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My mom will be 94 next week. She still lives in her condo apartment and is in relatively good health, except for arthritis aches and pains. She is legally blind and uses a walker but is quite independent and social.

Ever since she stopped driving at age 75, I've been her main "go to" person for grocery shopping, appointments, etc., as well as caring for her emotional needs. My brother does help out occasionally. I am self-employed and have a very hectic schedule.

Mom has always been an impatient, demanding woman and has become worse in the past couple of years. She has started to get more confused and doing some troublesome things, like freaking out if I don't answer the phone right away. The other day, I was in our swimming pool. The phone was inside. She called four times with a half hour. When I returned her call, she said she was worried that I was sick. She called my brother, who lives 20 minutes away, and told him to come to my house to check if I was okay. Fortunately, I was able to reach him to tell him I was okay.

This is not the first time mom has freaked out like this when I haven't immediately returned her phone calls. I suspect some dementia is setting in. I notice that she's getting a bit more confused, too.

Mom has said a couple of times that she wishes I called her every day, because some of her friends' children do that. She says she gets "lonely." Meanwhile, my sister calls every Sunday, my brother calls one a week, my niece visits her almost every Monday, I call Mondays and Thursdays and usually take her grocery shopping every Friday. Plus, she plays cards every night with the people in her building and goes out to lunches and other functions almost every week, so I'm not understanding why she's "lonely."

I really don't want to commit to calling her every day, for a few reasons, but most of all, because if I don't call her every day on time, she'll flip out and worry. As I said, I run a business and it requires me to be on the road every day, I also have battled anxiety for years and it would be just too much for me to deal with her drama on a daily basis. Certainly, I am always there for her if she needs anything, but calling every day would be absolutely too much for me to handle.

She's been on the list for assisted living for four years. I think she'd be much happier, less needy, and less "lonely" if she were in such an environment.

Anyone else dealing with a similar situation? Am I being selfish?

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You have to take steps to protect your physical and psychological self. I put in a Presto at my Mom's place. It's a printing email box. It's the only way I can communicate with her successfully right now. I 'email' her from my computer and a little printer on her end table calls in to a storage area 5x/day and then prints out any messages that have arrived including photos, etc. She can then read it 1000 times a day to reassure herself about when I'll be there the next time. Plus she gets a kick out of the photographs. Maybe that would help?
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Thanks for the suggestion, Sophe, but mom can't read, as she is legally blind.
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Sounds like mom has plenty going on in her life. MY life should be so busy. Ha! You're not being selfish. Don't give it a thought. She's just all wrapped up in herself as old people often are. Put it out of your mind.

Good daughter!
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Your mom is suffering from overwhelming anxiety. Get her to her doctor or to a geriatric psychiatrist who can prescribe the right antidepressant/antianxiety meds for her. No, you are not being selfish.
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I have a bit of a different take. If I was blind, I'd probably feel disconnected from the world. I'd want the assurances of people close to me, especially to know that they're okay. And I might be tempted to call someone repeatedly until getting that assurance.

When I haven't been able to reach my father and have been anxious or overly concerned, I've called repeatedly. A few times I've gotten in my car and driven the nearly 30 miles to make sure that he's okay. He tells me I'm a worrier. But I fear any manner of things happening to him and need to be reassured sometimes, especially when certain other conditions exist.

I can understand your position, especially since you write that your mother engages in "drama", but I honestly don't think it's too much to call her daily. She's an old woman, she can't see, and apparently she's alone all day.
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Cat, I am in a similar situation. I am mom and dads go to person. And they both want to go to different places! I'm worn out. Sometimes, I don't answer their calls or I make excuses when I need a break. If I don't take a day to myself, I get cranky and burned out. I'm nervous when I'm not with them and tired and resentful if I'm with them everyday. They can be very demanding on the phone. No matter how much I see them and drive them, it's not enough. Your feelings are very natural. That's why I like to vent on this site, keep my sense of humor, take my bubble baths, exercise class, and listen to 80's music.
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I don't think it's awful of you at all. I think this is a very long haul for most of us, and to keep from burning out we need to draw our boundaries where we need to draw them. I rarely call my mother. I certainly wouldn't do it just to check it off on my to-do list. I see my mother several times a week. And she doesn't hesitate to call me if she needs something. Neither of us are really phone talkers though. I would resent the obligation to call every day. I can totally understand how you feel.
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I would like to offer a different perspective on this. I think that often as people who live alone age they crave a touchstone in their life simply because there is that nagging feeling that they could hurt themselves or die and no one would discover them for days, my Mom and her SIL talked daily for that very reason. The son of a friend of my mom's would bring in the newspaper for his mom every morning on his way to work, another had a neighbour that watched to see if she opened her curtains in the morning because then they knew she was up and about, simple things that made them feel less alone and vulnerable.
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To clarify, mom is classified as legally blind, but she does has peripheral vision. She can read extremely large print, make very simple meals, get dressed by herself, play cards every night, watch ball games on her magnified TV, etc.
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I come from a different perspective too. I phoned my Mom every day for as long as I can remember. Long before she got dementia and her health started to go down I was a worrier and would get alarmed if she didn't pick up the phone. Mostly cause she lived alone and never went out much. She didn't mind though. She said I was her lifeline.

