I haven't seen my SIL for over a year. She hasn't called since my husband, her brother, passed away. How do I conduct myself when I see her?
My husband of 35+ years passed away a year ago. His half-sister (lives in the same town a few blocks away), hasn't reached out to me since he passed and, well, throughout his life and the 35+ years of our marriage, she didn't embrace a relationship with him or his family (me or his children). Oh, she pretended to "love" them during family get-togethers, but aside from that, she didn't include him in the family. She wants others to believe she does so when we were together at family outings, she made a big deal (hugs, sweet voice, missing you sentiments) so everyone thinks she is kind to him (us).
But, during the memorial service and thereafter, not one word to me since his passing. Not one. She did lament to someone (at a bar over her sixth beer) that she doesn't know why I hate her. That I haven't called her since her brother died. Whatever. The reason for this question is...I will be seeing her this weekend for the first time in over a year. I plan on being very cordial, nice to see you, blah blah blah. But after that, what in the world do I say? I KNOW she will ask: How have you been? in her oh-so-sweet voice. Let me say that in the 30+ years that we were married, in the first 10 or so, I went overboard to become part of her life...trying to get the children together for play dates, to movies, to shopping and other attempts to become a "sister-in-law" and part of the family. ALL attempts were ignored. Not once did she take me up on any of it. So after a while, I just stopped. I had my husband and children, my mom, dad, sister, etc. When his family had outings and get-togethers, we'd of course join, but aside from these 3 or 4 events throughout the year, nadda.
At first, I was really hurt, but after more than 10 years, I just didn't care any more! So, no, I don't hate her. I really don't spend my precious time on her at all. I still feel badly that she hurt her brother all those years, but now that he's gone, I don't feel any obligation to her. Throughout the years, I have had several friends and family who lost a sister, brother, best friend. My M.O. is to call the person left behind. Take them to dinner. Find out how they are and if they need anything. It's what a person does. We console each other. The fact that she was "waiting" for me to call her and that she hasn’t called me (texted or sent a card) after he passed just reinforces her narcissism. Yes, he was her brother, but she never had time for him while he was alive.
On the other hand, he was my husband, my friend, my every day. I miss him and our life every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him...sometimes to growl at him! :-) I have my children, grandchildren, friends--all of whom embrace my sorrow, have been there in the good and bad times and who all have tried and succeeded in making life after his passing as pleasant as they can. Seriously. I don't give her a thought. She just wasn't part of my life for a good 30 years. Wow. It could have and should have been better, but that was her choice. He and I have a loving family unit. My entire family embraced him. He was an easy person to love. Now that he is no longer here, I’ve chosen not to be part of her "family". I think it’s funny that she is pretending that it bothers her, but that’s how she gets other people (her people) to feel sorry for her. It’s always about her, you know. She needs the attention, so that is the story she is spinning. That I am the one who hasn’t kept in touch with her. Anyway, any advice on how I should conduct myself? Just be nice is my motto, but believe me, it won't be easy. (PS: I wouldn't be thinking of her now, but this little get-together is being hosted by my children. I feel I have to go...or I would make an excuse not to go!)
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Cheers on being brave enough not to allow her to ruin your day
So everything is fine. just fine, working out just fine, amazing since we last spoke, just fine.AND then flip her two questions in the one sentence.. Have them ready, like How are your children and the dogs and what is your husband doing now. and just stare with that smile, dont show the top teeth, just a little opening. and smile and stare her out.
Have fun my dear, and Im sure your husband will be sitting on your shoulder agreeing with the FINE..
I worked in the hospital when I was really unwell and I knew that the HR team thought they would be able to flick me off the staff list. EVERY morning as I arrived for work the B*** was walking down the corridor and would step into my space and ask me how I was.. My response was" Perfect thankyou". and walk on.
She tried to stop me and ask what I meant by perfect. I did the double question thing... "Thank you for asking it means just that, and what do you think you will do with the information and you dont need to ask me daily or are you keeping a diary.?"
she never spoke to me again. I was neither polite or rude, just pretended she didnt know my conversation.
