I feel like I hate being at my own home. Any advice?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, my condolences. You're not an 'awful daughter' for feeling frustrated with your mother. Two women living in the same house tends to be a difficult situation; I saw it all the time growing up with my mother & her mother who lived with us. All they did was fight & argue, actually.

You really need to set down some boundaries & rules with your mother and one of them maybe should be that she should stay with her son for 6 months of the year. Not open for discussion if she'd like to continue living with you, you need some R&R too. If you do get a needed break for half a year, you're more likely to have lots more patience and interest in spending time with her when she does come back. She's 79, according to your profile, which means she can live another 20 years. You have to come up with a plan NOW, or you face 2 more decades of YOUR life & marriage being damaged by the constant presence of your mother. I know I couldn't do it, so talk to your husband and see what he thinks.

Your mother is still relatively young and can easily go live in a senior apartment building and interact with people her own age if she'd prefer, that's another option. Living with just you is not the ONLY option available, so don't be hoodwinked into thinking so, b/c she's not 'interested' in going to stay with her son for half the year. Sorry not sorry, but here's the way things need to be, mom.

Her insisting on having things done for her immediately is not realistic either, because you're not at her beck and call & have other responsibilities in life besides seeing to her every need. She needs to come to grips with that fact or explore other living arrangements, in my opinion. If she's driving you insane now, think how it'll be in a year from now, 2, 3, 5 and so on. Same with her bad hearing which will only get worse. Make an appointment for her with an ENT and have the doc explain her options. Several years ago my mother had a huge plug of wax in her ear which was making her hearing even worse than usual. So when the ENT removed it, we had a few months of improved hearing and less yelling needed on my part to be heard.

Yes, things could be 'worse' but things could be better, too. See to it that you make them better! Otherwise, the resentment will continue to build and it can destroy your relationship. Knowing that you can 'lose' her at any time doesn't help with daily resentment and having no rules or boundaries set down. You owe it to both of you to do that.......just like we did with our kids.

Good luck!

Time to rethink the whole plan - so it suits everyone in it - not just Mother.

Is she able to care for herself independently? If so, great.

If not, what are your plans if you & your DH took a month holiday?

Would she then HAVE to accept staying at your brother's? If yes. Think about this. She is most familiar & comfortable with your home so refuses to move. You can understand that. But can you also see that is unreasonable?

It's not all about want she *wants* but what she actually *needs*.

What does she need? She may need people to live with, provide company/entertainment, help her with her daily living, pay bills etc. But it would be unreasonable to expect this is all provided by you, at the expense of your own life. Many elders start to need a village to support them. You are currently a village of ONE.

Assemble a village for her. Start with your brother (if possible). Respite at his place for a month, or two. Use paid residential respite services if brother option doesn't work out.

The risk of burnout as a sole caregiver is very real.

Walker, I just read your profile. You are providing daycare to your grandchild AND acting as caregiver to your mom?

If your mom was truly self-sufficient, she wouldn't meet you at the door with what needs "doing", would she? She'd make a note to herself to ask you later. So either she has lost her ability to see YOUR needs in the scheme of things, or she never had that to begin with and has always lacked empathy.

I think you are going to figure out which of these jobs you want to do, draw some boundaries and go from there.

There is a great book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. I recommend it highly.

If she is self sufficient what is she asking you to do for her?
Maybe she was used to depending on Dad doing for her. Its been a year maybe time, like suggested, to set boundries. You do not want to disable her with things she can do for herself. You may want to sit down and say "Mom, you know I am now watching an infant. Its not like when I raised my own, I tire easier. When I get home I need to chill out. Such and such you are perfectly able to do for yourself. And the other such and such I can do later. Maybe would be better, if she can afford it, Mom goes to to live in an independent living community. She would have activities, outings and make friends. Maybe her problem is she is home all day alone and is glad when u come home.

