I hate feeling so guilty about not taking my mom on a trip. How do I tell her I'm going and what do I say when she insists on going?

You are not a horrible daughter. Go visit your daughter - mother her and be grandmother to your children. Take a break from your selfish mom. Just go and tell her when you get back - "I decided last minute when her DH had to travel"

Your mom is lucky to have you nearby, don't you think?

It sounds like she's doing her best to burn you out. She sounds quite selfish, which is not unusual in elders, especially in those who have some cognitive loss.

Your are a fully adult person with your own family. It is of the utmost importance that you set some limits on your mom, as she has lost her ability to empathize with your very normal need to have some private time, to yourself, with your daughter, whatever you deem needed.

" No, mom, I need some time to myself right now, need to recharge the batteries". Be reassuring, but firm. If she gets upset say you'll be back when she's feeling more like herself. Dont argue, don't ask her to be understanding.

If we didn't recharge our batteries once and a while we would never be able to do what we do. Leave mom in good hands with someone to check on her (if needed). You can still be available by phone as much as you want. You deserve a break. When you get back, take mom on a short outing, maybe to visit relatives she hasn't seen in a while. Recharge and come back revigorated.

Just the incontinence would keep me from taking her. Four hours could turn into 6 with rest stops. And trying to clean her up in a public rest area...sorry people I do not do well with bodily functions.😊

You need to get away. Even for a few days will make a difference. Tell Mom what you have said here, that the husband is away and you want some Mother daughter time with her. (Your daughter may appreciate not having Grandma because you two really don't get to visit catering to Mom.) If she insists, just say sorry Mom, not this time. I need to do something for ME. Leave it at that. Short and sweet like you would do for a child. If she gets mad, she gets mad. If she starts getting verbally abusive, say I'll see you later.

What I feel we owe our parents is to make sure they are safe and cared for. This does not need to be directly done by us. We do not owe them our lives. Did ur Mom give her life up for her parents?

I am saying go! But is there someone at the Independent living who can look in on Mom? From what you have posted, I think Mom is ready for the next faze, an Assisted Living.

No! You do not sound horrible and selfish.

You are an adult and can do whatever you want. You are allowed to have relationships outside of your mother. You do not need to tell her about this trip. If you are so afraid to tell her you have gone, when she calls tell her you are sick and will be home bound for a few days. If that is what it takes, I have no problem with a little white lie. Do not tell her about this trip if it will cause hard feelings.

I feel the same way about taking my father any place. It is too much work. Maybe that makes me sound bad but that is it....it is too much work! Please please please go on this trip and have fun!!!

Suz,

First of all, you're not a horrible daughter! Your mom has conditioned you to believe you are (horrible) if you don't respond to her every whim; you know, like the organ grinder's monkey. (Here Jocko, you get a pretzel if you dance a jig), the pretzel being (in our case) approval or absence of punishment.

Do a search on boundaries at this site. You will find a lot of good advice. Healthy boundaries are a concept I wasn't brought up with. My mom convinced me I was an extension of herself; that I was expected to subjugate my wants and needs to hers. Otherwise approval was withheld. Love wasn't part of the equation. There wasn't any. So I evolved into a non-person who didn't know who she was or what she wanted. I wasted decades of my life trying to squeeze love and approval from a turnip. What a waste. And how hard to not be bitter.

Establishing boundaries and keeping them isn't an overnight transformation. It takes a lot of mindful practice until finally it becomes second nature. Healthy boundaries don't mean selfishness. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of self-esteem, which is something you deserve. Best of luck to you on your journey!!!

You can fool yourself into doing this comparatively easily, you know.

1. Plan the journey.
2. Pack what you'll need.
3. Visualise yourself arriving at your daughter's house and enjoying your few days there, alone. Keep your mother out of the picture.

This is the prize to focus on. You are going to take a break for a few days and not even think about your mother.

Now, then. Telling your mother.

You don't actually *have* to tell her, when it comes down to it. You could just leave your emergency contact details with the facility managers and tell them when you'll be back. But this would not be normally considerate, and it would be better to treat your mother with standard courtesy.