Some blistering sisterly in laws are not worth the oxygen let alone the thought
Of course, I attended my daughter’s get together at the lake (with my husband’s side of the family). I did have to take a deep breath when I saw SIL walking toward the picnic area. I didn’t seek her out and busied myself setting up the food table. It only took five minutes or so before she made it to the table. I turned and she was there. She gave me a hug and said “It’s good to see you”. I just smiled. She chattered on about the drive, how she got lost, blah, blah. As she chattered and giggled, I moved away to continue my busy work (she was getting attention from others around the area, so I could ease away without being rude :-). I wasn’t around her much that day as I stayed in the area with my family while she was busy making sure everyone knew how busy she’s been in her “semi” retirement. If she was nearby, I may have heard a few words, but I would quietly move away. My grandchildren were there, so it was easy to move toward one of them. They always welcome my attention! She did say a few words to me and when she did, I responded pleasantly and with a smile. Honestly, I treated her as I would an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while. Which is exactly what she is…to me. Even at that, she never did ask me how I’ve been and certainly didn’t apologize for not keeping in touch. I lost my husband and I'm still missing him, the times that were and the times we'll never have again. But, I'm blessed with wonderful children, extended family and many friends who fill my life in other ways. To this day, if I haven’t seen an acquaintance in a while, they will ask me how I’m doing. Co-workers still ask. People that knew my husband, but didn’t know me well—ask me how I am and tell me how much they miss him. But her. Nada. It boggles my mind.
I’m so relieved this moment is over. I made it through the “first” encounter and now, future encounters should be a lot easier on my mind! Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. Your thoughts mirrored mine and truly gave me confidence to face the situation, my head held high and yes, who cares what anyone else thinks. Her story won’t be as it happened, it will be twisted so she is the beleaguered one, but she needs her story to justify her actions. I’m so glad you all were here for me. I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY!
As a side note, her husband sat with me at several times that day (when I had a moment to sit) and he talked about my husband, asked me how I was doing—knowing that it must still be hard. I’m sure she drilled him for information on the drive home. That makes me smile.
People like that are toxic and you don't need toxic relationships . You need strong ones, healthy ones. Please just know that if you let this go you will be better off. Ask yourself what is you are trying to prove in wanting a relationship with someone who has spent all these years treating you badly. What do you hope to prove and why?
My short answer to you would be to be true to yourself first. If you 'must' attend a function in which her presence is unavoidable, then think about how being around the main group would feel without her and continue in that vein...as for her, as you said, be cordial and 'friendly' but don't be a phony and pretend that she's your long lost friend/sister and that you have to spend inordinate amount of time being sociable with her...if you've had nothing to say to her all these years, you can't change that in an evening's time. Enjoy yourself being sociable with those that return your charm and have a good time...perhaps she'll get the clue that she's not all that important in your life.
You don’t need friends like her (and you never have).
Other people also see her for who she really is. Don’t worry about what they think.
But keep in mind, the phone works both ways,
If she causes you discomfort, you can say this to her.
My relationship with various in laws runs from very friendly to 'I hate you'. (Not from my lips)--really, my MIL has said that to me umpteen times. It's kind of loosing it's 'power'.
Took me almost 40 years to realize that some people just can't be 'won over' and maybe that's for the best.
BTW, it was not your place to reach out to her after your hubby's passing. It was hers. I don't know why people would even think that a grieving widow should be spending her time and energy trying to comfort/engage with others.
Reminds me of my MIL when her ex (my FIL) died. extremely acrimonious divorce and so much nastiness and venom from her we just had to be very blunt with her and tell her to grow up and SHUT UP. After FIL died, she refused to even come to the viewing or funeral and was angry that people didn't send her flowers or something to show their 'sympathy'. Good heavens, she's lambasted this poor man for 50+ years and she wonders why nobody is acknowledging her 'widowhood'...Dh finally had it out with her and said to stop the crocodile tears and grow up. Every conversation with her takes a turn at some point and she needs to be the 'victim' and we're all just sick to death of it.
People are weird. Just accept that. Sounds like SIL is not going to come to terms--maybe she's grieving, maybe she's a narcissists and enjoys the "oh you poor thing' that comes with a death in the family. IDK.
Just be nice. If she bugs you, walk away. You'll be so much better off for not acknowledging her.
