While cleaning out my mother's home, after she went to Assisted Living, I found both my grandfather and grandmother's Wills. My grandfather left me his car and my grandmother left me $2,000, neither of which I received years ago. I feel so hurt and betrayed that my mother would be so greedy as to keep this. She was always a bit shady and secretive. Now she has dementia. How do I get closure for such horrible behavior from my mother?
There may have been another will. Ask mom without being accusatory. A year in some cases is not enough to sort through it all.
My mom passed 2.5 years ago, it looks like we may be near the end.
Its unfortunate you never received the car or the money, but I’m sure it was heartwarming to know that you were thought of, and they wanted you to have something.
Not trying to give your mother a pass, however at this point given the fact she has Dementia I see no upside in confronting her.
Some things just can't be fixed. This is one. You can only speculate about what happened and that is not healthy for you.
I recommend just letting it go and know that your grandparents did remember you and wanted to give you something to help you. Let their love be what matters, not what you think your demented mom did. She will never be able to tell you anything you will trust from her past behavior and current diagnosis, let it go. Honestly this journey is hard enough without something like this beating you up.
I know it absolutely sucks, I really do understand the betrayal that you feel, I bet it is just another thing with your mom. For yourself, let it go.
We each rec'd 2K, she kept the rest. She only did that because many of us knew what the will stated.
Everyone in the family except me and my brother stopped talking to her, that was 35 years ago, she still is an outcast. 8 years ago I stopped talking to her too, I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.
This is not uncommon, selfish people do selfish things. Let it go nothing will be accomplished by carrying this with you.
But over time, they could have done a codicil (update) to the will. The old will still exists but is not valid. It’s a memento.
Car costing $ to keep up & sold off, so not an asset anymore.
$ spent down to cover their costs of living, so not an asset anymore.
Or when they died, whomever was named executor in the will or the codicil needed to liquidate assets to settle their estate.
I’ve been an Executor 3 times with 2 out of 3 doing a codicil. It’s pretty common especially if it’s a married couple and 1 predeceases the other who is younger or lots more healthy. Or there’s a big change in family dynamics or deaths of heirs.
Think of will as a memento & that they envisioned you driving out of their driveway in that car waving bye to them. And this made them happy!
If mom has dementia, does she have a guardian or POA? I would discuss financial matters with that person. If all her money is going to end up with the government, I would at least access the situation.
HOWEVER, when a person shows you their nature, believe them. You can't change their behavior, but you can change your own. I have the feeling this is not the first time you felt slighted by your mother. You can't change her, but you can change the way you act toward her. You can not go visit, you can not send money. You can not take care of her, even with sibling pressure. You can not talk to her on the phone. You can just pretend she's already gone.
There are lots of people who go no contact so they don't have more psychological damage from a parent. If this is the last straw, so be it. If you separate from her, then you can leave this behind and enjoy your life without her.
How advanced is your mother's dementia? - is another. Depending on whether your mother is still capable of holding a standard conversation, I think I would take the wills to her, give her a chance to read the relevant bits, and gently ask if she can explain.
Greedy is something of a prejudicial term, by the way. I wouldn't jump to "greedy." There are all sorts of other traits and circumstances that could have led to your mother not passing on these bequests as, on the face of it, she ought to have done. The wills could have been made long before your grandparents' deaths, so that your grandfather's car was a pile of rust (or sold to pay for something else) and your grandmother had already spent all of her money and more. Your mother could have been under pressure - paying your college fees, perhaps, or a sibling's college fees, or anyway for child-related reasons. She might have formed best intentions but never got round to it. There could have been 1001 reasons. The idea that she thought "tee hee hee nuts to Daughter!" and sold your car and spent your cash on facials and chocolates is probably among the least likely scenarios.
Anyway - if she can answer, even simply, ask her. If not... thank your grandparents for the thought and shrug. It's just too late, is all.
My grandmother died when I was 16 in 1982, I was to receive her jewelry and my brother some cash. I have no idea if my brother got the cash, but Dad has kept all but three pieces of her jewelry in his safety deposit box.
It is not valuable in the grand scheme of things, but it is mine and I have not been able to enjoy it these last 38 years.
You know your mother has acted shady in the past, there is no real way to fix this now. So how do you "get over it"? Would counseling help?
It is important to make sure Wills are updated, but that is challenging in the face of quickly declining health or multiple moves for seniors. Mum did a new Will about 4 years ago. Since then my step Dad has died, one of her step daughters has died and she now has a great grandson. All in the last 15 months.
When my Dad died, mom didn’t even have the will probated until 9 years later. If you can’t probate a will yourself & have to hire an attorney, it’s not cheap. Do you know all the business details of your grandparents’ deaths? There very well could be honest explanations for you not getting a car and $2000.
She WANTED me to read her will, for years, so one day, waiting for her to come home I pulled the thing out and went through it. Pretty standard stuff, she has nothing of value.
But on a sheet of paper, not notarized, dated and just signed by my dad is a statement "B owes trust $1500". No reason why, just that. I called my son who is an attorney and asked him what this was. He called it a 'posthumous FU' and to ignore it unless it had been witnessed and notarized as a codicil to the actual will.