So... When you visit your mother tomorrow you tell her that your son in law is going to be away for work and you have been asked to help with the children. When your mother says that she must come and put her shoulder to the wheel, too, you reply "that's quite impossible, I'm afraid." You do not explain, you do not apologise. It might be helpful to Google wall or rock techniques for this conversation, too - 1001 ways of saying no without offering points for comeback.

For example, if you say "there'll be too much work to do" your mother will argue that she can help. And you don't need to give her reasons.

If you say "I want some one-to-one time with Daughter" you'll get a stream of consciousness about how selfish you are and how much more important grandmothers are. And this whole exercise is not about your mother and, to be blunt, is not her business. What's to discuss?

So you keep saying no, presenting it as a matter of course and not a subject for discussion. As I say, have a look on Google and see what methods suit your personal style.

When it comes to the actual crunch, you avoid taking her by not going to see her once you set off on Monday. If your car isn't outside the ILF, after all, she can't get into it, can she? This is why the detailed journey plan is so crucial: you fix your eyes on your route and you do not deviate from it.

Ditto, the packing. Your packing list does not include the items your mother would need, which I imagine would be quite a bundle. Instead, while you pack your case, take a moment to enjoy the luxury of thinking only about what you'll want to wear, and what toiletries you prefer for a treat.

Finally. The more unshakeable you are on this occasion, the better the effect it will have on your ongoing relationship with your mother. Your making a free choice will be a shock for her, naturally; but it won't do her any harm. The opposite, in fact; because after this you'll be doing nice things for her because you want to, and not because you're afraid of her bullying you.

Don't be afraid. You're going to have a great week, and your mother is going to be fine. This is a GOOD idea.

No, you’re not a horrible daughter....you’re trying to be a good mother. As our kids become adults, and we add the grandma hat, it becomes even more important to only wear one hat at a time. Trust me.....our kids will call us on not being totally present for them because we’re letting Grandma yank the marionette strings.

One tip thats helped me is to think about what’s “reasonable.” It’s reasonable for a mother and daughter to spend time alone to nurture their important relationship. It’s reasonable for your daughter to have time with you totally present in the moment. It’s reasonable for you to take a vacation or go on an outing with just your husband. Conversely, it is not reasonable a mother to expect to be included in every event or outing.

And remind yourself that a person trying to guilt you is purposely trying to make you feel bad to get you to do as they wish. This isn’t what we do to those we love...it’s emotional abuse.

CM is right..use short, declarative sentences. “No, that’s not possible” has worked well for me. Have fun and enjoy every precious moment.

All of you are so wonderful! Thank you for validating my idea that it's my right to go without my mom. I don't think I can lie to her about going; I'm not a good liar to start with, and I feel that she needs to accept that I'm going and get over it.

My mom lived 100 miles away from her mother and was not the primary caregiver in later years; a sibling was, although my mom would go when she could. She was very close to her mother. Not having siblings has made me realize this is going to be a long journey with my mom's care. I'm not sure she's ready for assisted living yet, but I feel it will be sooner than later. She's pretty self-sufficient for her hygiene and she receives meals where they live. She rides the facility bus to the store. But, I feel she is declining cognitively and she is emotionally co-dependent on me, which makes me want to run for the hills, to be honest.

There are some factors that would make it not possible for her to go with me: there's literally nowhere for her to sleep other than a couch, with car seats for 2 kids there's only room for 4 in my daughter's car, and my daughter's house is not handicap accessible for toileting or bathing which means I would be helping with all of that. I know I'm talking myself into good reasons for her not to go, but you all have really given the real reason: it's ok to be my own person!

I will look up the info on boundaries; that sounds interesting and like something I could use with her.

I'm excited about going on my own!!! God bless y'all for being so kind and helpful.

The book is by Cloud and Townsend. It's called Boundaries and written from a Christian perspective.

OP - nah you're not bad daughter AT ALL.

I get it with my Dad. Its as if every single thing I do I need his permission for. In the past he has said to me "yes you go, it'll be good for you to have a rest". What? I didnt ask your permission.....

Also, I remember one time I went to visit an old friend who was dying from cancer. 5 miles from my Dad. He went nuts because I didnt go and see him as well - it was almost as if theres a 10 mile circle around his house and if I go in I've got to visit him! At the time it was after work, I didnt have much time, had to get home to collect daughter etc. BUT it was all about him.