You’ve experienced mean behavior from your mom starting from your earliest memories. Of course it would bother you to the core. It’s normal and expected. Especially the part about hating to be at your own home. Abuse is abuse. Your husband didn’t experience it so he can let it roll off his back without much thought. I bet it’s not directed at him so vociferously as it is at you.

Am betting mom is mad as h3ll because she is getting old and getting closer to death. She’s taking that out on you, too. That helps relieve the pressure she feels. Moms usually don’t take these things out on sons. Maybe that’s one reason she doesn’t want to go there for half the year. Being on your best behavior is no fun.

There’s three things I would advise - one is setting boundaries. The second is healing the hurt from the lifetime of abuse mom has dished out to you. The third is to examine if you’re people pleasing here. For me, they all go hand in hand.

Here is a book (a diary of a very difficult time) I’d recommend which is helping me deal with the pain caused by abuse, helping to set boundaries & stop being a people pleaser among many things. It’s by a Catholic priest (am not looking for converts here) who was a psychologist and experienced the sense of pain and anguish we all seem to feel on this board. Not sure if he was dumped by a lover or a loved one died. He felt suicidal and extremely depressed. Writing this diary helped him heal. It’s called the Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen. https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Voice-Love-Journey-Through/dp/0385483481

Hope all goes well and mom goes to stay with bro for six months. You need a break!

You are FAR from awful! Until someone has been a caregiver or lived with an aging parent - they just dont understand the toll it takes. My best friend went thru it for YEARS and I “thought” I understood. But now that I have my parents with me I realized I had no idea how hard it was for her and the toll it took physically and mentally. Now, she gives me advice but I also try not to overload her with it because she did he duties and its time for her to get a break. Not feeling like your home is your home is so accurate. Im struggling with my situation too so I dont have any advice except to know you are a good person and so many feel the same as you. You are not alone!!

You're not an awful daughter, just a stressed out daughter. Since it has only been about a year since losing your dad, everybody is probably still grieving to some degree and adjusting to life without him. Your mom may have expectations she would have for her husband... and assumed that you and your husband will meet them.

Seems you need some better boundaries in place. Here are a few ideas:
1 - Create "an apartment" in your home that is your mom's domain with specific times for her to be able to gather with you.
2 - Have a family meeting to create house rules that allow everybody's need to be met.
3 - Help your mom to find another place to live: ideally a senior community with lots of activities. She may be lonely and need more friends.

Your mom is wanting interaction...to be involved and to have that relationship with someone.  She had that with your dad, but he is gone.  You are not going to be able to replace him as her "all day every day person".  First you have your relationship with your husband, your home to manage and it sounds like you are helping out with grandchildren as well.  Your mom needs relationships and interaction...she is not just a border in your home.  If she has been sitting there all day long by herself, she is dying for some interaction and probably can't wait until you hit the door.  She is probably coming up with things just to get added to your to do list. LOL  

Bringing parents in to your home is a HUGE never ending, 24/7 commitment and when people make the decision to bring them in, they don't really think about what it truly means.  It is so much more than just putting a roof over their head.

She needs something to look forward to and friends she can chat with and have lunch with.  Visits from you or your brother would be welcomed on top of that.  I would look into some AL places close by and then have a conversation with mom.  You are not an awful daughter...you just didn't realize what you were signing on for.

I think you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel.

Then let her know what her options are and that is her living arrangement will be alternating 6 months with you and 6 months with your brother.

Or be placed in a Senior home or a Senior Apartment. Ect.

Let her know that living with you all year is not a choice.

My mother in law lives in HUD housing for seniors. It’s an income based apartment building for seniors that are self sufficient. It has been wonderful for her until COVID and all the activities were stopped. At 97 she still does most things herself. With the shelter in place COVID restrictions, it might not be an attractive option at this moment but keep it in mind.

I agree that you need to be honest. Your home should be your sanctuary! You haven’t discussed her finances, or any other needs, but in my opinion having her at your brothers for half the year is setting you up for being unhappy in your own home for six months, and then spending the six months without her around dreading her coming back. It’s a vicious cycle!