Go to the gathering. Be polite/cordial and move on to other guests. If she says anything about you not calling her all this time, just say something like I guess both of us have let too much time pass without contact...call me sometime and we can talk.
At the get together, there's probably other folks that will attend that you aren't everyday chummy with. We don't choose to be in close relationships with everyone we meet and same for others. Chit-chat, be friendly and move on. You already know how to conduct yourself and probably didn't need to ask us! Have fun at the party.
Used to work with a woman who would get in a bad mood early in the morning and would say - I just walked all the way over to the other side of the building and not one person said 'good morning'. For a long time, I simply said something like, I'm sorry or that's not good, etc. Finally one day my little lightbulb switched on. Nearly everyone will respond if you say something to them, so I tried another tactic. The next time she said it, I asked her if she said hello to anyone that she passed in the hall. She said no. I said, well that meant two people passed without speaking. She started to get angry and then began laughing about it. Said she never thought about it that way.
I completely get your situation because my SIL sounds just like yours. In our case, SIL avoids us completely. In public, she is all about family. It is hard, especially because we know she actually bad mouths us. It is hard not to care what she says. At this point, I figure whoever buys what SIL dishes out does not know the real SIL and does not know us. And I don't think that they matter.
I have talked about a "friend" who left me a nasty message about not making her aware of certain get togethers knowing she needed transportation. I had no idea what she was talking about. Tried to call her back, couldn't leave a message, so I texted her. Never heard from her . This was April. Before caring for Gson and Mom, I did a lot for her. Tired of her Drama. She has other friends, so I have chose to step away. My class had a 70th BD party and she was brought by friends. I said Hi when I passed her but I didn't go out of my way. Do I feel guilty, no. I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. My friend is where she is in life. No, not her fault she has Parkinson's but her fault that her two boys aren't there for her.
1. Never lie about a situation. Stick to the truth at all times.
2. You choose who to have in your life and so does the other person. You show this in how you spend your time - letters, phone calls, get togethers, etc.
3. Be the better person - be kind, be gracious, be loving, but don't be a doormat.
4. Figure out what are the "difficult behaviors" - the ones that drive you nuts.
5. Decide in advance what you will do when a "difficult behavior" shows up: maybe it's to walk away, maybe it's to say that you don't see things "their way", maybe it's to have a polite but firm response of what you will and will not do...
5. I'm a person of faith, so I'm a huge fan of prayer to God. Ask Him for help. Let go of the past for Him to deal with as well as to deal with her. Live in joy and freedom to be your best self.
I know it must be incredibly difficult to be nice/cordial to people we don't like. I am not sure I could do that myself.
You did say you would be nice and cordial. That's all you should do. Give the SIL no reason to talk bad about your conduct at the family get together.
As for what to say after the usual greetings, how about something neutral like the weather, the food at the party, the latest sales at some stores, Or you can just stay silent for a few seconds and let her either come up with a topic or excuse herself.
There could be skeletons in the closet that you really Really don't want to know about. 'nuff said.
Just treat her like any neighbor you might run into at the grocery.
My DH of 33 years passed away in May of last year. His family never felt like My family and his children never accepted me as Dad's Wife.
I don't miss them. I'm polite when the oldest texted me (twice) and that's about it. When I saw him last September, I told him we would never see each other again and I was right. It's ok. I have no need to "reach out" to him or his siblings; I was married to Dad and the love of my life came to the end of his road.
Be yourself. I don't know where this comes from but "Be True To Yourself" and don't worry about her or anyone else.
You control the narrative.I to tried to have more than a cordial relationship with my now deceased SIL for over 20 years.
My brother also passed prior to her passing.Five years prior,but she was as Lucy would say to Charlie Brown wishy- washy.
I tried for the last time after my brother passed for my niece and nephew as well as my brother.I would say a good year maybe a bit less it looked like we were making progress.Then back to the same.
I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite poets Dr Maya Angelou..When a person shows you who they are believe them.
#1. Like you already said, just be nice and Cordial.
It's only a get together and keep in mind it probably won't happen again in a long time.
Dont' worry about what she tells others and don't even bother trying to defend yourself to others.
If they know the woman, then they already know how she is.
#2. Tell her nicely exactly how you feel and what you think.
#3. If you can't do #1 or #2, then Don't Go.