Honestly, OP as CM said, dont tell her if you can.

Go, have a great time with your daughter and grandchildren. As you stated if mom comes with you will not have any real quality time with your family. She is in IL so it's not like she will be alone at home. Her needs will be taken care of and you will have a much needed break away. You are so NOT a bad daughter, you give her much time and patience. I agree that as her mental health begins to decline they become more self centered and demanding, manipulating you to do what she wants when she wants how she wants. I know because MIL lives with us and if it's not all about her, it's about he son. Some silly demands, some downright outrageous. She will pout, get mad, call one of her daughters to complain I wouldn't do xy or z, etc. Sometimes you have to let it roll off your back, not easy to do. You need "alone" time for YOU. Not just physically but also for your mental wellbeing. Took a trip to see my daughter and grandson 3.5 hrs driving 1 way, she manipulated husband to make sure she went too, I had very little time to spend with them taking care of her, so no, not this time mom, maybe we can plan a trip for in the future where they can meet us at a half way point so we can all spend the day together. Be prepared for pushback, whining, tears either fake or real, what I fondly call the pucker face, pouting, and verbal complaining. DON'T fall for it. Take pictures of the grandkids and share with her when you get back. Don't know how old the children are, have them draw a picture for great grandmother, it'll also give you a little bit of one on one with your daughter while they are occupied. It may also help with her ruffled feathers to know she was still being thought of. Do not answer your phone every time she calls during your visit set parameters I'll talk to you in the morning or I'll talk to you tonight. I guarantee she will attempt to call a bazillion times a day so she can tell you that if she would've come with she wouldn't have to bother you so much. I had 6 calls and 8 texts while sitting in the dentist's chair then got attitude because I didn't answer. Got told she wouldn't need to call to see what was going on if she was with me. So don't just go, RUN!

Wow! Up until the 3 kids and 6 grandkids part, I thought I had written this! I had made the mistake, when my kids were younger, of taking Mom with us on short vacations. We shared expenses and I did all the driving, made the reservations, bought and packed provisions, and planned the activities. It worked out okay for a few years. The last time I brought her was the year before she went into assisted living. She would lie in bed all morning when we wanted to eat breakfast and go do something. She wet her pants every day, requiring the sink in our rental cottage to be holding her urine soaked shorts and underwear too often. She complained if the kids watched TV at night. She complained about what we made for meals. She complained the kids used too many towels. She didn't like all the walking. I had to fetch and carry for her constantly. It was NOT a vacation for me and the kids and, judging by all her whining and complaining, I could only believe it wasn't much fun for her either. The following year, I vowed not to take her and I didn't. The kids and I had a good time and it was very relaxing. I caught hell from my mother about it before and after we went. One of the most repeated lines was "I don't suppose anyone gave any thought to the fact that I might need a vacation." After the fifth time I heard it, I lost it. I reminded her that I was the one working 40+ hours a week, raising 2 kids and a dog alone and taking care of her, the house, 2 cars, and all the yard work and yes, I was selfish enough to feel I needed a break. There was still some grumbling, but not nearly as loud as it had been.

Go visit your daughter without your mother. You and your daughter deserve some time together without the stress of having to take care of her. Don't feel guilty about it. You certainly have the right to spend one on one time with your children.

Ooh, sounds exciting and fun and restful! I agree with those here in the community who are saying NO you are not a horrible daughter; YES you should go and have a good time and YES you are entitled to go without guilt.

But I would add this: Prepare yourself for the battle, since you have said you feel you can't go without telling her first or lying about it. My advice is to give your mom the least possible amount of time to wear you down, change your mind or otherwise make you feel guilty or miserable. So don't tell her until the last possible moment before you go. Pick the battleground, in other words.

Second, keep it low key. And don't ask her, tell her. You don't need her permission, so don't say, I'm going abc and you can't come because xyz, OKAY?" Because it won't be okay with her and an argument will ensue that you can't win. Just tell her, "This is what I'm doing and this is when I'm leaving and I'll see you in two weeks (or whenever), and I'll call you when I get there (or not!), and I love you, Mom, good-bye!"