I can only encourage you to be firm and set strong boundaries. Talk to your brother about a third option. I don’t know what the relationship is there, but if he can be involved the burden won’t fall completely on your shoulders. But if you have to be the one to say, “Mom this isn’t working out and you need your own space” then so be it. You are not a bad daughter. Preserving your own and your husband’s mental well-being is your first priority. It makes you a better caregiver because you won’t be suffering from burn out. And if your mother is self sufficient now, there will come a time when she won’t be - and there needs to be a solid plan in place for when that time comes. You need to be running the show - the show can’t run you ragged.

You are not awful! But you did make a mistake inviting your parents to come and live with you. Please find another living arrangement for mom! For your sake and hers. Since she's still mobile and can drive - find a place that has other individuals who are in that same level of ability - either an apartment or senior living facility - my mother and I could never reside under the same roof. She and her mother couldn't live in the same house either - nothing but fighting, arguing and long-winded, never ending conversations. My mother is very critical of me and the way I run my 'museum' of a home (I'm too OCD for mom, who has never cared a minute about the upkeep of a home)...so mom was never invited to come and live with me - although in her mind she thinks that would be the panacea of all possibilities. Nope, not gonna happen...I'm a senior myself and my DH is 7 years older than me...we're in no position to take care of my 90 year old mom...

Please do yourself and mom a favor - seek other housing! Everyone will be happier!

Your not awful. Your life has been totally hijacked. You can't get away from her wherever you go in your own home. Anyone would go crazy with that. You can't even get in the door.

I would tell mom she's going for a visit. Problem is your asking. Your giving all your power away. Id tell her she is going for a vacation and your having one, so no one will be there. Your going and thats that, or we can look for a home. She'll go. Your so lucky you have a brother who will step up. Some family won't. Get her bag packed. Shes going. Thats that. No discussion. Your letting her dictate your life. Take it back. Your not the child any more. Remember to phrase it positively.
I know you hate change, but your going. Your son wants a visit with you.
Tare your life back. You need a backbone and stop with the guilt trip. Your not hurting her. It's family. Once she gets there she will be fine. Its her son not a stranger. Get on that right away.
She will go. You are now telling her. And thats that. Schedule a day and do it. You got this!

I’ve read the other answers here and there is a lot of good advice. I’ve been looking after mum for 6 years now with Alzheimer’s, deafness, selfishness, incontinence etc with not one other person to help me. If I could get a one week break I would cry with gratitude so if you can get 6 months a year, push for that with everything you have. I have posted here before and said I am beginning to hate her for ruining my life so try and do it before you get to my stage. I am giving it one more year and if social services don’t kick in by then I will put her in a home as I am so over it. I deserve a better life and so do you. Ok, they looked after us as kids but they were young then and that was their choice to have us. At my age I can’t handle it and don’t want to any more. Good luck.

I leave my wife to go to the grocery store everyday for about 30 minutes.
I am her sole caregiver. I would loose my sanity if I didn't. Don't be like those
people who are afraid to leave the house for fear that something will happen.
Can't keep your eyes on the patient 24/7. Not possible. You take a shower
alone, wash clothes, prepare meals, clean house. go to the bathroom, etc.

Why are you making it a choice? If your mother is unable to live alone and is incompetent - than it is not her choice. If your mother is competent, than it is her choice not to go to your brother -- BUT tell her she will have to make other arrangements for the 6 months because you will not be taking care of her.

It is your home and your husband's home. After 1.5 years, you've come to point where your original arrangement is no longer working for you and, although your husband doesn't complain, he's probably had enough too.

I think you should call your brother and have a frank discussion with him about his offer to have your mother live with him for 6 months. Does he really have the space and the time to look after her to the extent that she needs? Does he have his own family to consider before taking her? What services can seniors use in his area?

You should not have to sneak out of your own home to get some time to yourself. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Perhaps spending 6 months with your brother will make it clear that she needs more than either of you can provide. Your first priority is to your marriage. Things change. Start the conversation now about her future before a crisis happens.

