I can’t tell what I’m doing wrong?

I bet when you were a child you promised that you would :
Be home on time
Not go to "Susie's" house when mom said not to
do all your homework before you watched TV
The words of a child are from a child's mind.
You had no idea what caring for someone would be like when the time came.
She needs help and she is the only one that can chose to accept help. If she refuses help that is on her not you.
You say you "love her to death"
Unfortunately that is often what happens to caregivers that do not know when enough is enough.
I often say the decision to place someone in care (or in this case to back off) is when it is no longer safe. Safe for her nor safe for you.
You may have to back off completely so that she comes to the realization that she needs help. You can't jump in you have to let go and let her bottom out.
IF there is another hospital visit talk to the Social Worker explain what is going on and say that you can no longer safely care for her.
If you are living with mom it might be time to move out. Go to a friends hose and stay with them for a while if you can not afford a place of your own yet.

I hope this OP has taken some steps to help themselves.

First of all do you have DPOA? Make sure you have all your ducks in a row because if she has a mental problem you are going to need to take over. After, you do this then get a caregiver but introduce them as a friend. She will most likely behave in front of them. Meanwhile start your facility looking. This mental problem is gonna get worse and you do not want to wait til you HAVE TO do something. I have told my daughter that both my parents had dementia in the end and that she will possibly need to put me in a facility and I will not hate her for it. She is my sole beneficiary and even if I say something bad to her when I am ill I will always love her! You can also try a group board and care home. The one I had my Daddy in was great! They treated him like family and I could call them any time any day. Also, they are limited to how many they have in the home and are more attentive to the patient. At 23 this is going to be a big learning experience for you and you need to stand your ground. Even at 55 my younger brother did not know anything about having a living will or having his daughters as POA. Continue to ask questions, this is a great website to get answers or research. Hugs and blessings to you!

The only thing you are doing wrong is prioritizing your mother over yourself. You are in an abusive, co-dependent relationship with your mother. You say you "love her to death" and it's those words that best demonstrate why you cannot think clearly for yourself and have failed to launch like a normal adult. You need more than mental health counseling - you need basic life skills, which you can seek out at any number of community programs.

The good news is that you are still in your early 20s! You have plenty of time ahead of you to make a plan for yourself.

You say you're an uneducated waitress; however, you can make good money as a waitress. Start setting aside at least 10% of your weekly earnings and do *not* touch it. That is your moving-out and getting-a-life fund. And for goodness sake do *not* tell your mother about that money!

First of all, your mother can't play the elder abuse card because 59 is is considered far from being elderly. Also, most of the time when an elderly person is being abusively needy and overly-demanding their family places them in a care facility.
You don't have to convince your mother to do anything. She is an adult and even though she supposedly has bi-polar disorder and depression, these are very different than someone having Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia. People with bi-polar are still capable of living full lives and being one-hundred percent resposible providing for themselves and running their own lives.
Here is what you start doing for her and yourself TODAY.

You STOP being her enabler and you STOP playing her abusive games.

You are enabling her and making it possible for her to live as an invalid at 59.
Also a bit of F.Y.I. for you. If your mother's heart disease and COPD were so bad that they've made her invalid, she literally would not be able to smoke.

As for you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You won't stay 23 forever and that's a bit young to start trying to play the mental illness/can't care for yourself card. It would be in your best interests to drop the bullsh*t about being barely able to care for yourself because of your own mental illness before someone takes you seriously. If you're so debilitated by mental illness yourself that you can barely function and care for yourself, call an ambulance and have yourself committed to the hospital. A social worker will come to speak to you. Tell them that you are so mentally ill that you cannot look after yourself and are requesting to me made a ward of the state because you have no family who can take conservatorship over you.
Or, you play the same games as your mother. Which is it?
Call APS and tell them your mother is a vulnerable adult and you cannot care for her. Then you will have to make a different living arrangement for yourself.
Your mother will never help herself or be reasonable and open-minded to outside help as long as you remain her enabler.

Oh sweetie - I have daughters your age. They've made me a lot of promises. One of those promises is that one day they will build a nice big house for me and their father right smack in the middle of their own homes on either side of the house they build for us. And that they will take care of us for the rest of our lives.

I do not in any way ever expect them to keep that promise. My youngest at 21 makes a promise all the time that she will take care of me some day. I've even told her that while I appreciate that - that I don't want her to think that the only way to "take care" of me or her father is literally with her own two hands. She owes me nothing.