Honestly now that she is gone I would give anything to be able to still call her everyday. Enjoy her while you can I say cause the day will come when you won't have the luxury of having that connection.
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Truthfully, I think although difficult, you should call your mother daily. Blindness is isolating even though she has a social life. You are her child. You never disconnect the parenting role and she needs to know that you are OK. In addition, she has normal anxiety that is par for the course at her age. Just take a deep breath and call.
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I think if your mom's anxiety was under control, calling her would not seem to be such a chore.
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I see where you asked a very similar question back in March of this year. "Why do I always feel guilty when I don't buy into Mom's drama?"

That tells me this has become even more stressful in your life.

One random but important question that comes to mind is how has your husband felt about your mom's dependency on you and how much it creates conflict inside of you?

I am not sure she would be much different in wanting calls if she were in an assisted living which I hope she can get into. Yes, moms never cease to worry about even their grown children, but I find every day a bit much. Well, I've said enough.
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I can understand your feelings Cat. You have to do what is necessary to look after yourself. Running your own business takes energy and effort. Selfish? No way.
You are doing the best you can. It's good other family members help out. Yes, as a fellow "go-to" person, my parents expect me to drop everything. No question the pressure is there. On the other hand, you deserve a life. Good for you for reaching out on this discussion board. Don't forget we're here for you.
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I have been responsible for my father for almost 3 years. He lives in an assisted living facility near me. The only way I have found that I can stay sane is by taking Sundays and Wednesdays off from managing his life and thereby making time for my own life. He has a 7am to 7pm one on one caregiver on those days and he can call me if there is an emergency. I explained to him that most people get 2 days off a week and that I needed that too. This situation with my dad is a marathon not a sprint and I had to come up with this way to pace myself in order to keep my sanity.
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I just want to compliment you on almost 20 years of service to your mother. So I personally feel that you already 'showed up' for her, very much more than enough to choose how often you phone, because you know the downside of how it affects you when you talk with her. You have other parts of a life with responsibilities. When I have daily conversations with Mom, it often gets me frustrated and disturbed because she complains and wails about things I can't do anything about, and I feel the effect for hours sometimes. I feel that I don't owe all of that part of me to her, as I am not going to quit on her and she is living in a situation where there are others to step in and handle her emotional needs because I really can't. My particular Mom is sort of a 'black hole' of neediness.
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I agree with Babalou. I would try to get her on an anti-anxiety medication. Discuss it with her doctor. Not something to make her tired, but a daily med that reduces the worry and anxiety. That will reduce her anxiety and she may then be okay and not worry about you so much.

At her age, I would suspect age related decline and also some dementia. It's not likely that you will be able to explain your situation and your decision to not call daily. She's likely to just not get it and continue to call you. I have found that seniors often get overly concerned about trivial things and convincing them not to worry is not very productive. But medication could help.

Most of the seniors that I know, call their adult kids and other people at least once per day.
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Oh, I forgot to add. I wouldn't feel bad or guilty about not wanting to call her everyday. It's not a morality thing. I don't see anything to feel guilty over. It's your feelings and you have a right to them.
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Not all elderly parents call their adult children every day and I'm glad they don't. I would make me feel like I am their "eternal" little child.
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You're not being selfish, no, but you might like just to check that you're satisfied (YOU are satisfied, note) with your boundaries. I totally agree that you have to have some! - especially as your mother's overreactions cause you anxiety that you really don't need on top of your daily routine - but don't let her distorted sense of proportion infect your own.

I suppose what I'm thinking of specifically is this request from her that you call her once a day. Would that actually be too much? - feel free to say yes it would, but I must admit that to me, not having to do it any more, that doesn't sound like a lot to ask. You would have to add some riders, true, such as that you may not be able to call her every day, but that you will let her know if you can't and she is to make a note of it -

Actually, what you could do is have a dedicated answer phone for her so that you could record reminders on it. Anyway.

- so that she doesn't freak out on those days when you can't call. And for the not wanting a daily litany of troubles, you keep the conversations very much within bounds, and as soon as they turn into poor me tales you say "well lots of love, I have to go now, speak to you tomorrow" and ruthlessly detach yourself.