Have you thought about what would happen to her if you or your husband suddenly experienced a change in health?

OK. knowing she is at any level self-sufficient, you are fortunate. Keep that in mind. No buts... keep that in mind. You have to take control of the situation. I don't know what it is but my mom too was adamant about no hearing aid. So you can wear glasses, dentures, in a wheelchair, difibulator, incontinent but hell no to a hearing aide? Are you kidding me!! We addressed the hearing aid 80% loss!! but now no more repeating myself... I bought a 50-inch tv for her room I got Magic Jack she has her own telephone no. $36 a year as I no longer have a landline and a portable commode next to her bed. She can stand and pivot. Behind door all toiletries hanging in a shoe rack. Got a CapTel Telephone which teletypes conversation so no longer yelling when I am out... I have a cam on her in real-time I can see from my Cell phone again when I am out. Got a grant and had a complete ADA walk-in shower /bathroom reno as well as a ramp built. I have 4 amazon dots, a couple of plugs, couple of light bulbs, and love the luxury of having hands full and telling Alexa to turn stuff on and off. I'm training Mom now... its like counting sand... Point is set up a routine now, address issues now, at a blink of an eye that self-sufficiency can be gone. You think you are irritated now? You Got This!!!

Morning greetings, Walker.
First off, YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER! Anyone who takes elders into their home, for whatever reasons, has a loving and generous heart.

The burnout is real and exacerbated by the various complexities of our relationships with them and their functional limitations. Your current feelings, imo, are normal.

I don't have a clear picture of your situ, but my advice is centered around self care.

Change your perspective and your expectations. Your now parenting again, but it's your mom who is the toddler. I'm not being mean, just realistic. Pull from your own parenting skill set and retrain your mom as you would your own child. It's more difficult because it's changing behavior, possibly a lifetime of it. Start by focusing on the fact that we teach others how to treat us by our actions and responses, which leads me to my next thought.

Boundaries!!! Set them. It's never too late to start. Idk your relationship with your mom, so Iet's assume a sit down talk doesn't work (a frank discussion may backfire on you if your mom is an attention seeking narcissist like my mom). So, you start to regain your sanity by modifying your responses to change her expectations. This is called conditioning; it takes time and CONSISTENCY, but it works.
1) make her wait, always and every time, unless it's an immediate safety issue. Your verbal responses can be "In a minute" "when I'm finished with ..." "after I get settled" and "Not right now" etc. Physical responses are walking away, ignoring her in the moment and having a routine that works for you. Redirection also works.

Plan together time that works for you and hubby. We make sure to have dinner together every night. We have somewhat weekly movie nights. We play games occasionally. The purpose is to orchestrate this time based on your household schedule, not Mom's.

Get her to have other interests. Covid has complicated social life, but if your mom can get out with other elders at all, arrange it. Encourage her to call her friends. You may need to call her friends and tell them she's lonely and grieving and won't reach out, so please call her. Is your mom anxious or depressed? Look into psych care. After an initial eval, they can do virtual visits. Insist on monthly contact. Meds may help if warranted. And get some counseling for yourself; feeling bitter and becoming resentful is harmful to you and will effect your entire family. You need coping skills like never before.

Set her up to be functionally independent in your home so she's not asking you constantly for little things. TELL HER that you are there to do for her the things she cannot do for herself. Sounds like she's a honey-do list person. Asses her real needs, then sit down with her and tell her what yall will do and what she MUST do.

Take a regular day off every week. I finally got to a point where I can do this. (mom needs assistance/supervision for mobility issues) where mom is functionally capable and someone ELSE is available). Just that one day every week (Wednesdays) IS MINE. Yes, I have to leave the house, but it's helped me be a nicer nice person to all and to myself. After two months, mom is used to it. She complained at first, but I ignored them. Just do it.

Bottom line is that it's your home, your life, your family that takes priority. You are in control. Recondition your mom to accept these facts. Oh, and stop asking if she wants this or that; kindly, gently and cooly just tell her the way it is.

