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I married last year. My MIL had been living with my husband, but she was having a house built, and was supposed to be going to stay with someone until she could move in, so we would have our privacy as newlyweds. Well, “staying with someone” ended up with her at our home all day, and only leaving at night to sleep, until she decided her poor back really needed her own bed and she stopped leaving at night. Then she decided she didn’t like the new house, and told the builders to keep it.


It’s been over a year now, and my husband says she’s still planning to move, but there were no good homes for sale in the area, and now with Covid she isn’t even looking. I hate living here, MIL runs the house, and my husband gets mad if I even mention trying to tell her anything. I feel like I’ve got to hide away in another room all day, and she’ll still come find me in there. Her friend also comes over all day, every day, and they have loud conversations and watch loud tv.


I’ve tried telling my husband how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with the living arrangement, but he’ll just say he’s sorry I’m unhappy and won’t try to make any changes. He says she’s in poor health and we have to be nice. Though if I mention how if her health is so bad, maybe she should look into senior living, he says she’s a strong, capable woman.


She’s only in her 60s, and her own mother is still living (in a nursing home) in her 80s. I didn’t agree to live with another woman in the home, and I certainly can’t go on like this for another 20 or 30 years. I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving? The way things have gone so far, if I tell my husband it’s me or his mother, I’m not sure he’s going to pick me.

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I think if she just left, he was used to living with mom. It wasn't a hardship. He did for several ytrs. So nothing really changes for him.
Id go with the angle you were duped and never got to establish your own home like you were promised.
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you need to leave, and I would hope this would not result in permanent separation, but until your husband sees that you mean business he will let this go on forever.

I would hope if you do leave and he sees you are serious he will make the changes. But even if he does not, you are better off not being there.

But in a way, why should your husband take action when you stay anyway?
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Runnnnn! Don't Walk!
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Can you give us an update? Hope things are better
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" I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving?"

Pack your bags and leave. Do it now. Don't come back until your MIL is out of your house.

There is no reason for your husband and MIL to modify their complete disregard for your feelings unless there are consequences for their behavior. You're only a year into the marriage and it will only get worse.
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sorry to hear what is happening.  hopefully a short story, my mother said when my parents got married they lived right next door to my dads parents. the grandmother was supposed to watch my brother while parents worked, but she would apparently let him skip school and if he broke things he was never held accountable. my mother finally had the craps of the MIL going against what my parents were trying to do (my dad worked in coalmining,etc so was extremely busy).  Finally mother said she was going home.......she got on a bus and went back down to her family home.  well in this case, my dad put his foot down and my mom came back home.  Maybe you might just have to give an ultimatum that he has "so many months" to get things straight with his mother finding another place or you will be finding another place.  IF she has health problems, then I guess she won't be of any help taking care of dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc and I doubt if he is going to do it when he gets off work.  This might just make him realize that she needs to find another place.  OR you can be nasty and start doing things that agitate her enough to make her want to leave (but that wouldn't be right)..........so I am wishing you luck with this.  maybe some counseling would help.
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Do you live in apt or house? Maybe you can convert a basement or attic, or extend out so you all have more space. Maybe she won't get on your nerves then. It might not be that she is there, but taking over the only family room tv room in the house making it hers. Maybe you just need another room as a sitting/tv room, maybe with a dorm fridge, comfy chairs. And don't need to spend a ton of money. Its not always fun just watching TV from the bed. Then maybe that will take the pressure off she is always in your face?
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just tell your husband it's time for his mom to get her own place. your marriage comes first if you don't stand up to your husband and your ml it's going to get worst have a talk with ml also let her know that she should start looking for a place. believe me i know i had to tell my ml that my husband is not her husband because thats how she used to act like he's her husband. talk to both them together do it soon.
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I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with everyone who has recommended the "get MIL out or I leave" strategy, giving MIL a 30-day notice so she has time to find an apartment and pack her stuff. Find a counselor for YOU before you do anything, not only to talk through your situation but also so you have an emotional pillar of support when you and DH tell MIL she needs to get out. Expect a lot of upset from everyone (including you), and have a back-up plan to stay with a family member or friend for a few days if you need to shield yourself from flying sparks. And - please, please, PLEASE understand that having a baby will NOT magically improve your marriage or situation with MIL. Even if you love your DH on some fundamental level or you want to create the fantasy of a happy family in this stressful situation, bringing a child into the house with MIL around will just add an insurmountable amount of stress. After MIL is out, consider marriage counseling *before* considering having a child with DH. And if you go down that path with DH, set boundaries with MIL regarding visits. None of this is going to be easy, because everyone will be uprooting and re-setting emotions throughout the process.