Hopefully this doesn't come across as ageist or condescending - because I know without a doubt that you are an adult, maybe even more so than a lot of your peers your own age because of what you have spent your adult years doing. But you are barely beyond the years that SHE should be taking care of YOU. My oldest is "flown" for the most part, but my youngest still lives at home. We still take care of her in a lot of ways. You should be starting your life right now.

I noticed a lot of "she refuses" in your post. She refuses to get therapy. She throws the elder abuse card at you. She is hardly elderly. She's not even really qualified for the Senior discount at most places for crying out loud. I don't know that she actually gets to cry elder abuse. But quite frankly I think she's creating an environment of caregiver abuse. To me it sounds like she is - and maybe I'm reaching here - potentially verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing YOU. And has been for a long time.

You can't get her to think more reasonably. If she is truly dealing with the number of mental disorders you mentioned, she needs professional help and interventions. You are selling yourself short. It's not that you aren't caregiver material. You have been doing the job. It's that she needs professional interventions that only certain people are qualified to impart.

And beyond that - you need to break away and start your own life. You are not responsible for her. You deserve the opportunity to live your own life. This is the time that you should be exploring your own adventures and opportunities. You deserve to build your future, get the education that you want, start a family if you want. What ever it is that you want - you deserve that opportunity to find it.

Julia, Burned out at 23 , I’m burned out at 80! I also promised my husband when he was diagnosed with vascular dementia that I would never put him in a home. Six yrs later I may have to break my promise. The state we live in has a Seniors & disabilities agency. I reached out to them and there are many services paid by the state. Health care agencies, respite givers for you. Check in your state. Please do not stop taking care of you. We were doing well after getting help. Of course we’re on Medicare and paying Co-pays are not a problem. Husband used acwalker but was mobile. The last three months have been hard. Hubby was in hospital for a few days, nothing serious. Dr. offered 2 weeks rehab for OT& PT. I checked out one close to home so I could go see him everyday. Very nice place and I believed the Marketing Director that gave me a tour of the place, how good their care was, on & on. I went every day & very soon noticed they weren’t bathing my husband, he wasn’t eating. I asked him what was wrong but with his dementia he couldn’t remember much. I went to have him discharged after two weeks of asking lots of questions about his care. Soc. Wrker , head nurse , nobody had any ans. He was brought home although head nurse said they could keep him twenty days per insurance. I told her I didn’t care if insurance paid for a yr. ! He was going home. I helped him undress to clean him. 😳😡 His whole groin area was raw! Very painful for him but I washed him, applied some anti fungul cream which soothed him. He fell asleep I woke him up a couple of hrs. later to ask if he was hungry. He started shaking & sweating profusely! I called 911, blood pressure very low. The EMT saw the ugly red rash and said that it was nasty & probably a urinary tract infection. Had to be transported to an ER. Same hospital, four days of tests. Finally a dr. came to talk to me. I have power of atty. for husbands re. his health. Dr. introduced himself, said he was a nephrologist ( I knew , kidney specialist ). He said “your husband is out of the woods. “ That got my attention at once. Continued, “ he had an acute urinary infection but won’t need dialysis. The infection got to his kidneys and is in sepsis”. Sepsis! I finally opened my mouth and said “ that’s blood poisening!!! Dr. said “if your husband had been in that rehab one more day he would’ve died. Dr. wanted my hubby in hospital two more days to continue antibiotics then to rehab ( not the one that released him on Oct. 13) for two more weeks on antibiotics intravenously. I picked another rehab with a good reputation not close by but I didn’t care. The charge dr. there comes in the next day and tells me dementia caused UTI, dementia caused kidney infection & sepsis. With all due respect I interrupted him, I told him that he didn’t know my husbands history. He wouldn’t let me speak. Just kept pointing to his head repeating “ I’m dementia expert.” about four times. Another dr. entered the room & “the dementia expert” left. My husband was discharged in a week not the two weeks hospital had ordered. He was asked if he wanted to go home? Of course he said yes. NO ONE called me to ask or even tell me. He was going home to in home hospice, with discharge papers signed by my husband? Barely a scribble. He doesn’t remember signing anything. How can any doctor knowing a man has dementia and a wife that’s been his caregiver for almost six yrs., allow himself signed out not knowing what he was signing? Also cancelled the home health care we’d had for yrs. Same company. So tomorrow I’m praying that the new home care agency I chose will be able to work with my husband. Man that ate nothing for weeks and hasn’t walked for almost three months. Intake nurse was here Friday last. We spoke in length but she led me to believe my husband might have to go to an inpatient hospice. The doctor has to evaluate him first.
Thanks for allowing me to release a lot of angst & pent up anger. Prayers welcome.
Nanabinx

I didn't read the responses too many and too long.