BTW, get to the bottom of her resistance to tge 6 mo arrangement. Sounds like a great option for you!!

It sounds like your mom is bored and depressed. She can’t get out to socialize, probably doesn’t have any friends around, and has no one to talk to until you get home. AL and senior groups may not be an option due to finances and Covid. Try talking with her about your need to have some privacy with your husband. You love her, however, you want her to go to your brothers for awhile. I’m sure it’s scary for her. Her whole life has changed. Acknowledge her fears and feelings, but nevertheless she’s going to visit your brother. Broken record. I’m sure there will be tears and anger...but nevertheless she’s going.
Good luck.

Dear awful...You're NOT. I am trying to not feel angry right now because I live with my elder parents by choice and my desire to look after them as best I can has impacted my health to the point where I literally nearly died. But as my out of state only sibling rubbed my nose in it and said "YOU made your decisions" and I have. There's just something that stirs anger knowing their ages as opposed to mine (98 and 103) and how I was the one in the hospital who had emergency surgery and could have had a stroke while they are in relatively good health and carrying on. A few weeks back when I was in the kitchen my father comes in with what looks like possibly a little mole on his hand. He wonders if he should maybe go to emergency, and feels the need to consult with me first. SERIOUSLY? ER? And then when I also can't escape his presence as I am letting my pup out, he HAS to show me the hand again....another little something/mark. Yes, he is deaf, but he is functional enough to use a captioned phone and drive and do shopping for himself. So I blew him off. This perturbed him. Yesterday I heard a message being left by a neighbor down the block whom he has visited with from time to time when out for a walk. She was telling him to call her back. Hopefully my mother with dementia messed with the phone and erased it for all I know. But I had to wonder if my lack of attention drove him to this sympathetic person/ear, and I don't care. Let her adopt him! I realize he's an insistent and demanding little piece of work (don't I know it!) but this woman has meddled in before providing the names of resources for him (i.e. ME) to contact for whatever his damn issue of the day is. Some time back I had had it. Working part time, cooking some, cleaning, bill paying, appt making....and then SHE adds to my load. I basically wrote her an appreciative note but in essensce told her to F off and mind her own business. I also apologized....but really....The boundary setting is essential if you are going to maintain your health and sanity. The hearing burden....my dad is deaf so I get it. So you know it what it has switched to?: he uses an i phone with an app for dictation and constantly engages you in conversation he can't hear and then says WAIT! I have to get my phone!. Or "I've got my phone" when I go to write a note. It's exhausting in ways people can't imagine. Plus he's stubborn as they come. Mom has dementia and her "entertainment system" is the refrigerator and food. It's a nightmare. We tried a lock and she pulled so hard she defeated it. The answer is locking her out of the kitchen which would greatly reduce MY stress, but he refuses. I have recognized the only way to save myself is to continue avoiding them as much as possible. And to begin diminishing all I do. In fact my recuperation from major life threatening surgery forced me to realize this. I had already been planning on getting some help with cleaning, but in the end, for now, I have put that on the back burner. Not worth the COVID risk for a stranger to come in and I felt like I COULD do it....I just needed to better plan and schedule things. YOU ARE NOT AWFUL. YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE BIT MORE "awful" . I'd stop talking to her and leave her a note. I'm not talking further to you until you get and use a hearing aid. Are you near Costco? They have some great services. Of course in my father's case all hearing aids are useless; in my mother with dementia's, they are too expensive to replace and she managed to throw hers out. Good luck, and remember, you're not alone in this!

You received some excellent advice. I would just like to add that you might want to step back a bit and try to see things from your mother's perspective. She went from being independent with your father, to moving in with you and your husband and then shortly after that, losing her life partner.

Is she feeling a bit lost, lonely, afraid? Does she have her own friends? Social life? Perhaps there's a senior's group nearby she could join - even if it's only via Zoom. Focusing on helping your mom be more independent will, hopefully, make her happier and result in a better relationship for you both.