I speak from some experience... My MIL moved in with us 4 years ago, originally what I thought was a temporary situation but now a permanent one according to both DH and MIL. MIL lives in an "in law" suite separate from the main part of the house and keeps to herself, so I tolerate her presence for the most part. She is in her 60s, dirt poor and in "poor health", and she informed us early on that she wouldn't be able to help out due to her bad health...so no childcare (kids were 8 months and 2 YO when she moved in), no housework, no cooking, no nothing. The most she has done is get the mail and roll the trash can from the curb to the house. Anyway, this year I finally told DH I was looking at 1BR apartments to rent (for me), and this finally made him "see the light" to consider assisted housing for MIL. He has reluctantly come around to this for the sake of my sanity and preserving the kids' sense of "family". If kids weren't part of this, I would have left a LONG time ago, leaving DH to pay my share of the mortgage and continue supporting MIL.
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first off stop paying bills in the house if you are because if ml is there. is she helping with bills ? and second when you get married your wife and husband comes first so talk to him about it let him know you can't live like this give him a time line for her to find a place let him know if she don't you will leave until she does i had the same situation with my husband newly weds so after two years of it i had enough thank god for this site they all give me good advice and i was able to stant up for my self and to my husband. as everyone here told me if he loves you he will choose you and i did told him it's me or your mom so he choose me so if he really loves you and want to make his marriage work he will do what's best for you both good luck put your foot down now
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You need to make up your mind what you are willing to do and not do before you have a serious "come to Jesus" talk with him.  Tell him you didn't marry his mother and that living with her was not the life that he presented to you.  Ask him how he would feel if you moved your dad in and he ruled the roost and made your husband feel like an interloper.  Your husband needs to be a man and tell his mother that he is newly married and that as a newly married couple you need privacy and time to get to know one another as husband and wife.  The real problem here is he should be doing this without you asking him to.... The fact that he hasn't come to this conclusion on his own pretty much spells it out for you.  You have married a mama's boy and unless he does a quick 360, you may have to leave the two of them to their own devices.

This would be a totally different situation if you and your husband had been married for 30 years and all of the sudden his mom became sick and financially destitute and had no where else to go and he was taking her in until he could get her settled elsewhere, but that is not your situation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and you've got a tough conversation ahead of you and a tough decision to make. 

Take care.
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jacobsonbob Oct 2020
I agree, and in addition it appears the husband hasn't set any boundaries for the mother given that she is there. If the MIL didn't try to control everything, the situation might be more tolerable for the wife.
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Each of us has our own values and priorities. If this is not how you choose to live that’s fine. Blaming is pointless and won’t change the situation. Something about this situation works for him and that’s ok. In reality you’ve moved into their house. I think the worst part is broken promises. Any compromises? I’d suggest buying a new home together. Maybe a new job for you across the country? Or married but live separately?
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She’s only in her 60’s? She could easily live to be 100 years old. My mother is 96 and lives by herself in her own house.

Get ready to wipe MIL ARSE for a very long time. Her son won’t do it.

I hope you leave this horrible situation you are in.
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Just curious how long was hubby living with his mom before you started dating?
What happens if she gets ill? Will you have to sell his home to pay her hospital, assisted living, nursing home? Were they living together to save $$$ because her mom is in a nursing home? If that is the case you will never seperate them.

If she was living there before you, its basically her house. She just went thru the motions of making it look good and give you a honeymoon. Barely.

Do they own the home together? If your working paying bills you make life easier for them. You probably don't get a portion of the house if you divorce. Just yor clothes/your furniture. Did you ever discuss the house situation? He might be paying the mortgage down faster with your help, but its still in his name or their names. They might have gotten the house together to conserve funds for her mom (his grandmother) and your MIL needs when the time comes. Id keep records of everything your paying for. Id talk to a lawyer about that.

