I moved to another state to help her.
My first home was a joint application for her since she couldn’t get a place on her own. (After her divorce)
Now she has a lung disease, trying to get her in a lung transplant program. She was already dropped from one program, myself and my sister both almost lost our jobs (FMLA has been exhausted) trying to get her to her appointments. Mom doesn’t drive anymore. My sister and I don’t have support from any family members.
And to top it all off, she isn’t nice or appreciative. She says “that’s what family is suppose to do” she won’t use grocery delivery services “those are for people with no families.”
She also doesn’t pay her portion of bills, which my sister and I then have to stress about and come up with money.
At what point do I start living for myself? I’m nearing 40, no friends, no dating life. Working 2 jobs.
Too bad if she doesn't like it that's what she can afford.
You can still assist her in some ways example: shopping when YOU go shopping. (BTW my friend does this for me cuz she goes to stores I don't like Costco).
I had to do this with my brother, no not easy but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Blessings
hgn
When you decide to set boundaries. No one else can do that for you.
If you are not even 40 yet and been taking care of her for 10 years already!!?? It sounds like it’s time for all 3 of you (you, sis, & mom) to up those big-girl-panties and work together at finding a new place for mom. She can get assistance thru SSI and Medicaid, and you can still be around to take her to appointments, shopping, or just visiting.
Boundaries are are a good thing!! ... and I need to take my own advice 🙋♀️
NOBODY should be living their life for someone else. You parents are not stupid, they are kind of crafty and manipulative.
Sounds like they need to be living in an ALF or SNF---and you can "help out" as you choose fit to do. (Personally, I wouldn't visit more than twice a week--and spell out the other days with other sibs/willing family).
If/When she has the lung transplant--having gone through a liver transplant with DH--I can tell you it was a 4 months of hell--24/7 care, no "help" really, all my kids HAD kids, and he was so immunosuppressed--he couldn't be around anyone.
You WILL have to quit working to take care of her at home if she's still living there.
I laughed at the comment that grocery delivery is for people with no families---My daughters with kiddoes at home all use online shop/delivery. They LOVE it.
Sounds like it's past time for mom and dad to face reality and move to a better environment. You won'e be abandoning them--you'll be enabling them to have a better QOL.
But--they won't see it that way--so good luck!
are selfish, entitled and exploitative. They will think nothing of draining EVERY
resource from their own children, while bad mouthing them and complaining
to all who will listen. This of course is to cover their tracks when their adult
child wakes up to the con. It is a con. Plain and simple. You have to discern
what is necessary and what is not. And what you are willing and able to do
while still living your own life.
The harsh truth is that narcissistic entitled people will think nothing of literally
killing you by exhaustion or leaving you penniless by their incessant demands.
They will continue to play the victim to your "selfishness and failures", both
during your life and after. This is the deal. Do you accept?
By complaining, playing victim, gaslighting, slandering, etc. they expertly keep their adult children on a never ending hamster wheel of effort. Threatening to withdraw whatever scraps of parental love that they are judiciously drip feeding their hapless children, keeps them at their Quixotic efforts for years, even decades.
I've even overheard some narcissistic seniors laugh and gloat over their adult children straining and sacrificing to please them. Many are kind and charming to strangers. Even quite loving. The pain caused to the adult child acting as their parents personal servant is excruciating as they are often given only the mere glimpse of parental love and most often ridicule and disappointment or contempt and even outright abuse for their efforts. It's the ultimate con in a way and a very nasty one.
You can help a demanding narcissistic parent, but first make sure you know exactly where they end and you begin. And also that you have people in your life that appreciate and cherish you. If you don't, begin with yourself. It's the only way to step off that hamster wheel of unrelenting (and often unnecessary) demands and begin to live your life. Good luck!!!!
ONLINE shopping/delivery etc. is a GODSEND!
In my own life, I have come to realize that I am out of balance that I am putting everybody and everything before me. Well, not anymore! I am in the process of moving things around and changing somethings like taking a few hours out to write. I have told everybody between these hrs leave me alone, you better be dying to bother me! I think you get my point! Find what is important to you and make a decision! Yes, this is easier said than done!
Good luck!
Except that's a side issue really, isn't it.
Ten years ago, your mother divorced (whose idea was that?) and you and your sister made yourself jointly responsible for her welfare going forward.
