I have been on this forum for over 5 years. My advice to anyone: Move far away from your aging parents. Far, far away.

Boy can I relate to this subject! I thought I could help my mother but I was wrong. I moved her back out of my house into independent living before things really got bad and I lost all my privacy and everything I worked toward for 36 years. She blows up my phone and shows up on the doorstep but I do not answer either.
HOWEVER...helping her and my father (already in LTC) opened my eyes to many things that I do not want to happen to me, and I am taking steps to insure I am not a burden, not uncovered when the time comes, and getting prepared now. I am downsizing my house (nobody can beg to come live here anymore), I am selling and moving to an independent living over 55 community which is fabulous, and I have set unmoveable boundaries because I saw how quickly I was engulfed and exhausted. My hat is off to those who are caring for an aging elder..God bless you, I could not do it. My parents made choices and lived their life. Their consequences now. It’s only fair i get to live my life too. No regrets here other than I wasted 2 years on all this and have delayed my retirement and life.

That's good advice for this community - as most parents who become difficult to care for and end up being a burden on their kids - it's not so much the physical aspect of caring, it's the emotional burden because of so many difficult behaviours and psychological problems that the aging person has not dealt with or not treated for. These types of issues can not be improved by better caring by a long suffering child. Instead, most of these people need professional assistance in a residential facility where the burden of their psychological problems can be shared across many health professionals and carers.

WHY?.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed.

If you run from the issues it tells me something.else.is causing this:
caregiver burnout
Ffinances
No time to yourself

Find caregiver services in the U.S.:

Family Care Navigator – Including eldercare services. (Family Caregiver Alliance)

Resources for Caregivers – Support for caregivers of adults, children, individuals with disabilities and mental disorders,
veterans, and more. (American Psychological Association)
Elder Care Services Search – Services for older adults and their carers. (The U.S. Department of Aging)

Respite Locator – Services in both the U.S. and Canada. (Arch National Respite Network)

Find caregiver services in other countries:
In the UK: Your Guide to Care and Support – NHS services, including respite care. (NHS)

In Australia: Support for Families and Carers – Resources and information. (Carers Australia)

In New Zealand: Carers New Zealand – Help and advice, including guidance on respite care services. (Carers NZ)
In Canada: Services for Seniors (PDF) – Including in-home support. (Government of Canada)

State Respite Coalitions
 
 About State Respite Coalitions and State Lifespan Respite Programs
 State Respite Coalition Contacts 
State Lifespan Respite Contacts 
State Respite Coalition Fact Sheets, Updated Compendium for 2017 (for the most current contact information for State Coalitions, see contact list below)
To view and print out individual State Fact Sheets, scroll down to state information below.
Workbook: Building a Statewide Respite Coalition: Where Do We Begin?
 

What are State Respite Coalitions and how do they differ from Lifespan Respite Programs?
Most State Respite Coalitions are grassroots membership organizations composed of state and local, public and private organizations, which represent individuals with disabilities or chronic conditions of all ages; family caregivers; community and faith-based organizations and respite, social service and health care providers. Most often their activities are focused on advocacy, networking, and public education. Some coalitions also provide training and respite vouchers. They may be run by volunteers or paid staff. Most exist as informal structures, while others are formalized within or as 501(c)(3) nonprofit entities. Contact information for each coalition is listed below.
State Lifespan Respite Programs are run by a designated state government lead agency, which works in collaboration with a state respite coalition and an Aging and Disability Resource Center. Their purpose is to implement statewide systems of coordinated, community-based respite for family caregivers caring for individuals with special needs of all ages. State Lifespan Respite grantees may assign some Lifespan Respite activities to State Respite Coalitions for purposes of the grant or the State Respite Coalition may act in an advisory or advocacy capacity for the grantee. For State Lifespan Respite grantee contacts, click here.

State Respite Coalition Contacts:
Alabama
Alabama Lifespan Respite
info​@​alabamarespite.org

Brittany Huey
Statewide Training Coordinator
Alabama Respite
Project of UCP of Huntsville and
Tennessee Valley
1856 Keats Drive
Huntsville, Alabama 35810
(256) 859-4900
(256) 859-4332 FAX
bhuey​@​ucphuntsville.org

Website: 
www.alabamarespite.org


AL Respite Coalition Fact Sheet
Arizona
Arizona Caregiver Coalition
P.O. Box 21623
Phoenix, AZ 85036
Arizona Caregiver 
Resource Line
1-888-737-7494
CRL​@​AZCaregiver.net
Jutta Ulrich
Executive Director
Arizona
Caregiver Coalition
P.O. Box 21623
Phoenix, AZ 85036
602-542-6593
Info​@​AZRespite.org 
Dorothy Kelly
Caregiver Advocate
ACC Board Member
Foundation for Senior Living
1201 East Thomas Rd.
Phoenix, AZ 85014
602-285-1800 Ext: 176
dkelly​@​fsl.org 

Jantell Cansler
Caregiver Advocate
ACC Board Member
AARP Arizona
16165 North 83rd Avenue, Ste. 201
Peoria, AZ 85382
602-262-5166
jcansler​@​aarp.org 
Website: 
www.azcaregiver.org

God Bless!

I am,of the generation where you do have a responsibility to your parents. I don't regret that responsibility. I did not like it and all it entailed. But my sister and I did it. And we don't regret it. We regret how it ended. But we can't change that now.we did right by her though.

I just couldn't do that but I certainly understand the anguish expressed here. I haven't had a wonderful relationship with my mother but I am an only child and I believe I rescued her both health wise and financially as she was making bad choices. She fortunately bought a LTC policy. She is in AL near me. I could not live with her but I do have her near. Since she has been in AL so many issues are not as problematic. I do feel for all of you who are dealing with parents with destructive behavior.