There is a question right now where a 30+ yr old u may want to read "How to get over losing ur entire youth to caregiving for a Narcissistic family when life pushed me into it"

You do not want to become this person. Every time I read where a person in their 20's is giving up their life for a parent or grandparent, it makes me feel like we are still in the Victorian era. Your Mom is using you. Mental illness or not. My cousin is 70 and suffers from Bi-Polar he has held down jobs, owns a home and keeps it up. Your disabling Mom by doing what ur doing. There's a book called Boundries and its Christian based by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says very good. Also there's the "grey rock method see if you can use it in any way. Her illnesses do not keep her from doing for herself.

You need to set boundries. A child cannot be kept to a promise of "I will take care of you the rest of your life" They have no perception of what "life" is going to be like. Your entitled to a life and need to live it. You are now an adult and need to be treated as an adult and respected as an adult. At this point Mom needs you more than you need her. So start sticking up for yourself. I read one time when someone raises their voice at you, lower yours. Because to hear you , they have to lower theres. You can get ur point across without having a fight. My husband is good at this. He looks you in the eye and in an even voice tells you what he thinks. His tone of voice does not waiver. Its just matter of fact. The word No gets easier to say as you use it.

Are you paying any of the bills? Is it because Mom could not afford where she is without your income. If so, I would make sure she knew that. You set boundries for yourself. She will try to step over that line, you stand firm.

There are options out there. Maybe get Medicaid in home. Call your local Office of Aging and see if they can help in finding resources for Mom. You are entitled to a life. Get one. If you can work 8 hrs a day Mom can be alone at night. Her cigs, I would pick them up on the way home from work. But if she said "oh forgot to tell you I needed cigs" "sorry Mom, I am home now and not going back out so u will need to ration what u have" Say that enough times and she will start calling you before u leave work. Unless its an emergency, I do things for people in my time. Let her throw the elderly abuse card at you. Call her bluff and say "call APS, and by doing that if they do feel I am abusing you and they feel you can't care for yourself, you will be placed in NH with the State controlling your life. Then I can have a life of my own." You are really in control of this situation. Do not argue with her, walk away. Its hard but let what she says roll off her back. I bet if you hide a camera where she spends most of her day, you will find out what is is capable of when ur not there. Now is time to change the dynamics of your household. It will get harder and harder as time goes on.

No, is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)

My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.

Good Luck and know you will be a stronger person for taking ur life in ur own hands.

There is nothing you can do to convince her of anything because she will refuse to listen. The only thing you can do is to convince yourself that this is not a tenable situation. Don't allow her to threaten you with the elder abuse card. You are too young to be saddled with this nonsense and she is only 59. She is not ancient and if she wants to kill herself by smoking, so be it, but YOU will not be empowering her by buying her smokes. If she threatens to call adult protective services, one up her and call them yourself. YOu can tell them there is a vulnerable adult who needs care and you simply cannot provide that care.

Most important: If you have a mental illness get that seen to as soon as you can. I know, mental health care appointments can be difficult to come by, but keep trying until you get one.

You are not doing anything wrong. You need to look after yourself first so that if you want to care for your mom you can.

When I was a child, I promised my father that I would be President of the USA, I am not and never will be, I was a child. Don't worry about promises made as a minor, they mean nothing.

Time to move on before she destroys you.

She could live another 30 years and you would be over 50 yourself, still taking care of her. Is that really what you want for your life?

She is an adult, let her figure things out for herself, it is not your job.

Good Luck!

Don't hold yourself hostage to a promise that you may have made out of someone trying to guilt trip you. No one knows what the future holds. Promises should always come with conditions in my opinion.

You are so young. Your mother should not want to hold you back and you shouldn't hold yourself back. It's not your job to convince your mom to do anything and you really don't need her to understand you are not caregiving material. I know it may be hard cause you love her but just tell her you are not caregiving material. Period. End of Sentence.

Help her to transition to professional care if you must and then go and live your life.