Then LEAVE. Walk out the door. This is what normal people do when they go on vacation. They say goodbye and they walk out the door. So do that.

Will she cry and beg and plead? Maybe. Probably. Maybe she will throw a tantrum. Say, Sorry Mom I gotta go. LEAVE. Let her fuss. She will stop when there is no one to listen. But if you DON'T leave, it will go on as long as you stand there and engage with her.

If you are really worried about her, you might alert one of her neighbors or a staff member ahead of time so they can come in and sit with her after you leave. But LEAVE!!!
Good luck and enjoy yourself! 😀

that was my life for 13 years, every vacation with my mom was a worry worry worry for her, not to fall, checking blood pressure, keep a constant eye on her....If you have a strength do not take your mom, dont do it, my mom for example never took her mom to her vacations....Live for yourself, I did not do it and now I am kind of in regret...Dont feel being a horrible daughter, just live a little bit of your life.

Years ago husband, kids and I took Mom with us on one of those 3-city European whirlwind vacations. I invited her because I thought she'd enjoy it. I mean, what mother wouldn't be thrilled to be included on daughter and family's European tour? Well, think again. My mom is the Queen of Malcontent. Nothing or nobody is ever "good enough." Least of all, me. But that's another story.

Anyway, she spent the entire 10 days in Europe instructing the entire family on proper continental conduct, etc, which really got on all of our nerves. I mean, sure, we were Americans in Europe, but we didn't need Mom's nonstop criticism on how we were standing on the wrong side of the escalator, etc. (We weren't). Throughout I'm confident we conducted ourselves with proper manners and decorum. On the way home Mom says, "Well, I'm disappointed. It just didn't meet my expectations."

I didn't respond other than to say I was sorry for her disappointment, but I vowed from that point on, I wouldn't include mom on any more long-distance excursions. And we didn't! Ten years later she took me to task over this, saying "Well, I'll have you know I'd like to have been included more with some of the things your family has done!" As I recall, I set her straight. Don't remember exactly what I said, but I suppose it was a real turning point for me, recognizing what a total ingrate Mom was and how lofty her expectations were.

Your mom shouldn't expect to go with you on every vacation. Period. And if she pouts, she can get glad the same way she got mad.

Hey Everyone!!

Well, I called her Sunday night at 9:30 p.m. and let her know I was going Monday morning, and incredibly enough, she didn't give me one bit of trouble. She didn't ask to go, she didn't whine, she didn't have a pity party..nothing. She said have a great time and be careful!!!! I high-tailed it out of town this morning!! Lol! So around 2 hours after I left, I get a call from where she lives that she's being taken to the hospital by ambulance with left-sided weakness and now she's being admitted for observation. I started to turn around and then Mom called me and said she couldn't grab anything with her hand and her left arm was weak. She also said to keep going and don't come home, that she was feeling fine and she just wanted to get it checked out. No guilt trip, no pitiful voice..nothing. I kept going and am at my daughter's house now, having a great time. I've been in touch with mom and so far all tests are negative for stroke. My husband checked in on her and my best friend did, too. So here I sit, eating my words for a bedtime snack, lol. Thank you for all of your encouragement. I think she did great this time, but I know this is subject to change in a moment's notice. You all really helped me decide to go and I appreciate it greatly.

God bless!

Hi Suz,

I could write a post similar to yours as our situations are a lot alike. The short answer is NO, you’re not selfish!!!
Everyone needs time alone and away to reflect and relax and regenerate.
Make sure your Mother’s needs are taken care of before you go and possibly arrange for a friend to stop by to visit while you’re away or even buy her a stack of magazines to look at to occupy her time. Tell her you’ll check in w her every day giving her the opportunity to speak w your daughter and the grandkids too.
Establish gentle boundaries right now, otherwise you will miss out on opportunities for yourself in your life.
Go and have fun, those precious grand babies grow up so fast and time alone w your daughter is priceless!!!

I am so glad you went. You do know that little trip to the hospital was to make you feel bad for going without her. But you also got to see that even if there was a problem the world did not end because you did something for yourself.