I’m new to this site but so glad I found it!! My mother is 95 and still going strong!! She lives alone and I go over to help her every other day and every other Saturday. It’s downright awful now. Ever since she stopped driving 3 years ago she needs me more. However, she is a hoarder and won’t let me clean up the pig pen. She won’t bathe or change her clothes or let me wash her hair. When I urged her yesterday to let me wash her hair she screams at me and says now I know why people kill each other!!! Then she goes on to ask me if I nag my husband like I nag her all the time. She told me to leave her house before she called the police!!! I can’t deal with her anymore. She has her mind and when I spoke to an elder lawyer he said I can’t get her to go to a nursing home or assisted living because just because she makes bad choices doesn’t mean she’s incompetent. She is as sharp minded as she was 95 years ago!! Oh, did I tell you she’s a gambling addiction too? She blew through all of her husband’s money. Every last cent. Now she takes call a bus to the store to play scratch off tickets. It’s horrible. I don’t even have any good memories of her anymore!! Nobody should have to take care of an aging parent. Nobody!!! It is a thankless job.

If you aren't a caregiver, you just don't understand. I was venting to a cousin who I'm very close to (who luckily lives 1000 miles away, I live down the hall from my mother) and realized she was the wrong person to vent to. To her my mother is a savior, a model of what a mother should be compared to her mother (my mom's sister). When our grandmother was in a nursing home she said "I did a few things for her and I'll always be glad I did. You will too". Really? A FEW things? You mean, you lived your life and when it was convenient you would drop by and visit for an hour, maybe take her a magazine or cookies.

I could type and type for HOURS but I'll end this with the statement I make to my children every single day "you will NEVER have to go through this with me. When YOU think the time is right, put wherever there is an available Medicaid bed. All I ask for is decent WiFi, a working iPad full of my currently unread books, and my foam pillow". They don't have to bring me home for holidays, they don't have to visit, they don't even have to CALL me. All they have to do is lead happy, healthy, productive lives and I'll be satisfied.

Many here want to be the white knight who comes riding in on a white horse, to do everything to care for their parent(s), and it results in the caretaker completely losing themselves, ending up in that black hole.

My mother is an alcoholic, a real must miss, I live 700 miles from her, that is even not far enough. She refuses home care, she refuses AL, she says No to everything. So now I sit and wait for the rubber band to break, then my brother and I will do what we have to do. Her choice, her consequences.

Rant away, we get it!

Thanks all. This was just a rant that I should have posted under the "whine moment" thread but I am so sour about this whole mess that I wanted to grab the spotlight :)

So, when I first joined this forum, I believe in 2012-2013 sometime, there was a man on here who was so negative and snarky that I was shocked. I think I even zinged him a message letting him know I disapproved of his comments. Now, I find that I am the snarky poster as I realize there is absolutely no good outcome from all of this, any of it, dealing with an aging parent/person.

I now only read the title to this forum as "Aging". For me, the "Care" is gone, as I continue to be saddled with the responsibility of two shells of people that were formerly my parents (both Benzo addicts and alcohol abusers) into an unknown future without a visible finish line.

Thanks for listening (reading) my rants. It's helping keep me sane.

The standing joke among my cousins was to say, "where will you move next, Europe?" Because I kept moving away and my parents would keep following me.....to be near their only grandchild, they'd say. I'm an only child, at 62, and unfortunately, never DID move to Europe. Mother has been living near me, again, since 2011 and is now in memory care and still going strong at almost 93. She may, in fact, outlive me and my husband. I've had to move her SIX times since 2011 and she never stops complaining to give me one minute of peace. It's incredibly draining and exhausting, the whole mess.
I hear you loud and clear, my friend

I don't blame you . No one understands unless there a caregiver themselves . It's a thankless work, unpaid... then when you complain people will tell you that you don't care about your loved one... Like really?? If there so good, why don't they come up and help? I love my mom, she's 80, but I honestly don't think I can live with her anymore. I barely have kept my shit together all these years and I'm 27 . My anxiety and depression have gotten so bad, that I finally had to go on meds for it, so I can go day to day without having a mental breakdown . After finding this site, and other groups on facebook, I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore .

Caregivers don't get a lot of support . It's too much, caring for someone 24/7 . I did it for years with mom. Driving her to the doctors, restaurants, helping her with her meds, repeat, for a while I did, and didn't work, then finally I had to get a job, and I was still helping mom, then last year her back surgery was the breaking point . You really don't realize till it's done and over with, of how much of your life you put on hold, to take care of your parents, grandparents, or anyone else in the family, with hardly any support .

Oh Upstream, Great big hug!

We can always hope that the state decides to put her in a facility to protect others😉

You are a trooper. I pray that you find a way to not be so tied to her.

Upstream, early on it was great having my parents literary just around the corner, Dad knew how to fix anything so my house was always in top shape.... but as soon as my parents stop driving that is when the earth opened up and I was swallowed in.

I was also an only child, and have been following your posts over those past five years. It is always one thing after another.

I know what you mean and it's not that far off, imo. You really do have to be able to set some boundaries that you will adhere to. Others may not respect or acknowledge your boundaries, so, you must insist. I've learned just how stressful and all encompassing it can be. I intend to make other arrangements pretty soon and regain my life. I won't go too far though. I think one county away is sufficient. lol

Ha. I always say the best place for any family is 1,000 miles away, and that is coming from a very loving and sweet family. I am with you, in a sense. I don't have the mental courage it takes to take on the care of a loved one 24/7. I would not have had when I was younger, either. I cannot imagine how those who do this are able to continue and keep sanity. I have seen such courage on this site. But I have seen tragedy as well, people driven almost literally mad. You posted under burnout. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I cannot imagine.