I finally figured out my parents were dinging me for the $1500 my braces cost them 50 years ago. Lovely. I asked YB who is executor to whom should I make the check out and he laughed his head off. Turns out the brother she LIVES with and who is basically her slave, also 'owes the trust' $6000. He doesn't know, YB took the paper and destroyed it and we had a good laugh.
I will just be content if my mother doesn't leave us with debts. I know there's supposedly a life insurance policy, but she very well may have cashed that out. At it's peak I would have inherited $9,875.28.
I expect nothing and won't be surprised when I actually have to pay for some stuff after she dies.
Our parents should not be looked upon as a source of income. What you experienced happens all the time. I'm sorry for you, that was kind of rotten on mom's part not to tell you.
So, SadExecutor, I'm sorry you had to find this out. I can only agree with CeCe 55's post. Give yourself as much self-care and love as you can. (I"m taking classes on it now!) I wish you peace.
My mother was queen of narcs. I’ll never forget my beloved Nano’s last years. My selfish mother wouldn’t help her even mow the yard, moved my bipolar sister into Nano’s upstairs apartment, figuring sister with two toddlers would care for my Nano. I had three little ones myself. When I expressed concern to my mother, I was told no way did my Nano get to spend her hard earned savings on a nursing home, because that was my mother’s inheritance. Satan’s right hand. I was forbidden to visit my Nano, lest I tell her what my mother was up to. Mother did end up inheriting a boatload of money. I was broken hearted.
When I was a young teen, my mother got pregnant by one of her male friends, married him for less than six months, to get Child support out of him. When the half brother went to college, the father continued support payments voluntarily, though he had no contact, wanting to do right by his child. He did not know he was funding my Narc mother’s fun money, as my brother never saw a penny go towards his tuition, books, nothing. My brother ended up sleeping on my screened porch in Summer. And he was one of two of the favored fair haired children. You can imagine how the family scapegoat, moi, was treated.
Fast forward,, my mother passed away, shortly after her third husband. She did leave a small amount of money, surprisingly, to me. Probably to prevent me challenging the will. My siblings waited to notify me until after they all met at the house and cleaned out everything. I received not so much as a photo. They took the car, truck, two large, expensive boats, gun collection, and on and on. With all their children there, they had a good ole scapegoat fest, making sure all my nieces and nephews were trained in the art. They were all whining about having to share the crumbs with me. It got back to me, through one niece. That was the day I shut the door to my birth family. My life is much more peaceful now.
Until you know, treasure your grandparents’ kindness for wanting to gift you an inheritance. We can’t change our family narcs, but we can take the good and leave the bad.
Depending on how much care your grandparents needed, it is likely there could have been no money to divide with heirs and any assets were sold to pay any expenses they may have incurred in order to settle their estates.
I learned when I had to move home(2.5 years ago) to care for my dad (who now has dementia) that in my college days ( n80s)he received over $500 per month for me from the VA and never told me, he gave me about 100 per month, anything more required a big conversation.
He paid for my wedding and that was fabulous but I had to buy many of my own items when he should have had it plus some.
He has dementia now so we cannot have a meaningful conversstion or change it!
It still comes to my mind sometimes but there is nothing he can say or do now that will change it even if he did not have dementia.
I still have to be his full-time caretaker with no more than 3-4 hours per day alone time.
Mom has also changed her mind many times about who is to get X-the car, the house, jewelry. None of this was specifically in the will before. Although mom kept telling me now she wanted so and so to get X. I stopped keeping track-it was making me nuts. Lawyer said changes have to be written in the will for it to be legal and executed. But new will now says the two children of sibling are to get a very nice check, the neighbor, housekeeper and yard guy are also now included in the will. My children are not mentioned at all-while knowing that my parents have also contributed financially to support lazy sibling life style and now saying he is to get the house too, our parents have paid towards several of his houses, kids weddings, college, cars, and who knows what else for this sibling and 2 children. I am the one who does the most for parents-driving to appointments, sitting in the ER/hospital, picking up RX, every week for the last few years. Brother can't even come over-lives about 2 miles away and shovel the snow or rake leaves for parents ever.
Now, I am focusing my time and energy on helping my sister with dementia. I have already said my "good bye" to my formerly normal parents. I do what I can when I can for them and that is all.
When I discovered the modified will, I was shocked to say the least. I have already mourned the loss of my "formerly normal" parents. Due to my dad has parkinson's and my mother has gotten even weirder than she already was-very selfish and even wanting to get the inheritance of a disabled cousin who lives in a group home. My mother has all but forgotten about her daughter-my sister with dementia-does not ask to see her or send cards to her or anything. Greedy sibling has not spoken to sister in about 15 years. So he is not at all involved in any way-never will be unless he thinks he would get something from her-cash etc-I am sure he will be asking about this when she passes.
Unless you were really involved in the care of your grandparents and how things went down financially towards the end of their lives, I wouldn't assume that your mom kept your inheritance from you.
Cars do get old and breakdown. We have a 25 year old car... and it is running its last few miles. The older the car, the less it is worth unless granddad/grandmom were car enthusiasts and really took great care of their "classics."
You can't beat a dead horse - and your mother won't own up to it now. Be thankful of your other blessings.