My suggestion would be to alternate each month with your brother. After a few of these trips she may look forward to a "new place" plus this may be a way to ease into assisted care when the time comes. By giving your brother a sample of what you go through family decisions become easier. Plus a month is a good release for all involved. Good luck stay well.

Imho, there is no way that you're "an awful daughter," but you require a different living arrangement for your mother - such as at your sibling's. Prayers sent.

Sometimes it’s not up to the person being cared for, she’s afraid of the unknown.

Once she’s at your brothers she’ll be fine and it’ll be the same thing in reverse when it’s time to come back.

Remember the first day at a new school, the butterflies, the new kids etc. Imagine if we could tell our parents No. We would have tried nothing new lol

Send her to your brothers, we are never too old to try new things. Take your break while you can, some people don’t even have that option. And you’re going to get depleted to enjoy your grandkids. That’s a deal breaker right there.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and you have every right to have some peace. First of all, after a medical checkup, I would sit her down and explain new boundaries, one of which she is going to get and wear hearing aids....no if's, and's or but's. If that does not work, answer her ONCE and tell her you already answered whatever and then walk off. Do NOT waste your time repeating - you will go insane. Make her wear hearing aids and if not, just ignore her. I have no compassion for people who can get help but who are stubborn and selfish. As to your brother, don't ask her - just take her there (thank god he will help). If possible, hire a caretaker for some days or hours so you can escape. IT IS TIME TO THINK OF YOU FIRST.

I feel ya. I'm an only child. My mother is in her 70s and moved here this past Fall 2020 when she was widowed for a 2nd time. We had a good relationship and had dreamed about buying a house big enough for her to move in with us. We found a place that had a large private apartment attached to the main house. My husbanf and I helped her move from out of state. Fast forward to now and we are all miserable. I can relate to what you said about being demanded to help with things. My Mom yelled from her apartment today (while I was in our house), "MY WASHING MACHINE ISN'T WORKING RIGHT!" I thought maybe she was talking to my husband. I was in the middle of something and didn't come see. She then came into the room and yelled the same thing. I was very taken aback and asked her if she would ask nicely. Maybe say, "Hey, when you have a minute can you come to my apartment to look at the washer?" She just kept repeating herself. 😂
All that to say, I feel you. She has been critical of how we parent our kids and it drives us nuts as well. She has narcissistic tendencies that are overdramatic and exhausting. We feel stuck in this situation. She brought up the idea of not living together and we are seriously consideres 2nd options. Wish we would have seen this coming.

After staying with an elderly friend after her husband's death, I can appreciate the exhaustion of having to repeat things a gazillion times and speak in my outdoor voice in the living room. Remarkably exhausting - AND annoying. I wish I'd known about that speech amplifier...
There's a fine balance between being the obedient child and the practical adult. Sometimes, moms have to do what their children say do. Do you think you'd get a reason why she doesn't want 6 months with her son? Would she go for 3 months?
IMHO, better to spend less time with her than let the anger/resentment/hostility built up poison all the time you're with her. No need to make up an excuse; try: "I'm going for a walk", "Ok, I'll be back." Or just wave, give a heart sign, and hit the door. ?
Just consider that, if you didn't care about your mom, you wouldn't be feeling like an awful daughter. Like many here, you're a good daughter who needs some self-care. Go get it!

Nope, your not an awful daughter; just a human teetering on the edge of insanity.
that being said:
Ask your brother to insist she come out for a visit. After she's there, he can tell her he'd like her to stay awhile: maybe a month or two. You should agree: it's only fair he get to spend quality time with his mom.
You can always ship additional clothes, etc. to make he stay mom comfortable.
While she's there, maybe your brother can convince her to get fitted for a hearing aid. Boys have a way with their mothers.
Maybe she'll want to stay longer, maybe not.
In any case, when she does leave, have your brother set up a second visit in 6 months.

She probably would enjoy people her own age at an assisted living facility. I’m sure they have activities to occupy her time.