Please look into the Boundaries Book by Drs Cloud & Townsend. Ignore the religious angle if that's not you. The message is about sorting out you from others. Where your responsibilities end & other's begin.

Eg your Mother's health is actually her responsibility. To seek help for her physical & mental ailments. To eat a balanced diet, cut out, cut down or manage her alcohol (if any) & cigarettes. To take prescribed medications.

"I promised her as I child that I would never put her in a senior home".

Start by amending the above with a *until it is needed.

*You* won't be the cause of WHY she may one day in the future possibly need 'put' her in a home. The culprits are usually Old Age, Illness or Decline.

Your responsibility includes for yourself. You have a job - that's a great start! Considering your future is another great step!

Maybe your future includes more education, part-time or online? Everyone needs friends & social connections, these are important too. Maybe you'd like a partner, children, pets, your own house too? Your own independent adult life.

Does your Mom have a Case Worker? I would suggest reaching out to them & finding a licensed Social Worker to help you & Mom navigate some future steps towards your growing independent life.

I am so sorry, but not everything can be fixed, and in many cases mental illness cannot. While you were young when you made your promise and while the future doesn't mold itself around promises it is truly a shame you made that promise because eventually, if you wish to have a life (your Mom is younger than my daughter; she has EASILY 3 decades to live and likely more) you are going to have to take that promise back. You are going to have to sit your Mom down and tell her that you are truly sorry that your promise to her is one you are going to have to break so that you can have a life for yourself. Tell her you won't abandon her and you will try to help her seek assets and placement to provide for her through her own (unlikely) savings or through governmental assistance.
There is no other way. As I said, not everything can be fixed. There will be rage, there will be tears, there will be pain. That's a given. But you deserve to have a life.
If you cannot embrace these hard facts on your own I suggest counseling and suggest it be through a licensed Social Worker in private counseling as they are best up on life transitions and how to make them.
I suggest the memoir written by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. She wasted a whole lot of her adulthood trying to help her mentally ill mother; there was no help for her and this is despite enlisting the help of the social services of the City and State of New York. This will give you a real clue as to what hopes you can have of getting through all this without pain.
Now you don't have to take any of my advice. You can make the CHOICE to continue on as you are now. You can honor promises made by a foolish and unknowing younger woman and sacrifice your entire life on the altar of your Mom's illness. But you will have to recognize that that is in itself a CHOICE you knowingly make.
I wish you the very best. Nothing about this will be pretty or easy no matter what you do, but on the end of one choice you get a life; on the end of the other choice you do NOT. And it won't help your Mom's condition one single tiny little bit either way.

Sweet girl…run, don’t walk. You have your whole life to look forward to. Please don’t waste away your youth in this mess. Don’t feel guilty. Go live young one!!!

I want to tell you, as a 51 year old woman who stayed with her mom out of guilt for FAR too long, get out now. You are young and deserve to live your own life. Your mom has a mental illness and she sounds in many ways similar to my mom. I lived with her until I was 35 and I got married. If I had found my husband I would never have had what I felt was a good enough excuse to leave, but it kind of forced the issue. She is 70 now and just went into a nursing home and our relationship is still difficult even though she doesn't really understand that and was always unwilling to get help. I am starting therapy now, which I should have done a long, long time ago so I could have learned to set boundaries with her.
Thanks to people close to me I have come to realize that I DO deserve my own life and I'm managing the guilt of not caring for her at my house. I know I couldn't handle her care mentally OR physically because of her condition.
Please get help now for yourself so you can begin your own life, which you deserve. She is the abusive one and you are not doing anything wrong.
I wish I had left my mom when I wanted to in my early 20s. I let her manipulate me into staying. You are not obligated to her just because you are her child. I wish you the best. I know how hard it is to have that kind of relationship with your mother. Learn from people like me and take your life back now while you are young!

It sounds like you've been groomed to kowtow to her every wish and whim.

Leave her to her own devices; she's an adult and not that old.

Manage your own life. That's YOUR job. Let her manage hers.

You are not only burnt out you are being emotionally abused by your mother.

You deserve a life and your mother is selfish in her desire to have you give up your entire life to take care of her.

The only solution is if you move out and stop taking care of her. If you keep doing for her she will have no reason to get outside help.

I hope you do it there are many posters on here who gave up their lives for a parent like your mother. They are now in their forties or fifties or older with no end in sight.