Why? Not so much, why did you and your sister want to help your newly-divorced mother; more, why was your mother happy to surrender this responsibility to young women in their twenties?
Who is your mother living with now, you or your sister (or both of you, I suppose)?
How old is your mother?
What is her prognosis a) with or b) without a lung transplant?
How were things before the divorce? - did you girls get away to college, start careers, usual things?
Now I do not mean to put you down to much, but some people are just born "caregivers" and have compassion, others are not.
Just to clarify, you sound like a great person with a lot to offer. Almost 40? No worries, that isn't old at all! Best wishes to you.
No grocery delivery, no groceries.
She has selfishly taken some of the most important years of your life. Enough already.
You know she will pitch a fit, that's how she has manipulated you and your sister. She expects you to care more about her then she does and it is not possible.
You say she has already been taken off one donor list. Why? Is it because they see she won't make good use of the gift?
You have been put in a horrible position by her and it is up to you to put a stop to it. Tell her no more, if she is ill there are transportation programs that she can apply for, she will qualify for aid because of her condition. Right now things are to good for her to be willing to change anything, you and sis will have to play hard ball and make her step up to her life and do what needs to be done.
Prepare yourself to be guilted, shamed, verbally abused, insulted and who knows what else levels she will stoop too, to keep you as her personal servant. It will hurt but not nearly as much as waking up one day to find she has devoured your entire life. A loving mom doesn't want her children to give up their lives to cater to her.
You can do this, it will be hard but you can do it!
Hugs and may God grant you the strength to break this cycle of abuse.
as a kind of hobby. All those years of demands, extremely selfish behavior
and drama, drama, drama, wore me down to a nub. The actual caregiving,
although at times very demanding, was a breeze in comparison to the abuse
and mind games. But I was so consumed with managing the endless crisis, some real, some manufactured, that I didn't notice the heavy toll the mind
games and abuse were taking on me.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They are our best allies.
I have been where you are myself. I felt like a victim of my circumstances for a very long time. I have been the caregiver of my mother (who also does not drive and needs a transplant) and younger brother my whole life. I tried everything to avoid what I thought were my responsibilities, by indulging in food, alcohol and perfectionism. I was even tried to get them to hate me by being mean. When that didn't work I realized I had to get control of my own thoughts and feelings in order to take action and get the results that was best for everyone.
I loved my mom and brother truly did want to care for them while not being solely responsible for everything. Instead of thinking "why me" I had to start thinking "what would a loving daughter do?" This made me feel in control. What a different perspective for me!
While the decisions and actions moving forward were difficult for me it was necessary for everyone. I had to get control over my thoughts and feelings before any changes could happen.
After a long road, my mother now lives with my older brother. He cares for her house and gets a reduced rent. I still care for her medical needs, navigation and fill her pill box each week. She has a caregiver through the state for 6 hours a week. The caregiver gets her to most of her medical appointments and I fill in the rest. My younger brother eventually had to be placed in a state facility.
While this situation is not always perfect, it is healthier than ever. I still struggle with enabling but I consider myself in recovery! :)
I would start by asking yourself why you haven't changed the situation yet? What is holding you back from moving your mom into her own subsided place? What feelings are holding you back? Deal with those and the rest will open up for you. What boundaries are you going to have to put in place? What are you willing and able to do, not what does she want you to do. I have found that Ill parents often need clear boundaries!
Good luck!
In my own situation, I have suggested all of these possibilities and my mother refuses even the free home delivery of her medications. I told her that's her choice, but my brother or someone else will have to do those errands. My brother is now doing them all. Even he refuses to take advantage of the home delivery services. I won't drive her anywhere unless someone else is in the car with us - otherwise she will make nasty, insulting, demeaning, comments to me (usually in a shrill, snide voice). I have offered, many times, to take her on errands one day a week (Friday was the best day for me due to my work schedule), but she refused to make those plans and stated "what if I don;t want to go on that day?" My response: "then someone else will have to take you".
Good luck. I know from my own experience that it is very hard to start setting boundaries and sticking to them. But, in the end, you will begin to have your own life.
Try to take turns taking a break for yourselves.
