I've followed the Forum for a while, in the hopes of finding people going through similar experiences to me in relation to my dad's care.
My dad is 87, has late stage vascular dementia, needs support for daily activities, but still enjoys company and is mobile. My brother lives with him, having never left home and is currently unemployed. He is in his early 50s and thinks he's doing a great job of looking after dad - I don't share his view. He shouts and swears at my dad, is rough when giving him personal care and leaves dad on his own while he sits on the iPad looking up the latest conspiracy theory and watching TV. He has punched holes in the walls due to "frustration" and I know my dad is frightened of him. Dad was recently hospitalized and found to be dehydrated (he's only given tea or coffee and my brother won't heed my advice that he needs water too). A condition of my dad's discharge was having twice a day care from professional carers - this is due to end in early April.
Dad doesn't know who my brother is - he doesn't recall having a son - and doesn't know why this "nasty" man is living in his home and shouting at him. Dad is challenging, getting up in the night to cook things and waking my brother at all hours. My brother has vascular problems of his own having had a number of strokes. I have told him that 24/7 care in a proper care environment would be best for dad and would give my brother his life back - he said there's no way that's happening.
What I haven't told you is that dad pays all the bills in the house (via long standing auto-payment arrangements) and my brother has never paid a household bill in his entire life. If my dad goes into a care environment, my brother will be left to pay the bills for the first time in his life. My brother is hiding behind 'family duty' but his ends are entirely selfish; he's a classic narcissist, but I suspect there are other mental health issues too. Yesterday my dad told me he'd be better off living in a ditch than with my brother.
My dad has no lasting power of attorney in place, so I've employed a lawyer and applied to the Court of Protection to make decisions for him, as he has no capacity to sort his own affairs. I am applying as sole deputy, as my brother's living situation is considered to be a 'conflict of interest' - which is a view put forward by professionals involved in my dad's care.
As a deputy I will be required by the court to ensure that the best arrangements are made for my dad, including where he lives and the care he receives. The house they live in has structural issues (the family home) is very unclean, with limited electricity and parts of the property are becoming unsafe for habitation.
My brother is also aggressive towards anyone who challenges him and a gun owner. When I moved a few years ago, I decided not to tell my brother where I live, because I don't want him turning up to do me harm, as I've always known he wouldn't be able to cope without my dad paying for the roof over his head.
Bringing dad to live with me is not an option - I work full time, as does my partner, so this isn't practical. Plus, I'd need to tell my brother my home address - not happening! Dad has sufficient funds to ensure a high level of care either in a home or in his own home.
My brother has effectively held my parents to ransom for years - my mother died over 10 years ago - and the main problem is my dad always prioritized my brother, even putting his 'needs' over that of my mother, even when she was very ill. So I have a conflict of my dad's care needs over trying to 'handle' my brother. It's not easy to see a frail, elderly man being treated like this but the fact it's my dad makes it a hundred times worse.
In your shoes, I would NOT sign on to be dad's anything, simply because you have no powers of enforcement and will be putting yourself in harm's way, via your brother.
I would see to it that the state (I don't know if you are the US, Canada, UK?) or whatever social service agency has jurisdiction takes over dad's care. They will be able to bring in mental health/law enforcement assets to deal with your brother and get him situated while getting your father to a safe and caring environment.
And it sounds like your dad is afraid of your brother, why else would he prioritized him over your mom?
One of two things MUST happen.
Dad needs to be removed from the situation. That happens 1 of 2 ways.
Brother leaves the property. This obviously will be problematic.
Dad is removed from the property. Residing in Memory Care would probably be the result.
Your "job" will be to see that your dad is taken care of, what happens to your brother is his own doing.
The removal of your brother will take a legal eviction and may take a while.
On the other hand moving your dad to Memory Care will result in the same thing unless your brother can 1) Purchase the house for Fair Market Value 2) maintain the property paying bills and doing maintenance. If he can not do that then the house is put on the market and sold.
Your "job" will also to make sure that dad's needs are taken care of and that there are funds to do so. Selling the house may be necessary to have the funds to do that.
You mention that dad has the funds to provide care in the home. Part of your "job" also is to be sure that dad is safe. Will he still have the funds if repairs to the house are necessary in order for him to remain there? That also means getting brother out of the house. And making sure that he can not return.
When you go to court PLEASE have the judge order an Officer (County or State Sheriff or Local Police) to accompany you when you go to the property for your safety as well as your dad's. Make sure that the court and the officers are aware that your brother owns guns.
Reading BarbBrooklyn's response she has given good advice in NOT taking this on for your own safety.
This is your decision you know your brother and how "aggressive" he can be. Is it remotely possible that he would turn to violence as this comes to a head? If so then for your own safety allow the State to step in and become your dad's Guardian.
I live in the US. My experience with social services/guardianship of a county in MN for my stepFIL is that they call all the shots, they will manage all his affairs and your brother, unless he is joint on accounts, will be locked out of any assets, including eventually the house. Once SS knows he has a gun, they may turn up with the police to remove your father very suddenly -- it all depends on what state and county but if they know he has a gun, they will act accordingly to protect your father. If your brother makes threats he will wind up in jail or the hospital, which may be the best thing for him as well.
My stepFIL had a rifle and a hand gun, and had Lewy Body dementia w/delusions and hallucinations and threatened to shoot us. SS asked we find and remove the items if at all possible. We found the rifle, but didn't find the handgun. They came and got him once the premises were as secure as we could make it. Because of his compromised physical condition (Parkinsons) and age (88) he was "less" of a threat.
If your brother's cognitive abilities are compromised by his strokes, it is possible for him to also be on APS's radar as a vulnerable adult once the guardian removes your dad and finances are blocked. At 50 and with no job, he could qualify for SSDI, section 8 housing, SNAP (food assistance) etc. Not sure the guardian will leave him the car if the title isn't in his name.