What if you stay 10yrs and she needs a lot of care? Husb could say your money is help paying for his mom's care. Or he's selling his house and moving to an apt to pay for her care. Or you are now his mom's permanent carer, bc thats what women do. And he can't bathe/dress/toilet/change briefs bc that is his mom! Sons don't do that. There are boundaries. Sticking you with it all. Good luck.
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Takincare Oct 2020
House would be a premarital asset not included in joint marital assets unless her name is added to the deed which considering her situation seems unlikely to happen.
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Just out of curiosity how long was husband living with his mom before you came along?
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Countrymouse Oct 2020
Seven years. MIL moved in with *her* mother roughly two years before OP's relationship got off the ground, then five year relationship, then they got married last year.
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One other thing I was considering after thinking about your situation, could he have said she was moving with the plan being all along to have you be her caregiver, maid service, laundress, cook, etc. Without your consent? She took care of her mom, so now you should take care of her, starting now, hence her attitude and his?
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Beatty Oct 2020
Bingo
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I read some of the answers here. Some suggest you are thinking about having children?? DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS SITUATION. Your MIL will run all over you and take command of raising the childern and she WILL undermine your relationship with your children. She will do it all under guise of being the helpful grandma. Her son will think it is so cute. "look how how the children take to grandma" When they get older they will have huge emotional problems from the conflicting messages they will get from you and from Grandma and the third conflicting message from their Father. It was what I thought was for teh good of my children that I did not end the nightmare I was in. Turned out when they got older I discovered I should have left and taken the children with me to get them out of a highly conflicting envirnmeent.
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First of all. I just spent the last 20 years in a marriage where my wife put the wants of her parents ahead of the emotional and financial needs of our marriage. Worse her Mother took FULL advantage of the situation. When we courted my wife talked endlessly about the marriage being the first priority etc, etc. Soon after the we married she was NEVER willing to put her Mother 2nd. We would have a discussion, go to counseling, some change might occur for a couple of weeks then we were right back. I was ALWAYS the evil selfish guy. I know first hand how degrading, dehumanizing and how this situation demolishes a persons self esteem. It also causes you to make BAD decisions and choices about your time, emotions and money. You have only been married a year, there are no children involved. You need to have a very clear and calm conversation with your husband and get agreement on what is his priority? The marriage and your relationship, or his Mother? Unless he adamatly stands up and says you and the marriage are the clear priority you should be prepared to walk out the door right there. If he stands with you then his actions need to prove out those words. The needs of the marriage have to be each of your priorities. If you are going to have any kind of relationship. And there has to be boundaries and they need to be enforced by your husband. If you stay the longer you let this go on the harder it will be to get his Mother to change her ways and stick with the changes. His Mother you said is in her 60s she could live another 30 years. Her needs will ONLY become more demanding. You must be in your 40s-50s? My situation did not end until I was 60. The 2nd time my wife took sides with her Mother and did not stand up for me I should have left. I stayed WAY TOO long!! Our adult children now ask me why did I stay in such a bad situation. It is SOOOO much harder to start over at this age then the age you are at. You obviously were getting along without this guy a couple of years ago so you should be strong enough and independent enough to do it again. Best of success.
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Takincare Oct 2020
Great response from someone who's been there. Sorry you went thru years of turmoil. Things will get better and you can still find that special person who will love you for who you are. Funny how our children see and are more aware of what is going on than what we think they are.
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As others have told you, RUN, RUN FAR AND RUN FAST. Due to the short term of your marriage it will be much easier to sort out financials. He promised MIL was moving out, waiting for her home to be completed. Next was she was going to stay with someone else, um nope, didn't happen, SHE decide SHE wants to be with her son. So be it, they can have each other. This situation is not going to improve, the grown woman is 60, not 80! Neither one of them can let go of each other. Bring a child into the mix, YOU will not have any say about how to care for or raise your child, or she will become very jealous of the attention the baby receives from your husband. Sounds like you may need to take time for you, sort your feelings out, and find someone who loves you, is considerate and respectful of your feelings as you are with theirs. Things will not get better for you, only progressively worse. Even if she moves out there will be complaints that you forced her out of her son's house. Your last sentence summed it up, you think he would pick his mom over you. Good luck, hope things work out for the best. You deserve to be married to someone who puts you and your marriage before extended family.