Everyone has already assured you that you need to protect yourself from burnout and the neediness of mom and to go. Right on! Caregiving fatigue is a real thing and it will get harder over time. So establishing boundaries now is excellent step in self preservation and admitting you are worth it and independent of her. She doesn’t get to call the shots and she needs to learn to find friends and activities where she lives. The more you are around, the less likely she will do that. So by leaving you are giving her the space to be more independent. You aren’t responsible for your mom loving every decision you make. Now I would tell staff you are out of town in case of an emergency only. Personally there is no reason for her to call and bother you. When I left on vacation I would block my dad's phone number so I couldn’t get ridiculous accusing calls to spoil my peace of mind. I knew if there was an emergency the facility would call me. Your mom can call your husband. That’s what a spouse is there for. Go and have fun and please tell us how it was!

You’re not a horrible daughter. You SHOULD have a life outside of your mother. It would be super unhealthy if you didn’t. Not only do YOU need that alone time with your daughter and grandkids, they need it with you too!!

Didn’t you take time for yourself when your kids were small? Did you take them every single place you went? Of course you didn’t. It would’ve been super unhealthy for you to. This is the same. Only it’s your mom. Not selfish at all. Very necessary in fact.

Can you tell your mom you have a work obligation? I never understand why people feel obligated to explain or tell they’re parents where they’re going. My mom is 71 and also has the same expectations to do things with me when my kids are visiting and when I visit my kids she expects to be included but it’s an expectation of HERS not an obligation of MINE. same applies to your mom. She’s allowed to have an expectation but you’re not required to meet them. Esp things that are crossing your BOUNDARIES.

Listen, boundaries are a beautiful thing and they’re highly necessary IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP. We always can tell when someone has crossed into them because it feels yucky and when that happens too many times, the other side is bitterness and resentment. Be kind to yourself and your feelings as you are to your mom. You don’t need her permission to do so either :)

No, Not at all, You are in fact, An Angel. Don't be an Enabler for Mom to have to Constantly Feel the Deal is for you to be there at every Beckoning Call and All. Contact the Facility over There who is in Charge of this Care, Let them Know where you are, Leave them your Number, And then just tell Mom you are Not feeling well and for a few days you are staying Home to Rest and even Call her when at Best.

Suz, you are an admirable daughter. Yes, you are entitled to a life that does not always include your mother. You say she will insist, so be it. You still have rightful power over your own life and choices. Her thoughts and feelings do not have to be your truth. Tell her honestly you want a vacation, alone. She may try to guilt you, saying things like, "oh, am I a burden on you? " or she may try to refer to all the years she raised and took care of you. This is where tough love comes in. She will survive while you are away, but she'll use the same manipulative ploys on you whether you go or stay. However, if you cave, you will feel resentful and that will compound the problem that already exists, which is that she treats you badly at times and always has, apparently. So, go! Have a great time and live with guilt later if you must!

Make plans to have someone check on your mother and go visit your daughter and grandchildren. No one has the right to have their way all the time. It’s called life. Your mother will get over it.
Have fun and don’t look back. 😇

That's really tough. Off the top of my head, I would suggest some sort of compromise. Spend a day or two with your daughter by yourself and then find some way to take your mother to see her or do something else equally rewarding. I'm very strong believer in "balance" and finding solutions that create balance in all directions. Again, this isn't an easy problem to solve.

I know how you are feeling, and will share what I tell my Mom (and sister, for that matter). And I feel it with utter conviction: you, Mom, have me day in and day out but I have other people whom I love and who love me. I need time with them, for their sake and for mine. The way you want to be with me, well so do they need me to be with them. If I were around them all the time, I would drop everything to come see you. So now it is reversed.

I have traveled with my Mom alot over the years, and so I do have that to tap. When I take her with me, it changes my enjoyment but I am doing it for her. My kids love her alot, also, so I am reinforcing their long distance relationship. But I crave solo time with my children, and it is hard to come by. You not only deserve that, you require it -- so just be honest with Mom, and I think in her heart she will relinquish her selfish side and want what is good for you. If she does not easily let you go, go KNOWING that your children need you too, and have not had you as long as your Mom has had you around! So in terms of time-giving, fair is fair!

Go by yourself and enjoy the trip! Mom is taken care of. Wouldn’t it be nice not to be the endentured servant for a few days of enjoying your daughter and your grandchildren? You will come away with renewed spirit for life and maybe you will make more trips when you need to get away! Go and don’t feel guilty!