Get out now while you can. Time passes so fast and before you know it a decade or two will have passed.

First of all, forget about keeping any promises that you made to her. She is a world champion manipulator who is placing herself first.

Yes, you love her because she is your mother but you certainly don’t have to love her behavior.

I fully realize that her mental illness may be causing her behavior. She has the choice to seek help. It’s not your fault if she chooses not to.

You are too young to be dealing with this. These years are for building your future, not for being a full time caregiver to your mom.

Clearly, your mom doesn’t respect you as her daughter. She hasn’t earned your respect. Walk away and don’t look back.

If you feel that you must help in some way, leave a list of pertinent phone numbers for her. My suggestion would be to place NAMI at the top of the list.

Best wishes to you. Keep us updated. We care.

So you promised her no nursing home and you are now her personal slave. Well here is a way to keep your promise...walk away. Next step is to call APS since she will be a vulnerable adult. The next time she gets hospitalized and you get called about a discharge, tell them she will be on her own and they will need to determine if she will be safe.
In other words, you step out of the picture and the staff will follow the best discharge for her. It gets you off the hook. Get on with your life. She will still be cared for, just by a different way.

BIG hug to you! What's wrong is
1. trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
2. trying to keep to a promise made as a child.
3. feeling guilty for not being Super Caregiver Woman.

If Mom were to walk out of a hospital AMA and you weren't there, would she (be able to) leave anyways? According to her doctor(s), is she physically and mentally capable of living on her own?

You can't help her the way she needs to be helped. Talk to her doctor (if he has a social worker on staff, even better) or the social worker at the hospital next time she lands there, whichever happens first. Make it clear that YOUR health prevents you from continuing as caregiver. It isn't safe for either of you.

Talk to your doctor about the toll caregiving is taking on you mentally and physically. Hopefully, they'll provide you with actionable next steps to take.

What you're doing wrong is continuing to enable your mom by being at her beck and call and when she says jump, you say how high.
Your mother is WAY TOO YOUNG to be needing a caregiver and her health issues not that serious to require someone to look after her.
And you are WAY TOO YOUNG to be throwing your life away because for some reason you believe that she can't survive without your help or the help of others. She is using you and you are allowing her to. I can't help but wonder why.
People with your mothers issues often live by themselves and take good care of themselves. Why is it that you feel that you have to be her caregiver? I mean really. 59 years old is very young these days and she could very well live another 40 years.
Are you willing to give up your life for another 40 years for your mother? I sure hope not, and that you're smarter than that.
You should be working full-time, or in school, and living on your own and enjoying your life.
Your mother is more than capable to live on her own and take care of herself. And as long as you continue to do for her she will never have to step up and do it herself. So perhaps for now you find a friend to live with and tell your mother that you're moving out in 2 weeks and that it's time she figure her life on her own, as she is NOT your responsibility, and you are NOT her keeper.
One of you has to be the adult in this situation and since your mother would rather take advantage of you than be an adult and be responsible for her own life, it looks likes you're going to have to step up to be the adult.
Please remove yourself from this sick situation and get on with living and enjoying your life.

Oh honey, I so wish I could help you! You are so young to be in this situation. You need to get away, before you can start your own life. Know that you are not a failed daughter and you DO NOT have to be her caregiver! Nor do you have to convince her to get one. She will have to do something if you stop doing it all for her. Leave her to the professionals - who work together in shifts - and please, take care of your own self.
My mom lately has taken to telling me that my father would be turning over in his grave if he saw how I was treating her. Well, then, maybe it's time to hand her care over to the professionals!
I'm 47 and in a better position in life than you are currently, but it still hurts to be treated so poorly by your own mother. PLEASE take care of yourself!!! Get the heck out of there, go even to a women's shelter and get some help. And please keep us posted!

Your mother isn’t being abused, you are, by her. Please know you cannot “get her to think more reasonably” or convince her of anything. She’s far too young to be hurling elderly abuse accusations as she’s not even elderly. She’s mentally ill, and her issues are beyond what you can handle, not your fault at all, but true nevertheless. I truly hope you’ll start now, without discussing it with your mother at all, to plan your move away from her and this toxic situation. Promises made as a child, without the knowledge of all that can happen in the future don’t hold water, they just don’t apply. You need your own life and future away from this and your mom needs to not depend on you any longer. A healthy mother would not want this life for you, please don’t accept it for yourself