But above all please yourself. The reason I make these suggestions is *only* that YOU don't seem to be comfortable with how things are, and that's the aim. Best of luck.
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Cat your being a terrific daughter and you need to be good to you too.
My M used to beg a daily call too, then it got to be twice a day "So I can say goodnight." Pretty soon it would have built up to me never being off the phone!
My widowed BIL is now starting the same pattern.
My advice is to reassure her the days/times you'll call. On the time give yourself a leeway for events. Mum I'll call you Monday between 9 and 10. If I don't call, don't worry because it just means I'm in the middle of something & I'll call as soon as I'm free.
BTW it's lovely to read of folks who so miss loving parents & would dearly relish 1 more call. Sadly we don't all get that relationship and calls bring grief, pain, anger, lack of self worth and a whole bag more of not feeling good.
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Setting reasonable limits with a truly needy loved one is not easy. But do something you can live with. Maybe a call every day before your or her bedtime would work. Pick a time that is not too hectic for you and feel free to keep it short and sweet, emphasis on short if it can't be sweet.
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In my experience with aging parents, my in-laws, elders get lonely and there is never enough contact from their point of view. If you've never spoken with your mom on a daily basis it's going to take a lot out of you to make the small talk that those phone calls inevitably become. You do not sound like a selfish person. Caregivers need to manage our parents' expectations. Some will say that calling every day is a small thing. I disagree. If speaking with your mother every day is going to increase your stress then how is that going to make things better?
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Thanks so much, all, for your comments and support. I have to be very honest and say that I've never felt comfortable in the role of caregiver to my mother. There's a reason why I decided I never wanted to have children, and that's because I didn't want the responsibility. Now I have taken on the responsibility of caring for mom. I do love her, don't get me wrong, and I try to accommodate her every whim, but it's so difficult to deal with her impatience, weekly freak-outs and her treating me like her personal servant.

About the calling every day thing: I doubt if she's asked my brother and sister to call her more often. It's just ME she wants to talk to every day, and that's a lot of pressure for someone like me who has anxiety. I do think it's time for assisted living very soon.
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Cat, your mom is lonely and bored. Perhaps there is assisted living that would be appropriate. Maybe she would get so busy she wouod forget to worry about you. Your mom has been on a wait list for assisted for four years?! Who are they calling when they have availability? Not mom I hope. If this wait list is for real it is time to find more communities.
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@gladimhere: Thanks for your comment. Mom says she's lonely during the daytime. She plays cards every night with the ladies in her building, so that keeps her occupied week nights. Meanwhile, she has caregivers come in every Monday and Friday morning, my niece usually visits every Monday at lunchtime. Either my brother or I take mom shopping once a week. I have suggested that if she's lonely, get a group of ladies together to have afternoon tea once or twice a week. She shot that idea down. Didn't give me a good reason. I can't be there in the afternoons because I work.

She has been on the list for assisted living for four years because we are trying to get her into a rent-subsidized place. To do that, you go on a waiting list. She could get into somewhere sooner if she chose more than one facility, but she's chosen only one that she likes. She refuses to see or consider other facilities. Hence the long wait. The other option is to get her into another facility where she'd have to pay $3,000 plus a month. We've been trying to avoid that up to now, for financial reasons.
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I think the question of whether a daily call is "a lot to ask" depends a lot on what your parent is like and what your relationship with her/him is like. My mother at this point can't make conversation about anything but her own needs and problems. I dread her calls because it's invariably some "emergency" that she wants me to take care of. Her anxiety is not about whether I'm all right. Her anxiety is about making sure that any issues that arise are immediately transferred to someone else for immediate action. Her calls invariably make me angry, anxious and agitated. Luckily I can forestall most of the "emergency" calls by stopping in almost daily (which also leaves me angry, anxious and agitated more often than not). So I totally relate to someone not wanting to call every day, especially if the parent does have that "drama queen" mentality.
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@Carla: Thank you for that. This is exactly what I'm dealing with. My mom is "drama queen" to the max. My sister and I always joke that ma goes from 0 to 60 in one second. LOL
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I'm going to echo what so many others have said. It sounds like you are there for your Mom so you have no need to feel guilty.

Before my Mom was ever elderly I would call her everyday because she is extremely needy, sometimes I called twice a day. It was all drama and complaints. If I went a couple of days without calling she got nasty with me. Calling everyday REALLY too it's toll on me. Finally a counselor suggested I cut back to about three calls a week. Funny how we often feel the need for permission to take care of ourselves. Mom sulked for a long time but she eventually got used to it. Now that she is elderly and caring for my dad I call more often. I was back up to daily calls and it was too much. Now I take a day or two off a week but I do tell her ahead of time. If I know I have a long day ahead of me I tell her I will not be able to call until the next day. That seems to work.

I'm OK with calling as much as I do but that's the pattern I have always had. Now I keep the calls to just about ten minutes (they used to be much longer). I listen most of the time, Mom has never been very interested in what I am doing. I don't encourage her to go on and on but I do try to be supportive of her feelings. Sometimes the conversation is pleasant, those days I stay on the phone longer with her.

Each person is different and you must go with what you know is best for you. Your Mom has lots of support. You do your part, that's enough.

On another note, you said you suspect dementia might be setting in, maybe her increased neediness is a symptom of that?
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Yes, Trying and Cat, so true! It depends on the parent. Phone calls are not the best way to communicate with elderly parents who can barely hear and have dementia. I have to yell and they forget I called so I don't even get points for calling. Although it helps MY guilt for taking a day away. Also, they forget how to properly hang up the phone, so it remains off the hook for hours.
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