It took me 5 years of counseling when I was in my 30's to finally realize and accept that I was allowed to live my own life, come and go as I pleased, etc. without including my mother in everything I did. My father was not a nice person, and during that time he was running around on my mother, doing his own thing and leaving her behind. She turned to me for her happiness, and initially it was ok because I traveled a lot for my job and really didn't have too many friends (most were married and having children already) or outside activities since I couldn't commit to anything because I wasn't home. So I DID spend a lot of time with my mom on the weekends, and even going on vacation with her. Then I quit traveling with my job, got involved in some clubs (Jaycees, ski clubs, etc.), got a boyfriend and started to do things separate from my mom (I still saw her frequently, but instead of planning vacations around her abilities, I started going on trips with my ski club and boyfriend, around OUR abilities.) Boy, did I face the wrath of mom! First anger, then the guilt trips...."Oh, I guess I'll just stay home by myself again..." I got into counseling somewhere in the midst of all this, not FOR this, but ultimately this all came out and was discussed. My counselor reinforced that I was a healthy 30-something woman and had a right to live my own life. I did not need permission from my parents to do the things I chose to do, and I was also not responsible for THEIR happiness. So, I continued down my guilt-ridden road doing my own thing, and guess what? Mom went out and made some friends, joined some of her own clubs (Women's Club, Women of the Moose, etc.) and even found a group of neighbors to take bus and other trips with! She eventually took on leadership roles in all of the clubs she joined, basically up until just a few years ago. Suddenly she was happy in her own life (yes, dad was still around and doing his own thing) and I was happy in mine! In recent years, mom's health has declined significantly and she is no longer able to do all those things she was doing, so she, once again, became more dependent on me, esp. after dad passed. While the "need" now is much different than it was 20 years ago, and I had gone back to spending more time with her and doing things for her now, I still remember my counselor's words and go about doing things for myself as I need to. And whenever she pulls some of the guilt strings, or throws a pity party for herself because my husband and I are going on vacation without her, etc., I try to remember those counseling sessions. Just because it is 20 years later doesn't mean the rules have changed. I'm still an adult and allowed to live my own life. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. She lived her life her way and the fact she can't continue on the way she did now at 86 is just a part of life, and she has to accept that and has no right to take my life away from me. I'll be lucky if I make it to 86! So just because your mom is older doesn't mean the rules have changed and suddenly you can't have time by yourself with your own family. As long as she isn't left in a dangerous situation, you need to keep moving forward with your life and not putting it on hold for your mom. If you let her pull the strings, she will and she won't ever voluntarily give up that power! But if you move forward, she WILL learn to accept the situation....or not....but you are not responsible for making her happy or making her accept the situation. That is on her to do. Enjoy your trip - guilt-free!

Don't you dare take your mother with you. Just go.

Speaking from experience here...sometimes, our dependent parent needs to hear and understand (as best they can or are willing to) that their care IS a burden. I know, it feels selfish (they raised me, sacrificed for me, etc). But, you ARE caring and sacrificing for her, and you are also allowed to set boundaries and enjoy your own life.

Think of it this way, if everyday, when you sat down to eat, I grabbed your lunch and ate it myself. You never said a word about it, simply made yourself a new sandwich. Who's to blame there? Both of us. Me, for being rude, though, if my brain is starting to fail, you're going to have to make allowances for my judgement. And you, who never says a word!

Tell your mom, "I'm going out to visit ______ for a couple of days. I'm so excited to spend time with the kids." IF, your mom says "take me," say "I wish I could. We'll be running around the entire time and I just can't." Answer EVERY objection she voices from there on out with, "Oh, Mom, I soooo wish I could. We have a lot of fun ALL THE OTHER TIMES I'VE TAKEN YOU WITH ME. But, this time it just won't work." Don't get into a discussion. Keep repeating, "I'm sorry, I just can't." Even if she piles on guilt-trip language (Oh, am I so much trouble that you can't bring me. Don't you love me? They don't want to see me? It may be their last chance.) BE STRONG. You are a wonderful and devoted daughter and you need to treat yourself as such. Your mom is in taking mode and it's up to you to put boundaries on it.