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Re ‘falling for promises about changing’, my daughter in her late 20s stayed in a relationship for about 5 years, because whenever she brought things to a head the guy was so good at promising to change. The crunch came for her when they both went for counseling, and the counselor told her to give him another chance, he was really sincere, blah blah (ie counselor fell for the line herself). It infuriated my daughter, who had heard it all before, and she quit. She’s now happily married to a lovely guy and they have a little boy.
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Imho, this dynamic must be amended. Prayers sent.
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Run. Run fast. I am sorry, this was your first year of marriage which is suppose to be a wonderful time of establishing yourselves as a couple, feathering your nest, spending a lot of time together in bed or on the floor in front of the fire. Prolonged dating was the first clue, four years! I feel badly for you, you had dreams of a husband, marriage, a family and it is not working out. So get out while you are still young, cut your losses; there's time to meet someone else. Do NOT get pregnant! Use double contraception. I know you have fantasies of being a mom, want a baby very badly, think this is your only chance; this is NOT the time. It won't save the marriage or make him give up mama. . Rent yourself an apartment, start seeing a counselor to get you through this and keep you from relapsing, falling for his promises about changing. Some people have character disorders, set in concrete. Look forward, start dating asap after separation, don't look back or brood over the lost dream. Start over again, make new dreams. Best of luck .
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Something similar happened to a friend of mine many years ago, except it was his adult daughter who husband let call the shots. That relationship was inappropriate on so many levels - I saw it myself on a few occasions (patting daughter's butt, speaking inappropriately about sex, making my friend move at the dinner table so daughter could sit in a particular chair). I stopped being around them when they were together. Too weird for me. My friend put up with this after being told by him she was just jealous, she had a dirty mind, etc. My friend thought he would change and see the error of his ways - honor his marriage vows to her. Their fights over it only worsened. She finally packed her bags and left. He begged her to return; she said she'd come back if they went to counseling. He agreed. She moved back in, and they went to one session. He didn't like counseling. Stopped going. Bad behavior continued. She eventually left for good. Nothing is worth feeling like you don't count in your own home.
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This may not be the best answer, however here it goes.....
Get your own apartment and have your husband visit privately. He needs it as much as you do. Then make the decision to run if you find Mommy is visiting with your husband at the same time. Having babies now is not the best timing.
good luck!
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my2cents Oct 2020
Not a bad idea, dadscaregiver
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Gsetting a man to leave his mommy is for sure one of the more difficult things to do. He still had a grip on her apron strings.
I van suggest a counselor who specializes in this type of marital experience. When I first got married. My husband was also attached at the hip to his mommy. If she called at 3am saying her faucet was leaking and she needed him to come fix it, of course he would go, although he had to be at work by 7am and we lived 20 .minutes away and she had several other children who were local that were capable of doing this type of work.
You should seek guidance first, then figure out what is best for your life and marriage.
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Make a plan and leave.
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Well... sorry you are going through this but yeah.... you did kind of agree to it. Mom had been living with him for some time before you moved into what she probably considers "her" home. She is not a minor so why did you not insist that she move before you married and moved in. I think you are in love with your husband but I think you married a fantasy that you wanted to believe. That fantasy is not the reality you are facing now. You either have to make up your mind that you love this man enough to put up with the situation (which could get worse) for the next 10-20 years or chalk this one up to bitter experience and move on with your life. He is the problem because he won't stand up to his mother and he is not going to change no matter what he says to you.
Run
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Me personally, i would tell your husband this is not working for you, did you know at the time you got married that MIL would be living there....i realize she had a house built, but then told builder to keep it?? Something very strange about that situation. I would pack my bags and belongings and walk away from this.....chalk it up to lessons learned. You deserve so much more than this crap!!!!
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my2cents Oct 2020
I don't understand that part about telling a builder to keep the house either. When I built mine, the building of the house was financed as a construction loan. I couldn't just tell a builder to keep it. Maybe she never got that far - or saw a tract of homes being built and was waiting on one to be finished. Sounds strange to me
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Your a newlywed so congratulations! Sorry you’re going through this but it’s not new as you can see by the post. I guess I would ask myself do I love my husband enough to deal with this situation? I think your husband is being selfish so you may have to think about yourself now, because I don’t think he’s going to have a change of heart anytime soon. Big hug 🤗 and good luck.
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Been there done that. Went from honey moon to living with MIL because she would refuse to live a lone. It took 3 years of building of creating a strong marriage before we packaged a left. You cant become the abuser and let her be the victim. Always remind him that you both will be there for her in anything she needs etc and mean it. Good luck!
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