If you live in the same state as your dad, you could request the guardian place him close to where you live. Guardians are supposed to work in the best interests of their wards, so being close to safe and loving family members would be in your favor. They would never tell your brother where he went.
It will be a poop show for a while, then once your dad is resettled, he will be protected and cared for and receive any medical attention he requires. You will be welcomed to visit him and carry on as much or little of a relationship as you wish. You just won't be privy to any of his medical or financial affairs. Once he passes away, if he is cremated, the guardian will release his remains to you and then eventually will give a full financial accounting of where his funds were spent and any remaining assets. If you father has a Will, this will still be valid. Not sure about the probate thing as my stepFIL died owning nothing at all and was on Medicaid, but how his monthly SS check was spent was accounted for by the guardian in the final report.
Bless you for advocating for your defenseless father. It's too bad he didn't protect himself by assigning a DPoA and planning his financial future with an elder law/estate attorney. Lessons for all of us as we can never really know how things will go in the future. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey!
This is just my opinion.
Only you know the full picture: the whole reality.
1. Continue to be careful of your safety (against your brother).
2. Since your father can afford it, I would suggest in-home care (not a facility).
3. If you can, you can help move your father to a smaller home. Maybe that’s better. Sell the current home.
I really hope things go well for you and for your father.
I agree with Grandma1954, maybe this is what happened:
“it sounds like your dad is afraid of your brother, why else would he prioritize him over your mom?”
Very warm wishes to you in this very hard situation!!
Here I Am
If your brother is truly emotionally unbalanced and owns guns, it's best that you keep your contact with him minimal. But I don't see a particularly good outcome here unless you can assist with getting your brother assistance or housing in preparation for the time when your father is not around.
The problem in the UK at the moment is that the state will not step in to undertake someone's individual financial affairs, where there is no POA in place, except through the Court of Protection. That becomes very expensive for the person being cared for, and it's better value plus much easier if a relative or friend of that person applies to be their deputy.
I do very much take on board the advice on personal safety, but as the situation becomes ever more strained I am aware that a bad outcome could be the reality - I have briefed dad's neighbours about what to do if my brother kicks off and I raised the issues with social care recently. They responded by undertaking a safeguarding visit - with 2 social workers and armed police turning up at the property, to secure any firearms and to allow the social workers to do their job. I found this extremely reassuring and I know the property is red-flagged on the police database, should a situation arise that they need to respond to.
I will read back through everyone's answers and take on board the practical advice and tips. It's very good to know from Geaton777 that this situation isn't as uncommon as I thought. Certainly battling unreasonable siblings to get the right care for parents seems to be an ongoing theme on the AgingCare forum.
Best wishes to you all!
If he lacks insight to his own situation he may need a Social worker to assist him.
If he lacks of awareness (or acceptance) of his ability level of life skills (gaining & keeping a job, paying bills), he may be very resistive to such help. Mix that with his quick temper & potential for violence if not getting his own way & this could mean authorities are required.
Sometimes the pathway for dependant adults to get the pathway they need does include Police, involuntarily holds for a Psych eval first. Then diagnosis & treatment plan (if physical or mental health issues) or social help via that Social Worker service.
The current dangerous house of cards has to falls first. Then a new safer home for Dad can be found - plus a new living arrangement for Brother.
While the application is going on, is your father the subject of an adult safeguarding case with his local authority? - from your mentioning LPA and the Court of Protection, I assume you're in England, yes?
PS - Sorry, I only just saw your update. I'm glad to hear some of the basic steps have been taken, at least.
Daily welfare checks may be a possibility, depending on how your father's local social services manage these things. We workers turn up, see that all is well, have an informal chat (perhaps including a cup of tea or a visit to the bathroom) with the client, do our best not to antagonise the primary carer in question (or even ideally offer useful practical suggestions), document the visit and then go away again. I can't pretend I've always felt exactly welcome but I haven't yet met with active hostility, either. If you're already in touch with Adult Social Care and you'd like a series of friendly faces showing up at the house (that's all it is, really) it would be worth asking.
Have you been given any idea how long the application might take? - I imagine like everything else it's all hideously snarled up by Covid.
I do worry, as you worry, that your brother is a conspiracy theorist with rage issue and a gun. You say you worry as well. I would not attempt to deal with him without counsel present but I am not certain which attorney will want to risk his life dealing with a violent man in this day and age. I certainly would not. I would be afraid of becoming only another gun statistic.
A dreadful situation of which your Dad is a prisoner. I cannot imagine. I am so sorry.
Every so often we do have tragedies that reveal the police aren't quite as punctilious and cautious in enforcement as common sense might seem to require, but they are very rare. Unlicensed firearms in the hands of criminals are more of a problem.
There are programs in every state that can help financially. Even though you say he does not need it. Since your brother is caring for him, he could actually be paid for his time doing so and then could afford to help pay bills as well.
We have one here called IRIS. They can pay for caregivers to come in or they can pay for family that live in or come in as well. They will also provide funding for things he needs that are not covered by insurance.
Sounds like your brother is protecting his father! When you say the things your father has said ...that's the dementia talking! It does not mean it is true! If your brother would like some additional in home help to come in or to help fund things he needs. Then check out a program like IRIS to help.
the reason I recommend this is because if you get care in his home the caregivers will have to deal with Dad and the brother. I also feel like the stress probably affects your Dad.
If you place your Dad the home can be sold to help care for his care. Your brother will have to find his own way. Has anyone checked to make sure Dad hasn’t been take advantage of financially by your brother? Does he have an illness that doesn’t allow him to get a job and needs to rely on your Dad?