then a matter of you processing through your feelings from the past (30 years ago w/your dad) - to support you with your mom when she transitions.
* Memories will always come up. Some good, some not so good, some heartbreaking.
* It sounds like perhaps you never allowed yourself to process through what happened to your dad, in your home. I would recommend you get into therapy / counseling to work through these feelings - from 30 years ago - and present day.
* Your question could appear insensitive to others and frankly, so what? You feel this way and you are entitled to your feelings. It is a matter of how you 'hold' the experience of transitioning (dying) and how you learn and decide to process/let go, for instance:
- When you are in the room where your dad died and as you say 'and remember' - yes you will and always will remember. It IS possible to feel those memories and then ATTACH a good feeling and memory of your Dad, with the sadness / loss. It is a way to honor and appreciate him, remembering a loving moment. Turn the sadness into a moment of gratitude and reflection.
- Allow the sadness to come, the tears to come. Do not 'try' to suppress the feelings, allow them to wash through you. Be present and honor ALL your feelings. Gena / Touch Matters
I’ve been through it once, and I don’t care to do it again if it can be helped.
And I would love to read the statistics that you mention that if you move someone they will die within 3 months due to the shock of the change.
There is a very strong case to be made for death in a hospice facility. I have been close to several people who either made that choice or the choice was made for them by family. In a hospice facility there are trained staff for taking care of the physical needs of the dying, there are multiple staff to assure night care, and also plenty of people who know what is happening and understand what needs to be done.
Bear in mind that after your mother dies, you will probably live for many more years. It would be a very good thing if you could have her final days, weeks, whatever include some good memories, some peace concerning the process. You may want to have some conversations with your Mom about what you need. She may be able to understand that you need to be able to have her cared for in a way that leaves you free to focus on your relationship rather than her physical decline. She may also have lost the capacity to consider anyone else's point of view. You will need to live with whatever happens.
It may be that your mother will have a brief final illness, like my mother, in which a choice is made to not seek further treatment. In that case, you can insist that she go where she can have medical care in hospice. She could also die suddenly, as you have mentioned. Perhaps it is better to make a few tentative plans and push the anguished decisions to the time when you have some facts on which to base your decision.
Perhaps it might have been wise if you had had these thoughts before you moved her into your home, but we all tend to think of the present first and not consider what will happen next. Whatever happens, enjoy the time you now have with your mother, feeling the closeness of your relationship. If things change later, you will have some good memories to offset the painful decisions you may--or may not--have to make later.
When the time comes that you feel hospice is required, get the doctor to write an order for an evaluation. Once approved, have mom placed in a hospice house/facility where you can go visit her daily, and where she can be tended to 24/7 by their staff. "Being adamant" about not wanting to be in nursing home is actually a selfish statement for a parent to make, and does not take the children's needs or wants into consideration. Life doesn't always pan out the way we'd like it to, or turn out to be a neat and simple process, especially where death is concerned. I think it's 100% fair and reasonable to have mom placed in a hospice facility when she is approaching the end of her life; that's not a 'nursing home' and you'll have done the most you can for her by the time that determination is made.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
Assisted Living doesn’t like anyone to die in their facility. If death is imminent, they call the Conservator or POA and have them transferred into hospice at a hospital or private facility.
Turns out, people aren’t fond of moving into a home or room where someone else “passed.”
I had to meet the ambulance at the hospital, then they transferred her to the hospice building, for her last 3 days.
If you sell your house, you have to divulge, someone died in it.
You only get out of it, if the house was not owned by you.
My husband passed away last November. He was bed bound in a hospital bed, which I had located in our den. He was in that location so I could keep an eye on him all the time. He had a nice view out of the doors in both directions. I couldn't very well let the location where he died haunt me. My solution was to place a huge, beautiful Christmas tree in the spot where he died. It helped chase the sad feelings away re the locations. I'm now in the process of redecorating the room, which was long overdue. I had put everything on hold during the time my husband was declining so as not to create stress. Again, my husband and I really loved each other, so no spooky feelings about where death occurred. He wanted to be at home, and I was blessed to be able to care for him.