Most cargivers have little or no help from others, no friends, no support group, no this or that etc. I do what I do bc I choose to, in my eyes its the right thing to do, it's family. And if others don't understand then that's thier problem, not mine. Years later when I look back I'll have memories of the good times
Sounds you need a break, take a hour or two off from time to time.
Dear TheEnabler, I totally get who you are and your situation. You are terrific, and there are many wonderful people and comments on this website. Hopefully you find help and insight in them. I wish only the best of outcomes for you, your sister and mother.
You know, I assume you are a "daughter," but if I'm mistaken, please forgive me. Men are awesome caregivers too!
Family members are NOT obligated to put up with a self-centered narcissistic elderly parent. You are being taken advantage of.
Being an only child I chose to make many changes in my life to care for my mom, including moving to another country, so talk about basically quitting who you are. I’m 46 now and have been here with her for over two years. It is the hardest thing I have done in so many ways, but if I had to make the decision again, I would do the same thing. What I get in return is a gift called peace of mind.
But what I don’t think is right on any count is that you have absolutely no life. I think (and hope I’m right) your sister and you can greatly benefit from more structure, organization and a very needed and urgent reality check. The reality check includes things like establishing if realistically you could take care of your mom after her lung transplant while keeping your jobs. It also implies asking yourselves if you can continue paying those bills she is not (she cannot, or she doesn’t have the means?) without hurting your own fianances -savings are very important and necessary; you both will also be elderly one day, savings are necessary-; a reality check also implies asking yourself if you are ok with not getting married or having kids? That is a BIG question, you need to answer to yourself.
Once one starts the caregiving journey it is so easy to get into a task oriented life (going from one task to the other) without looking at the big picture and planning for the big picture, not just the right now.
I don’t think having your own life and caring for your mom have to be necessarily two divorced objectives, specially because you at least have a sister willing to take on her part. Maybe you both have gotten to this point because you didn’t really plan things from the beginning and just started taking care of each fire that presented itself with your mom.
My best advice for you is to really think about your priorities, your non-negotiables (for example, a non negotiable could be finding a significant other or financial stability, or a career). Then, once you know what is YOUR big picture, seat down with your sister and go back to the white board, start looking at what is happening now, versus what you need to see happening in order to incorporate your big picture to the overall big picture. Consider the ‘what could happen’ as you look into the future and your mom’s needs as she gets older or sicker. Then together with your sister come up with a plan to make the necessary changes, distributing the load the best way you guys can, and also sticking to the plan as much as possible.
A tiny example of what I would do could be to order the groceries online yourself, when they get to the house just say to your mom that this helps you and your sister a great deal and that if there is anything in particular she needs the next time to let you know to include it. This is an easy way to start doing what is necessary, helpful and causes NO harm to your mom. Don’t engage in arguments with your mom, you are an adult, you made a decision that helps everybody, no reason to argue.
You May think I’m analyzing this as if it was so easy to make things happen as they are written on a piece of paper, I know it is not easy, but I think you will greatly benefit from acknowledging where you are in your life and also acknowledging where and how you need to change. Even if you cannot stick to the plan 100%, you will have a clearer perspective of the situation and that gives peace of mind. The sensation of order and having some level of control always brings some peace.
Good luck!
Please, if you can, DO NOT place your mother in a Nursing Home. It is NOT the answer... you do not know how long she has left and, trust me on this one, you do not want to have any regrets when she is gone. Guilt is not an easy burden to carry. Our parents did not abandon us when we were kids. We should not cast them aside in a Nursing Home. In the end it is your decision.
The Care, love and sacrifices you have made for your mum will be rewarded back to you. I do not know your situation in detail.
Sometimes we spend more time focusing on the problem rather than the solutions. It’s all in the mindset. If you approach anything as a task, it becomes a heavy burden. A different approach might help. I am not an expert at this.
In my opinion, regardless of your mothers personality and character, you have to be the better person. I believe you are a great human being and you will be rewarded. This is your mum’s Karma. What you are doing now, will be yours. I admire you for your strength and courage to assume the responsibility. It’s not an easy journey. In the end, it’ll bring you peace, much joy and an abundance of happiness.
Before you make any life changing decisions, ask yourself this, “if my mum should expire today, will I have any regrets?” If it’s yes, then do whatever you have to now so when the time comes to ask that question again, your answer will be, NO.
All the best to you and your family.